I have thought about how and what I would write this text for a very long time now (months, honestly), and yet I’m now sitting here staring at my keyboard without having any idea how to even begin.
Now, this is a longer version of a previous, more straight forward post, which you probably got here from. If not, well, this is basically a letter(?) of what has been going on in my life ever since 2022, when I vanished from this website. I didn’t get into specific details because that would make this post unnecessarily long, and also there’s very personal information in all of it. You understand.
I’m sorry if my paragraphs don’t make much sense. I was stuck in the beginning, but then as I started writing, all just came to me and I just kept writing without paying attention to coherence.
2022 wasn’t easy. Good things happened, but I was down, and I only realized, or, better yet, accepted how down I was by the end of 2023. It’s been a long journey – longer mentally than it’s been in actual time. To me, it felt like 2023 was, at the very least, two years long. 2022 seems to have happened such a long time ago, and also seemed to last for longer than 12 months.
I started my post grad by the very end of 2022, in the area that I’ve always dreamed of working, and while I am very happy with it and I like the things I’ve studied so far, it has come with a lot of issues. Not only the regular struggles of a student, but also issues with the institute. Me and my classmates have been dealing with a lot of problems with the school we’re in for several months now, and this has been draining a lot of my energy and leaving me with quite a bad humor (there might even be a lawsuit – yes, it’s that bad).
Now, the regular stress of being in a university, along with unnecessary problems AND figuring out things about myself has left me in a state of constant tiredness. Around August of last year, I began to feel exhausted. And by October-November, I was so overtaken by exhaustion that I just accepted any fate that came my way, no matter how bad it was. I was sure that I was gonna fail my last three classes of the year. How I didn’t, I honestly do not know.
I stopped doing the things that I like. I barely watched any movies or series. I didn’t read for fun. I don’t know when was the last time I drew something. I only wrote academic texts. I gave up on any ideas I had before I even started them. I closed myself to the world and lost contact to many people I know, dear friends even. I haven’t been passionate about anything in over a year and I miss that. I miss that so much.
Also, by the end of 2022, I had a health issue that led to a drastic body change, and of course everyone just had to make all kinds of comments on how I looked and compare me to how I used to look – and even make some jokes about it. It happened absurdly fast, and I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I stopped doing my makeup (a therapy to me), and I avoided taking photos at all costs (and hated and deleted the ones I did take).
Last but no least, I spent more than half the year broke. Paycheck to paycheck. I only got to breath again this very month. It was actually surprising how something that required a great amount of money happened every month, I could barely save a single buck. That alone is enough to mess up with your head and increase stress to off-world levels.
Although a lot of stuff that happened have a root in 2022, this was all in 2023. 2022 was a case apart, and I might make a post talking about it, but, honestly? It’ll more like a vent, a dump on everything that happened, than anything else. I don’t want, much less expect, to make people feel sad about my life or any other dramatic act like that.
Now, as I said, good things happened in 2023 as well, and I’m not going to focus on the bad ones only. So here’s a list of good (and great) things/things that made me happy last year (in no specific, much less chronological order):
I was finally studying what I wanted to;
I began taking Italian classes, met very nice people, and became friends with the teacher, an amazing person;
I got my first job!!! (as an English teacher/tutor)
I had the chance to see one of my all-time favorite bands live;
To see that band, I traveled to a city I’d been to 10 years prior and always dreamed of going back.
It was in the neighboring country, so international traveling I guess(?) (you might be thinking “But Ana, how were you able to do that if you had money problems?” Well, I had saved money for this event alone and never touched it, and my money problems started after I came back home);
I joined a group of fans so I wasn’t alone at the concert and made friends with many people there;
Had a weird fling with one of them actually (weird not as in bad, but as in complicated. Story for some time else);
Lowered the posology of my medicines three times!!!;
Went to my first ever stand-up comedy show and it was pretty fun. Went to others after that;
Left my job – it was stressing me out with, again, unnecessary, easy to solve problems. Leaving was the best decision to make for the sake of my already weakened mental health;
Became a private teacher;
Went to a concert of an artist I grew up listening to and admiring (also the ticket was a gift!);
Didn’t flunk any classes.
That’s all I can think of so far. I might add more to this post as I remember things or as some of you ask me about.
Also, I’ll start writing my final article very soon, and that’s gonna be a whole new rollercoaster. But that’s something for future Ana to worry about. No point crying over not-yet-spilled milk.
