Teenage angst...Or is it?
Requested by @that-wannabe-vangoghgurl : The winchester boys mistake your depression for teenage angst. What do they do when they realize they're wrong??
Pairings : Winchester brothers x sister!reader.
Warnings : depression, depressive thoughts, dumb family members not understanding what's happening?
A/N : I tried to portray depression as right as i could. I hope i didn't exaggerate or misinterpret things. I'm sorry to anybody going through something like this. I hope this fic brings yall some comfort. (gif has nothing to do with the story i just legit couldn't find anything else)
It's been a while since you and the boys had settled in this little town, a while since you've been painfully sharing rooms with them. And a while since things have been getting worse.
Worse, not just because it was getting unbearable for you to stand your own presence but also because it was getting harder living with the boys. Too many moments had gone by where instead of comforting you, they made it harder to be around them. And usually that's Dean's job. But somehow, impossibly, Sam had joined in.
Maybe it was you, easily irritable? But something about the way they snickered at your words and how they dismissed all your emotions made your nails bite into your palms.
And then, every moment around them turned into a struggle.
"What can i get for you?" The waitress's voice sounded above you. And you bit the inside of your mouth, waiting for your queue. After ordering, your brothers turned to you.
"A water." You confidently said, not bothering to look up. And both boys shared a look before Sam spoke.
"she'll have a...quinoa salad and a side of fries." A tinge of pain sounded in his voice, causing something to shift within you. Sam ordered your favourite food, or at least what used to be your favorite food. Before you fully lost your appetite.
Today, right in this moment, actually, the smell of different foods traveling around the diner, lingering in the fucking air caused nothing more than churning in your stomach. It made you sick.
Tugging your lips upwards into a smile, you looked at Sam. Dean sat beside you, his back leaning against the corner that joins two sides of the booth. You could feel his eyes burning the side of your skull. He probably noticed your temple pulsing as you clenched your jaw. His eyes probably faltered. He probably glanced at Sam's whose eyes were solely focused on you.
"You know i'm not gonna eat that, right?" You asked, your voice a pitch higher in an attempt to save yourself. "If i were hungry i would've ordered for myself."
You wondered if the boys noticed how fake your voice is, how fabricated the tone is, how rehearsed the words are. And from the almost unnoticeable glance they exchanged, you guessed that they did notice.
"If i had any proof air had nutritional effects, i would've let it slide. But i'm pretty sure it doesn't."
Your shoulders hunched as you leaned back with a sigh. When does this end....how does this end.
"Does it? have any nutritional effects?" Dean insisted, his voice carrying a tone of that sarcastic fucking shit you needed none of and you know fucking what-
You snatched the car keys from the tabletop
Sliding out of the booth, you didn't turn to look at your brothers. You felt Dean lean back back. His eyes followed you, so did Sam's.
But you didn't care anymore. Fuck them, fuck.them. You couldn't take it anymore
"Does it? have any nutritional effects?" Dean insisted, his voice carrying a tone of that sarcastic fucking shit you needed none of and you know fucking what-
You snatched the car keys from the tabletop, Sliding out of the booth, you didn't turn to look at your brothers. You felt Dean lean back back. His eyes followed you, so did Sam's.
But you didn't care anymore. Fuck them, fuck.them. You couldn't take it anymore. Pushing the dienr door out of your way, you walked to the car, opening it to curl upward, your back anxiously glued to the leather.
You were just thinking it..This thought of not being able to take their shit anymore.
Your arms envelopped your legs and your fingers dug into your flesh. So many thoughts, opinions, so many words and things to yell at them but you just..You didn't have the energy. You wanted to do so much but you just…You lost control a long time ago.
You just couldn't . You fucking can't.
The sound of the door brought you back to life. You didn't turn around, though. It didn't matter who it was. And as their leather jacket creaked, indicating that they bent down, you waited, a feeling that it was Sam rather than Dean. The softness of the door's mouvement, the gentle bending.
Dean would've left you the car and walked home. He didn't like confrontation, especially not when he was mad. Sam, on the other hand was much more patient.
He understood things differently, viewed them differently. He wouldn't leave you, he'd still ask questions and wonder, worridedly. Dean would do all those things angrily.
"You know you could just walk home…right?" The voice sounded like Sam's but the words just screamed Dean. Even though the tone was soft and gentle, you couldn't stop the tears prickling at your eyes. He wasn't wrong. You could just walk home but..you just..you…
You violently wiped at your eyes, mumbling an "i know" before retunring to your original position.
The heaviness of the question caused a sob to catch in your throat. It was too unexpected, too vague and yet it sounded precise. Tone too low, silence stretched.
He wasn't asking about why you left, or why you stopped eating, or why you didn't like anything anymore, or why you haven't genuienly smiled in a long time.
He was asking about it all, months and months of peculiar behaviour. The question you feared with your life, but one that you'd been expecting, even waiting for for a while.
A mixture of relief and anxiety coursed through your veins at the sound of Sam's tone, his question. A final breaking point from their side.
But of course you couldn't, you know, just casually answer the fucking question. How would you? where would you begin? what would you say?
Exactly, yeah. So you say nothing.
As tears streaked your cheeks, you locked your gaze forward, granting Sam a little shrug before completely disappearing into your thoughts.
