#subplot: deus

[infernalkrp]

HERE YOU LEARN KNOWLEDGE BEGINS WITH FEAR.

STUDENT FILE. KANG, Iseul.

PERSONAL. Kang Iseul, born on 22/11/1999 ( age 18 ) in Busan, South Korea. Currently receiving no scholarship.

ACADEMIC. Third year. Registered in the Science Department, coursing biochemistry and human anatomy. Currently ranking in Alpha Tier, assigned to dorm room AF-03.

SOCIAL. Participates in the Science Club, as member, and the Red Football Team, as member. Associated with the Project Deus, as member.

RESTRICTED ACCESS.

CAUTION: mentions of mental disorders and blood

HISTORY.

busan born and raised. at the mere age of 26, her father was well on his way of becoming a successful scientist. her mother, 24 years of age at that time, had a future that was far less promising. she was a writer, never found without her notebook, but had yet to sell her first piece. the pregnancy was unplanned, yet not unwanted. her father made enough money to support the three of them, and her mother could take care of her at home. for a while, they were happy.

few years pass, and her father has made quite the name for himself. he becomes very well respected in the field of human anatomy. he starts to earn more money, and then more and more, and becomes so involved in his work that he seems to forget all about his family.

her mother, on the other hand, starts to slip away into a place much darker. she had been diagnosed with depression before, as well as some vague signs of schizophrenia that had been easily ignored in the past. they become more obvious as time passes, and with the lack of care from her husband and the constant attention she has to give to her daughter, it was bound to go wrong. she breaks.

the stories she used to tell to iseul before bedtime lose their spark. they become stories filled with horror and suffering. stories one would tell around a campfire to keep you up at night. they have the same effect on iseul. she barely closes her eyes at night, yet her mother remains the one person she holds dear.

her mother starts to lose touch with reality. can’t distinguish what is real from what is not. everything is just in her head, but not to her. not to the voices that tell her that her husband is evil. that her daughter is no better than him. the voices that tell her to hurt them. to run away. and she does run away. multiple times, but she always comes back. her father covers up her existence. to the outside world, she is good as dead.

iseul inherits her father’s talent and interest for anything science. her mothers outbursts don’t bother her much, her father’s absence doesn’t either. frankly, she seems to be rather numb. always studying books, or out and about to inspect animals. dead animals. cuts them open and studies their anatomy in hidden places, then writes about all her discoveries.

not all her hidden places are as hidden as they seem. classmates have found her before and labeled her a freak and murderer. surely, she would never hurt a live animal, but she doesn’t fight the insults and rumours either. she simply does not care what they say about her–or if she does, she is very good at hiding it.

there were many more rumours about her at her previous schools and in her neighbourhood. some went as far as to say she would make blood sacrifices to the devil or that she had already sold her soul to him. iseul finds it to be rather funny.

she hates when people touch her without permission. it wouldn’t be the first time she seriously injured someone who wouldn’t stop bugging her or touching her. in fact, she broke the wrist of the first (and last) guy that ever confessed to liking her. it is not so much fear as the fact that she just really dislikes people touching her.

she was sent to amji by her father when both her parents did not seem able to provide her with the care she needed. he, too, had heard about the rumours about his daughter and did not want to harm his reputation any further than had already been done. amji could guide her to put her scientific talents to better use and rid her of her mother’s bad influence (or so her father thinks). it’s a win-win to him.

amji is good to her. she is finally able to study fully not only the anatomy of animals, but human anatomy too. she doesn’t really care about her classmates, or teachers, or anything else, still. she has never really been close to anyone and does not have any desire to be so in the near future either. humans are far more useful when dead.

she doesn’t really see the line between good and bad when it comes to science. science is just that. science. and whatever the outcome of an experiment, whether morally right or not, it is a gift to the world.

LIMITATIONS.

It is not because she finds her mother standing next to her bed in the middle of the night that she is afraid, nor is it the blood stains she notices on the white of her clothes. Any child would have been screaming or crying at just the sight of it, but not Iseul. What she does is highly unusual for a kid her age, or anyone in general (and frankly, that should be cause enough for concern). Calmly, she sits up in her bed, eyes raising to meet those of her mother.

‘Whose blood is that?’ It is the first question that echoes into the room, but is just as quickly followed by another, ‘did you hurt yourself?’

Despite the various violent outbursts her mother has had before, Iseul knows she means no harm. She is smart–oftentimes too much so. At times like this, she knows her mother is long gone. She is smart enough to know that there is a chance that she might get hurt, but that is not what scares her.

No, what scares her is what comes next.

Her father comes storming in and far too roughly grabs hold of the woman. As expected, the blood had been his. How, or why, or what–it doesn’t matter. It’s when she finds his eyes that her heartbeat rises. This might not be the first time his mother has struck out, but it is the first time she doesn’t recognise the look in her father’s eyes either. It scares her. ‘Don’t hurt her, it’s not her!’ This time, her flat voice finally raises, and it catches his attention for a moment. Iseul notices, and uses it to her advantage. ‘Please.’ Begging, too, is very unlike her.

The silence in the room is one that still gives her the chills. Her mother is as unresponsive as Iseul had been just moments ago–her father’s tight hold does not seem to get through to her, let alone bother her. It is at that moment that Iseul realises there is no saving her mother anymore. Not even her own husband seems to be willing to try; he finally lets go, and storms off right after. No words are spoken, but she knows that her mother is far too gone to come back to her. And that, even to a kid like Iseul, is something very hard to comprehend.

