#soshiro angst

[myblusie]

— ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴇꜱᴛ, ɢɪᴠᴇɴ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴏᴅꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴘʀᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ, ᴛᴏᴏ, ᴀᴍ ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ ᴘᴛ. ɪɪ | ꜱᴏꜱʜɪʀᴏ ʜᴏꜱʜɪɴᴀ ⨾ 星野 宗四郎

ଳ content: when the formidable vice-captain of the third division finds himself falling for a fellow officer, will he fight against it or accept it

ଳ paring: soshiro hoshina x f!reader

part I

⋮ ⌗ ┆to my lovelies who's been waiting for pt. II it is finally here! so glad that you all enjoyed the first one so much -`♡´-

You don't understand it.

No matter how many times you thought about it or how many conclusions you drew, something was wrong. Terribly wrong that when you're not distracted or being yelled at by your platoon leader, your gut is twisting without rest.

You couldn't help but think of a certain man with a bowl cut, the one who didn't fear death and fought with katanas. The one man you shouldn't be thinking about, and yet, his face was the only thing your mind wanted to remember.

And no matter how many times you've told yourself not to dwell on him, your mind has never been good at listening. It did whatever it wanted, and you were the victim left to fend for your heart.

For that reason, you often thought about it.

Was it love, you'd asked yourself.

But it couldn't be. That would be impossible.

Perhaps you just happened to cherish your friendships a little too much, especially this one. And maybe that was the reason why you noticed the change.

The way your friendship had turned sour. The way your connection with him had faltered. And though you don't know when the first crack had appeared or how it spread so fast, you knew one thing.

Something between you and Soshiro had fractured.

You felt it in your bones, borrowing so deeply that you were certain, you weren't even you anymore, and you didn't need any words to confirm it. The distance he had put between the two of you was enough for you to realize that something was amiss. Especially when his usual laughs had turned into harsh phrases that you've long memorized. It was nothing like before when the two of you used to share fleeting glances and laugh about anything.

Now, you were left with the pieces, trying to hold onto every single fragment in the hope of piecing it back together. Yet the pieces turned into ash, and before you knew it, they were slipping through your fingers like sand.

That was when it hit you. Why were you trying so hard to salvage a friendship that was clearly slipping away?

Then you thought of the officers who came and went from the same divisions as you. You thought of the friends you've made from your career in the defense force. You thought of the boy you liked during your beginning days. And yet, none of them had made your pulse falter the way Soshiro did when he was around.

None of them had made your heart clench when they looked away. None of them had left you without sleep, tossing and turning in bed as you thought of them the way you did with him. Even if you squeezed your eyes shut or told yourself that it was nothing, the questions never left your mind. Or when you slipped out of the dorm to walk beneath the starry skies, your mind was never cleared enough.

And though you didn't want to admit it, after almost two weeks, you gave in.

You had feelings for the man. The one with sharp eyes and a toothy grin. The one who's been pushing you away as though you were the plague in body. The one who had once been so kind and attentive to you.

But that was the difference between you.

You wanted answers. You wanted to know why his warmth had turned so cold. You wanted to know why his laughter had turned into cutting remarks that plunged a knife into your chest each time he spoke. And before you knew it, your impulse took you there.

"Vice Captain Hoshina." You had shown up at his office late at night without warning.

For a split second, you thought you saw surprise flash in his eyes, but maybe you had imagined it.

"What brings you here at this hour?" Soshiro had asked, but deep down, he was beyond curious. Your presence made his stomach churn and his lungs feel like they were without air. It was as though you hated the thought of him doing better and showed up every time just to taunt him. And each time you did, it was as though he was teaching himself how to breathe again.

Just how cruel are you going to be to me? The unspoken words crossed his mind, yet he didn't dare to voice them, let alone show them on his face.

"I..." you began, but your voice faltered. Every ounce of courage you had mustered crumbled before him.

What were you even doing here? What were you thinking by confronting him like this? What did you expect to gain, except humiliation?

You thought of turning away and ending it without a word. You considered excusing yourself and requesting a transfer to a different division. You thought of every excuse that would lie perfectly on the tip of your tongue, anything to end this sudden tension.

But then you thought of yourself. You thought of the girl who lay awake in bed without answers. You thought of the girl who was abandoned without a word.

And you knew, if you didn't speak now, you never would.

"I—why are you pushing me away?" The question tumbled from your lips, and something shifted in Soshiro's face. His brows raised, then dipped. His jaw tightened as though he was fighting the words that hid in the back of his throat.

Soshiro hadn't expected this. He had braced himself for distance, not a confrontation. He had imagined you would eventually request a transfer, or at the very least, keep your distance from him. And yet, here you stood, just as stubborn as he was, slipping past the walls he had built so many times before.

Indeed, you were the test of will, the test that the gods had given him, and perhaps if he'd passed, he'd never learned of despair. But then again, what would he gain from it?