I would if i could, Sam, i promise you i would if i... fucking could.
Later that day, a fraudulous knock startled you as the door slowly slid open. You pushed back your headphones, rolling your eyes at your brother's expression. One of confusion and disgust. One that you understood but couldn't respect.
You live in the weirdest world, filled with hatred and pain, awful deadly things and yet he's surprised find you laying on the floor?
"There are far worse things in life, you know that?"
"That's-" Dean waved you off. "That's not why i was looking- i-it's cold as hell, get up."
Dean leaped over you, and without any warning, gripped your arm, pulling you up in the most gentle manner. And although that earned him a frown from you, he ignored it. "Come On, kid-" He insisted.
"No i want to be here, get away." You attempted to yank your arm away but he- he was more sturbborn than you were.
"I don't care; i didn't ask you about where you want to be."
As Dean slowly plopped down on your bed, he bent forward, elbows jabbing into his thighs. And you just stood there, akwardly, shifting around.
You wrap your arms around your waist. "What now?" The words came out in a mumble, one that seemed to swiftly snap Dean out of his thoughts. He lifted his head up, narrowing his eyes before he closed them, eyebrows rising upwards.
"i don't know." He confessed, continuing with a sigh. And you jerked your head in confusion.
"Just give me a moment here to collect my thoughts-and Sam-I'd rather not talk without him."
You couldn't have collected your thoughts outside?
And just as though the thought was spoken out loud, Dean responded. "I-I feel so stupid-kid-I-i feel so stupid for...."
Your back straightened a little and your body suddenly stiffened "For...?" You pushed but Dean shook his head.
"He's sorry for-we're sorry for not understanding."
Behind you, the ruffling of clothes had you spinning around.
"Sammy." You whisper, acknoledging his presence while allowing him him. You shuffled to the side, finding yourself envelopped in your own arms again, a protective shield that unfortunately didn't restrain the tears from forming at your eyes, stinging in the process.
"Honey-adults we-" A heavy sigh caught in Sam's throat. And he paused for a second, shaking his head as his gaze met the floor. "We sometimes forget-not forget we..." He shook his head again, jamming his hands deep into his pockets. His own way of shielding himself maybe?
"We choose to be blinded in order for us to feel better." One of his hands traveled to his belly, ghostly resting over it as he spoke. "I really don't know why and how we didn't see it."
His other arm found it's way out of his jeans and before you know it, Sam closed the distance between you, pulling you into his chest before you get to protest...
Not that that's something you'd do because....because for the first time in a really long time, you felt heard.
You got to be present in the moment. No need for that upper layer of skin that you so longly held on to, no need for that forged smile that caused more sadness than anything else. No neef to lie.
You simply got to be you. And just as that you finished processing that thought, a sob escaped your throat. And then another one.
"i'm...not really sure how i can help." Sam almost murmured the words, his voice a tone lower. Like he was ashamed, yet persuaded.
"But that doesn't matter, right?"
"Whatever you need. Whenever you need either of us."
"We're both here for you."
"And we're so..." Their eyes met, over your head. "Stupid and dumb for not seeing it." Sam whispered under gritted teeth.
"Just tell us what you need, okay?"
"Okay." You stepped away from Sam, frowning at the sudden tightness in your chest. Like the air grew tight. Were you getting claustorophobic?? Maybe..After all. Things happened so fast. Yes, they took months but..Maybe not this soon, not here, not now-
You'd leave but...you're too tired.
"Can you...can you boys please leave?"
Sam sighed, heading toward the door. "Honey we're sorry-we didn't know."
"it's not that." You back into your room a little more, your space. "It's not that-i just-i just-I'm feeling really weird. I can't explain it." Your hands trail over your body. "i can't explain it i just feel so.." You breathe heavily. "I'm not mad." You repeat. "i swear i'm not i'm just..tired."
"Okay." The word is so inaudible that you don't know who it came from. But guessing from their moves, you presumed that it's Dean, given that he turned his back to you and quickly retreated, turning again and stepping over to you. He wrapped his arms around your neck and pulled you into him.
Although Dean was much bigger than you, a feeling nagged at you. Like Dean didn't pull you into him but rather the opposite. The hug felt as though it was meant for him, not you.
You wrapped your arms around him, squeezing around his waist. "It's okay, D."
Dean only sighed into your hair. A long, soft sigh. One that indicated that it was, in fact, not fucking okay.
For a second, you thought you would have to start consoling him and not the other way around. But he pulled away.
And without a word, he followed Sam outside.
Fucking alone with you again.
You internally informed yourself, taking in the sudden silence that fogged up the room.
Well-that was f...fucking weird. But...you wouldn't have to lie to them anymore. You'd get to be yourself.
Just then, a realization hit, they didn't leave, they didn't pull away. They asked questions, they tried finding solutions to something they still couldn't name? They didn't give up on you.
They realized their mistake, their blindness, their lack of attention, and they're looking for a way to fix it.
Oh myyyy-- i have never written anything so intensely in my whole life. I hope i portrayed things right- Dean, Sam, anxiety, everything. I would love to apologize for a lot of things but then this end note would be too long so i'll leave it here lol. See you next time babes!!!! FEEL FREE TO TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS FIIC🖤🖤🖤🧚🏻♀️🧚🏻♀️🧚🏻♀️
