You came into my life, on a tidal wave of curiosity and excitement.
You showed me a type of love I never knew. Beautiful... Strong... Pure... Hopeful... Bathing me in a light that filled me with nothing but bliss.
We slowly unraveled our lives for each other, weeping from the pain in the process. Yet still managing to shine brilliantly...
I did my best to pick you back up after each of those falls... Looking back, I'm not sure... But I'd like to believe you did the same.
Then life got in the way. My future, my plans... Aggressively colliding with yours, causing the distance to grow between us. Sometimes minor... A week or two. Sometimes major... Months...
I believe... I scared you off once, but you came back. Then, I believe... You scared yourself off, only to return again...
My love, my endurance, my stability... Our brilliant light, having grown weaker with each departure.
Intentions and goals becoming clearer, the gaps growing wider... Our story, hitting it's climax.
We take turns confronting each other on arising issues, slowly whittling our hope away...
Passing hours, feel like weeks, months, years... I grow more and more terrified that our light is soon to fade, not yet realizing the truth...
Life catches my attention again and I briefly forget my troubles...
Seeing a photo that reminds me of your light... I send it to you, still having forgotten of our problems, hoping to the beautiful, loving response I'm used to...
I read your reply, cutting through my forgetful haze and into me like a white-hot knife;
"Why are you messaging me?"
Confusion, hurt, self-loathing and rage. All at once I'm hit with yet another tidal wave, now full of nothing but painful thoughts and emotions.
Recalling an earlier conversation, I've come to realize that you've already decided that our light has been extinguished... Still unaware...
I immediately fly into a rage. Spewing angry, hurtful accusations and personal views. Surrendering all at once to our dying light.
In that moment, reeling from the loss of a piece of my soul, I decide to cut one of our many red strings. Attempting to prevent you from retaliating.
Following this, I breakdown. Mentally and emotionally. Only now deciding to consider the truth... That, despite our struggles, this light had been slowly dying since our first departure. We were merely kicking up as many embers as we could before the inevitable struck.
...a brief moment passes and I decide to take action. Severing any remaining strings I can recall, safe for one I hoped you might not notice.
Despite that, after yet another moment, you tug on that final red strand. Either wanting to receive or provide much needed closure... Likely both.
You attempt to engage me...
Worn down, spent, caught up in lifes distractions. Enough that I am only able to spare a few moments.
You speak of love, of hurt... You speak of trial and error, coming and going.
You speak of remembrance...
I speak of sadness and pain, delusions of hope... Friendship...
I speak of childish things.
For a moment, we find confusion... and eventually: submission.
Weak from multiple struggles, but still determined to keep my dug-in heels firmly in place, I decide it's done. Only then realizing that the decision was made for us only several moments ago.
I step back from my screen, not having the strength to watch as you cut that final red thread...
I lay back, exhausted... Too numb to fully comprehend the situation and too weak to try.
As the days pass I mourn the loss of my hope, my time and energy, my wasted opportunities to be better for you.
Finally contemplating whether to snuff out my own light...
I sit on this for several moments, watching life and even more missed opportunities pass me by as I do.
Opportunities... Not for love, but a healthier, happier life. One with a far more brilliant light than what we once shared.
I sit for several moments on this decision because each missed opportunity has too steep a price... Prices my worn soul can't manage to pay... And I mourn each of those opportunities as well...
