Feeling Forgotten
Its almost ten years since the last time I saw you.
But I still remember that gut wrenching goodbye like it was yesterday.
It was that wide grin spread from ear to ear across your beautiful face.
It was the summer breeze that wrapped its arms around us while we kissed the very last time.
You were happy. You’d made it. You were finally picking up and running away to Cali. Fulfilling your dream to travel. All I had left of you was a hat, some old pictures, a faint scent of your cologne from the last night you’d ever lay with me, and the memories of this past summer.
You packed up a bunch of your crap, loaded it into your shitty car, with no more then a computer, a tank full of gas, 90 dollars and two scoops of sunshine in your pocket. You were full of dreams, wishful thinking, naivety, and a completely irrational sense of optimism.
I’d never be so selfish to ask you to stay here with me. On that day that you left, I told you I loved you.
This, you already knew, even though I’d never said it out loud. You knew just by the way I looked at you, with tears in my eyes; those tears alone asked you; “Please, don't go. I love you too much, I don't know how to let you go.”
From the moment those three words left my lips, I knew that it was over. It left that bitter yet familiar taste in my mouth. I knew this was goodbye, and I knew I’d give anything to go back; and never let you end that hug I clenched onto every last second I could before you drove away.
That day, my dearest friend held me tighter then she ever did. She let me cry tears that soaked into her blouse all over her chest, but she just held me tighter.
She grabbed my face as I balled hysterically and tried so hard to not fall to my knees.
She said “Don't worry ‘babylove’, everything's going to be okay. He’s going to come back for you.” Little did she know, this was the first time my best friend had ever lied to me. She was wrong. How I wish she wasn't so wrong. I wasn’t that stupid, I knew we were never meant to be.
From the moment I first met you, I knew I’d love you for the rest of my life. I was 15. On the day you left, I was 23, with still so much more life ahead of me, and its still true. I will love you endlessly, knowing, we were always doomed to always wondering what we could have been. That will never change for me.
You probably won’t even remember my name.
Even so, I’d give anything to go back to the days when we were so hopelessly in love. For one more night to share our bar stool. For one more drive in your freezing cold car, while you’d awkwardly warm my hands with yours.
One more road trip.
Just one more day...
Just one more day to spread ourselves out on the lawn at our old house. Just you, me, a pack of smokes, and nothing else.
I will never stop missing you.
Please, just... remember my name.
// Cordelia Blackbird