The Way My Heart Beats Out Of Rhythm For You
Content Warning: Scenes take place in a hospital. There's also mention of heart surgery. And mention of anxiety with hints of past trauma.
Pairing: James Potter/Regulus Black
Rating: M (for Hospital)
W/C: 4220
Summary: James Potter is diagnosed with an arrhythmia heart condition. Only a few months into his first year of university, he's got a sports scholarship and his whole future ahead of him. Suddenly, things are flipped on their head as he navigates his first tachycardia episode. Little does he know that support comes in the form of an unlikely friend who understands his struggles with heart problems on a personal level.
"James Potter?" "That's me," James confirmed, raising his hand with the intravenous still attached. An exhausted smile on his face as he asked, "So, Doc. What's the verdict? Not that this hasn't been a blast, but I'd really like to go home." "Of course, Mr Potter. We'll have you out of here in no time. However, I'm going to have to do a few more tests and set you up with a heart specialist. It seems, from what I can tell, you might have an arrhythmia. Most likely, supraventricular tachycardia, judging by the ECG." The doctor informs, writing on her clipboard as she speaks. "An arrhythmia? Super-ven—what now?" James asks, looking between the doctor and Regulus. "Supraventricular tachycardia," the doctor repeats more slowly. "It's not very common for people in your age group." "A heart condition," Regulus responds, a concerned look on his face.
Or: James Potter is diagnosed with a heart condition, and in the midst of his first tachycardia episode, Regulus finds him and takes him to the hospital. Regulus, with his own heart issues, can relate to James' struggles. Does the doctor mistake them for a couple? Yes.
Freshly nineteen, James is diagnosed with a heart condition. Specifically, an arrhythmia called supraventricular tachycardia, which deals with an irregularly high heart rate associated with the upper chamber of one's heart.
James is young and hopeful, nearly four months into his university sports scholarship, when he has his first attack. It comes out of seemingly nowhere; it's early on a Friday, and he's been particularly lazy as he doesn't have class or practice.
James wakes up feeling off; he hasn't been sleeping the best between the long practices and the early classes. He assumes he's just overworking himself. He hasn't rolled out of bed despite it being the early afternoon. He rolls on his back to stretch when it hits him: sudden discomfort in his chest. Not necessarily pain, but a strange fluttering sensation that sends him into a mild panic. It's a bit harder to breathe, like an uncomfortable pressure, with some mild dizziness and a sudden tiredness despite just waking up.
When he was younger, James used to have these intense, unexplainable pains. They would hit, and he'd be bent over, clutching his chest for a good ten minutes. Worried for their precious boy, Effie and Monty sought out specialist after specialist, each one quoting James' youth and growing body as the culprit. He soon grew out of it, or so he thought. It had been years since he'd had an episode, but this was different; it felt like something else entirely.
Cautiously, James rolled out of bed in search of Sirius—his main support system through many of his episodes. Yet, Sirius was nowhere to be found, their flat entirely empty—no Sirius, no Peter, and no Remus, not a single flatmate in sight.
Taking a seat in the lounge, James stares at his phone. If his flatmates are busy, who should he call? His mum and dad will take more than an hour to get there; they'd surely have to take off work. James couldn't bring himself to call them. Lily, maybe? No, Lily is off in another city working on her teaching degree.
At the realisation that he has no one he can call, James begins to crack. It's a sinking weight, pinning him to his spot on the sofa; he doesn't even hear the sound of the front door over his strange heart rate thrumming away in his ears.
"Potter?" The voice caught him off guard.
There, standing in the lounge no more than a few feet away, is Regulus Black, Sirius' little brother.
"Regulus. Hi," James greets, his voice giving away how much the younger man had startled him.
"I've been calling your name for a while. Are you alright? You look like shit."
Regulus Black, as perceptive and considerate as always. When it came to James, he was calculating and cold. However, seeing James in such a state seemed to have softened Regulus' usual demeanour.
James forces a smile, trying to mask his inner turmoil. "Yeah. No, I'm alright. Maybe a bit off today," he replies, hoping Regulus doesn't see through his facade.
"You don't look alright." Regulus' tone is flat and unamused as he stands looking down at James.
He knows he's been caught; there are few things anyone could get past Regulus. James' half-truth didn't even stand a chance, yet he still feels the need to lie, or at least save Regulus the trouble of having to care for him.
