sehnsucht
AU. She rather had him with her against his will, than never being able to see him again; this are her thoughts as she claims to be engaged to the ex rounin, Uchiha Sasuke, who is about to be sentenced to exhile.
AO3 || previous >>> six >>> tbc…
Lately, it was hard for her to conceal sleep. Whether it was due to the stress of her work or her current situation, she did not know.
It had been a while since she had insomnia, she had done everything she could to go to bed yet not even teas, pills or exercise seemed to make her dose off.
It affected her development, and it reflected in her appearance.
Sasuke noticed first, but he had also not known what to do in order to help her, seeing as he too, had some sleepless nights of his own.
She never talked about it, nor did she bring up the subject, but she knew. Late into the night she would wake up at the sound of the sheets creasing, only to open her eyes and meet his form moving from side to side, his hand clenching and unclenching the sheets as he moved.
His forehead would start to dampen, and his features to wrinkle.
At first it was rare the occasion she came to notice his nightmares, but Sasuke knew it had to do with the constant questions that flooded him ever since he came to notice the anomaly in the scrolls he studied. He wondered if Sakura had noticed, maybe she did since she was the smart one out of them but maybe she was too preoccupied with more things that she could handle.
While he, he only recalled his late brother’s intentions. How he would occasionally appear on his dreams and try to remind him, he had so much to do still.
Sometimes a little of her soothing chakra would suffice to calm his nerves, placing her hand softly on his forehead. Sometimes she’ll hold his hand when he found hers as he struggled in his sleep, she’ll gulp, noting how their fingers intertwined as they had when they were younger, caught under the danger of Orochimaru’s seal.
She’ll remain silent, as all these memories flashed through her mind. She’ll remain silent, as she tenderly brushed off the dampened bangs that had fallen over his eyes and forehead. Waiting, until he was ready to speak instead of waking up and face the opposite side of her after telling her to go back to sleep.
Sakura would watch his back, trace his broad shoulders with her eyes and wait for his breathing to announce her that he was sleeping peacefully at last.
Sasuke never knew what to tell her after waking up to her sweet gestures, so instead he would try to control his breathing, then his heartbeat, so she had one less thing to worry about during the night.
She knew she had to give Sasuke the scroll, inform him of the information that Kakashi had shared with her. But after noticing how he still moved away from her touch, from her help, she wondered if asking him about himself will make him move farther away from her.
Sighing as she looked into the drawer of her office, more specifically, the scroll with that distinctive seal inside said drawer, she bit her bottom lip as she frowned.
She had read it. And while she had no problem answering most of those questions about herself, would this make Sasuke tell her more about himself? Or would he be offended and close back up?
His dreams, the things that motivate him… Would she be able to know about it someday?
“It’s very confusing, Naruto. Sometimes he comes and says kind things and the next moment he’s back into his shell. I know I should be patient, but really, I don’t know what is making him unable to trust me…”
She should know better than to let others know about her problems, least of all to Naruto, who thought their romantic relationship was real and had cheered her on more than one occasion to give it her all, but she figured her blond best friend was the most adequate to let her know how to handle their dark haired best friend.
Their bond was honest, they knew each other like two drops of water.
Surely, Naruto was the best one to help them both.
She felt a little more at ease now that she had confessed her preoccupations to someone —at least one of many, and she could now focus on her work.
As she continued her routine after having that small breakfast with Naruto, the latter visited the other member of their team.
“So, Sakura-chan seems to be having a tough time lately”
He grunted, because he certainly knew, he had seen it after helping her lay down to rest not so many nights ago.
“And it seems to be because you’re not letting her take care of you”
“I don’t need her to take care of me”
It was her who needed to be taken care of. A reckless idiot just like the one sitting in front of him.
“Oh, really? Then why there isn’t any bottles of sake left on the shelves? I thought I brought plenty for when I came to visit”
“Idiot, you drank most of them the same day” with him, he recalled briefly, but refraining to inform Naruto about it. It was pointless and utterly ridiculous to have them worry about every little thing he did or not.
“Oh. Did I? Well— anyways, Sakura-chan wishes to know more about you, she’s your partner and you have yet to let her know anything other than what she has seen. Don’t you think you need to trust her more?”
Sasuke didn’t look back at his friend, but rather he remained focused on the scroll he was reading when Naruto arrived.
“She needs to know you trust her, Sasuke. Don’t you think she deserves to know that even if you didn’t want her help?”
This time, as he hid his eyes behind his long bangs, he frowned. His silence making his hyperactive friend smile.
“So, tell her, whatever you think of her, she deserves that at least”.
He had wished for this moment to not come just yet. There was a reason to his actions, even now, after the incident a few nights prior. It downed on him the moment he looked at her so vulnerable in his embrace.
If she wanted to be there for him, he was fine with it. But there was a whole difference to be there for her. To let her into his life by allowing himself to be concerned about her.
It meant there was no going back, only going further in.
