"A Man's Man"- Superstore Sickfic
Written by: Pine
This fic is based on the short arc where Jonah drinks the ranch dressing to impress the warehouse guys. ‘nough said ;)
There is a very slight reference to my previous Superstore fic “Spillage”. It’s unimportant to the plot of the fic, but if you enjoy this kinda thing, check out “Spillage” first because this one technically follows that one (though the reference is only small)
Hope you enjoy :)
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Jonah swaggered toward the breakroom. He practically bounced with excitement. Not only did he get the warehouse guys to join the union without having to partake in endless questionable activities with Marcus, but he did it by connecting to them as men. Jonah had always been insecure about how manly he was. He knew he wasn’t the kind of guy to lift weights and pull girls; he was more the kind of guy to make a cup of coco and tune in to a new podcast, arguing out loud with the speakers with no one else to hear. He had never been “a man’s man”, until today. To chug a gallon of ranch dressing perhaps wasn’t the most intellectual solution to the problem, but it had worked. He was only grateful that he had skipped lunch today, though with nothing else in him, that ranch was sitting heavy…
Even acid reflux couldn’t get him down. A gallon of dressing was definitely not brilliant for his rather sensitive stomach, given that it was mostly used to all organic, locally sourced foods. Though that didn’t matter, he could just swig some pepto when his shift was over and he got home. And though he was stuck on shift for another hour or two with an increasing pain in his middle, he was still high off his success with the guys.
“You look more peppy than usual” came Garret’s voice. Jonah turned to see him also heading to the breakroom. “Let me guess, you served Greta Thunberg at the checkout?”
“No, cool stuff like that never seems to happen to me” Jonah replied. Garret smirked, further amused that Jonah had missed that he was making fun of him.
“No, I chugged a gallon of ranch to impress the warehouse guys into joining the union!” Jonah didn’t wait to see Garret’s reaction before continuing, meaning he missed a flash of concern across his friend’s face.
“Maybe I should chug things more often” Jonah said, half talking to himself, walking through the employee door towards the breakroom. He raised his voice again bringing Garret back into the conversation.
“That’s what us guys do isn’t it? Chug drinks?” Jonah paused for a moment, trying to think of a more macho term for drinks.
“Booze? Hooch? Liquid Courage?” at the last, Jonah nodded, satisfied and Garret stifled a laugh, imagining Jonah calling ‘beer’ ‘liquid courage’ in front of the warehouse guys.
“Can you even chug a gallon of ranch?” Garret asked as they walked together down the hallway.
“Apparently so” Jonah replied, placing a hand for a moment on his stomach, reminded of the heavy feeling settling there.
“I mean, without hurling it all back up again later”
“I don’t think that’ll be an issue” Jonah said “I like to drink probiotics so my digestion…” he patted his stomach twice “It’s got to be fairly well boosted by now”
“Ok buddy, don’t come crying to me when you’re chucking up a gallon of ranch in the employee toilet”.
“Won’t need to man, guys chug all sorts all the time right? And ranch is meant to be eaten anyway!”
They made it to the breakroom and took a well-deserved rest, Garret grateful to take a break from serving customers; Jonah grateful to be off his feet and give his stomach a chance to start working on that ranch. A sore stomach for one evening seemed like a small price to pay for respect and admiration from the guys.
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“Oh god”
It was too late for pepto. Jonah gripped his stomach firmly as he hastily made his way from aisle six, where he was stocking the shelves, and towards the employee toilet. Turns out Garret had been right, and its not like he could ask him for help now after what he had said, but more because he had already helped him a while ago when Jonah had eaten that bad yoghurt and subsequently thrown it back up when confronted with a particularly bad spillage. Garret had been so kind to him then and Jonah didn’t want Garret to think of him as this shrinking violet that vomited every time something disgusting happened. Plus, he wanted Garret to believe him about his probiotics and the benefit they had on his digestion. He’d come so far trying to teach Garret about organic, probiotic food and this would make him lose all his earned credibility on that topic. A quick trip to the men’s room was all he needed this time, and he was more than happy to do it by himself.
“Jonah?”
“Dina!” Jonah was flustered, he quickly removed his hand from his stomach and tried to wipe away the sheen of sweat across his brow.
“You’re already finished in aisle 6? That was quick. Ok, I need you to run a message to Amy, she’s in her office. A shipment came in today, apparently we’re short one item. Those bastards think they can short us one item per shipment like I’m not going to notice? Do you even know how many gallons of ranch they would owe us by the end of the year?”
