When I lay in bed at night, struggling to fall into the embrace of sleep, I often end up thinking about the moments that have changed my life and defined me as a person. While this may not be the best idea to lull yourself to sleep, as it does tend to lead to incredulous existentialist questions like, what does this all mean and why are we here? What is the point? This is often where I find my mind wandering to.
The first moment is undoubtedly my Dad’s death. Horrible as it has been, it has shaped the person I have become and taught me to care and appreciate the people in my life a lot more. Another huge one was moving to the school I am currently at, meeting so many incredible people and learning to feel safe. School is difficult nonetheless, but this one is an incredibly special place. Now, I think the Stella’s Girls Write Up must also be added to this list.
The morning of the event, I woke up and immediately a wave of anxiety crashed into my chest, but I fought through it, utterly determined to go. I don’t think I’ve ever been so determined to go to an event before. As soon as I got there and the first speaker began her presentation I felt safe, welcomed, at home almost. I felt as if there was a space for me and I could be anyone I wanted to be. I could be myself, and that there is hope for the world and for my own life. I can not remember the last time I felt like that.
The day was truly profound for me, it opened my eyes to so much and made me think about things in a way I never had before. But most of all, it made me feel like I could be myself, like maybe I would be okay, like I had a place in this world I belonged and like I could fight to do what I wanted.
I have always been a quiet person, never really feeling like I could speak up or stand up for myself. But the day after the Stella Girls Write Up I did exactly that, I stood up for myself. Even my teacher congratulated me afterwards and told me it had made his day. I felt guilty afterwards, like I should have just apologised — apologised for existing, for taking up space, for not being able to cope with the world quite as well as the majority of people seem to — but I didn’t, and it made me feel so much stronger.
This may not seem like a huge deal, and I suppose on the scale of things, it isn’t. But for me in my life, it is a really huge step forward and for the first time in an incredibly long time, I feel like maybe, just maybe I will be okay. I can do something.