#sourcloud

[para-prosdokian]

[para-prosdokian]

i'm almost sorry i have a halloween party to go to today. my costume really sucks and i'm in my friend's house while he's on the shower listening to old justin timberlake songs and going through tumblr. tumblr on halloween is just simply awesome. 

but it is indeed a good party and my costume doesn't suck so much and i will look hella cute although is not really clever or unique and i'm always down to get drunk with my friends.

my life is so rad right now that staying in sounds as good as going out and i'm having the best day slash halloween ever.

happy halloween everyone!! go do spooky slutty drunk things tonight,

[para-prosdokian]

waiting for my deus ex machina

[para-prosdokian]

today i was thinking about my sensibility. for those of you that don’t know me in real life, i’m the most sensitive motherfucker that ever walked this planet. everything have a fucking affect on me, i can’t control what hits me or not. my most commom state is being overwhelmed. i’m always overwhelmed by everything. music, movies, tv shows, people, books, events, conversations, thoughts, memories, feelings… everything.

i’ve been seeing a handful of therapists for the past three years in the hope that i can finally just… feel less. cope with my emotions and don’t let things destroy me so easily. i guess i’ve been trying to build an armor, maybe. trying to at least get to chose what penetrates my barriers.  

the funny thing though it’s that when you search the word “sensitive” all you can’t find is pictures of women and children crying or grumpy or just looking like they have a fucking toothache or something. i won’t even discuss the fact that apparently only women and children are sensitive, it would be a pointless digression because i’m pretty sure that anyone who follows me would know what i have to say about it.

my point is: when you feel everything so heavily, when little things are amplified to become the greatest things that ever happened, you’re not only completely defenseless to the bad stuff. you get hit in the face with good things too.

when most people are glad, i’m jumping up and down, exploding of pure joy; when people are happy, i can’t containg myself and chances are that i’m crying inside and out; when people are excited, i’m shaking and stuttering because the excitement feels like poison in my veins and i can’t even be remotely compared with a human being, let alone an adult.

happiness is as destructive and dangerous for me as sadness. i’m always worried that something really really really good or really really really bad will happen and i’ll have a heart attack. 

(side note: i’m plenty aware that this is a mental illness. no need to worry, i’m seeing a doctor and being medicated.)

nonetheless, i have been a “bubbly”, stupid, over excited person my whole life. i’m always the person going mental over little things and being weirdly happy about them. this is a trace of my personality and, to be honest, one of my features that i like the most.

it’s really nice to be able to see life like this, and i’m proud to say that i take my coffe with a lot of sugar. i’m always laughing, i’m always in a good mood and i fight against all odds to see the good in life and in people. i might be naive, but this is how i roll and this is how i manage to survive in this ruthless world. 

i can’t tell where my personality ends and where my disease starts. i struggle with this since the beginning, five years ago. am i sad or am i depressed? am i happy or this is just another manic episode? i’m sensitive or am i sick?

for so long i decided that i could only be truly happy when i’m calm, almost numb.

but i don’t think like this anymore.

so my whole point is:  if you could stop feeling everything in this intensity, the worst and the best, would you? would it be worth it giving up the extreme joy so i couldn’t feel so low? 

if the armor i’m working on for so long was actually able to protect me from all the bad things but would keep me away from the good things, would i wear it? is there a way to stop being so sensitive in wich i could keep being bubbly and just FUCKING MYSELF??

it’s hard to know.

[para-prosdokian]

so today i had a dream in which john green was my boyfriend and he was in my house meeting my family and at some point we had sex and it was the worst sex of my life. it lasted two minutes and i was seriously mad at him when he finished and i said to him "go to your own house, please. i can't even look at you".

so there's that. the weirdest sex dream i've ever had. and this feels like the right place to talk about it.

[para-prosdokian]

Faz parte desse jogo Dizer ao mundo todo Que só conhece o seu quinhão ruim É simples desse jeito Quando se encolhe o peito E finge não haver competição É a solução de quem não quer Perder aquilo que já tem E fecha a mão pro que há de vir

[para-prosdokian]

je peux encore sentir ton parfum en moi

[para-prosdokian]

What If? (That’s What She Said- Power and Purpose)

"What if for a moment we surrender everything we think we are What if I am not a woman, black, American, short, voluptuous, poor What if I evolve beyond all the things I claim to be What would be left? Who would I be? What would I do? What would I seeks?

I believe that in the mind of God, Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, Spirit, Universe Whatever force you claim Nowhere was smallness a part of the plan You were not meant to be mindless Were not made to be a slave to an environment that does not grow you

Open up and let the world love you

This is your birth right  And something in you knows this But getting to it, is the sludge you must pass through to access everything that’s next

I used to allow the passive aggression of others to shame me into silence Tried to resist internalizing it but subconsciously would wondered why I wasn’t good enough I used to hide my art cuz I was ashamed of it Too much truth in these stanzas Not enough structure and sugar coating Not enough whisper in my woman for the comfort of men We are raised to stay in our place To not shake things up  This is continually reinforced But every person who has ever made a difference on this earth at some point Spoke up Put in work Every one of them learned to get back up

I am reminded of the things I know in the strangest of places Sky Zone is where I found my grace Somewhere between bounce and land Watched these tiny children run and fall and get back up Watched grown men flip and fold Watched my friend perfect a trick My eyes swallowed them whole My spirit craved the thing my body was most afraid of The freedom in flight I wanted to flip To allow this neglected body to exist in free fall But I was afraid of falling Afraid I would look stupid Afraid someone from across the way would notice the big of me trying something not meant for my size I was paralyzed Couldn’t allow myself to let go enough to fall head over heel So I bounced In a single square in a room full of trampolines I stayed in my place But there is no power in that No beauty in the fear of feeling this body resist spirit

I am more than the limitations I’ve set for myself More than what the world tells me I can be I am not just this skin Not just the things I do I am the culmination of every thought in the most high Which makes my existence holy And what if I tried on worthy for size I have wasted so many hours worried Sick to my stomach about frivolous matters and avoided my truth What if fear didn’t control me What if I didn’t let my past define me What then would fill the space of where my fears lived?

I think knowingness would fill the space I know now that I was born to write To express To remind the timid to be brave So I will not behave Will not settle into the mundane standards society has set for me as a overweight black woman in America

I will love myself enough to chase these dreams To jump for joy To rise in love and fall right out of self hate Because I was born I was born to be great"

http://natalieispoetry.wordpress.com/