i'm still upset about this past season. i honestly had my best season so far off the field and i miss it every day but to spend an entire summer working my ass off on a show that was doomed from the start is ridiculous.
people always talk about how they were glad they only decided to march 2 or 3 seasons bc they don't think they could do more than that and about how most people they know who start at 15 or 16 become incredibly disillusioned w the activity and at the start of this season i couldn't imagine myself ever reaching that point but for the majority of this season, i was completely jaded towards the activity.
this time last year i watched a video that had clips of the tunnel in lucas oil and all of the jitters and butterflies that i felt walking through that tunnel finals night showed up again, hell, they are rn just thinking about it. this year all i get is that sense of dread and apathy that filled my stomach every time i woke up for a full rehearsal day.
there are 3 posts in my drafts from this summer and the first two are from all days when i almost got sent home and the third is from finals week. the first two are positive and emotional about how i got to stay w the corps and how i needed the reminder about how much i loved the activity and the corps and how i actually did a full run and that i had my spot back. i miss being that excited and blindly in love w my season. the last one from finals week is literally the complete opposite; i literally wrote "i've never been this unmotivated and ready to go home."
the entire season was a fucking roller coaster ride. off the field, i was truly happy, the kind of happy that i can only find in drum corps, but on the field, i was just existing. i worked my ass off to get my show as clean as i could possibly make it and god knows i poured my heart and soul into that show. uncle chris always talks about being emotionally invested and walking off the field after every show emotionally and physically drained and i've never been as emotionally invested in a piece of music that i was playing than our ballad. who am i kidding, even on the field was a goddamn roller coaster. i walked off the field extremely proud of what i'd just done almost every show and then i was told that my performance was subpar by the men in the green shirts and it sucked. oh ffs, even off the field it was up and down like the fucking tower of terror; i'd be happy until i got on the bus and scores came up or we'd be in texas rehearsing in lieu of floor time or i'd be loading uniforms and watching my free time slip away or we'd be in wisconsin and i'd lose almost 2 hours of free time to learn how to put up treesus and be so angry that i was shaking and crying or i'd be walking around smithsonains and loving every second of it or at a laundromat somewhere eating fast food and taking white girl selfies w robert and don't even get me started on all of the off the field bullshit we had to deal w this summer bc lord knows i'm still angry.
i'm bitter, angry, and upset that we were stuck w such a poorly designed show. the corps deserved better.
i'm bitter, angry, and upset that i changed from being head-over-heels in love w an organization and an activity to being a disillusioned and cynical towards the organization and the activity.
and i'm upset that i'm having such a hard time deciding what to do next season. after 2013, i was ready to be one of those holy-shit-they've-been-here-forever-how-have-you-not-aged-out-yet members bc i found a home, one that wouldn't disappear halfway through the season, and i still consider it home. i find it hard to imagine myself anywhere else tbh but after that train wreck of a season it's hard to see myself going back.
