dear parker :p
` 들어오는: letters from this post!
Parker,
If you asked me a few months ago if I thought that there was good in this world, I would have hesitated. Of course there is, but there hasn’t been much of it around me for quite a few years. Several, even. I’ve been blessed with the fans I have, but cursed with misfortune upon misfortune as time has slowly crept on by. I wasn’t happy. I was tired, run down and hurting–all the time. Constantly. There was no break, physically and emotionally. I had no safe place to go and no one that ever really satisfied that empty void that places itself at the center of your chest.
But then I met you, and it nothing was instantaneous, no. The initial conversation was a mere method of breaking the ice because, well, as you know better than anyone else, I’m quite shy. I wasn’t sure if anything would come to be with us even as friends, though I have to admit that’s probably due to the fact that both of us were in tough spots and my judgment was clearly impaired.
You were intimidating, but I like intimidating. I like when someone is different. You’re different. You weren’t like everyone else I’ve come across, you acted different, spoke different, thought different. That sparked my interest as fast as a single snap of fingers.
And coincidentally, that’s how the rest seemed to pan out for me too after a while. It happened so fast–falling for you. I was like a kid again. I missed you in seconds when you weren’t around and, when you were, boy…was I thrilled. Still am, too. Always. I’m always thrilled with you, even if we’re just sitting there watching random videos on Youtube because we can’t think of anything else to watch.
Before I knew it I wanted you to be mine. I wanted to hold you and kiss you and to make you happy. I wanted to give you the world, I wanted to be your world. I wanted to give you me, all of me. I was on my knees ready to kiss the ground you walked on if that meant that you would smile.
It scared me at first.
I know you were scared too.
It was rough at first. The things we’ve been through and the things we’ve felt were hard to let go of. I was trying to climb over the walls you put up and you were trying to be the person that someone who didn’t deserve you made you believe you needed to be.
And it might sound odd, but I’m happy that was the case. I couldn’t be more ecstatic that you aren’t perfect, nor do you try to be and nor do you let on to be. You were scared at first, but you were true to your feelings and thoughts and it helped both of us. I just can’t stress it enough. I’m overjoyed. I’ve never genuinely believed that someone just got me–understood me in and out all while I’m able to return the same exact blessing.
For years of constantly changing who I am and how I act and how I should feel for the happiness of others but with the cost of my own…not having to do that is mind-blowing. Being able to be myself entirely is such a foreign concept that I’m still trying to grasp such a beautiful concept.
I don’t have to hold things back. I don’t have to worry that I’ll be misunderstood–that things I say or how I act will be perceived in the wrong way. You just get it, and if not immediately, you trust me enough to seek out the answer and I have never felt like I had to repeat myself. Time and time again I’ve grown so frustrated sounding like a broken record, practically begging for someone to just fucking comprehend me and you came along right when I needed you the most. Right when I was giving up entirely on this idea of love, or even friendship, for that matter.
I almost want to cry thinking about how grateful I am to have met you. Even if we didn’t become what we are today, there’s not a single doubt in my mind that you would have been such an important friend to me. But you’re more than that. You’re so much more.
You’re my boyfriend and my best friend (next to Eunyoung) and an inspiration. You’re so strong and capable of so much and I don’t think you see that. I don’t think you see your worth at all.
You’re funny and caring and sweet–so sweet–and you listen so well and know just the right things to say and when to say them. I have learned so much from you already and I can’t imagine what else you have in store for me to learn, both about you and myself and what it means to be in love. What it means to have found someone who, if other halves really existed, would fit right in perfectly.
You’re so much to me. You mean so much to me.
You’re such a beautiful person and I can’t wait until the day that you believe that yourself, and that will be the day one of my jobs ends and another starts. A job to help you to love yourself, to show you every little tiny piece of you that’s precious–or not. Even the bad pieces, too. I’ll show you how to love them and how to embrace them and how to, when you look in the mirror, see yourself the way I see you. And when you finally do, that’s when I’ll help you to continue in life and throughout all the changes that are sure to come, make sure that not a single thing in this world can make you change the way you view yourself.
Not a single word, not a single incident, nothing. All I want is for you to be happy.
I can talk about you for hours upon hours and, quite frankly, I already do. I never shut up about you. It’s always “Parker this” and “Parker that” and I don’t know how Eunyoung has dealt with it when it all happened so suddenly. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never felt this before.
I love you. I love you so much and there’s not a single person in this world who’s going to change that.
That’s all I can say. I can’t wrap this up properly because I still feel like there’s so much more I feel, so much more that needs to be said and so many more thoughts I’d like to share with you. But we have all the time in the world when I don’t plan on letting you go if you’ll allow me to keep you for years to come.
I love you. I love you.I love you. I love you.
Yongguk
