The road has always been my thinking spot. One where I can intake all of my thoughts and truly ponder them. Something about the curves ahead and what is in the rearview that soothe my soul.
As I sit here, you are with me. Wednesday is on my mind and a huge part of me is anxiously awaiting that day. The other part is telling me not to proceed with everything that is going on in my imagination. The more I try and silence that who, what, when, where and how, the louder it becomes. It then transcends into a battle between the two at which this point I am trying to weigh out the pros and cons.
The pros….I would finally get to see you. Seeing you would lead to something else. Something way greater. We would have our way with one another. I would get to see that smile that so desperately makes me weak. I would get to hear your voice. I would get to touch you. To kiss you. To hug you. To feel you. Oh how my body so desperately desires to feel you, to feel you inside of me. Just to see what it is like. The thought of being with someone else makes it hard to breathe. A huge part of me is timid, yet the other is bold and conspicuous.
The cons….I would forever be changed. Everything about me would change. I would no longer be pure, knowing only one. A moment of temporary pleasure would leave me with a lifetime of guilt. Guilt because the inner core of me would be tarnished. The inward would then be visable outwardly. I know my heart and I would not be able to contain my selfishness. I would not be able to go on acting like nothing when my whole world was shaken. My face would say it all and my demeanor would be a dead giveaway. I would think about you. I would long for you. For something that I would never have. You would have given me a beautiful moment of pleasure and in turn, an eternity of longing and void which would never be filled.
You see, my heart is not capable of such a thing. When I feel, I feel with everything that is in me. When I see, I see beyond what you portray. When you speak, I hear what isn’t spoken. When I love, I truly love hard. I’m the one that will sit with you in the darkness. I will drown so that you can breathe. I see the best in you even at your worst.
These last few weeks are a prime example and the sad part is that nothing has even occurred, yet mentally and emotionally you are here. I can’t fathom the thought of how I would be if I were to give you a part of myself that I could never get back. What would you do with it anyhow?
I would just be another page of your story and you would be multiple chapters in mine. Chapters that at this point, I don’t know how to even turn.
Directions…..detour……..speed…..destination….that is all a part of my road. No one can travel this road for me.
At the end of it all, I have to stick with every choice that I make. Will I regret letting you slip through my hands, when all I want to do is catch you and savor every moment? Probably. In fact, I am certain. But I also know that this is the right choice to make.
In all the small, grand and everything in between, I have prayed and wept for you. I have seen and heard things that I will keep secretly tucked away. I will think of you and smile a bittersweet smile. Bitter because I so desperately want you, yet sweet because I even had the pleasure of feeling like I know you.
