Catching up to the As I’ve Written chapters, reading Phainon’s 4th and this suddenly like sprung to mind: part of his psyche includes a struggle with empathy fatigue.
As Phainon, and early iterations of Khaslana’s journey, he’s still exceedingly empathetic. That’s shown in his efforts to try and ensure the CH survive while he takes Coreflame upon Coreflame. And Phainon without Khalsana’s memories still feels the losses he faces deep down (he even admonishes Khaslana when Khaslana cannot even so much as cry).
But obviously, he’s still only a man, and even as Phainon he’s prone to flaw. Since resolving himself to bear everyone’s wishes, he does all he can to be the Deliverer all expects. In his perfection of that, where he is a formidable warrior who protects all, eases the hearts of all and never sheds a tear—barring himself from ever being himself as Hyacine points out by achieving this perfection—a part of him already is locked away, and it’s a part that doesn’t bade him to weep even for departed comrades. However, Phainon is acutely aware of this—and ashamed. I think he still feels sorrow for the departed at this point, but he’s deeply ashamed that he cannot quite be human, anymore, when he gets to the point of perfection that he doesn’t shed tears. Maybe part of why he was so angry at Khaslana for being unable to cry was in part fueled by the anger he felt toward himself for not being able to do that.
So, the interaction between that perfect Deliverer and the young, human man…I think that’s the crux of why he’s able to be fueled so much by anger and fury.
He has never loved himself, that’s obvious from how willing he is to sacrifice himself on multiple fronts (and proof of his perfection being a flaw; perfection isnt in humanity’s nature, so what else can you expect when a human is able to channel perfection? It’s at odds with our nature, much less Phainon who is, at his core, a deeply caring man…who sees more value in the happiness of others than his own self. Even before the black tide he already had this mindset; making everyone else he loves happy and living up to their expectations was something he was already doing back when he was preparing to leave to train in Castrumn Kremnos. That’s not something a person who likes themselves does, and not to get too personal but I can attest to that, and it really isn’t a healthy mindset at all). So of course, when he’s so much more willing to empathize with others, there’s not much else for his angry to go toward than himself. And all of this gradually wears on him.
It was only natural that as cycles passed, he grew less concerned with his friend’s survival. Being constantly weighed down by other’s hope, taking their pain as his own, and simultaneously despising himself more bit by bit—not to even speak of how he experiences loss after loss by way of OTHERS sacrifices for him (which comes at odds with his own people pleasing esque nature; because he WOULD rather he sacrifice himself for everyone than having them so that for him—and it’s its own tragedy in a sense that he never really could until embarking on his journey as Khaslana…but as Khaslana, he’s so embittered and empathy fatigued and grief stricken that rage is the only thing that can keep him going. In that way, sacrifice for him isn’t just natural; it’s his literal only way of life, and he’s not exactly concerned with preserving the wellbeing of others in the cycles, is he?) Being exposed to constant tragedy, and feeling so deeply for others, it’s no wonder he just kind of snaps after a while. He only ever wanted others to be happy, and he was more than willing to be on the hook for that, but in the end he was always the only one left standing. It’s only natural that fury and hate results from this, and for Phainon, makes it even more clear why he had such a difficult time reconciling with his past—because for his family and friends in Aedes Elysiae, he CAN’T let go of his desire for revenge. How could he? Their lives and wishes got cut short, so how else can he redirect that except at both himself (to never let something like that happen again, to not let others suffer) and the evil being responsible for that?
So yeah. TLDR; Phainon is just an immensely caring, empathetic man with lots of self doubt and likely self esteem issues, and being human, there’s only so far that he can feel empathy before he gets grounded into an empathy fatigued state. But because he’s still such a caring person at heart, feeling so much grief and anger for the numerous people who all relied on him and sacrificed themselves for him—the only thing that could’ve ever translated to was rage at the people responsible. Lygus, Nanook, etc. But I like to think, deep down, a very, very small part of him is angry at himself, and in anguish for the thing he has become after all these cycles. It honestly is such a testament that he didn’t go that insane, all things considered—sure, his grief leads him to burning down the library he could never, ever visit with Mydei, but he never broke. That would’ve been so much easier than collecting Coreflames, being consumed by them, and vanquishing former friends and foes as a husk who doesn’t know if he even remembers how to cry—being a monster, in his younger self’s eyes—than just breaking and letting Irontomb be complete.
But he doesn’t. And, maybe ironically, you know why?
The man, even wrung of his empathy to be left a beast of grief and anger dead set on vanquishing the cause of all of his and others’ suffering—can still care about people from beyond a sky he’s never met, and do everything in his power to make sure they don’t have to suffer, too. I know he doesn’t love himself, hell, doesn’t love the world—but he just loves other people, so so much that it is the catalyst for everything he does. And a silly part of me can help but be a little dumbstruck, and admire that. If only he knew how loved he was, and if only he could be given a time to learn to be loved, and love himself…
Sorry for the disorganization or rambling, I didn’t think it’d be this long and I wrote it as I went lol. Hopefully this doesn’t clog anyone’s dash. Idk this can only be like 500 words right? I probably might not like this analysis much later anyway lol; I’m still working on properly understanding the breadth of his character
