Doubt
Though Queen hadn’t tried to call him, or even text, Royal knew that his late check-in after his night off had been noticed. He’d been too nervous to call his mentor even after Ryan had left, knowing the elder man was going to have something to say to him.
That’s why he was laid out on his couch with the golden plush tucked under his arms, staring at the screen of his phone as he watched the minutes pass by. Minutes became hours, and somewhere along the way his eyes closed and time passed him by. It was no surprise he’d fall asleep on his couch; the furniture was as comfortable as his regular bed, just half the space he was used to being able to stretch out across.
He still opened his eyes again in the AM hours of the next day, still squeezing his plush tight to his chest, but his phone lost to the floor when his grip had gone lax.
Royal had been a lot more tense than he’d thought. And tired, somehow. Maybe just that unaccustomed to the full bloodplay he’d gotten to explore with Ryan. Not to mention sleeping in a real bed hadn’t been…well, a comfort he was used to.
At least he was awake plenty early for work. Too early for any of the actual staff to be there, but his mentor was probably still asleep too. Extracting himself from the couch, the young man grunted when joints cracked before he headed back towards his bedroom. He stopped by the washroom to clean his face and teeth, checking his hair before he went to change his clothes.
Ryan’s clothes were still laid on his futon. He’d forgotten to give them back.
He picked up the shirt, rubbing the fabric between his fingers as the hint of a smile teased at his lips.
Forgotten, or didn’t want to return them?
They’d at least be washed before he considered handing them back to the older man. It wasn’t like he could get away with wearing them on a daily basis since they fit just awkwardly enough to look off. Besides, they were made of much nicer stuff than anything he owned. They’d hardly fit as permanent parts of his wardrobe.
“If I get there early I can—it’ll be alright. I can relax. Play some music…yeah, it’ll be okay. I’ll get through…it.” Part of Royal wondered why he had to feel so anxious about seeing Queen. The elder was his caretaker, his confident, the only person who…he was the only one who understood.
Did he lie? Ryan’s the same. Mister Queen said no one would ever accept the violence, the bouts of lust and need. He said it was too messy for any human being, too disgusting and bloody. But that wasn’t true, the reality showed itself clear as day.
Royal felt himself getting hot as he remembered what had happened. From killing the man, to Ryan dragging him into his room and fucking him senseless.
Well, good thing he had to walk to work. Early as it was the sun wasn’t out yet so it was still cold out. Plenty cool to help him settle down, and once he was dressed and had his uniform folded into a duffle bag—along with a handful of his few personal belongings—he was heading outside. He snagged the golden plush on his way out, placing him carefully in his bag and zipping it closed.
Once he was out of his apartment—with keys this time—Royal ducked out of the building and onto the empty sidewalks. He didn’t have a car, nor a bike, so he walked everywhere. Work included. It was a short jog by his standards anyway. Queen had offered more than once to get him a nicer apartment, help him get a license and a car, or even a nice bike, anything. The elder had been turned down every time though; he was more comfortable in the less extravagant living style. It was what Royal was used to. In a few years he might consider some upgrades, but it hadn’t been that long since…since Queen had brought him away from absolute poverty.
“Nn…shit, lights are on.” When he got close to the building he could see that some side door lights were on. The doors where most of the employees and volunteers would go in and out. That meant that someone was in. The only other person who showed up this early was the owner. Mister Queen.
It was too late to turn around, not to mention avoiding the face to face meeting was only delaying the inevitable. It was best to get inside to talk. To get this over with.
With most of the lights off inside the center felt colder, lifeless. There wasn’t a comforting hum of voices of visitors, adults and children alike, and each dark hall threatened to engulf any wanderer least they continue quickly along the only lit path. A path that ended right at Queen’s office.
The trek there felt long, and the darkness that Royal passed seemed to squirm out of the corner of his eyes, reaching for him until he looked and it returned to its normal state. Shadows only, cast where the warm glow of the bulbs above his head couldn’t reach. Yet he still found himself swallowing, sweat gathering at the back of his neck as he finally stepped up to the elder’s door and pressed a hand to the hard surface. The barrier was cracked open, so he knocked twice before slowly pushing it open.
