#soulmate lost

[tessariel-aerlinn]

This Saturday, March 18, at 7 PM ET I will hold a memorial for my dear husband Benjimir. It will be in Gridania at the Mih Khetto Amphitheater (Balmung server). It's taken me a while to muster the strength to do this and I honestly don't know what to expect. If you wish to join me, say a few words or pop some fireworks or magicked prisms you are all most welcome. And thank you for being patient with me and supporting me.

[broken-tiaras]

So you just left. Yet again I failed to have the courage to tell you that I can't do this anymore. I love you so, so much, and can't seem to say the words that I know I need to. I crave just snuggling up to you in bed, to feel your arms around me, & to listen as your heartbeat lullabies me to sleep. Yet I know this will probably never happen again. It's already been a year since the last time. A year... a full fucking year... but here I am. I'm still here begging you to love me. Begging you to go back to a time where I didn't question if you loved me too, I KNEW. You have slowly stripped away all the little things that made us "us". The comforting silence of just being in your arms. The way my body instantly would relax at the sight of you or sound of your voice. The way I could tell you absolutely anything & everything. The way I could be my true self with you. I let down my guard completely to be hit with I need space. We still talk daily, yes. I have told you many times before tho... can't just be your friend. I'm always going to want/need more, ALWAYS. I need touch, I need to feel important, I need to be loved. I can not continue to pour from an empty well because babe, my well is so empty my buckets are filled with dirt. I'm steadily trying to get my heart to realize what my head already knows. I can't do this anymore. I can't continue begging for love. I shouldn't have to. I just can't continue to be the only one fighting for "us". I can't. I love you more than words could possibly ever describe, but I have to choose me because it's obvious that you aren't going to.

[sickyetsatisfactory-blog]

[xxxthisshitisbananasxxx]

Dumb Dumb

I don’t understand you sometimes... One moment you hold me close, kiss my forehead, and whisper into my hair “I missed you”. The next moment I’m left alone wishing we could talk more than three lines a week. One moment you’re laughing in shock, saying I’m the best girlfriend you ever had. Could ever ask for. Now you tell me that you don’t love me. We discussed what we’d name our children over dinner. Now you’re telling me that you can’t even see yourself marrying me? Where did we go wrong? Why can’t I make you see that we’re perfect together? I really just don’t even understand any more. And I’m pissed off because I can’t get it through your head that it’d work. I can’t get into your head at all any more. I don’t even recognize you anymore... And that scares me because I see you in everything I do. At work. At home. On the road. At the grocery store. It’s getting ridiculous. I can’t avoid the thought of you. I can’t stop dreaming of you. I can’t stop wishing you were here. It’s just not fair... We finally found perfection together and suddenly it’s being ripped away. Now I don’t know how long I can last. I don’t know what’s going to come from this loneliness. How I can find someone better. Because you’re everything I’ve ever wanted since I was a little girl. Even when you’re being a dumb dumb I still think the world of you. I still love you more than I thought I could or would.