"I'm fine, really—" James starts, but the moment he sees Regulus cross his arms, he knows there's no point. A heavy sigh, and James is changing his tune: "I woke up feeling off," he admits reluctantly.
"Off how?"
"It's my chest; it feels wrong. Like I'm buzzing inside," James explains between heavy-winded breaths, clutching his shirt over where his heart is.
The next thing James knows, Regulus is stepping into his space, two cold, slender fingers pressed to his neck. Regulus glances at his watch intently as he counts, his lips barely moving as he concentrates.
Regulus' ocean-coloured eyes never leave his watch as he asks, "Have you called the NHS hotline yet?"
"No."
"Might have to take you to A&E, but it wouldn't hurt to call first, to be sure," Regulus offers calmly.
"I don't think it's worth—" James starts to protest again, but is once again met with Regulus' piercing eyes, almost daring him to finish that sentence.
Regulus drops his hand from James' neck. "Call the hotline, Potter. You'll need your NHS number."
"The card is in my wallet, on the kitchen worktop next to the toaster," James supplies in mild defeat.
While James calls, Regulus retrieves his wallet. The moment the call connects, he's put in a rather long queue. As they wait, Regulus sits next to him on the sofa, and James wants to question why Regulus is helping him or why he's even there in his flat in the first place. James doesn't even register that he's said it out loud until Regulus responds.
"Remus lent me a few books; I came to return them. Sirius told me ages ago where you hide the spare key." Regulus supplies nonchalantly.
Blinking, 'Oh' is all James can respond, his brain sort of lagging behind, trying to piece together what's going on and the unusual sensations in his body.
The phone call isn't very long, or maybe that's just how it feels to James. Halfway through, Regulus is speaking on James' behalf. Explaining the elevated heart rate and the visual state of James, and asking James to supply what he knows about his medical history and symptoms he's currently feeling.
And with no surprise to James, Regulus is right; the recommendation is a trip to A&E. With little fight, James concedes; it had been over an hour at this point, the symptoms not lessening. So it only made sense to allow Regulus to take him in. On the short drive, the subtle shake of Regulus' car has James almost feeling normal, tired but somewhat normal. As though the car's vibrations are matching the pace of his unusually high heart rate.
At A&E, the nurses take one look at James and lead him off to a separate room; he doesn't even have his medical ID bracelet on before they're hooking him up to machines. While Regulus lags behind, explaining the situation like he had to the NHS hotline, with the addition of James' information provided during the call.
When Regulus enters James' room, he freezes, watching with an unrecognisable expression on his face. James is lying shirtless, the sickly blue hospital gown hardly covering the man as the nurses work. Little sticky electrocardiogram electrodes stuck to James' chest, his arms, and his legs. An intravenous line is inserted in his non-dominant arm, and still, James chatters away at the nurses, making polite conversation. But when James smiles weakly at him again, Regulus remembers why he's there—James needs him.
Regulus then takes a seat in the uncomfortable hospital chair next to James' bed. He leaves enough room between himself and James so the nurses are able to work, but the moment James reaches his hand to Regulus, the younger man takes it without hesitation. He attempts to soothe James' worried looks with a half smile and awkward small talk.
The nurses come and go in frantic droves, which tells Regulus that things are just as bad, if not worse, than he had anticipated. Things take a turn for the frightening when one nurse forces Regulus' hand away from James', explaining she 'needs more room to work'.
A charming apologetic smile crosses James' face, "Sorry. That's my fault. I find it comforting."
"It's alright," The nurse says, her bedside manner more considerate of the patient, James, than the emotional support person, Regulus.
With his hand returned to him, Regulus takes the moment to send a few texts informing those closest to James of the man's situation. Not wanting to alarm them unnecessarily, he keeps the messages brief and informative. Regulus is extra delicate with his message to Sirius, knowing his older brother's relationship with James well enough. Sirius is the type to drop everything and rush over to the hospital if he thinks James is even slightly unwell. He emphasises the messages with added reassurance that James is perfectly fine, almost his chipper self, despite the stressful situation.
"How are you feeling, Mr Potter?" The nurse asks as she works.
"Mmm, not too bad. I feel a bit like I've been running a marathon," James answers with a small smile.
"Sounds about right; that's actually a good way of explaining. I'm going to need you to move your hands; I've got a few more things I need to stick on you," she explains in a friendly tone.
