#sorry dm

[threegoblinsandarobot]

NPC Cop: We have our top men working on it. Goblin Rogue: What about your top women? Goblin Barbarian: What about your bottom men?

[persuasioncheck]

DM: You come up to the edge of a well— Player 1: Oh well! Player 2: Well said. Player 3: Well, actually... DM: [sigh]

[abrightcontainer]

I want to tell you the story of the time my MIL, who is the world's NICEST person, signed up the whole family for a 5 hour "Space Camp Adventure". This was basically a Star Trek LARP, complete with set pieces, in a middle school building.

My husband is the oldest of 5, and with the exception of my MIL, every single one of them are HARDCORE RPG PLAYERS. The first book my husband remembers reading was the D&D Monster Manual. The married siblings naturally chose spouses of a similar bent. Every single one of us had played D&D, Vampire, Call of Cthulhu, etc since we could read. That meant we had about 10 people (a couple of cousins were there too and they're no exception), all of whom were ready to LARP our butts off for, again, FIVE STRAIGHT HOURS.

I think the people running the game knew they were in trouble from the first moment the "ship's captain" (played by Mr. Container) walked into the set and we all immediately stood up and saluted... we'd invented the salute in the 3 minutes between us going into the "ship" and the Captain joining and it was basically all of us smacking ourselves in the forehead with an open palm IN UNISON.

I was playing a security officer, and since they'd given me a Whorf-esque sash I decided I was a Klingon and kept saying things like "Today is a good day to die" and "I am going to punch that nebula." I'm not sure the game people actually watched any Star Trek because they seemed very alarmed.

The first hint that we were too savvy of game players came when I, having nothing else to do while we navigated, was "scanning" the ship for intruders with the computer program. Each terminal on the "bridge" had a little program that you were supposed to use while playing your part. So that's how I discovered there were intruders on board probably a good 10 minutes before we were supposed to be surprised by them bursting into the bridge.

As I had been instructed in the pre-game info session, I immediately told the program to close all the bulkhead doors to seal the bridge off. This did absolutely nothing, because the intruders were a vital plot point and also I wasn't supposed to have seen them anyway.

Later on, we captured a "Russian Spy" (she came through a wormhole or something idk I'd kind of lost the plot by then because I was still mad about the intruders thing). I went with another character to interrogate her in the brig. She kept saying "no eeenglish" in a fake Russian accent. Then my BIL says "oh Mark speaks Russian" and drags in his sister's husband who went on his LDS mission to Russia and is in fact fluent. The look of sheer panic on this poor woman's face (she did not actually know any Russian) when Mark walks in and starts talking to her in Russian was something.

Somehow the Spy escaped and our ship was going to self-destruct, so we all did the perfectly sensible thing and just... abandoned ship. At this point they had had it up to here with us, and when we all busted into the prep room after having "jettisoned the escape pods" the game staff on duty just yelled "What are you DOING get back IN THERE" and miraculously our ship was saved.

Also at some point we encountered creepy aliens (I'll hand it to them, the costumes and set dressing for these 8-foot-tall beings was VERY creepy). By now they'd brought in a NPC captain of another ship to try and keep the game on track because we were constantly derailing the plot. She asked us if we knew how to deal with these aliens and of course I said PUNCHING and I think they were starting to get worried that I, a 5 foot 4 middle aged woman, might actually punch an alien so in an inspired bit of what I'm sure was improv the NPC captain gave a speech on how the aliens were actually incorporeal and also would suck you into a hell dimension if you touched one.

My FIL, who I swear is a LOVELY man, has the gift of saying the MOST INSULTING THINGS while still looking and sounding like an affable 60ish grandpa. He is the undisputed king of board game trash talk. When we finally encountered the Big Bad of the game he managed to be so politely rude that suddenly we were just attacked by the giant aliens again and had to run for our lives, abruptly ending the game.

Also I think we definitely ran over our 5 hours with how much derailing we did. We had a 15-minute argument with the Big Bad about CHAIRS.

Anyway, we've found a D&D type adventure in the same town to try next time we have a family reunion. I apologize in advance.

I never did get to punch that nebula.

[buzzfeed]

You can't just talk about "The Boulder Accident" in the tags of a DnD post and not explain because now my curiosity has been piqued

tl;dr there was Very Large Boulder and the idea was that we’d either push it and meet a bunch of orcs to fight or go above and around The Boulder on The Long Route but one of us rolled a nat20 and decided to just yeet The Boulder into the distance with their hammer and it ended up breaking a clear straight path through the orcs and through a labyrinth we needed to get through and we skipped like A Whole Ass Plot once we got to the labyrinth

[threegoblinsandarobot]

Goblin Rogue: The Umberlee guys are coming to Waterdeep? Goblin Cleric: They're gonna make it Waterdeeper. Goblin Barbarian: Gonna make it Waterdeepest. Goblin Rogue: Gotta stop them from making Underwaterdeep.

[threegoblinsandarobot]

Angel: It was a Herald. Goblin Barbarian: Harold?! Goblin Cleric: Oooo I hate that guy! Angel: It's a metaphor. Goblin Barbarian: Harold was a metaphor?? He never told me that… he had a wife and everything…

[threegoblinsandarobot]

"No, we are paying attention. He was just was busy shoving olives into my metal elbows."

- Warforged player, about an aside with the goblin barbarian

[persuasioncheck]

DM: Google docs, please… you don't need to autocorrect Lindrie’s name to "lingerie" every time! Cleric: Ah yes, the "Cleric of Sune Collection."