ASPIRATIONS.

No conscience. No morals. Careless, but remarkably perceptive. She might not care much for the rumors whispered whenever she passes her classmates, but that does not mean that she does not enjoy a little fun of her own. Sometimes. Especially when this one girl in particular does not ever seem to shut the hell up. She spits out false news like she owns the world, and everyone else just falls at her feet. Naturally, she is one of the most popular girls at the school, and Iseul just cannot seem to understand why.

Is it jealousy? Not so much as the simple wish for Iseul to get under this girl’s skin for once. Just this one time, she wishes for her to feel terrified just the same way in which she has made others around her feel terrified.

Well… not exactly the same way.

See, this is where Iseul and her classmate are different. Their brains do not at all function in the same way (or, as Iseul would like to say, hers simply does not seem to function at all). It comes as no surprise that her little gift is far from being appreciated. High-pitched screams can be heard all the way through the school building. They light up Iseul’s face in the slightest; it is almost creepy to see the constant cold look in her eyes fade away for just a minute.

Of course, there is only one person in the school that would go as far as to leave the heart of a rat in someone’s locker. She knows it; the school knows it; even her father knows it. Her action goes not without consequences at home, but the school has no proof and her father knows how to make them go mute.

Nobody ever mentions it again, but Iseul will never forget the satisfaction that fluttered inside of her.

BEHAVIOR.

Whether or not her acceptance to Amji has been positive is uncertain. She appears to be a model student. Studies when she has to, never gets into trouble and always manages to keep her grades up high. On the exterior, she seems without flaw. Take a closer look, and anyone would realise there is no bigger mistake.

Within Amji, within Project Deus, she is allowed far too much freedom for someone with this big a lack of morals. Experimenting has never been so much fun to her, and it shows in the way her expression has changed. It is not unlikely for her to be found smiling to herself; but it only fuels to the rumours that have followed her all the way to Amji. Some even say that she is not quite human anymore, but one of the ghosts that has roamed around the building for years. Some mention that when one would go around the campus at night, they can find her in the labs, experimenting on her fellow classmates. That last one quite amuses her, and it would not be beyond her to go ahead and try to do so in the future–but for now, it is complete and utter nonsense.

She is a model student only because she has what she always wanted, and because she loves to soak herself up in it. What would happen if that were to be taken away from her is something worth pondering about; but perhaps it is best not to dig that deep.

If she is anything like her mother, things are bound to get much, much darker.

[infernalkrp]

HERE YOU LEARN KNOWLEDGE BEGINS WITH FEAR.

STUDENT FILE. LEE, Minsik.

PERSONAL. Lee Minsik, born on 05/14/1999 ( age 19 ) in Geoje, South Korea. Currently receiving full scholarship.

ACADEMIC. Third year. Registered in the Science Department, coursing biochemistry and human anatomy. Currently ranking in Alpha Tier, assigned to dorm room AM-04.

SOCIAL. Participates in the Science Club, as member, and the Red Football Team, as member. Associated with the Project Deus, as member.

RESTRICTED ACCESS.

HISTORY.

born in washington dc, to a highly prolific neurosurgeon and a retired, tetraplegic astronaut. moved to geoje at age 17 to live with his grandparents who have him enrolled at amji.

his father becomes dependent on caretakers, which has his mother file for divorce and remarry in the same year.

his paternal grandfather became a very successful real estate mogul in the late 80s, during which he either sold or repurposed family owned property land as rentals. his grandmother has roots in north jeolla, and married young, coming from an established family of academics and politicians. they’ve tried to instil a sense of filial piety into him, by having him humbled through ridiculous academical demands. friendships were never meant to become a source of comfort, but rather means to end. networking became a skill made important early on.

has a long history of being a cutthroat overachiever who places academic achievements above interpersonal relationships. this is due to parental pressure, and an apathetic and clinical upbringing. he’s never learned how to understand and connect with others because no one has ever bothered to connect with him.

barely interacts with his parents, since he arrived at amji. this is deliberate on his mother’s part.

LIMITATIONS.

There’s a recurring theme to his nightmares. It starts off tame enough. Long winded corridors, the usual, general lack of light, the occasional flash of teeth. It never goes anywhere. Just the same stretch of busted carpet he’s come to associate with his childhood.

It’s scarier when it’s brightly lit. He can see through the large, open glass pane into the living room. The carpet looks new, and whenever he manages to startle himself awake, heaving into his bed sheets, he can almost smell the cleaning agent off it. His mother’s always sitting primly in her love chair. Hair neat behind her ears, so he can see her delicate earrings. And then the walls start to drool. Fat, wet chunks of wallpaper adhesive in nauseous yellow. The usual headache kicks in. And then she hurls for his throat.

Sometimes her nails are a pretty baby pink around his neck. Sometimes they are blue. Whenever he gets a call from his stepfather, in his dreams, her nails turn green. They have somehow become his very own cosmical oracle. Like a shitty mood ring, but less gimmick-y.

She’d been a prodigy. Quick fingers, agile, resilient; and a calm demeanor highly regarded. Her diplomata took up most of their living room. Nothing of her had carried over to Kyungsoo. Just physical aspects, he thinks she probably dissected enough times to reassure herself he really came out of her.

The awards, the photographs, the long white coat but there’s something missing.