“Oh god” said Jonah, though they weren’t really words, more spoken through an involuntary and powerful retch that keeled him at the waist. He put a hand instinctively to his mouth.
“Woah, you okay Jonah? You’ve gone a little green there. It’s very noticeable on account of your pale complexion. Was it something I said? Don’t like me talking about ranch shipments?”
Bleruuugh. The retch was short and strong, his body so full of ranch, it didn’t need to come far to escape. The hurling was vicious, a wet noise followed his gagging which was muted by a mouthful of partially digested, warm and stomach-tinged ranch dressing. The vomit was almost pure ranch. It looked white. It smelt tangy. Jonah tasted nothing but ranch and this only served to quicken the process.
Dina took a couple of quick steps back, managing to avoid most of the fluid, getting herself hastily out of the firing line.
“Damn Jonah, youstole the ranch from the shipment?”
Jonah took his opportunity to speak while he had the chance, though his voice was thick.
“No! Well yes, I guess technically? But only to chug it so that the warehouse guys would join the union! I-“ he cut himself off as speaking for so long was bringing on another wave of nausea.
“Ah, a classic dick-swinging contest huh?” Dina nodded understanding “I’ve been where you’ve been, I’ve chugged enough ranch to open a sandwich shop of my own”
Jonah paused for a moment, distracted from his sickness
“What would you sell, ranch sandwiches?” though at the thought of his own comment, Jonah promptly spewed liquid onto the floor again.
“Okay buddy” Dina said, placing a hand on his back to lead him away. She pulled out her walkie talkie.
“Glenn, can you send Sandra over to aisle six, tell her to bring a mop”
“Can do Dina!” came Glenn’s nasally voice from the other side of the walkie talkie.
“How does that man not get laughed out of every room he walks in?” Dina questioned out loud as she strode purposefully, leading Jonah to the employee toilet. She managed to get him there without further mess made out on the floor. Dina threw the door open, and seeing one of the stall doors closed, she started hammering on it with her fist.
“Clear the room now!” she called, her voice booming through the toilet.
Marcus replied from inside “Dina I’ve just started and if I stop now I’ll have to start all over again in another bathroom”
“Save it Marcus. Out. Now.”
Marcus fled from the stall, naked, and bundling his clothes in his arms,
“Jesus Marcus why are you naked?”
“Oh so you guys would rather try and get pee stains out of your clothes?”
“Just don’t pee on yourself?!”
“Yeah” Marcus scoffed “If it were that easy! Good one Dina” and then he left.
“He is a strange guy” Jonah said but started retching again.
“In!” Dina demanded pointing into the stall and kicking it open.
“Was that really- oh-“ Jonah cut himself off again and made his way to the toilet kneeling down and centring himself just in time for yet another torrent, hailed down into the toilet bowl. The discontented cries of Jonah’s struggle to evacuate the ranch were echoed back into the room. Amidst the sounds of vomit pooling in the toilet came the desperate groans and agonised moans that could only be coming from someone ridding themselves of a gallon of ranch.
Dina reached out but hesitated before touching him. Hearing his struggle, her decision was made. She laid her hand across his back and made comforting circular motions. He instinctively leaned slightly back into her hand, almost forgetting she was there; he only focused on the feeling of comfort. Some distant part of him was embarrassed at her presence, but a very real and immediate threat of another exodus brought any straggling thoughts back to his here and now as he fully emptied himself into the toilet; his hands grasped desperately at the seat. Jonah’s posture was small, his knees together, head bowed and back slightly arched as he retched. Dina stood behind him in contact with his back. She had begun making staccato hushing sounds and realised it was the same noise she used to quiet her birds, but it seemed to helping Jonah so she didn’t stop.
After his vomiting had stopped, Jonah let out a more than exasperated breath and sat back onto his knees. He wiped his brow once more and Dina was already offering toilet paper, which he took gratefully, and used to clear his nose and clean his mouth. He stood.
“You missed a bit” she said softly and with the toilet paper she still held, she dabbed the corner of his mouth. Jonah was very flustered.
“Thank you. And, erm- thank you for- you know”
“Hey” she stopped him “I’ve been there. It’s okay.”
She turned to leave and stopped, turning back to face him.
“I’m gonna have to take the cost of the ranch out of your pay. It’s nothing personal but you did consume stock while on shift.”
Jonah smiled, glad to return to their usual dynamic and quickly leave the vulnerability behind.
“I won’t write you up though, I think you’ve probably suffered enough”.