Proxy didnât quite like the underworld. It was seedy, and had too much that he couldnât quite explain when it came down to the wire. He waited patiently, two burly men escorting him into a side room and as they left him (not before patting him and his wheelchair down, they were going to tear the wheelchair into halves to check if he had anything concealed), Proxy opened his mouth to an unnatural angle and pulled out a shotgun from inside his cheek, stashing it inside his coat. As the door slid open, Proxy straightened once more, tilting his head with his signature cheeky grin. âDidnât know my services were that in demand lately,â he began glibly, âHow do I address you?âÂ
when seyoon plopped himself down on the couch beside anders, there was a nervousness in his soul that he was not used to feeling. there was nothing about that night that should have made him this anxious - after all, he and his roommate had made plans to stay in and watch a movie and just catch up on things. lately, seyoon had been spending more time outside of the apartment than in it, leaving the two spending less time together than they usually did. considering the way seyoon typically clung to anders like a starfish or followed him around like a puppy, it was usually a lot. seyoon missed his roommate dearly, even while out with his girlfriend - or ânot girlfriendâ, as he felt was better to call her - or while he was busy working extra shifts at the local mcdonaldâs in order to raise more money for said not girlfriend. he was looking forward to catching up with the older man after a few weeks of short interactions and meetings in the hallway, though he was not ready to be bombared with questions he knew anders would inevitably have.
whatâve you been doing lately? heâd probably ask. still working? howâs rosa? you two okay? everything going good between you? have you been eating your vegetables?Â
seyoon knew that anders always had concerns when it came to him and that usually made him happy. when it came to concerns about his relationship or with the amount of partying/drinking heâd been engaging in in more recent times, however, he felt less ecstatic to answer. anders always meant well, but seyoon was absolutely fine. he didnât need to be checked in on like a teenager. his relationship may have been rocky at times, but that was nobody elseâs business but his and, frankly, he didnât see what was so wrong about going out almost every night. at his age, he was supposed to be doing wild things. thatâs what was his usual answer, anyway.
tonight, however, seyoon had a question of his own - one that was making him feel sweaty. heâd wait to ask it, though, not wanting things to be serious from the very start of their hangout. itâd truly been a while, after all, and he wanted to enjoy this evening with anders before he shared with him his big concern.
Dohyun was never a big drinker, but sometimes he needed the added confidence a few beers could provide him, and Lord knows it never took much alcohol to make him drunk. He tilts his head toward the stranger and smiles, âIâll make fun of people with you, if you donât want to do it alone. Donât know how good Iâll be at it though, but I could channel my innerLouise Belcherâ have you seen that show? Bobâs Burgers? Itâs pretty good. Not as good as Gravity Falls though but thatâs just my opinion.â He pauses and gives the other an uneasy look. ââŠ.please donât make fun of me.âÂ
Hyungmin wasnât usually the chatty type when it came to strangers but get enough drink in him and his tongue certainly did become looser. Didnât know somebody? Pfft, that didnât matter at all since in his intoxicated state everybody automatically became best friend material. âYou will? Thanks. At least Iâm not going to look like some bitter old man judging people alone.â He replied with a grin, his lips still damp from his last shot of soju but old was definitely something he wasnât at 20. âBogâs burgers? I mean wait..â He closed his eyes and pinched at the bridge of his nose while trying to regain some comprehension of language. âBobâs burgers? No, I havenât seen it but Iâve heard about it, I think? Some bad chef sells burgers with his family?â He questioned while curling his fingers around the already empty shot glass. âI wont if you promise you channel whatever you need to laugh away with me.â
the interesting thing about life was that one could never truly expect the unexpected.Â
there were a lot of things that seyoon expected that day and that afternoon. he expected little jinhee to come over to see her dad. he expected he would play tea party with her and serve her bottle caps full of juice until they were confiscated due to a choking hazard - after all, anders never did let the fact that he swallowed an eraser once go. he also expected that they might all settle in for a movie eventually and snack on popcorn after dinner. maybe they would play hair salon, again. maybe end up with makeup all over their faces. that was usually how things went when his roommate andersâ daughter was aroundâŠ
but heâd never expected to die.