It’s not the never ending suffocation that really scares him. Death, he’d always considered alien. There are stages to asphyxiation. The first couple of seconds are without consequence. After up to a minute, acute dyspnea sets in. Then convulsions, loss of consciousness, coma and ultimately clinical death. He’d tried to visualize it. But it’s never about a state of being. It’s always the moment of clarity when he’s awake staring into the darkness of his room, unsure whenever he’s alone. A few times, he’s sworn he’d picked up the vague scent of nail polish remover in the mess of his pillows. He’s unsure of when it started, exactly. Just that he felt the desperate need to hold onto the belief that there was something out there set on saving him. That’s why he studied his horoscope religiously and occasionally phoned spirit mediums on late night TV, asking for guidance. He also consulted a shaman priest once, but felt empty after the seance and developed a profound fear against drums.

ASPIRATIONS.

It started contrary: an ordinary family, an ordinary childhood, and an ordinary upbringing. Throughout his childhood, he’s unable to shake the feeling that they are paid actors, that he’s a different kind of animal altogether. The family photo albums a carefully constructed narrative, the family dinners at his grandparents’ clumsy rehearsal, his mother’s affection a shallow performance, unspooled. He’s different, special somehow. A strange sense of self manifests itself in an arrogant streak he’s unable to tone down. He doesn’t know how to form meaningful interpersonal relationships because he’s convinced that it’s just all fluff stuffed inside of suits made of skin, mimicking human behavior.

Success is a rough estimate of how relative numbers are to social accessibility.

His father would say it’s an aversion, the way a child pulls away from their mother, his tame way of loving his mother. It translated well onto paper.

It’s stupid. He’d never wanted anything more.

His grandmother sends him to a therapist. He’s supposed to talk. Drawl. Rinse, repeat. There’s something calming about taking the back seat in conversations. Long intervals between words, a coherent selectivity. Passively. Pulling sentences taunt like fisted hair. Lead of awkward burrows. Self-help starters. It’s the only way he knows how to rotate between topics. Successive events that aren’t really all that descriptive anymore. Or of economic importance. And semantics are important. He doesn’t think he’d have survived a modicum of pseudo-personal “misfortunes” if he hadn’t stressed over manuals.

It’s always been, more of less, about coming home. Being hugged. Someone patting his hair down after a long night.

It’s better to repress.

BEHAVIOR.

He’d always considered the conceptual idea of space in passing. An abstract image, if anything. People he knew well, whose opinion he respected, considered it their livelihood, an opportunity. A choice. But his daily five hours of sleep were unsettling enough. His body would inevitably fold and dry if left alone for so long, inside a one hundred and forty kilo heavy suit, wrapping around him like a claustrophobic casket. Arteries shriveled, and lungs weak not knowing how to pump, trying to catch up with stale oxygen pumping through the cold grills of the air tanks. Muscles seized up through disuse. Face shrunken, reduced to a vague visual. His father didn’t mind the idea as much. And he knew his father to be resilient from experience. All his childhood he refused to bend, a skewed version of outwardly, confucian masculinity. Like reflex, the body unaccustomed to the backdrop of gender construction. He’d never been significantly close to his mother. Both his parents had always been very preoccupied with themselves and very little with him. Sometimes he thinks he sees something in the way his father articulates with his numb throat, coughing up words in between the grainy filter of his laptop screen. Their skype calls never exceed an hour.

It’s weird, sometimes. Thinking about his life removed of Amji. Or Hwang. He’s at the bottom of Amji’s social food chain for a sobering amount of time. He contends with an inability to communicate. So while school is never exactly challenging, most of his classmates are irritatingly competitive. He learns to maintain a polite distance. It’s only after he wins a national science award for something he barely remembers submitting, that his school life establishes itself a pace.

He joins Hwang’s petshop of horrors. Sometimes, he swears he can feel the rancid breath of death fawning over his nape. He thinks about the cusp of space, the immense weight of minus two hundred and twenty celsius beating his body dormant. The way two hundred light years away no one knows him as the son of a drooling mess of ruined nerves, or as someone with unassuming presence. A schoolyard reject preceded by his family’s shortcomings. There’ll be no trace of Lee Minsik. Or of Amji.

[infernalkrp]

HERE YOU LEARN KNOWLEDGE BEGINS WITH FEAR.

STUDENT FILE. SEO, Junsoo.

PERSONAL. Seo Junsoo, born on 09/02/2001 ( age 17 ) in Pohang, South Korea. Currently receiving no scholarship.

ACADEMIC. Second year. Registered in the Science Department, coursing biochemistry and human anatomy. Currently ranking in Alpha Tier, assigned to dorm room AM-03.

SOCIAL. Participates in the Science Club, as leader, and the Swimming Team, as member. Associated with the Project Deus, as member.

RESTRICTED ACCESS.

