Third Session Part 2 (aka the things I forgot to include).
June 6, 2017
Meh....(this is starting to feel like a broken record/feels somewhat redundant and I’ve started to notice/become hella conscious of the fact: of how much i use the word “I” in these therapy-blogs....feeling hella self-conscious that ppl will start to think I’m hella obnoxiously: selfish, egotistical or something). >_>; .....But Anyways......
Ah yes, I remember now, well I remember telling my therapist how I tend to Separate my thoughts from how I’m feeling.....in other words when I’m feeling an emotion that I find to be too intense/overwhelming at the moment and don’t wanna deal with, I tend to avoid, bury and not think about what I’m feeling and vice versa, and just feel cold/numb.....I told my therapist that it was my coping mechanism so to speak......My therapist says that, that is really unhealthy, and that we’ll start to find another, healthier way for me to cope that isn’t me burying/repressing my emotions like that. <---- Dunno Why I felt I needed to write this down, but I do feel like it could be important for later on.
We Also talked about If I ever got the chance to say goodbye to my old Mentor/Friend, Obi-Wan and that he was the first loss/death (of someone i knew personally) that I ever experienced.....I told her (My Therapist), that I wasn’t like at his deathbed or anything when he passed away, but that I did say goodbye to him in 2010 in person, when I was 18, during my Graduation of AHS High......The last words he said to me before giving me a bear-hug, was that He was Proud of me, and that “I was gonna be fine”.......You know it’s funny, (and I haven’t even told my therapist this yet, I’ll have to remember to tell her later on) but that was the first time anyone (from well a parental-figure at least) has ever really said that they were “Proud of me”.....And I remember at age 18, feeling so damn overwhelmed (it was heartwarming really) ......and it’s not that I’m blaming my parents or anything like that......it’s just that in our family we tend to not really express a lot of our emotions, ‘Tis not really in our nature.....hell I get like hella uncomfortable/awkward whenever I cry in front of somebody, let alone seeing others cry in front of me.......But anyways, that’s beside the point, The Last words Obi-Wan said to me, face to face, was that “I was going to be fine”, and then I said good-bye, but He told me that this wasn’t good-bye, and he made me promise to come back and visit him at my old alma-mater AHS High, and I promised him I would............And dammit, I was 19 in 2011 (you see, it was during 2011, the day I created this tumblr blog and a year shortly after I graduated/and I was attending Community College) I tried, I really did try to stop by and visit, but he was out that day, off work, for a Chemotherapy treatment.....I heard the news via facebook, that he died a few months, shortly afterwards.....I promised to visit him, and even though I tried, a part of me still feels like I low-key sort of failed him in keeping that promise. *sigh*
I also told my Therapist that I don’t like feeling forced/obligated in doing things.....the more I’m forced/feel obligated/ coerced to do something, the more I internally rebel (example going to church when I was a youngling, aka when I was more an atheist/agnostic and against the idea of being immensely religiously Catholic like the rest of my family/extended family, this includes my Aunt C)....Things have changed, and even though I pride myself, and prefer to being tolerant, liberal-minded, open-minded, I’ve come to terms with trying to have an open-mind, and thereby get close to God (cause Obi-wan was quite a spiritual/ religious guy and In someway I sorta wanna feel connected to him) and in being semi-religious/agnostic and trying to get in touch in having/attempting to have faith again (spiritually at least......after all I’m absolutely fascinated and love learning about lore, myths, other cultures and their mythologies/religions, and spiritual beliefs) and so far..... I feel a sense of peace, soooo so far so good?......But .Yeah trust me I know I’m stubborn......But yeah, If I’m gonna do something it’s going to be on my terms, because I wanted to.
I also told my Therapist that there were moments , in the past, where I felt really exhausted always feeling like I need to be perfect (the perfect student, the teacher’s pet, living up to the expectations that my parents, teachers and even old high-school friends had of me, not to mention my own personal high expectations that I held against myself)....My Therapist says I need to figure out who I want be and what I want do with my life, but that it’s important that it’s via “on my own terms”. ....I Told her that might be sorta difficult because I have a really hard time with being/or feeling uncertain or dealing with changes in life....but that I can, at the very least acknowledge and recognize that, that is always gonna be a part of, and how life just is.
I also told her that I have had, and probably still have a hard time when it comes to emotionally reaching out to family, friends, people.....because it makes me feel “trapped/obligated” into the commitment of emotionally putting myself out there and emotionally investing myself into a relationship.....and I told her that I try to fight against this anxious feeling in spite of it telling me otherwise (probably has something to do with my trust issues), and that I’m also not sure if this becuase I’m an introvert (because I do feel exhausted when dealing with a huge group of people, socializing....unless I really trust and really know them, and even then it still takes a lot of my energy...tend to prefer quieter moments to myself or with a few seldom people in order to recharge.
