About My Hiatus
First off, I’d like to apologize to my followers for my absence. Many of you looked to my blog for guidance and encouragement, and by leaving without a word, I was letting you all down. I hope my next moves are enough to inspire you down a path of forgiveness.
Where I went
I created this blog in 2015 or ‘16 to express a part of myself that had been suppressed all my live: my inner witch. I used Afros&Athames to journalize my journey into the path of a witch, as well as other online platforms like Instagram and YouTube. Growing up, I had witchy friends to gently explore the path with and I stayed in touch with them even when I lived two hundred miles away in Boston (I’m from Connecticut).
One day, I was on Youtube watching Black witch vlogs and I came across a witch who said he was from Bridgeport, not far from where I grew up and actually the hometown of my mother’s side of the family. I reached out to him and before either of us knew it, we had formed a coven: The Conjurers of Elm. I moved back to Connecticut and hit the ground running with this new coven made up of myself, Bridgeport witch, his childhood friend, and my childhood friend. As our bond as a coven deepened, as did each of our connections to magic. The coven grew and we became all friends... until we weren’t.
I guess the first mistake was dating within the coven. Me and another member became a couple, it was messy and gross, and eventually we part ways. By the time we broke up, the coven was already have sustainability issues. We weren’t as active or engaged. We were dwindling. Our break up definitely complicated things and made the environment of the coven less welcoming. Oops.
Then, of course, two of the coven members -- my childhood friend and Bridgeport witch -- moved in together and things didn’t go well. Each of our personal relationships in the coven suffered some sort of challenge or trial that the coven just couldn’t withstand.
In the end, we all became distant with one another and the coven is no more.
Why I strayed
Not long after my break up, I started a new relationship.
Did I mention I’m queer? Let’s rewind!
Hi, my name is Nyxia. I am pansexual and demisexual. I am also non-binary; agender to be specific. I use they/them pronouns.
I realized I wasn’t straight in spring of 2016, but I wasn’t able to explore my sexuality or gender identity until 2018. I was in a relationship with a man when I came to terms with my queerness. When I came out to him, he was dismissive. Weeks later, he became fussy and jealous. He’d ask me when and why I decided to be attracted to women. When I expressed interest in shaving my hair (exploring my gender-queer identity), he threatened to never look at me again. I dumped him.
Months later, I started my relationship with Bridgeport witch’s friend, aka Coven Mate. He was more accepting of my queer identity. Even the gender-queer part, which I hadn’t yet fully blossomed into. But he was hella jealous and toxic. When I told him about my desire to finally explore my sexuality, we agreed that we would try polyamory. I would pursue relationships with women and non-binary people, he would not. This was communicated and confirmed as mutual agreement between the two of us. Yet, every time I tried to act upon our agreement, he would get very agitated. I couldn’t flirt with people or even mention other people without him being triggered. It was frustrating for me to spend my time putting the puzzle pieces of his emotions and desires together instead of spending time with myself to understand the nature of my queer identity. I dumped him, too.
Months later.... I started a new relationship! Pray for me, brujxs...
This time, I was dating a non-binary person and honestly, it was my best relationship to date. I was in love. I was loved. I was cared for, and honestly I was spoiled rotten! But I deserved ever morsel of unfiltered sweetness that was given to me by this person.
But there is always a dark side of the moon.
The person I was dating... let’s call them Anxious Muslimx. Anxious Muslimx grew up in a strict, traditional Muslim family. Their family wasn’t too happy about our relationship, so that was always a struggle. Nonetheless, I learned many beautiful aspects of Islam from Anxious Muslimx. The religion is full of magic beyond anything I would have assumed. For those of you with cultural roots in Islam, I encourage you to explore the mysticism of some of its traditions if you haven’t already.
That doesn't mean that all who follow Islam are welcoming of witchcraft.
I was constantly challenged whenever I expressed my witchy side around Anxious Muslimx. Although they were adept to soft and simple holistic pleasures like crystal charm, herbal remedies, enchanting affirmations, and acknowledgement of higher being(s), Anxious Muslimx would question to energy around any unpopular pagan practice of mine. Candle magic, chanting, moon magic, channeling, scrying, and rootwork were all more or less frowned upon. Whenever I did do something witchy, I could feel their judgement and eventually I became discouraged from the craft. I practiced less and less until I didn’t practice at all.
Anxious Muslimx was an empath, for sure. No doubt. But often times, they would claim that my energy or the energy I was working with was beneath their standards. Bad energy. Anxious Muslimx was... anxious. Based on the things they told me, I understand that much of their spiritual anxiety comes from fear mongering in their strict Muslim household. I never blamed them for their fear, but I realized that I was suppressing myself, neglecting my relationship with the Orisha and my ancestors to make accomadations for their anxiety.
We broke up. Not over this in particular... I’m not even 100% sure why Anxious Muslimx ended our relationship, but I am 100% content because now I have more room to explore myself and be myself. We both have growing to do </3
What I’m up to and why I’m back
Well, I’m here on Tumblr again for starters, haha!
These days I’m:
-delving deep into Hoodoo
-learning Spanish
-awaiting my DNA Results from Ancestry
-working as a full time community organizer and artist, part-time model
-spending time with myself and loving it! (no more relationships for a long time!)
As I’m following the trails of my roots as a witch and as a Black person, I’m unraveling so much. I’m asking and answering questions like:
- what does it mean to be a Black, queer witch?
- how I translate the Christian influences Hoodoo into language and practices that are LGBTQ-inclusive?
- what does Rootwork look like when it’s practiced in the Northeast?
- how will my spirituality grow and how will my understanding of magic shift once I learn what region my ancestors are from?
- when will I connect with other Black and Latinx witches for conjure meet-ups?
These are all the things I will be blogging from here on out. So, you can expect to see more posts from me. Maybe less aesthetic posts and more wordsy things like this. I hope you’re down to stick around!
I’ve got some new spells to share with you all <3 Much love. Much gratitude!