CAUTION: near death from exhaustion, thoughts of suicide, murder

HISTORY.

born into a family of two of the most influential doctors in pohang, south korea.

grows up as the apple of his parents eyes, constantly adorned and fawned over his brilliance between the ages one to seven.

at seven years old, junsoo learns that the unlimited love he had received from parents and relatives is soon to be shared between him and a sibling.

soon thereafter, junsoo decides he doesn’t want to share the spotlight with anyone.

his sister isn’t as smart as him nor as pretty as him, but she’s a new toy to her parents and junsoo is shoved aside with tears brimming the sides of his eyes and rage leaving his determination on fire.

between the ages eight and ten, he learns that the easiest way into his parents hearts (and wallets) is through flawless grades, gold medals, and first places of any competition on offer.

years pass and with each 100% on a test and each gold medal, the praises fade, and he realizes he needs more, he needs something bigger.

he passes the entrance exams to amji, and though he’s not on the very top of the list, it’s enough to get his parents’ attention for the whole of february and march as they prepare to send off their eldest child.

junsoo finds that as long as he keeps his grades up, there’s a steady flow of cash being transferred into his account and a steady flow of bragging from his parents to strangers that somehow always reaches his ears as well.

but there’s no direct attention from his family anymore; he doesn’t see the proud look on their parents’ faces, or the jealousy in his aunts and uncles, or the (slight) hatred from his cousins whenever they get scolded for not doing as well.

the empty feeling is soon replaced, though, by his peers and either their jealousy or their desperate attempts to become friends, by the girls that can’t keep their eyes of him, and most importantly - mr. hwang’s constant praises.

with the constant pressure of being effortlessly perfect in everyone’s eyes turns out to be too much to handle for junsoo, imperfections slip through the cracks and rumours start to spread: junsoo is taking illegal drugs to help him study, junsoo cheats on exams, junsoo’s parents are paying large amounts of money to the academy to get better grades.

whether all of it is true or not, junsoo ignores his peers and pretends like nothing is wrong at all.

LIMITATIONS.

at some point in the school year, junsoo finds that the lines between separate days blur. all days are the same, full of the same - wake up, get dressed, study, sports, study, fall asleep thirty minutes to an hour before the start of the next day. at some point his roommate complains about the constant scribbling through the night, but that ends up forgotten as soon as the male realizes it’s pointless trying to reason with junsoo. at some point, his friends notice the way his eyes don’t really have light in them anymore, yet they choose to say nothing about it, unconsciously becoming accomplices to the - almost - homicide (suicide) by negligence.

one day, when he wakes up, he’s not greeted by an alarm clock that makes him feel like his brain is going to explode through his eye sockets. instead, he’s greeted by a pristine white ceiling, white walls, and the type of smell that makes your soul retreat into the darkest corners of your being. he knows the smell all too well; he’s hung around in hospitals way too much as a child, yet the smell is something he can’t ever get used to.

it takes him exactly ten minutes to realize his head isn’t hurting as much as it did before and he doesn’t feel quite as shakey as he did right before everything went black. it takes another fifteen minutes for him to realize he’s been here a while, and another five to notice a figure sleeping on the couch. it takes him a few minutes to recognize who it is, and a fraction of a second to smile. he waits patiently until the female finally wakes up and though his brain is still a little hazy, he thinks he can make out a smile on her face.

“what day is it today?” he asks.

“saturday.”

“no, i mean what day is it today?” his tone falls and although he isn’t trying to frown, he is.

a pause.

“it’s ten days until the first exam.”

exactly ten seconds pass; junsoo knows this because he tries his best to calm down. tries.

“what do you mean it’s ten days? it was three weeks yesterday!”

“you’ve been unconscious since last friday.”

she speaks so calmly and he wants to punch her. his hands start to shake as much as they did before and his heart rams wildly into his ribcage, repeatedly, over and over again. the realization finally dawns on him. even if he didn’t eat and sleep, there’s not enough time to learn everything. and if he gets something wrong on the exam, his perfect score will be ruined forever.

“what do you mean i’ve been unconscious?”

“your roommate found you barely breathing, it took them hours to stabilize you.”

“if i fail this exam, i’d rather be dead than alive. do you think i’m going to be grateful for this?” junsoo chuckles in disbelief, and suddenly, because she’s the only person here, he wants to hurt her. badly. “do you think i was going to be grateful that my roommate called help or that you waited here until i woke up? if i fail this exam, i’m going to lose everything.”

“you gave your best shot, and you’re clearly overworking yourself, do you really think some grade is worth more than your life?”

“it’s not like people care about me unless i’m doing well.” he shrugs. “you’re honestly fucking stupid if you think i care about anything else than being at the top.”

“fine. let your obsession destroy you. i hope people still buy into your fake perfection when you’re in your grave before your twenties.”

and it’s not the fact that he loses a friend as she leaves and not the fact that he’s going to die that makes him burst out into tears. it’s the fact that he’s still alive, still breathing, yet inevitably doomed to be humiliated in ten days. he considers jumping out the window.

ASPIRATIONS.

he doesn’t remember all of it. he doesn’t remember the words of the student exactly. he doesn’t remember who was the first to throw the punch. he doesn’t remember if he was the one to break his ribs and rupture his spleen. he doesn’t remember if he was one of the boys standing right next to the student and he took his last breath and became nothing but a corpse. he doesn’t remember much of what happened right after, either.

but he remembers the way adrenaline felt rushing through his body, how he felt the way the air smelled a little bit like iron, or the way he could taste just a hint of blood in his own mouth. he recalls the way he had to fight the grin off when the male had stopped struggling.

junsoo remembers how exciting it was murdering a fellow student and dumping his body in formaline. he remembers how much he wanted to do it again. to someone else, someone closer to home. someone in his home.

he walks down the dim hallway towards where the single shred of light peers through the door that’s left ajar. his steps are slow, and quiet, and the closer he approaches, the more the epinephrine surges. by the time he’s standing in front of the door, he’s practically shaking with excitement.

as he steps in into her sister’s room, she doesn’t notice him just yet. junsoo watches the younger sibling as she scrolls through her phone while blocking out the world with her headphones, her back turned to him.

if he was anyone else, he would do anything to protect her. if their parents didn’t love her as much as they did him, he would love her just as much as a brother should. they aren’t on bad terms; he never did anything to hurt her, and that’s why she can still smile when she finally notices him.