"Sure," James says, doing as he's asked. He watches intently as the nurse unwraps two massive electrodes from their sterile wrapping. The sheer size of them catches James' attention. James says, "Whoa, I had plenty of ECGs as a kid; the little sticky tabs were tiny like this." James points to the electrodes and wires scattered over his chest. "But I've never had anything big like that before; what are those?" He asks.
James' inquiry catches Regulus' attention as well. The younger man looks up from his phone to see what James is referring to.
"A bit of the same, not much different," the nurse supplies as she attaches one to the middle of James' chest and the other along the man's ribs on his left side.
Lying. The nurse is lying to James. The look of panic rises on Regulus' face as he recognises the massive electrodes the nurse is sticking to James' chest. Regulus' hand instinctively reaches to his own chest, feeling the jagged scar down the centre of his body. He knows exactly what those are; they're defibrillator pads. Designed to be stuck onto a patient's chest in case of heart failure. It's also the reason the nurse didn't want them holding hands. If James' heart gave out, they'd have to shock him back, and Regulus would be in the way.
When Regulus was fourteen, he'd had open-heart surgery. It's part of the reason why he'd been so calm upon seeing James out of sorts when he arrived at the flat. He had been through it all before, and he knew exactly what to expect in a situation like this. Regulus hadn't thought James needed heart surgery or anything, but he had recognised the signs because he had lived them. Of course, Sirius knew everything about the surgery; at that time, Sirius wasn't allowed to visit, and it was hard on both of them. But it had ultimately brought them closer together as brothers. Nearly losing your sibling has a way of doing that.
Seeing James in that hospital bed, all hooked up to wires, brought the memories of his own surgery flooding back. However, it wasn't until he saw the defibrillator pads that Regulus realised just how delicate the situation was. He watches in silent horror as the nurse prepares for any potential emergency while lying to James about the true nature of the situation in order to keep him calm. Regulus forces himself to put aside his own fears and be strong for James, knowing that James needs him now more than ever.
Three hours—three hours of waiting, worrying and keeping his older brother's idiotic best friend company in the hospital bed. James' heart went back into sinus rhythm completely on its own. There were no alarm bells, no codes called, no rushing doctors, or defibrillator pads needed. Regulus released the breath he hadn't even realised he was holding.
It was another twenty minutes before a doctor popped in for a follow-up and discharge paperwork. "James Potter?"
"That's me," James confirmed, raising his hand with the intravenous still attached. An exhausted smile on his face as he asked, "So, Doc. What's the verdict? Not that this hasn't been a blast, but I'd really like to go home."
"Of course, Mr Potter. We'll have you out of here in no time. However, I'm going to have to do a few more tests and set you up with a heart specialist. It seems, from what I can tell, you might have an arrhythmia. Most likely, supraventricular tachycardia, judging by the ECG." The doctor informs, writing on her clipboard as she speaks.
"An arrhythmia? Super-ven—what now?" James asks, looking between the doctor and Regulus.
"Supraventricular tachycardia," the doctor repeats more slowly. "It's not very common for people in your age group."
"A heart condition," Regulus responds, a concerned look on his face.
The doctor nods.
"What does that mean in terms of treatment?" Regulus enquires on James' behalf, attempting to conceal the worry creeping into his voice.
"Well, for today, we'll need to run more tests. We'll send those results along with the heart specialist request. They'll need to confirm the diagnosis and determine the best course of action," the doctor explains, her tone reassuring.
"And until then?" Regulus asks, looking to James, who looks as though his world is shifting all around him.
"In the meantime, you'll have to monitor his heart rate and symptoms closely," the doctor replies, her expression sympathetic. "Live life as you normally would; try to avoid excessive amounts of alcohol. Try to stay away from strenuous activities if you can, things like excessive workouts, intense heavy lifting, and sex." The doctor adds emphasis on the last one, looking between James and Regulus.
That seems to have caught James' attention, his cheeks flushing at the doctor's assumption. "Oh, we're not—he isn't my—" James stumbles to explain.
"No. Um. We're not, we don't—" Regulus and James talk over each other in a flustered attempt to clarify their relationship, causing the doctor to chuckle softly.
"I'm not in the business of judging anyone's preferences; there's nothing to worry about. However, it's important for Mr Potter's health that both of you understand the risks involved," she says gently, before moving on to discuss further details about James' condition.
Regulus nods, his face burning with embarrassment as he listens to the doctor's care instructions for James. She finishes with, "Mr Potter, if you show any signs or experience any symptoms, don't hesitate to have your partner bring you back in. I've made a note on your file that you'll be seen immediately if you do. A heart is not something to wait until the symptoms are severe before seeking help."