Only more and more depth and more and more dependence of her by worrying and concerning over her. He had lost so much once, he had decided to not let that happen twice and if he accepted her, if he let her in as someone special to him, there was no doubt he would not be able to let go. He would be fully concerned over her. Which would not be a terrible thing were it any other person than Uchiha Sasuke.
How much freedom would a person as apprehensive as him would be willing to give?
There were oceans of distance between them, seas of emotions to discover, depth in their thoughts that didn’t manage to be expressed because first of all, there was a barrier that did not allowed them to cross.
The uncertainty of not knowing to where they were directed with their intentions, with those numerous feelings that piled up between them when they were in the presence of the other.
So, they remained pretending there was none, pretending that it was enough with this unusual friendship between them, thinking that it would be enough to count with the friendship of the other for now, while they arranged their thoughts. While the other took the first step to something more.
It was after she left as soon as she finished checking on his condition that he allowed himself to reflect on what had happened between them through the years. He owed her respect, gratefulness, he owed her honesty.
But it was right at this concept that he inevitably closed back up. How could it be possible for him to express all he had confronted through the long years of their absence? How could she get to understand so that she would keep giving him the same unconditionality? Why was she so unconditional?
Surely because of her ignorance. Knowing of all his sins, of all the blood that his name carried, of all the pains inflicted to others and to himself in order to pursue a manipulated truth —lie after lie.
It was after she moved away from him that Sasuke felt more at ease, knowing she did not know all about him.
This was a burden that he did not wish for anyone else to carry. He decided day after day, without noticing how night after night, his demons were seeking out the comfort of whom he assured should never know about them.
“I’m here, Sasuke-kun”
She would whisper during the night, her breath fanning his troubled expression.
Her voice echoing through the dark fog of his most mischievous thoughts and luring him awake, only not as soothing as her voice.
In a quick flip and swift movement of sheets, it was Sakura who now laid back against the floor, her body making a deaf sound as it hit the surface and gasping when his hand circled her neck, his large palm feeling the way she gulped when she realized the position they were in.
His eyes widened as well, slumber dissipating as soon as he took notice of the all too familiar scenario laying in front of him.
He, supposedly her beloved partner, clenching his hand against her fragile neck and preventing her from moving. Too caught in the sudden action to move, only staring back at the wide mismatched pair of eyes looking back at her behind long and dark bangs, Sakura remained still as she tried to untangle the messy position they were in now.
Breathing unevenly, she noted the quivering of his lip, probably taking notice of the painful resemblance it held to the last time they were this close and Sakura felt her eyes start to dampen. Not because she was afraid, but because she could see so clearly how he was in pain, how he was affected by what he did, how he was still tormented with the mistakes he had done before and how he regretted them all, but it seemed like he could not help to react like this.
She closed her eyes, cutting off the contact they had before she slowly raised her almost trembling hands and searched for his face, cupping him despite feeling how he flinched at her touch.
“It’s okay, Sasuke-kun. I’m not going anywhere”
Her voice was low, Sasuke felt how her vocal cords resounded underneath his palm, his brow clenched and unclenched as he tried to look for her eyes as she slowly opened them once more, looking back at him.
Once more, she smiled reassuringly at him.
“You’re okay now, Sasuke-kun. You are home”
There was a slight tremble in her voice, almost unnoticeable had he not been circling her neck with his palm in order to feel the vibrations of her voice against it.
Slowly, he retreated until he was sitting, allowing space for Sakura to sit as well, facing him as he avoided her face.
“You shouldn’t do that” he said after a few seconds, his voice a striking contrast with the silence that had loomed over them in the obscurity of their room.
“Do what?”
“Care”
Sakura took a hard intake of air after listening to him.
“Of course, I should! Sasuke-kun!” she called out to him, her voice now louder making him raise his gaze in order to meet hers. Her small hands rushing to reach for his, tightening her grip around his. “I love you! No matter what!”
As soon as she confessed once more, she felt the color rush to her face, her eyes widening as she took notice of how Sasuke’s gaze was still on her.
There was it again, those two feelings connected to each other. To care and to love.
“I see” was all he said, not moving an inch as she felt herself continue to flush and remove her eyes from his stare, looking anywhere but his penetrating eyes.
“Certainly, I have long since told you this but… there’s also something we should discuss” now that she had gone as far as to say such strong words, she figured letting him know of the interview should be a perfect divergence to their current topic. “If you’re willing, Kakashi advised for us to get to know each other better”.
At the mention of their former mentor, Sasuke squinted his eyes.
“How?”
“He provided us a scroll with questions that are frequently used during these kind of interviews, he said we should get to know most of them for a better result” she explained as she tried to ignore the way Sasuke had chosen to focus his question in the ‘how’ rather than ‘when’ or ‘where’, probably as concerned as she was when she heard their mentor try to give them advice. Obviously, their mentor’s reputation prevailed through the years.
“Ok, then” he said without much ado, getting back on his feet now that the previous obscurity of the room had lightened a little with shades of brown grey filtering through the curtains. Taken aback by the easy acceptance, Sakura blinked as she followed his form moving to the door before listening to him call at her. “How do you like your tea?” he asked her, even though he most certainly had cleared up the traces of her rushed breakfast she had made for herself over the weeks they had spent together.
