I had a realization today that a lot of the fear I lived with is mostly gone. Do I still have fear? Yes. Absolutely. But it isn't filling my body, mind and entire life. That's what has been so different lately. I've been afraid of everything my whole life. It's been on my mind, in my body, I just could not escape it. And now it's just small doses. Well mostly small doses.
What happened last weekend was awful. My body was flooded with fear. He acted exactly like my ex did. The abusive one from 23 years ago. It's triggered me so bad that I want to throw away the clothes I was wearing last weekend. I did that when I left the ex. Like I threw away everything. He thinks he deserves some medal for stepping back, he thinks he deserves my trust because he's never physically hit me, well he did when we were kids, and yes that's different but it also means he's lying because he says he's never laid a hand on me. That's his defense. That's his reasoning as to why it is okay to rage at me, or anyone. He keeps saying that he's misunderstood. Uhm... you misunderstand yourself. He has no fucking idea who he is, how he comes off. He's so fucking delusional.
I just can't. I'm still trying to get his voice and his poison out of me.
But this did help me with something. It made me realize why I love certain characters, certain type of men so much. Superman, Gilbert Blythe, Patrick Brewer, M, S, T, and possibly D. Because I sense no violence from them, they are kind, nice, peaceful, gentle souls. It's why I'm attracted to F. Because though they seem masculine they have such a peaceful and safe feeling about them.
It's why I love my brother Doug so much. He's so kind and I feel safe around him. He's never aggressive, never mean, and always thoughtful. He really truly is the best of the three. I just wish he could see it and I wish someone saw it and loved him, someone he could love back.
