#stutan

[lostcatstudio]

Sometimes when my belly flutters, I imagine that it is a baby kicking me for the first time and perhaps that is how it would really feel. Then I get a bit somber because I'm not sure I will ever experience this for myself.

[lostcatstudio]

[lostcatstudio]

Yesterday a man approached me as I was waiting for my large group of friends to gather for a dinner at a restaurant.

He asked if he could sit down next to me in the hostess area and I accepted. He sat down told me his name, shook my hand and looked me directly in the eyes and blurted out that he had cancer and was going to die soon. He was drinking and I could tell he was a bit intoxicated.

His eyes welled up with tears and he apologized for interrupting my evening but claimed that he was alone and just really needed someone to listen to him for awhile. Honestly, I was at a loss. I didn't know what to say or do. I was in a pretty public place tho and felt safe so I listened.

He went on to tell me some more about his life. That he was 52, he was once a roadie for Ozzy Osbourne that later on lead to him working with Soundgarden and that he has a daughter that looks similar to me.

He then asked about my life, and again, I wasn't really sure what to say, my life isn't all that exciting. I work as a graphic designer for educational testing. I own my house and live there with my cat and dog. I'm single, but I'm happy. And that I just live day to day trying to grow and to do things that keep me happy.

He asked why I was single and I simply told him my last relationship didn't end well and that I'm just doing my own thing right now.

Before he left he gave me advice for when I do go looking for a partner. I need to make sure they are attractive and that they see me, appreciate me, value me, and continue to do so on a regular basis. He also said that I should take a close look at their family relationships. He said that I need to make sure he is healthy physically and mentally and that his family is as well. He then wished me luck. He put his hand on my cheek and told me that I was so beautiful and that I deserve so much.

I gave him a hug and also wished him the best possible outcome for his situation.

I am aware he was drunk and that I owed this stranger nothing, but I can't stop thinking of him. I feel so bad for him to be all alone going through this.

I feel like I should have said something. Something comforting. I just listened. I hope that helped, at least a little.

[lostcatstudio]

Trying to remember what summer feels like during this Polar Vortex!

[lostcatstudio]

There are always...

questions I want answers to,

stories in your life I would like to hear,

moments in time where I’m curious to know your thoughts.

But whenever I find the rare moment to ask you about them. I freeze, my mind forgets all of those previous desires.

My body is so attracted to you I forget all reason.

All my mind is thinking about are the times where my lips were kissing your lips and how that felt like home.

[lostcatstudio]

A blessing to let go of the things holding you back.

May you have the strength to burn bridges

May you have the intellect to know which ones to burn

And may the bridges you burn light your way to a better future

[lostcatstudio]

Text message to B

So I’m not great at sharing my feelings most of the time, especially when I’m not entirely sure where I stand with someone.

You have always been kind of a ball of wonderful confusion to me and I tend to try to just appreciate the time I get from you when it comes.

I will say tho that I also cherish the moments we have made together. I am not just mimicking your words either. I have a journal entry where I literally wrote a snippet stating this after the hotel visit. I enjoy your mind, for its random quirky nature and overall smarts. I love the way you are with the people you care about. (From what I have seen your relationships run deep. Probably why you are asked to be in so many weddings!) You have a great drive for your life goals and I have always found you to be very alluring. Which was one of the reasons I was so awkward around you in the beginning. The other is I’m just an awkward person when I’m nervous.

You might not realize it but you have made an impact on me. Honestly, I have never been able to be as confident about my body or what it does until I was with you. I vividly remember you telling me I was beautiful in the tent at chickentown and it felt so genuine. So thank you for that.

Please know I tell you these things without any expectations. I hope this doesn’t make you feel awkward or obligated in anyway. Those are some reasons why I have held back from saying such things to you in the past. But I am trying to be more open and I realize I haven’t been very audible with these thoughts. I just want you to know I appreciate you as a whole.

Oh and that you give the best hugs! A trait to surely be admired. ;)

[lostcatstudio]

A list of things I’m currently craving

The taste of your lips

The feeling of your hair between my fingers

Your hands stroking various parts of my body

Observing how your beautiful warm honey brown eyes can become so piercing in such a glorious way.

The way my body feels when our legs are tangled up in one another’s.

Listening to your heart beat as my head is on your chest.

The forehead kisses that you give so freely.

Midnight chats releasing the random inner workings of our minds.

The way you hold me.