James nods in understanding. "Thank you, doctor."
"That'll be all from me; I'll send a nurse to run those last few tests, and you'll be on your way." With a smile and a wave, the doctor exits the room, leaving the two men alone in the silence.
"That was incredibly awkward," James confesses, breaking the tension with a nervous laugh. His arm, without the intravenous, stretched behind his head, rubbing the back of his neck.
"Probably more so for you than me, considering that you're not…" Regulus' words trail off.
"Gay?" James supplies.
Regulus looks to James and nods ever so slightly.
"Actually, I don't really like labels. I just like who I like," James responds, a genuine smile appearing on his face.
"I see," Regulus offers, his cheeks still a faint shade of pink. He's desperately trying not to think of the implications of James' words and what they might mean for their 'friendship'.
"Oh, come now, Reggie. You don't still have a crush on me, do you?" James replies, teasing Regulus with a playful yet tired grin.
The rosy hue of Regulus' cheeks darkens significantly as he scoffs. "I never had a crush on you, James," Regulus lies, crossing his arms to try to hide his embarrassment.
The smile slides from James' face at the realisation that Regulus was not being entirely truthful. In all the years James had known him, Regulus Black, even in their youth, had hardly ever used his first name. Regulus only used it when he was flustered, a fact that James had always found endearing. It was a small detail, but one that spoke volumes about the true nature of Regulus' feelings towards him.
"Regulus. You just—" "What, James? I just, what?" Regulus cuts James off; his tone is snappy but not holding any real ill will towards the man.
A male nurse enters the room before James can respond. "Lover's spat? I can leave you two a moment if you need, although this probably isn't good for the patient's health," he offers, pausing at the door with the ECG machine.
James looks at the nurse, shaking his head quickly. "No, no, it's nothing like that," he stammers.
"We're not a couple," Regulus says, clearing his throat. "He's my older brother's best friend," Regulus finishes.
"Shame, really; you'd make a lovely couple." The nurse chuckles softly, approaching James, wheeling the ECG machine over with him. He works in mostly silence, with a bit of awkward conversation as he finishes the tests, disconnects James from the machines and bids the pair farewell.
It isn't long before James has the discharge paperwork filled out, has received a small packet of information regarding his aftercare instructions, and they're on their way back to the flat. The car ride is filled with an uncomfortable silence, both lost in their own thoughts. As they arrive at the flat, James thanks Regulus for driving him.
"You don't need to thank me, James," Regulus says, a soft yet sad smile spreading on his face.
"I know, but you didn't have to waste your day taking me to the hospital and back," James replies, feeling grateful but mildly guilty.
Regulus simply shrugs, "I didn't mind at all. I wanted to make sure you were okay. Plus, I know how scary heart problems can be."
A look of realisation crosses James' face, "I completely forgot about the…" James' words trail off as he makes a gesture at his own chest, implying he'd just remembered Regulus' open heart surgery scar.
"Heart surgery?" Regulus offers, to which James simply nods.
James knew about it, although Sirius and Regulus weren't allowed to see each other at the time. He's only seen the scar a handful of times; it's not like Regulus is particularly shy about it—that James knows of. But it was such an easy thing to forget, as it's not at the forefront of their conversations.
Regulus gives a half smile and a shrug, "It's alright. I don't talk about it often, but hospitals can be a lot, especially when you're alone. I'd hate for anyone else to have to experience that alone." Regulus' tone is light but with a hint of vulnerability.
James is a little surprised by the sudden candour of the younger man. It's strange for Regulus to be so open, especially with James. Although a bit odd, James appreciates the weird connection he feels with Regulus in that moment. It's a small comfort to know that they share more in common than meets the eye.
"I—um. Thank you, I guess. I don't really know what to say," James stammers, at a loss for words.
"Like I said before, you don't need to thank me," Regulus says. "I'm sure you're pretty tired. Why don't we get you to bed? I'm going to wait for my brother to come back so I can fill him in. If that's alright?"
James nods, feeling his exhaustion hitting him in waves all over. It's as if he'd been sprinting for hours while sitting still. It made little sense, but sleep sounded nice. James turns down the hallway, making his way towards his bedroom. Regulus is walking close behind, his cold hands pressed to James' ribs as though he's an unbalanced toddler learning to walk.
When they turn into James' bedroom, Regulus lingers in the doorframe, almost hesitant about entering. James turns to Regulus with a soft smile, reassuring him that it's okay to come in.
