#sunday sermon.

[rvrend]

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" looking out to the congregation, i see many ... tired faces. many of us who'd rather be back in bed, asleep and forgetting about God. so why don't we all just take a day off, relax for once ? kick our feet up, take a nap, laze around. doesn't that sound nice?

" ... NO!!!

" do you think GOD ever takes a day off ? fat chance ! no ... we all haul our sad, pathetic behinds here every sunday for one reason: responsibility. it doesn't matter if you love the Guy, i know there's plenty of things i'd rather be doing than standing here yakkin' to you sad saps ! but we have a responsibility to God to come here every sunday. there's only one place you'll go if you don't go here, and it sure ain't as pretty !

" so whether you come here … " he looks to shapey, " kicking and screaming … so long as it's here, you'll be able to go kicking and screaming right through those pearly gates. amen. "

[rvrend]

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" today is mother's day.    while mother's day isn't necessarily a christian holiday, why not take some time to reflect on how we can apply mother's day to our faith ?

" now, i love women, and mothers are no exception.    where would we be without women ?    i mean think about it !    none of us would be sitting here without 'em, that's for sure.    i love a woman with motherly qualities.    nurturing, loving, child bearing hips, and big ... hearts ...

" and while there are a number of women who could stand to be better mothers to their children, and some fathers that could be better husbands to their wives, there's still some good eggs in the basket.    even if some women only became mothers after breaking into your house ... stealing your tissue pail …..  and any other nonspecific.

" and of course, let's not forget a very special mother, who gave birth to jesus all those years ago: our very own mary.    she's probably the best known mother out there!    but let's not get too catholic about it.

" so to all the mothers out there: enjoy this day.    spend time with your kids!    and don't forget to stop by the annual mother's day bake sale, we'll have lots of feminine food, and cake!    happy mother's day, and amen. "

[rvrend]

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" as a man, i consider myself somewhat of a ' feminist. ' i love women, what's not to like ! i'd like to think i'm one of the biggest supporters of women there is.

" having known various women myself, i think i can speak for women when i say that periods are the worst. am i right, ladies ? believe me, i can get ' man-periods ' just being in the same room with a bunch of you, and that's bad enough !

" now, if you ask me, i think men don't get enough credit in the women's department. i don't think men are the real problem here — God is.

" i mean, think about it, He's the one who came up with all this in the first place. it's sick ! we men on the other hand have been here since day one, tracing all the way back to adam. we have to put up with all your mood swings and feminine issues day in and day out, and yet despite all that, we stay here anyways. you should be thankful !

" so the next time you're wallowing in self pity about being a woman ... just think of men.

" a - men ! "

[rvrend]

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" today's sermon is about humour. now, usually people don't think of church as a place of laughter, or joy. usually when people think of church, they think of boredom … and droning on … blah blah blah, you know what i mean, people.

" you all sit there gawking at me and never appreciate when i try and liven up the place a little ! if you keep frowning like that you're gonna get sad pruny wrinkles and your jowls will hang all low, like nixon but worse. brrr - blh - bh - blh - bh … disgusting.

" but God gave us the gift of laughter, we might as well be spitting into God's face if we don't use it ! yup, that's right, you'll be hawking up a loogie right between the Big Man's eyes if you don't start laughing more. everyone's got a sense of humour, especially God. i mean He laughs every time somethin' bad happens to us down here, it's sick !

" ... but seriously, you should all really appreciate what i'm doing up here more, i'm not running some yuk - yuk charity here, folks. amen. "

[rvrend]

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" friends, we all know the bible says not to sin. that's the big kahuna here !! sin's bad, but everyone does it. as soon as cute little babies take their first breath and stick their squishy little faces into their mother's warm bosoms, they've already committed a sin just by existing. this may come as a surprise to some of you out there, but as a man of the church, even i'm not perfect !

" ... now, this may be a bit of a controversial opinion here in the God business, but i don't see any harm in God looking away every once and again.

" God's a creep ! i mean think about it, He's ' always ' watching you ? even in the shower ? sounds a bit perverted if you ask me ! i just think God should give us our own privacy, just like we give to our fellow man. sure, a sin might slip through here and there if He looks away, but life haaaappens. if He can forgive a sin when He's lookin' at it, He should be fine with the ones He doesn't know about ! so i say to God: there's no need to worry over every transgression. He's already giving us eternal forgiveness, why's He gotta always stick His big goofy nose in our business too ? amen. "

[rvrend]

There's a sign posted on the church door that reads: "Service cancelled due to weather. Everybody go home!!"

[rvrend]

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he clears his throat. " as i'm sure you're all aware, i was absent for last week's sermon. " he mumbles, " against my will … but all thanks to a very selfless member of our congregation, church was able to proceed as usual. ha - ha ! don't think you can escape church that easy ! " he glances towards orel before he continues.

" now, God wants us to give ourselves to one another, and i'm not just talking about wives submitting to their husbands, et cetera et cetera. no, my friends, God wants us to be selfless to our fellow man — or ... woman — so we can share His grace... t'chuh. if you ask me, every single one of you could stand to be a bit more selfless.

" i bet none of the rest of you would've gone up here on your own, you probably wouldn't even if God Himself asked you to ! yeah, that's right ! you should be ashamed of yourselves. it's bad enough some of you don't even show up every week — believe me, i notice. can't even give up a few minutes of your lives to haul your butts out of bed. i mean seriously, is giving up part of one day of the week that hard, people ?!

he collects himself. " ... so just like jesus gave His life so we could have eternal salvation, so should you be selfless to each other. just be glad it wasn't you who was sick or all of you would be left high and dry, amen. "

[rvrend]

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" as you all know, today is easter ! the most important christian holiday, that sets us apart from everyone else. i left you all hanging last week, with jesus dead in the tomb. heh, i bet you've all been dying to hear what happens next. eh ? see how i did that ? "

there's a long, awkward pause and no one laughs.

" anyways ... you all remember how i left you on the edge of your seats last week, waiting to hear that final twist. what did they find in the tomb ? well, folks ... they didn't find anything. guess the easter bunny forgot to leave something in this basket.

" now what does this mean ? well — that, my friends, is the whole reason behind christianity. it's why we're here in this protestant church ! you see, this isn't a sad story. sure, jesus may have died, but that's not the real focus here.

" for you see, a miracle happened on that day. jesus, rising from the dead ! this would mark the start of a new beginning, for jesus and for all of us here. a new beginning, just as jesus rose. and just like all those pretty little flowers popping up, these new beginnings are all around, hiding in plain sight. even this easter's been much better than last year's, i'll tell ya that much.

" so just open your eyes, look around and wouldn't 'cha know it ? you might just find some new beginnings too. amen, and happy easter. "