“hi, oppa.” she smiles wide, to which junsoo can barely answer with a small tug of his lips. “i didn’t know you were back. how’s school?”

but she never gets an answer. instead, he approaches her and watches as her eyes change from being puzzled to a look of pure terror. she opens her mouth to scream, but nothing comes out, as his fingers wrap around her throat and prevent air from getting in and out of her throat.

she claws at his hands until they’re bleeding. she claws at his hands until tears stream down her cheeks. she claws at his hands until her own ones fall limp against her sides. this time, junsoo is the one who smiles wide. “good night, little sister.”

junsoo wakes up in cold sweat that night, heart pounding. he doesn’t know if it’s fright or pure excitement.

BEHAVIOR.

amji brings out the worst in him.

junsoo goes from from very competitive to being extremely competitive. Grades that mattered a lot to him now mean life to him. to say he would rather die than get a bad grade would be an understatement.

junsoo overworks himself, loses sleep, loses his sanity, loses his health, gets behind on school work, then overworks himself all over again. it’s a vicious cycle that junsoo simply chooses not to acknowledge, and refuses to admit that he, too, is human.

nonetheless, he loves it in the school. it’s elite and only for the best. and when he is the best of the best, there’s nothing that could make him feel more whole. life has a meaning, and that meaning is being better than everyone he knows.

whatever bad quality junsoo’s had in the past, amji doubles it.

he’s obsessive with perfection. everything has to go his way. everyone has to think he is effortlessly perfect. nobody truly knows the extents he goes to to ensure he is the best. nobody knows how much he sleeps or rests, if he does so at all.

his need to be perfect extends to his teachers as well. it’s no secret that mr. hwang is his favorite, and junsoo himself has earned a spot in the teacher’s heart. he’s the ideal member of project deus, mr. hwang’s model student, eager to study, experiment, and murder in the name of science.

[infernalkrp]

HERE YOU LEARN KNOWLEDGE BEGINS WITH FEAR.

STUDENT FILE. BANG, Hyunjin.

PERSONAL. Bang Hyunjin, born on 12/04/2000 ( age 17 ) in Brisbane, Australia. Currently receiving no scholarship.

ACADEMIC. Second year. Registered in the Science Department, coursing biochemistry and human anatomy. Currently ranking in Alpha Tier, assigned to dorm room AM-02.

SOCIAL. Participates in the Science Club, as member, and the Blue Football Team, as captain. Associated with the Project Deus, as member.

RESTRICTED ACCESS.

CAUTION: (suggestion of) sexual abuse in fear prompt.

HISTORY.

Comes from a chaebol family and has 1 older sister. His parents both own and operate their own companies.

 Australian born and raised. His parents still live there but he and his sister were sent to Korea to study.

Has a high IQ and showed an affinity for science since he was young following in his mother’s footsteps.

Was once a happy and bubbly person until a traumatic event changed him forever into a cold and distant version of his old self.

Often seen in the science labs or experimenting.

LIMITATIONS.

He was a young boy of about 8 or 9, barely a teenager. He had no worries and only saw the good in life. His parents; wealthy. His family; loving. His friends; vast. He was a smart boy whose parents made him study hard. He had high grades and good attendance. Everything was looking up in Hyunjin’s life. Or so he thought.

It started out as a normal, happy day for the young boy. He was walking home from school, his report card in his bag, and a huge grin upon his face. He knew his marks would please his parents. His sister would also be happy for him. She didn’t pressure him the way their parents did. His father’s friend lived on the path between school and his house. It was on his way home that it happened.

His father’s friend, let’s call him ‘Kim’, was sitting outside his house. This was a little unusual for Hyunjin but it wasn’t enough to raise alarms in his head, so he decided to ignore it. However, once he noticed Kim following behind him, his heart began racing and he tried to speed up his walking pace. Fear was rising in the young boy’s chest, but he tried not to show it. Once he finally arrived home, he opened the door to enter his house but before he could close it all the way there was a foot stopping it: Kim’s foot.

It was all a blur but of the things he can remember, pain and fear were the most prominent. He remembers Kim pulling down his pants. He remembers trying to run away but Kim quickly catching up to him and overpowering him. He remembers the pain he felt in his lower body, in his arms and legs, in his chest. He remembers the intense fear that flooded his body throughout the attack. He remembers the tears that fell from his eyes. He remembers how cold the floor was and how easily his blood seemed to flow along the wood. He can’t remember how long he had laid there on the floor, but he can remember how he couldn’t move. His body was still and sore. His mind still full of fear and terror. His eyes puffy from crying, his ears heightened to the sounds of the world passing by. When he was able to move he cleaned himself off but had forgotten to clean the living room. It was only when his sister called out to him that he broke down. Kim had threatened to return and do the same to his sister if he ever told so he kept quiet. He has lived the rest of his life in fear of Kim’s return.

ASPIRATIONS.