"You can stay if you want—that is, I mean—I'd prefer if you'd stay," James says, feeling a bit juvenile in his sudden request.
Regulus stares a moment, glances around James' room, and then crosses the threshold.
"I know I've said it a few times now, but honestly, thank you again, Reggie. I really do appreciate you being here for me today." James offers, tugging his shirt over his head. It feels a bit odd to climb into bed in the late afternoon, but James wants nothing more than to do just that.
Regulus smiles warmly. "Honestly, I'm glad I ditched class early to drop off those books. Can't imagine what you would've done if I hadn't."
James gives a small smile as he sits on the edge of his bed, "Me either," playing with his medical ID bracelet.
"Leave it on," Regulus tells him as he approaches James, placing his hand over the bracelet. "If anything happens, then they'll have all your information," Regulus explains, looking down at James.
"You know a lot about these types of things," James responds absentmindedly, looking up at Regulus through his lashes.
"Of course, it comes with having a heart condition."
At that, James frowns, and Regulus feels a bit guilty. Heart conditions are probably the last thing James wants to talk about right now. So, Regulus changes the subject.
"You should probably take these off. The longer they stay, the more they'll hurt to peel off." Regulus explains, brushing his hand over the little sticky electrode on James' lower arm.
James nods before tugging the first one off his chest; he makes a face and a hushed 'ouch' under his breath.
"Here, let me help," Regulus offers, and James nods again with a soft 'please'.
Regulus gently and meticulously removed each of the electrodes, stacking them in James' waiting palm. With every sticky tab pulled from his skin, Regulus places his cold fingers over the spot to soothe the area. He starts with James' arms, pulling them off before working on the legs.
"Your hands are nice and cool," James comments, offering a contented sigh.
"They're always cold," Regulus says, stopping himself before he finishes the rest of his sentence. 'It comes with having a heart condition,' not wanting to make James frown again.
After James' legs are done, Regulus focuses on the bulk of the electrodes located on James' chest, covering his left side. Regulus takes his time with these ones, ensuring each one is removed carefully to minimise any discomfort for James. He knows from personal experience how much those suck to pull off. His hand lingering over the space where the last electrode was removed—rubbing soothing circles under James' pectoral. When he's finished, Regulus looks down at James with a sympathetic smile.
"All done," he says softly.
"Thank you, Reggie."
"Really, it's nothing," Regulus insists, taking back the little sticky electrodes before moving to dispose of the used electrodes in the rubbish bin next to James' bed. Regulus turns as though he's going to leave, and James stops him, calling his name.
"Regulus?"
"Yes, did you need something else?" Regulus questions, looking at James with his eyebrows pinched together.
"Would you mind, if it's not too much to ask…" James' words trail off as he allows the silence to stretch between them.
"I don't know until you ask," Regulus says with a patient smile, waiting for James to continue with his request.
"Could you please stay a little longer? I don't feel like being alone right now," James finally admits, looking down at his hands clasped together on his lap.
Blinking in mild surprise, Regulus agrees before he's able to properly consider the request. He remembers how painfully lonely his own experience was. His friends were barred from visiting, and his brother was banned from seeing him. It was all very, very lonely.
"Of course, as long as you rest."
Without any protest, James is shifting on his bed and curling under the deep red duvet. When he's comfortable, he folds back the covers and pats the bed next to himself.
A soft, almost pitiful, "Please, Regulus. I usually have Sirius or Remus with me, but they won't be home until well after supper."
Regulus hesitates for a moment before finally sitting down next to James, who immediately leans his head against Regulus' outer thigh with a contented sigh. The warmth of another person's presence is something he hasn't felt in a long time, and he finds himself grateful for the unexpected companionship.
"Thank you, Reggie," James murmurs, getting more and more tired by the passing minute.
"Sleep well, James," Regulus offers, just above a whisper, his hand falling into James' curls. If anyone were to ask, Regulus would claim it was for James' benefit and not his own self-indulgence.
James isn't certain what all this means moving forward for his degree, his sports practice, or his scholarship. A heart condition could change everything. It was not something he had ever anticipated dealing with. He has his whole life ahead of him. However, having Regulus here helps ease some of his worry.
James' thoughts drift away as he lies against Regulus, letting the exhaustion of the day drain from his body. The soothing pull of Regulus' hand, combing through his tangled curls, swiftly delivered him to sleep's doorstep.
