#sullenload

[sullenload]

if you are the sun, then i am your moon; being lit up by your astonishing light.

if you are the rain, then i am the grass you grow, my love.

i am the object you cast shadows with, my star.

if there is no rain, then there must be no clouds, my belovèd.

what is a planet without its star?

what are trees without water, and what are leaves without their tree?

if you are a goddess, then i will pray at your altar, majesty.

if you are Goddess then i am Woman.

i pray to the unholy about you.

sullenload, on my pillow

[sullenload]

i found pictures of you turned into stickers on my snapchat; such a modern thing to say in something that dates back to forever. these pictures of you weren’t full ones, just parts of you at an age where we were still learning what love was and who we were as people. you don’t even have the same haircut anymore. i bet your smile is different. look at me, i’m a grown adult mourning a relationship that happened three years ago. but it didn’t end until one year ago. and in small ways, you’re still a big part of of me. i’m sorry there are still some of your puzzle pieces in my puzzle box. my puzzle is yet to be completed although yours seems to be coming along quite nicely. remember to glue it together when you’re done.

s.l.

[sullenload]

cant you see i’m not worth the saving? can you see i’m not worth the gesture?

save your breath, love, exhale to someone who deserves to breathe the same air as you. let me succumb to the thin up here. let my breathing be whisked away by who i will become in the next life.

i’m already looking down on myself and see what life i led and which one i will lead next. i hope they are better than what i’ve been. i hope they see who loves them. so they know it’s not time to go.

i wake up breathing deeply.

lights blinding.

heart pounding.

ears ringing.

the sound of chests creaking.

i inhale.

s.l.

[sullenload]

you’ll fall in love and it’ll be the sweetest most painful experience. you’ll wonder why you were ever allowed to fall in love in the first place. you’ll wonder why it has to hurt so much and why it for some reason won’t ever stop hurting. why your eyes never stop being swelled from crying your ass off at 2 am. why you can’t seem to get rid of the thought she never wanted you in the first place. why you can’t realize that maybe you were something special for once. but also, you’ll miss the times she would stay on the phone with you because you were sad and wouldn’t stop crying, and she promised she wouldn’t sleep until you were sure you’re okay. sometimes you lied a little bit so she could finally get sleep. you’ll miss the times she’d randomly call you because she missed your voice or you in general, and whatever mood you’re in, she slowly cascades you out of it. you’ll miss the times she would laugh and it showed all of her teeth and you just stared at her in awe. oh and don’t forget about missing her stupid jokes she’d make up and the way she’s so obsessed with anything and everything. you’ll miss the way she wore pink with a lot of things and how it clashed perfectly with her pale skin. you’ll definitely miss how she’d just quietly sing to herself while doing something else and every other note would be out of tune but it was the most beautiful thing. you’ll regret falling in love but falling out of it is what you’ll regret most. but you’re still in love, and still falling.

[sullenload]

I think of all the times we’ve gathered hours upon hours whispering sweet nothings to each other over the phone at the latest times of the night. since when did those feelings go away? when did those late-night calls stop? when did i become the person who made you feel sick every time we talked? i’ll never understand how this love of ours fell apart when we would move entire universes for each other before. when we would tell the stars our story and how we were making it. I remember being so scared so many countless times and now im not so sure anymore. sometimes i want you to call me those names again, i want to be yours and i want to flourish with you. other times, though? it feels like i’ve lost you completely and you’re all packed up, ready to move on. and i’m alone in this heartbroken house.

3.10.2020__22/00 p.m.

[sullenload]

so there’s this girl. you like girls but this is the first one you’ve ever really been with so you’re very scared you’ll fuck it up. because why wouldn’t you? you seem to have done it so many times already that any right decision seems suspicious. she shows you what love is supposed to look like. it’s not perfect, she says, but it’s not supposed to make you feel like a mistake. you tell her that you can’t help but feel like it anyway because everyone who has broken your heart ruined your normal; they changed you forever. to the point where every sentence from the girl you’ve fallen in love with feels like a lie. as if she knew that holding you by her finger can hold you up for however long she wants. and if that’s the case, you hope she doesn’t ever let go.

[sullenload]

“What did I do to deserve you?” I ask. She chuckles and says, “There are so many reasons why, my love.” She takes my hand and gives it a kiss. She whispers, “The moon has all of its craters from blocking the things that were going to hit us if it weren’t there. What did we do to deserve that? What did Earth do for the Moon?” My brows furrow. “We didn’t do anything.” I say. “Exactly,” she says. “You didn’t have to do anything to deserve me.”

[sullenload]

Okay but it’s three in the morning and I’m wondering how you feel in my arms. I’m wondering how perfect the curvature of your body is for mine so our cuddles will be us fitting like a puzzle piece. I’m wondering how after all this time, you still love me. Maybe the same reasons I still love you. I’m wondering if I’m just a happy little blip in your life, if my place will later be taken by something or someone else. I’m wondering if you want me to stay forever just like I want you to. I’m wondering how far our future goes. I’m wondering I’m wondering I’m wondering. Since the day we met, I have not stopped wondering. I’m wondering if you’ve done the same.

— it’s three in the morning constantly