[WP] The entire planet has filed a class action lawsuit against the Devil, blaming him for all their wrongdoings. You are his lawyer.
Original post here.
Steve wasn't sure what it said about him that Lucifer, King of Hell, The Adversary, Betrayer of God, etc etc, had asked him to take his case. The day had started normal, with Steve taking the bus to the law firm. He read case notes on the way and while walking into his office. He had a bologna sandwich for lunch. He drank two coffees.
These were all normal ways to have a day. Steve looked down into his coffee cup doubtfully, as if expecting foul play. He looked back up at the handsome man who sat across from him, one leg crossed over the other. "Right," Steve sighed, "Mr. Morningstar, you said it was?"
Mr. Morningstar nodded, smiling in a way Steve found far too charming, "Yes, Lucifer Morningstar." He wondered exactly how evil you had to be for your voice to sound that sinful.
Steve tugged at one ear and then scratched the side of his nose. "Little on the nose, don't you think?"
Steve's client threw back his head laughing, then leaned forward onto Steve's desk, resting a cheek against his hand, looking a little bored, eyes half-lidded, "Mr. Harbinger, have you ever thought of your own name?"
"Not since I was a kid," Steve replied, pushing his glasses back up his nose. He looked down, over the notes he'd been given about the case. "But I'm not trying to pass myself off as the devil," he said casually.
He was only slightly relieved when Mr. Morningstar declined to respond. Steve could feel the man's eyes on him as he read, the papers sounding too loud whenever he turned the pages.
"So," Steve paused, finally looking up and then startling back at how close the client had gotten. He put a hand over his heart and let out a wheeze, "Are you trying to give me a heart attack?"
The client just shook his head and sat back in his chair. Steve cleared his throat, "It says here that every nation in the world is jointly suing you in the court of heaven."
Mr. Morningstar inclined his head, gesturing for Steve to continue. "That's impossible," Steve stated and stood up, staring down at the man, "If this isn't some kind of joke, then you very clearly need some professional help, Mr. Morningstar."
The client tilted his head and nodded, "That's why I'm here. You are a professional, aren't you?"
"If you can prove to me you're the devil, I'll represent you pro bono," Steve glared.
The man smiled that charming smile and leaned on Steve's desk again. As Steve began to protest, Mr. Morningstar swirled his hands and a dark cloud appeared there. The TV in the office turned on and flipped to the news, "You haven't watched the news, have you?"
Steve opened his mouth to ask about the swiftly dissipating dark cloud, but then just turned to watch a news anchor going over the same details Steve had read in the case. He looked between the client and the news a few times. "Oh my God," Steve muttered. Then, he did a reasonable thing anyone encountering proof of the supernatural could be expected to do: he fainted.
When Steve woke up, he groaned in pain, rubbing at a sore spot on the side of his head. He sat up with a start as he remembered what had happened before he fainted. He couldn't see anything beyond fuzzy blobs, so he scrambled around for his glasses. He found them on the side table and shoved them back on his face.
He wasn't sure where he was. It was a nice room that looked antique. He was in a bed, his shoes and jacket were next to the door. Steve was glad he saw a bathroom on the side of the room and ran over to vomit. He hadn't had an anxiety attack this bad since his first case.
He washed his face in the sink and splashed himself with cold water. "Oh my god," he murmured again to his reflection.
"I was going to tell you earlier, but it seems highly inappropriate to be representing me pro bono and taking the Lord's name in vain," drawled a voice behind him. Steve startled and turned to see Mr. Morningstar leaning against the bathroom's doorframe. "How's your head? You smacked it pretty hard on your desk," he made an explosion noise to emphasize.
"Fine, fine," Steve murmured, touching the side of his head and wincing. Maybe not fine, but it seemed the lesser of the evils in the room. "Where am I?"
Mr. Morningstar looked disappointed, "I was hoping you'd say, 'Where in the hell am I?' I had this great joke ready. Well, anyway, welcome to Hell."
Steve wondered if it'd be extremely bad for his health to faint again. Instead he walked past the literal Devil and sat heavily on the bed. "I've gone mad," he sounded slightly defeated and stared at his hands. "At least, I really hope I have. How do you honestly expect me to convince the world the purveyor of all evil isn't responsible for every wrong in the world?!" He looked up at Mr. Morningstar with a sudden surge of anger.
His client arched a delicate eyebrow in response, "I'm not the lawyer here." When Steve was about to start shouting, Mr. Morningstar sighed deeply. "Not guilty," he pointed at himself, "I tempt people, I don't make anybody do anything bad. They choose to. I am only one man-shaped being, Mr. Harbinger."
Glasses off, Steve pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep inhale. "Okay, okay. Well, they have a list of witnesses, both alive and dead, and you'll need counter-witnesses and..." Steve trailed off, thinking. Of course, if Mr. Morningstar had truly tempted them, he was still at least guilty of conspiracy. "How do you tempt people?"
There was that charming smile again. "You've seen it yourself. I thought you might need a little more convincing, maybe some personal investment," his smile turned into a smirk as Steve felt heat rising in his cheeks. "I also produce media that supports my agenda. Gives people bad ideas, that sort of thing. People give me a lot of credit, but I had one original thought. Humans are more creative than me. I know," Mr. Morningstar continued, "Humans think I would be too prideful to admit that, but all children are stubborn. We all have to grow up eventually." Steve thought he looked vaguely embarrassed.
Well, that wasn't exactly what he was expecting. If all his client did was look pretty, engage in consensual sexual relations, and use his freedom of speech then Steve felt like he had a good argument.
"Okay. I think we can win this, but you have got to do everything I say," Steve sighed and grabbed his suitcase by the door. It was going to be a long night and Mr. Morningstar was just going to make it feel longer if he kept eyeing Steve like that.