The answer never came to him.

And though his heart was begging him to give in, Soshiro would rather destroy his mind before tasting the water. He would rather fall to his knees than crawl to you. And though he hates to admit it, he was a coward when it came to you, so pathetically so that it scares him at times.

If he truly gives in to you, just how far would he go for you?

"Have no clue what you're talking about, Officer L/N." Soshiro kept his voice even and steady. "I treat all my coworkers the same," he added, and your eyes sharpened.

The lie stung as though a thousand needles were pierced into your skin at once. You were furious. You didn't believe an ounce of his words. Yet the anger that had burned inside of you quickly dissipated into emptiness when you realized the reason why.

You weren't even worth the truth.

And you should have ended it there. You should have taken his answer and left. The sooner you twist that knife out of your chest and patch it up, the better. But instead, you did the opposite. It was as though you were telling him to plunge it deeper until your blood had run dry.

"If you didn't like me," you said, voice wavering, "you shouldn't have toyed with my feelings."

A confession. One that you didn't expect to roll off your tongue, but it was too late. At this point, you might as well slap him for all the cruel things he's done to you, and then resign forever. But instead, your eyes found the floor, refusing to meet his eyes as you found yourself in regret.

How naive of you to think that his kindness had been affectionate. How foolish of you to accept his warmth and take it as love, especially when kind was the word Soshiro was known by.

"Must I remind you again, Officer L/N?" Soshiro swallowed the lump that had formed in the back of his throat. "We can't afford relationships in this line of work," he said, but this time, he needed the words more than you.

For a brief moment, you didn't say anything, nor did you make a single movement. It took a little convincing before you murmured, "right," nodding faintly.

You couldn't help but call yourself a fool for standing here.

You knew Soshiro, and you knew that discipline was his God, one that he's never turning an eye away from. He was a fortress, the embodiment of the very word itself. Everyone knew that. Especially you, yet here you were, humiliated and drenched in the rain you had willingly walked into.

"My apologies, Vice Captain Hoshina. I was out of line." Your voice clicked back into professionalism, but Soshiro could see the hurt in your face. He could see the tears in your eyes, even under the dim lamplight behind him.

And for a moment, he imagined crossing the room and pulling you close. He imagined letting go of what he thought was right and choosing you, the one choice that would either leave him whole and breathing or one that would drown his body until he was consumed by nothing but regrets.

But he didn't move, nor did he say a word.

It was you who broke the silence.

"I'll finish my fifty laps first thing in the morning."

Your words left him shattered. Soshiro felt as though his heart had been torn from his chest, and in its place lay the guilt that had consumed him every time he punished you for being too close to him and excused it as improper work ethics.

You weren't the cruel one.

It was him.

"No laps," Soshiro said, turning his back to you. "Get some rest." His words were final, and you knew that.

What you didn't know was how he couldn't bring himself to look at you, knowing that any moment now, his world would come crashing down, and he'd do something he might regret for the rest of his life.

It will fade away, he'd told himself.

It has to.

Soshiro had imagined this many times before. You'd choose to walk away, and he'd be finished building the walls around his heart. You'd never question his intentions, and he'd be happier with rest and without guilt.

But it wasn't like that at all.

If anything, he was coming undone.

He thought the knife you had plunged into his chest was gone and his wound was on its way to healing, but in truth, it was still there, holding up the blood that was slowly dripping from his heart.

The memory of your conversation played in his mind like a movie that he couldn't turn off. It gnawed at his resolve. It made him question everything he did. And without a doubt, it was rubbing on him in every way possible; even the platoon leaders and Captain Ashido were asking if he was fine.

And to Soshiro, he was more than fine. His plans had worked. You kept your distance as though he were the plague, and it wasn't the other way around. In the corner of his eyes, he didn't see your pretty face, nor did his ears perk up to the sound of your voice.

It was good.

You really heeded his words.

And yet, Soshiro did not find peace.

Instead, Soshiro was certain that he had gone mad. His mind was filled with questions that he tried to rid himself of, but like an annoying fly that wouldn't leave his side, the question loomed in his mind.

What if he had been different? What if he didn't allow the fear of tomorrow to rule his mind? Would he die of happiness, or would he drown in sorrow?

He found his answer the next day when you walked through the door while he was in a conversation with Captain Ashido.

At a glance, Soshiro could tell that you didn't sleep well. He could see the way your eyes had swelled, and the way your demeanor had changed. And he knew, he knew the cause of your sleepless nights because you, too, were his, though he would never admit it.

"I'd like a transfer to a new division, Captain Ashido," you spoke, and Soshiro felt as though his world had come crashing down.

This was what he wanted, right? He had lain in bed, praying that he didn't have to initiate the distance, that he didn't have to transfer. He had been keeping away from you so you'd stop showing up unannounced at the doorstep of his heart.