He was a young teenager of around 13 or 14. It was before his time at Amji and Hyunjin was attending a school mostly attended by rich families. It was there that he felt desire for the first time. Until then, he had felt only the pain and fear of his past and of the pressures put on him by his parents. It was a new kid, a boy, who had been transferred to his class. He came from overseas and had a slight accent. He was attractive and tall and Hyunjin, for the first time, felt warmth in his chest.

The boy was to be seated near him and for a long time Hyunjin would simply stare at him. He hadn’t spoken to the boy nor had he seen him outside of class. Then suddenly they were paired for an assignment and Hyunjin would feel happiness whenever they worked together. He was finally able to speak to the boy, whom he realised he had a crush on, and he was able to do more than just stare. So many times, Hyunjin had wanted to lean across the table and kiss him but he held back out of fear and out of the unknown. So much desire filled the teenager, but he couldn’t do a thing about it. His first love would go on to break his heart by dating a girl. It was painful but the desire he had felt towards his classmate had been the first happiness he had felt in a long time.

BEHAVIOR.

Amji has definitely changed Hyunjin in several ways. Him and his older sister both attending such a high prestigious school pleased their parents and increased the family’s reputation which was all they seemed to care about. Throughout their lives, both Bang siblings’ lives revolved around maintaining the family’s reputation. It was often hard on the two and Hyunjin was thankful his sister also attended Amji or else he would be a lot worse.

He rose from Beta to Alpha status during his first year and his best marks were in science and English. When he wasn’t studying he was always working in the lab and on experiments which was what caught the attention of Mr. Hwang. He was invited to join Project Deus and he finally felt like he had a place to belong. He could be himself during the club’s activities for the first time in his life.

The club’s reputation means that there are some students who are suspicious of himself and his fellow members and of what they do during the meetings. Hyunjin, however, doesn’t care what others think of him and sometimes even adds to the rumours just to scare some people. He does actively participate in all experiments and finds nothing wrong in what they did in regard to the human experiment now loose in the forest. He strongly believes in the aim and purpose of the project and is a strong supporter of both Project Deus and Mr. Hwang.

[infernalkrp]

HERE YOU LEARN KNOWLEDGE BEGINS WITH FEAR.

STUDENT FILE. NA, Suji.

PERSONAL. Na Suji, born on 03/03/1999 ( age 19 ) in Andijan, Uzbekistan. Currently receiving no scholarship.

ACADEMIC. Second year. Registered in the Art Department, coursing photography and history of music. Currently ranking in Alpha Tier, assigned to dorm room AM-02.

SOCIAL. Participates in the Drama Club, as member, and the Red Football Team, as member. Associated with the Project Deus, as member.

RESTRICTED ACCESS.

CAUTION: drowning, drug use

HISTORY.

born in a military base in andijan, uzbekistan to a doctor and his wife

moved to yekaterinberg, russia when he was two years old (spent a lot of time in lake turgoyak with his friends)

lived a relatively peaceful life and enjoyed natural talents in science, arts and sports: he excelled the most in language and science subjects at school, could play the violin with mild fluency by the tender age of nine and partook in many musical concerts, and began swimming professionally by age eleven, competing in both local and international  competitions. spent a lot of his time traveling

his parents, both originally from south korea and believing that he was much more impressive than he gave himself credit for, wanted to reconnect him to his korean roots. so they suggested that he continue his studies in south korea

he applied to a handful of schools and got into all of them. following his mother’s suggestion to enter amji because a good friend of hers who serves in the state council went there.

LIMITATIONS.

he was barely fourteen, small and excited and cold as he sat in the back of his friend’s father’s van. giddy with anticipation (and a little sick with anxiety) as they drove by trees and unknown streets. and slowly, slowly, slowly, the city disappeared behind them.

sweaty palms. he tucked them into his coat sleeves and under his knees, and his hands were shaking just slightly, but he laughed to a joke about the sky.

they pulled into his friend’s grandmother’s cabin and ran to the lake in the backyard, hidden just behind a thicket of trees. and they jumped in without a thought, without another word, without a care in the world. laughing and shivering in the near-winter water, they braved the blue and carried on the afternoon in endless conversation and tireless competition.

games of chicken and hold your breathe underwater and let’s see who can swim the fastest, the farthest. it’s the blood under the water that gets him. his friend, too small to be in water that deep, cutting a gash in his foot against a rock.

he panicked and wailed and started to drown, and no one could really swim to where he was thought they tried and they tried. it was unnerving. they said they found water in his lungs, and he was pale as a piece of paper when they finally dragged him out to shore.

to this day, suji still wonders if that boy died. if he died and came back to life, if he could have died and it would have been their fault. and he has worked as an accessory, but never to murder. to this day, he wonders how that boy could have gone. and there are so, so many ways to go, he thinks.

it was terrifying, to say the least. a kind of scary, a kind of waking up.

ASPIRATIONS.

it’s a few hours away to another city. some interschool swim meet. and he wins a lap by a bare second and a half.

wanting to win the next round and the next, until he gets the big trophy on the stand (MVP, embossed on the plate underneath) is the first and last time he wants something so badly.

it’s a raw, young kind of emotion. a little too intense for something that seems so small. and it’s the kind of thing he doesn’t really realize until he’s older and feeling much less intensity at much less frequency.

and it’s not that he wanted the trophy, or wanted to brag, or wanted to be so big that everyone could see him. it’s something he feels in his heart, somewhere beyond ribs and woodworks.

and it’s simple, no flashing bright lights or broken bottles and cracked fireworks. no blinding epiphany or dramatic thing. but its a single moment that sets him up for life, instilling competitiveness inside of him when his parents never demanded much. teaching him the value of ambition when he already had everything he could ever need. nurturing a curiosity that had already been planted years and years before.

it’s an experience and a lesson, though he didn’t know it at the time.