this time, jinhee begged them to take her to the park. it was a lovely day out so seyoon had to agree it sounded like fun. anders, the sucker that he was for his daughter, couldnât even consider turning her down. they all slipped into their shoes and took a walk to the nearest park, where five year old jinhee went wild on the play structure, mingling with the other neighborhood children. seyoon took a seat beside anders on the bench he was on and talked to him about how weird beavers were and how heâd had a dream that theyâd bore through the wood in the apartment with their giant teeth and started chasing him, wanting to chew up his legs.Â
âdonât worry, noodle boy,â anders had said with a smile. âi wouldnât let them chew up your legs or any other part of you, for that matter. you know iâd protect you from them. if i can, iâll protect you from everything.â here, the elder threw an arm over seyoonâs shoulder and pulled him close. âheaven knows you need a lot of that. without me here to watch over you, youâd probably get yourself killed doing something stupid.â
seyoon simply laughed. âyeah, probably.â
on the way home, jinhee wanted to stop for some ice cream. unfortunately, theyâd found themselves in a place that had its system down. they werenât able to take card and neither anders nor seyoon had any cash on them. not wanting to disappoint the little girl, anders promised to be right back and went to find the nearest atm. he left seyoon and jinhee outside at a table, where they were discussing all things princess, and told them to stay put.Â
when anders returned, he found out that they hadnât stayed put. as the manager of the ice cream store would later explain it, jinhee had gotten up and started moving around at the two minute mark. a five year old didnât have a lot of patience, especially not in cases where ice cream was involved, and her careful shuffling quickly turned into her running. they had to play tag while they waited, she said, so they could be tired by the time her dad got back with the money. according to her, ice cream was always better when one was tired. one needed to be tired so that the ice cream could refresh them and make them feel better.Â
apparently, seyoon had sounded a little hesitant about that. one sidewalk wasnât much space to be playing games like tag, especially considering they were on a busy road and surrounded by fast moving vehicles. not wanting the little girl to get hurt, seyoon tried to weasel out of it, trying to distract her with conversation and promises that she could put hair clips in his hair the next time they played salon. unfortunately, seyoon wasnât someone most people took seriously. he wasnât good at being authoritative or in charge. jinhee saw him like another kid in a bigger body, which was likely the reason the two had hit it off so well from the start, anyway.Â
seyoonâs âno, itâs not safe hereâ turned into âstop running here, i told you itâs not safeâ and to âjinhee, iâm older than you and you have to listen to me no matter what your dad says!â somehow, they ended up playing tag anyway, but it wasnât by seyoonâs choice. jinhee was usually pretty well behaved, but she was still five years old - five year olds were difficult to keep in line, at times. she was absolutely no exception. she seemed to be having a blast trying to get away from him, laughing and smiling while he tried to stop her from getting too close to the road. he hadnât been playing, heâd just been trying to keep her safe.
then jinhee ran into the street.
one never wanted to think of their child putting themselves in danger like that, but it was one of those things that had to be expected as well. as many times as jinhee had been told by her parents and other adults to never try to cross the road without looking, there were times when danger was just the farthest thing from her mind. it was so the moment she took the step off the curb, putting herself in direct line of oncoming traffic.
seyoon, of course, was there in an instant to get her to safety. unfortunately, he hadnât been fast enough to get himself out of the way. though heâd gotten there in time to push jinhee away from danger, the car barreling their way hadnât had enough time to stop. the driver honked the horn and hit the brakes, but slammed into seyoon anyway, and slammed into him hard. the driver in the car behind the one that hit him slammed the brakes as well, though ended up ramming into the back of the first car, causing a small pileup of vehicles that drivers werenât able to stop quick enough.
anders saw the whole thing happen.Â
the man had found the nearest atm, only to realize that it was out of order. the man in that store had sent him somewhere else, stating the nearest atm was a big of walk from there. anders didnât want to keep seyoon and his daughter waiting for too long, but he knew they were both good at entertaining themselves in his absence. he expected they would be fine. he never expected anything like this to happen.
immediately, andersâ legs were carrying him to the scene, as if on autopilot. it was shocking and terrifying to see something like this unfold, especially when it involved people he cared about, but his military service and his police work had prepared him for dealing with emergency situations. he had to make sure his child was okay, as well as the roommate heâd come to love in more ways than one.