It was an opportunity. He could focus on his job again, and you'd do the same. But then why did he want to scream? Why was his hand itching to grab you and tell you to stay?

No, this is for the best, he repeated the words in his mind like a prayer to whatever God was listening to him. And yet, when you called out to him so softly in that voice that he missed so dearly, he realized he had kept his eyes closed the entire time. Then he saw your face, and the smile that made his heart skip the first time was staring back at him.

"Thank you for being a good leader. I'll be going now." You bowed, and Soshiro lost it completely.

When you left the room, Soshiro snapped. His body turned against his will and found its way to you. He didn't care that he left the Captain's office so abruptly. He didn't care if he looked like a fool in front of his boss.

And though Soshiro didn't want to admit it, if the alarm had sounded right now, he wouldn't run the opposite way. He'd go to you, and that was the reason why he feared you.

"Wait!" His voice cracked with desperation, but he didn't care. Soshiro ran to you, and by the time you turned around, his arms were around you, and his lips were pressed onto yours. It was harsh and abrupt, a hunger that Soshiro had tamed for so long until he could no longer hold it in anymore.

You had tasted so sweet, so deadly that he knew there would be no going back. But that didn't matter anymore.

It was then that Soshiro decided that he didn't care about rules, about discipline, or the thought that death was looming above you. He didn't care if you could unravel his heart in ways that made him human.

"Don't leave," Soshiro whispered against your lips. "Stay..." he pleaded, tightening his hold around you, and that was more than enough for you to wrap your arms around his waist and return his kiss, ravishing his lips like he did to yours.

And with each second that passed by, Soshiro was more and more certain that he didn't care if death was waiting for him. He didn't care if his last breath was tomorrow, or the day after. He had decided then and there, and this time, he had chosen you.

And if devotion was his best suit, Soshiro wanted you to be his God, because nothing was more humane than giving in to your deepest desires.

And in that moment, he realized.

Even if tomorrow is unwritten, he wouldn't drown in sorrow. He'd die the happiest man alive.

╰┈➤. ゛taglist ⸝⸝.ᐟ⋆ @milabyxz @luopenis @kaminabbygirl @noice-fanfic-lover @purcupinata7777 @quietsnakeenclave

© myblusie

[myblusie]

— ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴇʀᴇ ᴛʜᴇ ᴛᴇꜱᴛ, ɢɪᴠᴇɴ ʙʏ ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴏᴅꜱ ᴛᴏ ᴘʀᴏᴠᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ ɪ, ᴛᴏᴏ, ᴀᴍ ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ ᴘᴛ. ɪ | ꜱᴏꜱʜɪʀᴏ ʜᴏꜱʜɪɴᴀ ⨾ 星野 宗四郎

ଳ content: when the formidable vice-captain of the third division finds himself falling for a fellow officer | angst

ଳ paring: soshiro hoshina x f!reader

part II

Soshiro knew better than most.

He had spoken those words so many times they were etched into every crevice of his mind. Perhaps by now, the words were already seeping into the marrow of his bones. From the trainees to the officers with scars from battles with the kaiju beasts, and even, shamefully, to the few officers he found attractive in his years of service.

"Relationships have no place in this line of work." The words he repeated like a prayer to the Gods, especially on the days when his resolve was starting to fray.

Soshiro knew better than most. He understood what his job demanded. What it took from people like him. And death wasn't some distant possibility. In fact, it was a shadow, perhaps even closer than his own, breathing down his neck at this very moment. Any hour, any heartbeat, any breath could be his last. And yet, to fall in love only to leave someone behind in grief sounded unpleasant. Unforgivable, even for someone like him.

But there was something he forgot.

That he, too, was human.

And humans? Humans crave. They crave until longing turns to rot and eats their mind from within like a parasite that consumes their every being until their hands are holding that of their desires.

And yet, Soshiro believed himself different. That he had discipline, something that many did not harbor. That desire couldn't touch him, let alone consume his mind, until he was rotten and begging on his knees.

But then, you walked in. Fresh from the Second Division in your crisp and pristine uniform that you've ironed the night before.

"Officer Y/N. It's a pleasure to work with you."

Soshiro should have known better than to look longer than needed. He should have turned away before that heart of his skipped a beat, and invited the butterflies to dance in his stomach. And yet, he didn't. His eyes lingered a tad too long, and he swallowed the lump that had formed in the back of his throat.

He has seen beautiful before. He has seen pretty smiles, boba-like eyes, and even harbored fleeting infatuations that disappeared as quickly as they came and left. But you?

When you smiled at him, something inside him slipped. And when another stutter of his heart came, Soshiro knew he was in trouble.

The week that followed was war. Soshiro threw himself into the training room like a man who was possessed. Blades sliced the air over and over as sweat flew from his brow. It was almost desperate, and if anyone had seen him there and then, they would have guessed he was desperately trying to exorcise a ghost.