BEHAVIOR.

suji likes to think that he hasn’t changed much. though he’s quieter, and speaks less, and sees less than he did before. though he punches harder than he did before, feels more anxious more often than he did before, though he asked his dad to sign off on a medical marijuana for anxiety form for his eighteenth birthday.

much of the change that he has gone through after entering amji can be attributed to two distinct things: his departure from the swim team and, of course, his involvement with project deus.

the events that took place within project deus, though surprisingly not as shocking as it should have been to him, did dent his state of mind to some degree. going into amji, the institute all pristine and well, he never expected to see so much violence, so much blood, so many wounds and cuts and bruises. and now he knows what human flesh being sliced apart feels like, what the smell of a thousand chemicals can do, how darkness in direct sunlight appears.

though it’s a change none too dramatic, the kind of change you expect to see in someone growing. he still likes most of the same things, art and science and sports. and going out with friends, and spending time basking in the world.

but now he knows so much more than he could have ever hoped to know, now he wants to know more than he ever could have dreamed. now he has experienced a thirst that he can’t seem to quench, and now he keeps emptying his heart to make space for harbored secrets.

[infernalkrp]

HERE YOU LEARN KNOWLEDGE BEGINS WITH FEAR.

STUDENT FILE. BAN, Edmund.

PERSONAL. Edmund Ban, born on 02/14/2000 ( age 18 ) in Cardiff, Wales. Currently receiving no scholarship.

ACADEMIC. Second year. Registered in the Social Studies Department, coursing psychology and latin language. Currently ranking in Alpha Tier, assigned to dorm room AM-01.

SOCIAL. Participates in the Gardening Club, as member, the Red Football Team, as member, and the Tutoring Program. Associated with the Project Deus, as member.

RESTRICTED ACCESS.

CAUTION: depression

HISTORY.

ban heejung or better known as edmund ban was born as another addition to the long list of well-known family that the ban is. he is currently the only grandson of ban ki moon, the eight secretary-general of UN, as the rest of his grandchild are all female. his family are well known with the fact of his grandfather’s position and his own parents’; whether it is about wealth, fortune and connection to other important people.

all his life he has been living overseas. moving from one place to another, discovering different culture, learning new languages, adapting to new environment until he reached middle school where he went to a boarding school in the place he was born, england.

being a grandson of the secretary-general of UN was never easy. the expectation, the obligation to must surpass the elder or at the very least on the same level of him, the limitation of what to say, what to do, what to wear, when to smile and not to smile were all in his agenda. everything was written in the stone, written neatly under his skin and tattooed on his mind. everything was already been prepared for him to achieved.

upon his enrollment in amji that happened the same time as the retirement of his grandfather as the secretary general, he didn’t think much of the retirement, thinking that it has nothing to with him and his school. but it did, the limitation, the strict expectation were no longer there for him. the neatly written rules that has been his only company is no where to be found when his family said: “you are now allowed to do anything you want. to be anything you want to be.” but anything and whatever were never in his book. he remain shackled and unable to understand the meaning behind those words.

growing up with such things on his shoulders that is now nonexistence is something he still can’t grasp until today. the mind of fifteen year old (now seventeen) boy that is edmund can’t understand everything, like he is pushed to do something out of his repetitive living, out of his comfort zone.

selflessness and order are taught to him since he was a little kid, thus are two strong traits he has and also his flaws that play an immense role in this problem. he forces himself to adhere to his own belief that he should service the needs and desires of everyone around him. however, upon given the talk about his future, when he realizes he never had a dream for himself except the dream his family pave for him, he stumbles into an inescapable chasm of confusion and depression — part of him wants to please himself and the other part wants to please others, and wants to do well because he is part of the ban family or to follow his ‘dream’. so in the current time, edmund is internally tormented by his own ideals of selflessness and identity.

edmund discovers himself in a spiraling hollowness in him. he thinks of it as part of being in an adolescent time. so as for now he will have to deal with this emptiness inside him until he found something to sealed the hole in his heart

he constantly feels empty and isolated, despite going to classes and following a daily routine much as he did in the early days. he starts to avoid answering roll call in his classes and admits that it was a pointless gesture since he feel like not physically and mentally there to begin with.  this “pointless gesture” serves to be emblematic of his lack of identity. edmund realizes that all he has managed to do with not answering roll call is to further isolate himself from his classmates and make them uncomfortable in his presence, but at some point he has stopped caring entirely.

up until this very day edmund is unable to come to terms with who he is without the fact that he is part of the ban family, or the edmund the ban wanted him to be. the small detail of edmund denying roll call further characterizes edmund’s sense of identity, or rather, his refusal of one. his rejection of identity is directly linked to his spiraling hollowness, and lack of realisation of who he truly is as someone suffering from identity confusion and a slight depression. though, edmund is content to be alone in his emptiness and maintains his repetitive, pointless living.

the daily agony that plagues his mind cripples his sense of determination and hope, leaving him floating around purposeless everywhere he is. despite that, edmund still retained enough self-consciousness that he is aware of how pointless his life is at the moment, putting him in a vicious cycle of his depression maintaining itself but remain as who he was before the talk he had with his parents regarding of his future. means that he is still the same old, overachieving, prim and proper edmund.