âseyoon! jinhee!â
the little girl in question was there, crying, scraped up, but safe. a couple had been walking down the sidewalk when the incident happened and pulled her even further from the street after seyoon pushed her away. the young woman was crying, traumatized by what sheâd just witnessed, holding onto jinheeâs arm. her boyfriend took a deep breath and stepped into the street to see if the young man whoâd been hit was alright, or even alive for that matter. at this point, it was increibly hard to tell whether he was or not.
âsomebody call an ambulance!â anders ordered as he got there. jinhee was alright as far as he could tell, at least physically (save for the minor scrapes, of course), but he could tell seyoon was in bad shape already. the impact of the vehicle had sent the young man rolling over the hood of the car, head smacking into the windscreen, then tumbling into the street. heâd landed hard and most definitely had some broken bones and internal bleeding. anders knew that seyoonâs injuries were life threatening and it terrified him. immediately, the man from the couple pulled out his cell to call for help. anders knelt down beside seyoon and reached out to touch his cheek, heart pounding dangerously fast in his chest. âseyoon-ah⊠seyoon?â
seyoon did not open his eyes. he looked lifeless like that, so still and quiet. seyoon was never still and quiet, at times not even when he slept. it was a bizarre way to see him and anders hated every second of it. with tears attempting to well up in his eyes, anders reached out and placed two fingers on seyoonâs neck, trying to feel for a pulse. for a while he felt nothing, but he refused to give up, refusing to believe that seyoon was gone. finally, he located a pulse, though it was faint and weak. it filled his heart with relief, though seyoon needed to be transported to the hospital right away or else the relief would bring about nothing but disappointment.
anders wanted to pick seyoon up and run with him, carry him all the way to safety, but he couldnât risk moving him because of his injuries. it was hard to tell exactly what was wrong, at least inside of him, and moving him could only make matters worse for the boy. by now theyâd drawn a crowd in. the driver of the car stood there in shock and horror, hurling out frantic apologies that anders could care less about.Â
jinhee, too, was crying. âseyoon oppaâŠâ
anders turned to his daughter and took a deep breath. it hurt him to no end that seyoon - his seyoon - was the one whoâd been hurt today, though he was relieved and forever thankful that his daughter came out of the incident unscathed. he had seyoon to thank for that and he wanted to be able to thank him for it. the sad truth was that anders knew seyoon could very well die from this. it was hard enough considering losing the young man, but even harder knowing that jinhee would too. jinhee, at five years old, didnât need to be seeing things like this. she didnât need to see what a cruel world she lived in.
âjinhee-yahâŠâ
âdaddy⊠why wonât seyoon oppa wake up? when is he going to wake up?â
anders swallowed thickly and turned back to the younger lying in front of him. he wanted seyoon to open his eyes and tell him that he was alright. hell, heâd love it if seyoon could just start blabbering away as usual. anders never minded when seyoon talked too much, which was often, and now he wanted that more than ever. unfortunately, all he had to be comforted by was the fact that seyoonâs heart was still beating and he was still breathing, however shallow and labored it was.
âseyoon⊠seyoon oppa is going to have to go to the hospital, baby. theyâre going to help him there - the doctors. theyâll take care of him so that he can wake up and see us. theyâllâŠâ he took another deep breath, wanting to stay strong in the face of his daughter and around seyoon, too. seyoon needed to know that anders wouldnât give up on him. even if seyoon couldnât hear it, anders had to be encouraging around him. it felt like it was the right thing to do. âtheyâre going to do everything they can. you hear that, noodle boy? help is on the way, so hang on. theyâre coming. you donât leave us. donât you dare leave us before then.â
after that, time seemed to be warped. anders didnât know how it happened, but suddenly he was in the emergency room waiting to find out news of his friend. it seemed like it took the ambulance ages to get there, like everyone was going in slow motion, but suddenly things started to speed up and were happening all too fast. heâd called his ex on the way, asking her to come pick jinhee up from the hospital and take her home. sheâd chewed him out on the fact that their daughter was put in danger and didnât seem to care very much about the fact that his friend was dying, then came to scoop jinhee up. jinhee didnât want to leave, but anders did not want her to witness any more of this horror. sheâd already seen way too much and he wanted to protect her from whatever tragedies life threw at people. she was still just so, so young, after all.
