Love how things going well is making me absolutely sick with dread around the edges of shutting down. It will literally be fine. I guess I’m reacting to putting up with whatever happens to me being my only response to like the ordinary exigencies of adult life, because for a while doing that did mean enduring stuff that sucked. And now I’m doing the same thing again, and I can’t accept that maybe it will be nice this time because obviously that’s a totally dysfunctional attitude to have. Like, there WILL be various disappointments and stressors, and these WILL feel, however briefly and inappropriately, like the hell for which I am braced. So the blows like WILL fall though even it’s just “and I had to stand in the sun without sunscreen for longer than I intended” (the little rat inside my skull fried and screaming) Like it will definitely be fine, I am going to endure it. But I can’t accept that it will be nice. OKAY LISTEN UP, RAT. YEAH PROBABLY YOU WILL FORGET YOUR SUNGLASSES AT SOME POINT. SO HOLD FAST AND STAY BRACED FOR IT.