@soulaligned: "I don't understand what you think I did wrong."
and that's the problem, isn't it? duke can't understand it because duke is smart, he's logical, he knows things. he knows he did nothing wrong, he knows he's done nothing but support ted. how is ted supposed to explain that that's the problem? how is he supposed to explain that he's pushing duke away because he's good for him? admitting to self sabotage certainly isn't on the agenda, even if the truth is obvious. the stench of vodka on his breath, the over emphasized gestures, the slight slur to his speech. no matter how good ted may be at hiding things, he can't hide the alcohol in his system.
"you don't understand? you don't understand?" repeated in a tone that toes the line between anger and laughter, as if having a conversation with himself, processing out loud. ted doesn't have many thoughts about his coping mechanisms, doesn't think much about if what he does is healthy. he's not really concerned with his own actions, always too focused on everyone else, on how they react, on what they think. he's had plenty of thoughts about duke, spiraling towards obsessing over the man, idolizing what he's decided is a picturesque view of perfection. duke is a good man. ted knows this more than he knows anything else. from the beginning he has been on ted's side, he has fought for ted. he has seen ted at his worst and still staunchly believed in his goodness. duke believes he is someone worthy of saving, believes that who he is is enough. something about that just infuriates ted to no end. how can a guy be so perfect? how can he have his shit so sorted and see the best in people? how can he spend every day in this shitty town and not go absolutely fucking insane?
"y'know what i don't understand?" the anger creeps into his voice, his self hatred being projected outwards, towards one of the very few good relationships he has. wouldn't things be easier if he didn't have this bond? wouldn't it be better for everyone if he disconnected entirely, wallowed in his pity elsewhere and let everyone else live their happy perfect lives? he's sure dukes life would be a hell of a lot easier if ted didn't keep calling him, keep dragging him around off the clock to convince himself that he's still a good person, that the kid duke met is still who he is. can duke see how the world has changed ted? has he noticed the light leave the mans eyes over the years? has he watched ted and wished the boy he used to be would come back? does he ever think maybe it would've been better off if he never helped ted in the first place? "i don't understand why the fuck you're still here."