and so was seyoon in his eyes. anders had always pointed out their age difference, the fact that seyoon was still just a kid trying to learn who he was. anders was wise and experienced, unlike seyoon, who was youthful and innocent and still easily shaped by everything around him. it wasnât fair that seyoon had to be here today. it wasnât fair that seyoon had to be on the brink of life and death, especially considering how many other awful life threatening situations heâd been in thanks to anders himself. anders knew he was at fault for everything. somehow, someway, even this.
the interesting thing about life was that one could never truly expect the unexpected. anders, however, realized the moment the doctor stepped out and gave him an apologetic look that heâd expected seyoon not to pull through from this. heâd wanted him to, but his training and knowledge told him that there was no way, that seyoon was just too badly hurt. heâd listened to them list off everything that was wrong with him. heâd known how badly things were, and how poor the odds were that anyone could make it through this. it broke his heart into a million pieces but it, unfortunately, did not surprise him.
âiâm sorry⊠we did the best that we could but we lost him⊠he went into cardiac arrest two times during⊠we were able to bring him back the first time, but⊠iâm very sorry to have to tell you thisâŠâ
anders couldnât hear the rest of it. the words were all blending together like ingredients in a poisonous cocktail and he couldnât make sense of where the sentences were starting and ending. he felt like he couldnât breathe. he felt like he couldnât breathe because seyoon, his roommate, his friend, his noodle boy, and the person heâd fallen in love with was dead. gone forever, and taken away much too soon.
it was the worst day of andersâ life. it was the day that both of them died.
This is going to be very long, so if youâd like to skip to where youâre mentioned, make sure to use ctrl/command+f and search your username!
On November 9th, 2013, I posted my ad for Vartouhiâs first blog. Within 24 hours, it got 53 notes, and her follower count was just a little over that. I had never made a female muse that caught so many peopleâs interest so quick, and I felt so incredibly touched.Â
My first endeavor to portray her was clumsy and awkward--I had so many ideas bouncing around in my head, and while I knew what I wanted her characterization to be, I didnât know where I wanted her to go or why. I got lost on the way to finding out, and became unhappy with what she had turned into. By then, Iâd been struggling with depression and (at the time) undiagnosed bipolar disorder for almost two years, and it magnified all my disappointment and self-doubt. I was still very much an elitist brat back then, undeservedly, and my lingering frustration over the differences between forum rp and tumblr rp contributed a lot to my problems. I deactivated on February 21, 2014. I remember it being tearful, because of how much I adored my little alien.
A month passed. Exams at law school were winding down, and I needed a creative outlet to help me come down from the stress. On April 18, 2014, I re-made Vartouhiâs blog. I had renewed inspiration, and a determination to do her justice. I failed two more times, but refused to give up. Instead, I simply pressed a metaphorical reset button, starting her story over at day one, both times with a notice posted on dash to let my followers know. Eventually, I started to slow down as real life began to speed up. I made this blog as a way to start anew, while picking up from where Vartouhiâs story left off on the previous blog.
I made and lost so many friends along the way. Some, I let go. Some, let go of me. Some, understandably so. Some, in ways that Iâm salty over to this day. Some, I reconnected with later. And some, I lost again. I want to thank every single person, even those that hurt me, even those that, to this day, I refuse to associate with. Without every single one of you, I wouldnât have taken the steps I did, I wouldnât have gone down the path I did, I wouldnât be where I am.
