#taluspost

[yugioh-ranting-andneathings]

Season 4 of DM is amazing, and here's the proof

[talusailer]

This is what I live with every day. It's amazing.

[talusailer]

CALLOUT POST RETALIATION RETALIATION RETALIATION RETALIATION RETALIATION

Me: We'd literally be giving him like five days worth of lunches that he couldn't pay us back for or return because it'd be a birthday gift! Roommate: *silent typing* *trying desperately not to give in*

[talusailer]

Salad cake update

Roommate: if you freeze lettuce, is it still good?

Me: yes, because it’s still a vegetable.

Roommate: YOU’RE A VEGETABLE!

Me: I’m not in a coma!!

Roommate: WELL YOU SHOULD BE!!!

[yugioh-ranting-andneathings]

I genuinely forgot I had this blog, I'm barely even on Tumblr anyway. I'm probably gonna change it up to branch out from just yugioh, since I've lost most of my passion for it. I dropped off the show a bit into Sevens and Master Duel absolutely tanked the game for me.

Maybe I'll post Vanguard stuff.

[bad-thought-overflow]

New Year's Resolutions

-Improve my writing, then finish a story for once so I can share it.

-Put myself out in the dating world, I'm tired of being alone and inexperienced with relationships. Even if I don't find anything serious I want to meet more people.

-Improve my diet and exercise habits. I don't have any interest in grinding away at a gym, but even going on walks more often would improve my life.

-Stop keeping others at a distance. There's so much I don't let even my closest friends know about me, I'm sick of feeling disconnected.

-Be more helpful and considerate for others, but not so much I become a door mat.

-Maybe come out again to my mom and her family again, since apparently they didn't get the memo last time. Don't think I've heard than much derogatory gay slang since middle school.

-Above everything else, remember: Improving doesn't mean never slipping up, it means not allowing those setbacks to define me.

[bad-thought-overflow]

Wow, I should write characters arguing more often. That shit is cathartic.

[bad-thought-overflow]

I've been lost in thought for about a day and a half now. As my last post stated, I played a furry visual novel called Adastra and it left me with a lot of unchecked emotions. I still start to cry thinking about it for too long, something that hasn't really happened to me since Bojack Horseman.

But what I've really been thinking about is myself. Adastra has a lot of subtext and even just text about being true to yourself, not letting others define you and decide the person you become. It all made me feel... inauthentic. And not in the usual "oh, I'm gay in the midwest and people don't take kindly to my kind" way, but I suppose it's an extension of that. I keep my whole personality constrained, constantly, for everyone in my life. I'm more open with some people, sure, but there genuinely isn't a single person I'm ever totally honest with. Among strangers, I'm a blank brick wall; with coworkers, I'm passibly friendly with a hint of snark; with family, I express my interests and some hobbies; with my friends, I'm the most open about my feelings and the things I care about. All of them come with caveats, no one gets the full story even if I tell them otherwise.

I don't share my writing, or my bad breakdowns, or the fact I'm a furry, and as more of it piles up I'm just left wondering what's wrong with me. It feels awful to sit next to someone, and have them telling me the intimate details of their lives and emotions, only for me to only scratch the surface of mine and pass it off as the whole picture. And ripping off that bandaid could come so easily, I know that better than most, I mean almost every time I've come out to someone as gay it was a sudden act of panic, but then the next bandaid is still sitting there waiting. I'm really overloading myself with metaphor at this point, but the point is that I feel this horrible disconnect from everyone around me, I'm reserved to the point people actually just think I have nothing going on. That I'm chill, easy going, patient. I'm sick of it.

When do I get to talk? When is it my turn to just tell someone my feelings, and my fears, and have them just listen? I can't do therapy, or counseling, because it's transactional. I feel like I'm paying just so they'll sit and nod while I do all the same things I do alone in my room but at a person. I just... I want to feel connected, just once, instead of inventing brand new excuses to not be myself around the people I keep saying are my closest friends.