#teaching thoughts

[tyler-blogs]

Long Post About Adulthood and Not Being Ready

Internally, I feel like I'm in a constant battle between ambition and...something else that I can't quite name.

I want desperately to make a difference in this world. I don't care if my name ends up in a history book. I don't need that kind fo legacy. I just want to die knowing that this world is a noticeably better place because of decisions I made.

That's part of why I became a teacher. There are other reasons, but my desire to help people is a big one. But it's also causing me to look beyond the classroom, because American teachers, for better or worse, have to work within a racist, classist, sexist, and generally flawed system. And although teachers make the biggest impact on students directly (few people have a "favorite principal" from childhood), they have less control over the system. Especially in states with strict anti-union laws.

So to help make the systemic changes we need, I need to become a principal or superintendent. To do that, I need to go back and get my master's degree and maybe event a doctorate, eventually. I'm not worried about whether or not I CAN do that. I definitely can. I'll kill that dissertation one day.

But I'm also just so exhausted.

In a perfect world, I'd pay off my student loans (which will be in 2027 if I apply for the $5,000 teacher student loan forgiveness), THEN go get my master's (and probably more student loans). I will have taught for 9 years, spend 2ish getting my master's, then move into a building level admin role (assistant principal or something) after 11+ years as a classroom teacher. I liked that timeline. That was my plan when I graduated, and my husband was on board with it (because I don't need his approval but it's good to have your partner in crime be on the same wavelength as you, ya know?)

Then I got my first teaching job, and now basically nobody else supports that plan, including my husband. My first year at my school, I got an Educator of the Year award (which is unheard of!!!). I've contributed to a pedagogy book that will be published in a few months. I got voted as favorite staff member by my colleagues in May, the end of my 2nd year. My district is paying for me to take classes so I can be certified to teach ESL students. I've only been teaching for 2 years, but my assistant principal, who I love and consider a friend, "jokingly" asked when I was going to get my degree so I could be Dean of Students. I've taught professional development sessions to colleagues who have been teaching longer than I've been alive, and those colleagues voluntarily attended so I guess they like me. I've become my building's NEA union representative. I'm on my district's new "Virtual Learning Taskforce" that we set up to create guidelines for this school year since we are going 100% virtual until COVID cases go down in my county. My resume is getting so long I can't fit it all even on 2 pages. I'm designing websites and sponsoring clubs and mentoring new teachers and I just don't feel comfortable with the pace of ANY of this.

I want these things. I do. I just didn't expect them to happen so quickly. I was taught in college that your first 5 years as a teacher, you're a mess. Well, apparently I don't look like a mess. I feel like one, though.

So Blake, my husband, started trying to get me to rethink my timeline. Maybe instead of starting my master's after I teach for about 10 years, I could start it around year 7, and then have it done by year 10. And then he started looking up programs for me to apply to. He found 2 and I talked to some colleagues and I've chosen the one I want. I know I can get in. But I'm not applying yet. Because I don't! Feel! Ready!

Why don't I feel ready? I don't know! I really don't. Maybe I don't trust myself? This is what goes through my head when people encourage me to step up, lead people, and go get my master's sooner rather than later:

There was a man in the building where I student taught who said the worst principal he ever had was a young woman who only taught for 5 years before becoming an admin. What if I end up like her? What if I don't have enough experience in the classroom, and my teachers don't trust in my abilities?

Why am I being given all these opportunities? Do I deserve them? I'm a baby. I'm fucking 24. I have 2 years of job experience. Why do these people trust me to do this?

What if I'm taking opportunities from my BIPOC colleagues? Do we really need another white high school principal in a majority minority school district?

Does my awareness of the above bullet point, and the fact that I do try to listen to BIPOC voices, and am doing this specifically so I can dismantle systems like the school to prison pipeline and subpar education received by poor and BIPOC children, make up for the fact that I'd be another white high school principal?

When I sabotage my own success one day by having a manic or depressive episode, what will happen?

Am I really doing this for the right reasons?

Will I miss the classroom too much and regret my decision?

Why do I have the audacity to think I can make a difference at all? I'm not special. I'm not better than anyone else. So why does it have to be me? Is this all secretly about my ego?

So yeah. I just had to write this out. And idk what this accomplished. I still haven't decided what I'll do, but I'll probably finish my ESL certification in May 2021, and then have to start my master's that Fall because everyone will push me to and I don't want to let them down.

[teachwithjamandbread]

Just like you can judge your date’s character by how they treat a waiter, judge a school by how they treat their first year teachers.