Vartouhi is a very special muse to me. I didnât write her to be me, or even a lot like me. She is shy, I am bold. She is soft-spoken, I am loud. She hates sweets, and I love them. We share some similarities--we are both honest to a fault and we feel very deeply--but what we share the most, I think, is in our struggles. I didnât realize it until late 2014, but Vartouhi has been my outlet for a lot of my subconscious worries, stresses, and fears. There are many examples, but the most prominent is the thing I struggle with the most, even to this day: fear of uncertainty, especially in regards to the future. As I continued to roleplay her, I realized her story was meant to be one of finding self-love. And over the years, with therapy and support from friends and family, as Vartouhi slowly began to put that daunting puzzle together, so did I. As she grew up, so did I. We are both still placing puzzle pieces, working towards that ultimate goal.
So now, Iâd like to take some time to thank some specific people who have been with us on this journey.
MY GOLDEN FOUR:
@lusineinthesky: My best friend since we were at daycare. We got into roleplaying around the same time, on Neopets, and all these years later weâre still at it. Youâve always been a phenomenal writer, and I was honored that you took up Lusineâs role. Youâve taken a small blurb I wrote for her and flourished her into pages and pages of rich character portrayal, character development, and expansion, and Iâm so happy to see all of it. Thank you for taking care of her. Thank you for hearing out my headcanons--I still laugh over the time we were in my room talking about the sea monster and you said Lusine would be like âThis ainât my first rodeoâ to a confused Earthling. Thank you for everything, for being in my life, for being a great rp partner, for being an amazing friend.
@shadowraithsâ: In May 2012, I started my first blog on tumblr rp. I hated it and left it behind to go study abroad in South Korea. While I was abroad, I fell into depression, and came back to tumblr rp to escape. Thatâs when we met--that second blog. So, youâve been there from basically the beginning of the darkest time of my life, shining light with your kindness and friendship. I was such a brat to you so many times, but you forgave me over and over. I still maintain that you give too many chances to people who donât actually deserve them. I just hope that after all this time, Iâve grown into a friend who deserves your forgiveness. You are such a versatile writer with a real gift for setting a mood, and with such a rich and distinctive voice. Thank you for being my friend.
@stellaradeâ: You came into my life when I started Vartouhiâs second blog, right at the beginning. I remember my first message to you, was to tell you that you had mixed up the names somewhere in your pages. I was so nervous to send that message, because your pages were filled with so much detailed, well-written information. I couldnât believe you had followed me, honestly. Your writing and character creation felt, and still feels, way out of my league. But Iâm glad that you closed the gap and continued reaching out to me, anyway. Iâve told you this before, many times, but I truly treasure you. Thank you for all of the advice, all of the times you heard me and gave me your input, all of the understanding and forgiveness, and all of our little, sporadic bursts of conversation--yes, even the ones about Kaisoo.
@xlusoryâ: You also came about early on Vartouhiâs second blog, left, and then came back. You told me you had specifically gone looking for me, because you really liked my muse, and you were glad I was still around. You were the first person to ever say something like that to me, and I was really touched. And you continued to make me feel like my muse and I were appreciated, every time you were curious about Vartouhi or her home world. You and Jongin asked so many questions, and it helped me so much with building her world more and more. To this day, sometimes when I think of their alternate universe where Jongin didnât die and they finally got married, it gives me ideas for new headcanons, as I realize more alien-wife-cultural-difference issues Jongin would run into. Whatâs more, you gave me my first âsuccessfulâ ship, and youâre the only ship partner Iâve ever had that I still keep in contact with to this day. Thank you for always entertaining my endless what-ifs. Thank you for running with my wild ideas. Thank you for being so genuinely interested in Vartouhi and her world. Thank you for being such a precious friend.