Queen was sitting at his desk, spectacles resting on the bridge of his nose as he leaned back in his chair and looked over the contents of a manilla folder. He smiled fondly when he saw Royal in the doorway, motioning him into the room and to one of the comfortable chairs in front of his desk. “Good morning lad! Go ahead and close the door.” Royal didn’t look back as he pressed the barrier closed. The electricity at his back, the freezing breath—he swore the lights had gone out behind him the moment he’d stepped into this room, but he hadn’t been brave enough to check. “I thought you might be in early. Quite the busy day you must’ve had yesterday, I didn’t hear a word from you!”
Royal sat down in the offered chair, setting his duffle bag down before he sunk into the seat. His mentor was in a good mood at least. “Yeah uh…tired. Got a lot of rest.”
“Splendid! You do look a bit better my boy. You worry me so sometimes, your odd sleep schedules.” The documents were being reorganized and put away, that bright expression never faltering. The warmth was more comforting than the industrial lights, and Royal felt himself relaxing. He couldn’t…remember why he’d been so nervous. Yeah he didn’t want to lose the approval of this man, but Queen wasn’t exactly so easily swayed by little mistakes. He was reasonable too, so if he explained what had happened surely Queen would be sympathetic, even understand.
“So…you found someone new?”
Right to it then.
“I—well…kind of.”
The larger man locked his fingers together and rested them on his belly. He hummed curiously, arching a brow. “Was it that officer?”
Royal was quiet, and he wouldn’t make eye contact. It was telling enough, but Queen didn’t press for a straight answer. He knew without it being said. “I know you were out dealing with your urges Mister Royal. You’ve heard my chiding plenty of times to know how I feel about it. But the other night must have been…different?” Fingers tapped. “Not so much as a word, and something seems changed.”
“Oh um…well, something did happen. I got careless—I lost control. And I had a knife…”
Queen closed his eyes, sighing through his nose. The younger pressed to keep explaining. “But it’s fine! No one’s ever going to find anything. I—the scene. It’s clean. Maybe some blood, but the body’s long gone. It really was an accident Mister Queen. The guy was drunk, calling me names, and he started it—”
“Royal, Royal! It’s alright.” Though the elder’s expression had shifted, he was still reassuring. “Gracious, as long as you are sure that you are safe, and that the scene was cleaned, this accident can be forgotten. Hm?”
“…But…”
“But?”
There was his anxiety coming back. “I really…I mean in the heat of the moment it was good. I know you’ve said it’s disgusting, but it felt, uh…right?” Royal took a quick breath. “I-I wasn’t seen by anyone who—I’m not going to be arrested. I can’t be implicated, you taught me how to avoid leaving incriminating evidence.” It was habit the precaution had been ingrained so well. “What if I…I mean, can we talk about me? Saving them another way?”
Between them there was no tension, only a mix of thoughts and unspoken questions. Finally Queen leaned forward, motioning for his younger companion to sit up. “Mister Royal, we’ve spoken about this. It’s not…appropriate. I know you’re passionate, but you’re young. That will fade, and then you will be saddled with the regret and burden of those acts. As much planning as you do, as careful as you are, your own words say that there was a risk. You lost control, and when you lose control you make mistakes. Do you want to end up back in jail? For good?”
Royal wasn’t sure if it was his eyes or the lights, but there was a moment where he thought he’d gone blind. “I can’t.”
“I know. That’s why I’m here, protecting you. Helping you. To do that you must trust me.” A hand was held out, and after some hesitation Royal took it. “I know at this stage you are struggling. I will not abandon you for that. I may be disappointed, but we will work through this. We will smother those urges you have with time. I promise.” Queen’s other hand engulfed Royal’s and he squeezed. The motion wasn’t reassuring anymore; the touch felt patronizing, maybe even…a threat?
Still, they younger found himself nodding, squeezing back with one hand as he gripped the seat of his chair with the other. “Okay.” He didn’t agree. He couldn’t disagree, but he didn’t give his full commitment to the plan. Queen would catch the odd answer, he was sure of it, but that didn’t stop him from saying it.
With that one word, however, their exchange was done. Royal missed the flash of the frown as his hand was released, busying himself with plucking up his duffle bag. He’d get everything straightened up in his locker before he’d start turning on the rest of the building’s lights and getting everything ready for the guests that day.
“Do be careful Mister Royal.” Queen called as the other moved to leave. The hallway was dimly lit—had that many lights been off when he’d come in. “I um…I will, Mister Queen.”