LIMITATIONS.

for teenager, fear are friends. fear of their parents, fear of their failing in certain subjects (or even all), fear of making decision, fear of almost everything as their emotions are as unstable as waves in the sea—–and like that, with that, edmund is the same as the rest. he thinks of his own fear and problem he has to go through, thinking how ridiculous it is to actually fear it; it’s not even a real big deal compared to others (but this is not a competition to win upon, to compare to—-this not it. it never is). so with the silent uncertainties of his future, and the scattered embers of the hope within his every beams, with the tremendous crashing wave of emotion within him, he will bitterly admit that he is scared. he is shaking right down to his core—–

to look back upon the chances he had let to pass for him just stared there and sit, and all the love people had offer but refused it for him to be afraid of taking risks. he is a useless person indeed. he has been useless all this time, and he know it, dammit, he know it all too well. with those mornings he permitting his confusion and lack of realisation of who he is define him as a pit of depression with forgotten bloom. he bit terly admit that he is useless. that he slowly turning into the person he doesn’t want to be. a useless person who can’t deal with a simple thing such this. to fill in the blank of future plan after graduating. (dammit, it’s not even a big deal—get over it).

‘you can do whatever you want to do. you can be whatever you want to be. you don’t have to be like me, edmund,’

those words. those horrible, horrible words repeating in his mind. what is he suppose to do with this? it’s not like he can call home, asking how he should fill the blank in this paper, in his heart as he can already see the answer they will give. whatever you want to be— fuck, what is he suppose to do when all his life he has been doing everything—shred blood, sweat, and tears to be on the same level as his grandfather but only to be told he can be whatever the fuck he want to be.

paper left untouched, his name written neatly at the top of it. edmund decides to go to sleep, leaving it blank and feeling unbothered to fill it at the moment in hope when the sun rise something will be written in it.

ASPIRATIONS.

people might not believe on things he wants to tell them. at this moment of the dying sun, lurking behind its clouds, of the rust and filthy scents of the deactivated science lab that most of the student doesn’t it exist, of the silent sound of classical music slip through his earphones, edmund trying to find where he can fit in. is it at this science lab? or is it at the back of his  throat where the words he should have spoken were drowning now. he is too, trying to find his haven. all this time he has been asking where does he belong to? where does he belong to if not in the ban family but oh what a pity, he was facing the tremendous freedom he never asked. and god, people might not believe on all the things he wants to say to them as he always been one who said nothing at all, pure white silence—as if his words were drowning with the waves, forbidding it to reach out.

he belongs in here. he wants to say, wanting to point out the deactivated science lab. here, pointing at the beakers, conical flasks, boiling flasks, test tubes, crucibles, funnels, pointing at everything this lab has. and at the very idea of this project deus, at eery vibe this group have, at the fear of the unknown, the after effect, trembling knees of students when things happened in amji, sacrifices that is made to gain something, weary bloodstreams, sinking veins, goner breaking ribcages, and at the noises of the boiling liquid in this lab, at the hunger of explanation of whatever happen in amji, at the hunger of knowledge. edmund belong at the every pieces of this place.

perhaps, he finally found something he crave upon, he found something inside it that slightly fill the gap in his heart, in his soul. whatever twisted story within, he is all abroad for it. he needs this, needs this so bad to feel something—and it’s working, and he is not complaining. if he is not the edmund the ban expecting him to be like he used to, then he is the edmund the project deus can’t run around without.

BEHAVIOR.

he really want to feel glad but that’s just not how the world works. because he is just now as the same as he was before, except that he is now just a tad bit sadder, a tad bit confused, a tad bit angry and desperate for something. people on his age should know what it feels like, it’s puberty they said, sure, whatever rings your bell then and he couldn’t agree more for that. he is meant to be on top of the world, because he has a real great life. real great life equals real great future but lately he feels like his world has just unfurled, he feels like he doesn’t belong anywhere. doing everything right just because it’s his duty as a student, as a son, as a human being but it doesn’t seem right—how is it possible that doing something right feel so incredibly wrong?

confused and numb inside, but quite the opposite on the outside. that what he is. smile, show the world that you have your demon locked in the dungeon of your life. show the world that you have everything planned and everything will bow down to you, show the world that they can lean on him cause he is just as strong as atlas. they do not have know what kind of earthquake inside you, they do not have to know what kind of storm in your mind, they do not have to know how many sleepless night you’ve been through for just thinking and searching for something so incredibly easy said than done, to look for oneself that has been spiraling down in the abyss of unknown.

and perhaps he has been seen as a life saver for some, but they do not have know his little group of friends (or perhaps the word that is more fitting in this situation is acquaintance—feelings and emotional connection are sometimes unnecessary in this) is your life saver. they gave him purpose, they gave him a slight push to the light in incredibly twisted way, in a bizarre experiment they’ve done, in a study that he never knew it exist before. they pushes him to be out of his comfort zone in a good way, he thinks. to bend something unspeakable,for greater good, that is. there are nothing wrong in this activity, he believes so and he will make people understand about it. that sacrifices are needed to gain something.

at least, for even just the slightest, he understands a tiny bit of himself, understands the hole in his heart. he has been searching for something to fulfill his hunger for stability, for the ground to step on, for a purpose.