ADMIRATIONS AND INSPIRATIONS:
@orphanchenâ: This is going to sound very strange, but your sassiness inspires me. And oddly, the fact that sometimes the sassiness runs out, and it gets to you, and you let it show, is inspiring. Itâs taught me a lot about what is bullshit, what doesnât actually matter. And itâs taught me that sometimes the bullshit is a lot, and it weighs you down, and thatâs normal and no one should fault you for that. Being strong all the time isnât normal and I shouldnât hold myself or anyone else to such an unattainable standard. Itâs not healthy for us. And then, of course, thereâs your resilience. Youâve been around almost as long as Vartouhi has, because Iâm fairly certain we met in 2014. Through all the bullshit, youâve picked up and kept going, and it really helped me do the same. Your musesâ dialogue is most impressive, to me, because you have a lot of threads of conversation, but it stays interesting. Sometimes I wonder if I can ever emulate that, given how weirdly Touhi talks, but with you in mind, I keep trying, at least, and thatâs what matters.
@pseudonyistâ: You were an inspiration back when we first met, with your muse that was a little uniquely mutant, your plot ideas, and your writing. And youâve continued to inspire me since then, no matter the blog or muse. It takes talent to have multiple muses, and have them all so varied and nuanced and interesting. Iâve said before that youâre the sort of writer that makes me want to be better, that motivates me to try harder. That still applies to this day. Thank you for being so kind to me and putting up with my super slow replies. Iâm going to make an effort to be quicker, this time, because I genuinely want to roleplay with you more.
@gujojaâ: Iâve told you before that I was really nervous to talk to you... I really admired your muses, how different they all were but how interesting they all were, and that they were all supernatural and scifi muses. It was like finding a goldmine! And then you seemed funny and nice from what you posted on dash sometimes, and I had such a strong intuition that youâre a really good rp partner, and Iâve never had that kind of sense about an rper I hadnât talked to before. So, I think I was nervous because I really really wanted you to like me--I hoped to be an rp partner you could be excited about, too. Given my slow replies and my short bursts of conversation, Iâm not sure Iâve managed yet, but I hope someday Iâll get there. In the meantime, thank you for being patient with my overeager, awkward self.
@lilvcsxngs: You roleplay how you want, unapologetically, and that is so inspiring to me. You donât sweat the small stuff. Your blog constantly reminds me that rp is about having fun and as long as no oneâs getting hurt, I shouldnât feel so much pressure to be what other people expect me to be. Thank you for that. Thank you for following me again in the first place. I know I reblogged your ad, but still, you didnât have to, and we didnât remember each other right away, but guess what? It means both of us caught each otherâs interest all over again! Which I think bodes really well for our compatibility. You are such a sweetheart and through that, I am slowly coming out of my shell and trusting others more. And, you are so patient with me when I take forever to reply. I know you say I shouldnât worry, but I want to be more like you--so inspired and motivated to write, that I can do replies more frequently. So thank you, for being patient, and for being an inspiration to me to be better.
@kkairon: I canât properly tag you, because Iâm not following you, which is funny considering this post follows the format of a âfollow forever.â You probably donât even get on that blog anymore, or maybe on tumblr at all anymore. Iâve never forgotten the âSend a URL and Iâll give my honest opinion on:â meme you did for me. Itâs something I think about to this day, when Iâm thinking about what Iâd like to do with Vartouhi next. I always admired your characterization of Kai--you really nailed Tony Stark!--and your writing in general, because it was always entertaining to read. Like genuinely so; it was like getting updates for your favorite fanfiction, whenever you posted. You remain a source of inspiration that hasnât faded. Thank you for that.
To date, Iâve made over 3,000 posts for Vartouhiâs blogs. Iâve written over 32 pages of headcanon. Across her blogs, sheâs had over 1,366 followers. Thank you to everyone who was involved. I look forward to Vartouhi and I meeting more people and making more memories in the new year!
random spontaneous gift for @syntheorem bc i love them so much ok bye this is hoon + levis aesthetic bc we were talking about them and how well they work together???
  Ⳡlooking up from reading her book , she smiled at hoon & ruffled his hair . â that's precisely what you are . when you're dead tired , you'll fall asleep anywhere . just like my mom's cat . â a chuckle , before she got into a laying position . â i'll stay here so you can sleep . â coherency is not something the girl cared about , especially when it comes to making her best friend relaxed . he needs to relax . to sleep .