And yet, that wasn't enough. It wasn't enough for Soshiro to rid of your presence that danced in his mind like a wanted guest. So what did he do? Every evening, he would run and run until his clothes were drenched in sweat. He would run as many times as it took to blur his thoughts into nothingness, even if his lungs were burning and his legs were begging him to stop.

It was harsh, as though he was being punished, and, for God's sake, Soshiro felt as though he was, and you were the sentence he couldn't escape. A blasphemy of everything he believed in.

And, just when he thought it was over, one second was all it took to bring him back to ground zero.

Because your voice, gentle as the summer breeze and warm as tea on a cold morning, had somehow anchored itself in his mind. The more he tried to forget, the clearer it rang in his ears, almost as loud as the way his heart hammered in his chest whenever you're near.

He hated you for that. Even more so, he loathed the way your presence lingered and the thoughts that crept into his mind at night. The way your kissable lips would feel on his, and the way your skin would feel against the palm of his hands.

Soshiro had failed.

Two months, and he was still at ground zero. The usual trick he had used in the past had failed him, and discipline was a line that he was nearing.

Soshiro needed to do something. He had to act. He needed to shut his feelings down before they spiraled, or worse, before he spiraled into your life intimately.

"Vice-Captain Hoshina, regarding today's training—"

"Ask Platoon Leader Ikaruga." Soshiro's voice was enough to cut the air. It had been sharper than intended, but he didn't make a move. He shouldn't care, and yet when your expression faltered, just barely, it was enough to make the knife you've planted in his chest twist.

"But… Platoon Leader Ikaruga told me to ask you," you said softly, and Soshiro's jaw clenched. The way your voice dipped. The way it flowed into his ears was so gentle. So close, and yet, too much.

"Fifty laps for disobeying orders," he barked, and you stood dumbfounded for a split second before it turned into something else. Something that made the knife dig into his chest, before being removed, only to plunge into him again.

You were hurt.

And Soshiro swore you would have made a great actress by the way you masked it away the next second.

In a clean, practiced motion, you straightened before saluting. "Roger." You didn't dare look into his eyes before you turned and walked off without another word.

And yet, Soshiro should have been happy with that. He should have let you go, but the way his eyes took yours kept playing in his mind. Was it betrayal in your eyes? Disappointment?

He didn't know.

He shouldn't want to know.

But the following words were already clawing their way up his throat. His lips reacted before his mind could process, reaching for you when he hadn't given it permission.

"Officer Y/N—" Your name escaped him before he could stop it.

You turned, calm and professional. Whatever emotions you had harbored before were gone, and in their place was the neutral mask Soshiro hated.

"Yes, Vice-Captain Hoshina?"

Soshiro cursed under his breath. How dare his heart speak in turn for him? How dare his mind play such tricks on him? How dare the Gods bring you to tread his path when he thought nothing could penetrate his walls?

"Make it fifty-five...laps." Soshiro tried to sound as cold as a winter storm, yet he faltered at the last moment. His voice was softer than cold and controlled. It was nothing that he had intended, yet he didn't press himself. Because it was more than enough to prove that, he, too, was human.

But giving in was never something he was good at.

╰┈➤. anyone want a part II ?

© myblusie

[myblusie]

— ɪ ᴡᴏᴜʟᴅ ᴄᴜᴛ ᴍʏ ᴏᴡɴ ʜᴀɴᴅꜱ ᴏꜰꜰ ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ᴛᴏᴜᴄʜɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ | ꜱᴏꜱʜɪʀᴏ ʜᴏꜱʜɪɴᴀ ⨾ 星野 宗四郎

ଳ content: having a heart-to-heart conversation with the vice-commander

ଳ paring: soshiro hoshina x f!reader

ଳ word count: 100~

“Have you ever wish on a shooting star?” you asked, your head tilted back as you gazed upon the stars above. It was brighter here than in the city—more than you’d see from the base. It reminded you of the sea that glimmered in the sunlight on a sunny day, except this time, the sea had been darkened, leaving naught but stars in its absence. It was simply beautiful.

At your question, Soshiro huffed a quiet laugh. “Nah. Why would I? If I want something, I make it happen myself.”

You lowered your head to look at him; your gaze was soft. “Really? So there’s never been something you wanted but couldn’t have?” 

For once, Soshiro hesitated. His violet eyes flickered to your lips, then back to your eyes. His fingers twitched against the armrest of his camping chair as the fire between you crackled. 

There is.

But instead, he smiled. “Well, if I did wish for something, I wouldn’t tell you. It’s bad luck after all.”

╰┈➤. unfortunately, this is only a teaser for a Soshiro Hoshina x f!reader fanfic I'm working on. it will however, be posted soon.