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

I really love when a professor will say something like “this is what I’m arguing for in this class.” It can feel at first like it’s making the space combative but it actually does the reverse--by acknowledging that people need to be persuaded to follow the track you’re on and that you’re aware of that persuasion as a process, it takes away the inner (and often outer) tension of being a student disagreeing with what the professor is arguing, or maybe just not on board yet. It’s a much more gentle and convivial way to teach than getting up there and discoursing as though your perspective is just what’s right and what the students need to take in, full stop. 

[linguini17]

Hello, I just found your blog and I thought it'd be amazing if you could answer this dilemma? So, I'm a teacher and on one of my classes a few students asked me what I thought about the LGBT COMMUNITY (they told me they didn't approve it) I didn't know how to explain them my posture without it looking like I wanted to impose myself (it has happened before and I still don't know how I didn't get fired) what should I do? (I'm sorry for any misspelling, english isn't my first language) Thank you

I've been thinking a lot about this, and it reminds me of the time my class (9 and 10 year olds) were convinced that "immigrants are only here to steal British jobs." The fact that they said this quite openly in front of me, an immigrant, told me that they were just spouting off phrases they had heard from older people.

So, I decided to let them discuss. I asked clarifying questions, challenging them without being hostile. "Do we know any immigrants?" I asked them. And after clarifying what an immigrant actually was (!), we discovered that we did, in fact, know quite a few immigrants. Some of them were moms and dads of our friends, or even (gasp!) some people we played with regularly! Even Miss!

I don't know that I changed many minds that day, but the discussion itself was worthwhile.

All of that is to say, my advice is to wait for an opportunity--it will present itself. Then, don't make it about you, make it about the kids. "What I believe shouldn't matter to you as much as you believe. What do you think about the LGBT Community? Why? How do you know? How can we find out?" Present them with facts and ask why. Ask "Why?" seven times if you must. Make them think! There should be that kind of hush in your classroom that you recognize from working on tricky math or writing a serious piece. Don't let them get away with being flippant or rude, but let them talk.

And when it's over, congratulate them for being able to think and question themselves. After all, we all know adults who can't manage it. Thank them for trusting each other to have the conversation. Follow up where you need (where someone feels unheard or frustrated) but otherwise let it be.

And above all, remember to go easy on yourself. You are such a good teacher for even asking the question, for thinking about how to make your pupils better thinkers, and how to be fair and good to them.

Trust in that goodness of intention, and go and do great things.

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[ashrafmo-blog]

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[rambling-camel]

Teachers like mr b make me want to be a teacher in 2 ways. To do better than the negative times and do my best to make sure kids have at least one teacher that they can say helped them. But on the flil side, because of the positive moments that I remember. I want to be that person to someone else.

[bidet-of-evil]

as much as i rant about my students who are total shitheads, there are some that i can see are genuinely struggling with various aspects of college life. for example, their first encounter with being treated like adults. or being scared of making mistakes because they perceive them as failure. i had agreed to meet with a student today who didn't do well on the last two assignments, so that he could do better on the final one. he seemed really scared about his grade. not particularly eager to learn or master the material, but with that sense of panic that comes from "who am i if i can't do this?" during a maybe 10 minute long conversation, he said that he was bad at writing three times. but the thing is, that the ideas he expressed for the assignment were actually way more insightful and thoughtful than most of my students', including those whose whole life revolves around always doing everything correctly. the ones you will never see make a grammar mistake in their papers, but you also won't see a single original thought. so i told this kid that good writing is really all about critical thinking. everyone can learn to articulate their thoughts better, but not everyone is able to think critically (i mean, i think this is a whole other brainwashing thing in education, but i didn't go into that with the student obvs). and i said, "judging from the email you sent me about your ideas, you are able to think critically. you have that skill set. it's just a matter of learning to translate it into words." (and following directions. which i didn't say exactly, but i did encourage him to read the prompt in gray detail and make sure he's actually doing what's asked.) but the point of this story is that when i said that, he all but blushed. he looked so surprised and relieved and said "thank you," but like, i wasn't giving him a *compliment*. i truly believe that it is not my job to flatter or coddle my students. i was just pointing out his strengths because they were evident and he didn't seem aware of them. it makes me sad how effectively our social structures and institutions beat some of us into submission. i just wanted to be like, hey, kid, you're 18 years old. of course you're not a 'good' writer, that's why you're in school! you have so much potential! don't let them knock that out of you! but instead, i added two points to his last assignment to make it a passing grade and offered him an extension.