She restrained a smile, because this was him letting her know he will try.
“Should we make breakfast?” she proposed, determined to make use of Sasuke’s small opening, whatever it took for them to reach closer. If only a little more.
He made her brighten up when she noticed the small nod, before heading out of the room with a beaming Sakura trailing behind. Despite himself, he felt a chuckle escape his features.
All slumber and overwhelming atmosphere seemed to had ceased the moment they were now side by side on the counter of the kitchen, their elbows gracing each other since the space was so small, their hands occupied trying to make some onigiri.
Sakura could not help to gawk at the dexterity in which Sasuke now took a generous amount and molded in his right palm the rice. Compared to her smaller two hands, his onigiri were larger, fuller and much messier.
She observed with adoration how he looked like this, relaxed and focused on mundane chores like this one, right next to her on a fresh morning of autumn.
They had answered all the questions as they shared a meal for the first time since they lived together. They had eaten in the same space, but never at the same time. Sakura’s late schedules were hectic and Sasuke would always eat something small and earlier while he prepared meals for the next day.
Sitting in front of the other while the display of warm and abundant plates of food laid between them made Sakura feel motivated, now that she was able to spend time with Sasuke like this.
They had agreed in most of the questions, of course they were plenty to be left out since they were only engaged as far as everyone else knew, but only one remained unanswered between them: were their feelings true?
Certainly, it was not part of the questions they held, reviewing them they noticed how most of them talked about their everyday routine, which, in their case, was none. As mentioned, it seemed more like a shared apartment rather than a loving home for a couple soon to be married.
Even so, as they had agreed in most details of their supposed backstory, she believed it would be ideal for them to know things that made them seem as confident as a loving couple should.
“What was he like? To you…?” she dared to ask him.
Sakura wondered if getting to know this particular side of his past will reveal that truth.
Sasuke was also looking back at her, his heavy stare fixated on hers as he contemplated his options. Letting her know this, letting her unravel him at last to the remaining pieces of his past could not only make his resolutions falter, but also his increasing emotions about her turn stronger.
As he looked at her sincere, gleaming green eyes he realized he couldn’t choose a safer place to lay them.
Just when he was about to open up his mouth to let the pandora box loose, the familiar presence of an ANBU at their door made them turn to it.
They didn’t seem to expect to be called out by Kakashi later that evening. Luckily it was Sakura’s day off, or rather, she requested the day off as the morning with Sasuke took most of her time now that they had agreed to look into the scroll their mentor had provided.
She wanted to make use of the good mood they both had managed to get after a hectic early morning, so she had dispatched one of her summonses to let the hospital know of her absence.
It was not every day that she took some time for herself so she would take care of the incomplete assignments when she came back.
However, Kakashi seemed to shrug it off and instead calling about the reason of their calling.
“The council has decided to appeal to close testimonies to approve of the permission to reintegrate Sasuke to the village”.
Sasuke remained silent as Sakura blinked in surprise, not expecting a response so soon, and through Kakashi rather than the meeting they had mentioned they would have.
“What’s the meaning of this?”
“Close testimonies have been requested to state their stance regarding your…”as he paused, gesticulating from Sasuke to Sakura before continuing “…situation, in order to make a decision concerning your request of allowing him to be reintegrated”.
“I see but then… why the heads up?” Sakura eyed her mentor with curiosity, listening to him letting them know about the intents of the council to talk to other people about their agreement surely meant he had something in mind for them as well.
Kakashi explained then, his eyes zeroing on Sakura as he folded his hands in front of him and smiled.
“I hope you be nice to your future visitors at home”.
Sasuke scoffed but it was to be expected. Sakura remained silent; blinking flabbergasted as Kakashi continued to explain the new change.
After hearing Kakashi explain the details to this new arrangement, they heard a knock at the door and a familiar face peeked, searching to meet with Sakura’s eyes who blinked in surprise. Shizune hardly left her spot at the hospital to the Hokage tower, since it was her who made the paperwork to Kakashi.
“Excuse me, I was looking for Sakura, I was told I could find her here” Kakashi gave Shizune a short nod behind the requested medic, letting her now she could come in.
Shizune, all too familiar to the comings and goings in the Hokage’s office, seemed unaffected by the prior meeting they were holding, as she hurriedly approached Sakura while explaining:
“The results for the investigation arrived, you told me to call you out as soon as I got them” it was then Sakura noticed the folder the dark-haired woman carried and her emerald eyes shone with recognition.
Turning on her feet in the direction of Kakashi, she pleaded “May I be excused, Hokage-sama?”
Nodding, Kakashi complied “You may, I have something to discuss with Sasuke, anyways”.
At this, Sakura glanced briefly at Sasuke, who seemed to acknowledge her stare as he nodded.
“I’ll see you at home” was his reply, one she couldn’t help but respond with a gleaming smile before heading out with Shizune.