#studylune posts

[academicaimee]

current desk space. current mind space = please help me get through the next 3 weeks, I don’t know how I screwed up so badly for first year.

[academicaimee]

Hey Siri can you order 100 batches of serotonin for next day delivery? K thanks

[academicaimee]

Cute boy literally just read me the entire of chapter 1 of Harry Potter book 1 asmr style, complete with character voices.

[academicaimee]

list of things I’ve eaten today:

half a chocolate cake that H’s mum made for me (thank god for this blessed person)

4 choc chip brioche rolls

1 super noodles in chicken flavour

2 bananas

10 strawberries

planning to eat:

steak

the rest of the bag of spinach (probably half a bag)

honeydew melon

ice cream

my past paper exams for bio module that I’m trying not to cry over

I think I have a problem with med withdrawal and bleeding from my nether regions

[academicaimee]

very much struggling this morning. I’m trying not to crawl back into bed, but I’m trying to do the whole 6am, I got up and trying to be productive but I missed the first block for a study session, wondering whether I should go in for a maths revision session and just sleep because that’s what my body needs more but I need to be more disciplined with myself and get myself back into a structured day and gah.

[academicaimee]

Boop.

Things haven’t been good. It’s only today I’ve woken up (legit around midday) and realised I cannot function the way I want to on the meds I’m back on. I really cannot. I cannot wake up at 7-8am and make it into lectures where I’m actually able to focus on what my lecturer is saying instead of falling asleep and ending up with a pretty bad bruise on my forehead. And now P knows my mental health is an absolute mess. So I need to tell my GP this. I’m really trying to be productive and working. I just can’t focus right now. I have a million and one things I need to be doing other than writing this post but I’m hoping this kind of gets me in the mind set to start doing something. I don’t know why I can’t concentrate. I don’t know why I’m struggling to read the god damn computer screen. I’m absolutely exhausted, despite doing nothing this week.

I’m also realising I should not be in a relationship right now. It’s not because the person I’m currently with is wrong, it’s just... given the huge mess that I currently am, on top of everything else that I’m trying to manage, I’m being stupid. And I don’t think that’s fair on the other person. That and you also need to figure out the state that W left you in thanks to PTSD and god knows what else. Just... I’m trying to stop myself going on that downward spiral. But I don’t know if I’m too far on it to actually stop? 

I just desperately want to get back to the state of functioning, of waking up without wanting to turn back over into the pillow and cry. I want to be able to do all of these things I signed myself up for. I didn’t sign myself up for mental illness. I can’t keep putting things off until tomorrow, because I’m running out of tomorrows at this rate. I can acknowledge the barriers that I face. I can understand why they happen. But making steps to stop them happening doesn’t happen over night and it frustrates me I end up back in this same situation every damn year.

I don’t know how to improve from this current state of being I’m currently sitting in.

[academicaimee]

people need to stop dying. this would be really cool. i know everyone dies, but urgh. why. (I’m not stupid, I know the answer, she was 98) looks like I’m going home early to help with a funeral. 

[academicaimee]

25 August 2017 - My desk is not always about study. My desk is a place for me to be productive and to mind map where I want to go with things. It’s also a place where I eat breakfast so I can plan my day too.