My therapist also told me something that rings quite true to me (cause my old Mentor Obi-Wan used to say the same thing); “To control what you can control, Don’t try to control what you can’t”......In other words: Try to choose and be in control of how I choose to respond/react to things/situations that give me anxiety and the like, rather than allowing that anxious feeling to overtake and control how I react/feel. Gonna try really hard to keep that in mind.
We talked a bit about how my old high-school friends really meant the world to me (that they were a really bright light in my life), and that includes Obi-Wan’s Wife, let’s call her: Lady Obi-Wan, who has such a gentle and kind soul, and whom is someone I really trust, and that is someone (that is if I ever get better or feel ready in the future to face her and a slew other of old faces) that I sort of still to want to reconnect with, but we’ll see...I did tell me therapist that i feel ashamed/guilty that i turned my back on them/cut them out of my life......but that I dunno if I’m truly blaming myself for my actions or If I should be blaming my depression for causing me to make that choice......It wasn’t something I’m proud of me.....my old-high school friends deserved better than that, but at the same time I can’t help but feel like we (most of us) were sort of already drifting apart there in the end, after all they all went and gone to college, made their own lives, and we all parted ways.......I told my therapist lke I sometimes feel like I’m sorta stuck in the past.......and that I would find it easier, and would love nothing more than to just let go of the past and start/begin anew.....And even though on some level that’s already what I’m doing now via going to therapy, making friends here on tumblr, I may still want to face old faces of my past and at the very least explain and owe them an apology, and maybe, just maybe pluck up the courage to reconnect with a few old friends (at the very least Lady Obi-Wan and a few others). But we’ll see....dunno if I even ready to face that slew of confrontations. *sigh* ......Welp, If anything, I’ve learned a great deal from these past experiences, and I’ve personally vowed to at least try harder in trying to not distant myself, and to cherish and keep my current tumblr-friendships, here on tumblr, and any future friendships I make in the future (after all if there’s anything I value high above anything else it’s: friendship, camaraderie and loyalty), and I also vowed to never repeat the same mistakes (regardless of my anxiety/depression/issues telling me, to flee, or otherwise), lest I tarnish my word and may never be willing to forgive myself for betraying another set of friends.
*Side-Note*: One thing I haven’t told my therapist yet, is that whenever my social anxiety/anxiety acts up (or when I’m having a hard time in expressing myself, especially verbally), it causes me to appear (in real-life): Snobbish, stand-offish, cold, or worse annoyingly pushy, and high-strung, .........and these are things/aspects of myself that I sometimes still have/behave as, but were waaaaaay more prevalent when I was a dumb-teenager, that tbh, I have never really liked and low-key hate about myself....And it is something that I’m consciously trying to work on and am trying to not appear or behave/act like that.
I’ve told my Therapist that I’m writing down my experiences in therapy here on this Tumblr blog, and that I have a few online (tumblr friends)....She says that that is a good idea (in order to help keep track of my progress) and she sorta jotted down the name of the site: tumblr.....and I’m not gonna lie, but I sorta got low-ley nervous/paranoid about that.....but ah well. lol ^^;
*Things to Keep in Mind* She told me to keep going with my breathing exercises (there were a few days I’ve sorta forgot this past week, mostly cause of Jay’s Graduation/Me trying to find her the perfect gift...But I’ma try to stick with it regardless)....Oh, right and to try to write/jot down what situation I think is causing me to feel anxious/depressed/melancholy during the that moment.
*sigh* Why do these always feel like it takes ages for me articulate, forge and to write.....probably cause I tend to overfocus/be hella meticulous about even the tiniest of details.....(need to learn how to chill and pace myself). meh xP
Anyways, I swear If I forgot anything else, which knowing me I probably did, I’ll try to remember to include it in the next therapy-session blog....My next session isn’t till June 19, so in the meantime, I’ll continue my “Letters to No One” Side Therapy- blogs, aka the blogs where I anonymously write letters to my old high school friends, mentors, or people I knew from the past but not actually send them (in order to vent, reminisce, letting go of the past, look back on fondly, decipher and figure out situations and myself from the past, etc).
Links of my personal journey of going through therapy, & other personal things:
Therapy Blogs (My Main Journey of going through Therapy).
Letters to No One (Therapy Side-Blogs).
Tumblr Surveys (Personal stuff If You want to get know more about me).
Extra Links (If I’m not on Tumblr, I’m usually on here, so add me if you wish):
My Twitter
My Anime Page List
Anyways, thanks for listening my dears! (^-^)b
And thank you two: @angelotics and @theamazingflyinglion , for the moral support thus far, as well as for our lovely little chats, you guys have no idea how much they really help and mean to me *hugs you both* :)
- Lady Nevermore