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PROMPT : A DCMK Harry Potter AU where the genius squad attends Hogwarts as wizards! Take note that I have literally no established idea of plot yet since @tensionmaxx and I were just merely joking about this a few weeks ago, so everything written and to be written in the future (maybe) are rough ideas for our own version of a DCMK Harry Potter AU; meaning, in final layout of plans, things may change and there will be major change.

WORD COUNT : more or less 4, 575 WATCH OUT FOR : inconsistencies and inaccuracies since this is mostly movie-based and I haven’t read the books I apologize in advance

SUMMARY : “Raise your hand if you ever felt personally victimized by Kuroba Kaito.” To be honest, it isn’t surprising that everyone except Heiji raises their hands.

In other words, a compilation of genius squad shenanigan shorts based on my twitter convos with @tensionmaxx and some of my plot bunnies.

i.

“Raise your hand if you ever felt personally victimized by Kuroba Kaito.”

To be honest, it isn’t surprising that everyone except Heiji raises their hands.

Meaning all of Shinichi’s hands, since everyone else are either eating or studying while eating on their table in this Great Hall.

“…You know, it’s scary you’re best friends with him.”

“Kudo, you’re just being paranoid,” says the culprit in his expression of a mother’s exhausted tone, with his notable Osaka cap on his head and his hands leisurely playing with a baseball, waving off his friend’s exasperation over something, or someone at that matter, that Kudo’s started to use muggle slang because as far as Heiji knows him, Kudo speaks muggle only if necessary. Or he bets, when it’s life-threatening.

“Why will he ever want to ‘personally victimize’ you? Kaito’s a good guy.”

“Or what he wants you to believe, Hattori Heiji-kun,” a blond helpfully supplies, as he makes himself comfortable in the conversation by sitting beside Kudo with Heiji on his side, rolling his eyes and muttering “Here we go again” under his breath. However, Hakuba Saguru pays this no mind; though they may be connected in a kinship-sense as living under one house, he acknowledges that some things don’t change and they may be mutually tolerating each other. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, few might say.

“Kudo-kun is right; I have many things listed why Kuroba-kun can personally victimize anyone he likes.”

“Before you go there, I suggest you stop.”

But, a warning is not enough to halt Saguru from retrieving his small notebook, begin sharing his speculations about Kuroba that Shinichi learns Hakuba somehow trusts them with, and Heiji bracing himself for another healthy discussion.

Truth be told, Shinichi doesn’t really have any hard feelings directed at Kuroba Kaito; in fact, he respects his abilities as a skilled wizard as much as he gives respect to anyone studying at Hogwarts. What really gets on his nerves is Kuroba himself; he senses something odd about him, the way he flaunts his muggle and wizardry magic together like a child’s toy, supposedly for fun when it must be used for other practical functions. Shinichi knows that Kuroba isn’t dumb nor is he average, that there’s something more to his theatrical goofing and innocent ‘magician’ persona, but he dislikes it how he seems to take everything here––his studies, his classmates, his teachers––as play when others are trying their best to survive and prepare for their career in this world for the future.

That, and he always tries to impress Shinichi, like any other people, with his ‘tricks’ and sometimes overly display of friendship affection––the same with what he created with Hattori since the only person he knows among his peers who can make Kuroba uncomfortable so far is Hakuba. It’s kind of annoying.

“Ah, perhaps not only you are incompetent, but you are also blind. Kaitou KID cannot skate!”

“Just because Kaito can’t also skate doesn’t mean he’s a thief, but you’re a defective detective with no proof!”

And it’s also kind of annoying when two of his friends might as well grab a microphone to yell at each other and damage Shinichi’s eardrums permanently. Why isn’t anyone here doing anything to stop them? The more important question is how come the professors aren’t noticing this?

Shinichi glances at his classmates and sighs; they’re very much used to Hakuba and Hattori’s bickering like an old married couple that he forgets he’s the only one who needs to adjust, and the only one whose everyone counted on to keep a tab on these two, despite Hakuba who is eyed to be Ravenclaw’s next prefect.

“These facts are proof enough, Hattori-kun.”

“How about we take this to the Field, huh.”

But, sometimes he wonders, are they actual children?

“Very well, since it proves that Quidditch is the only thing you’re good at.”

“And hitting you with a Bludger once I’m through with you, among other things like ‘finding actual evidence first before someone convicts anyone’.”

He takes a deep breath, before slamming both of his hands onto the table and standing between them, enough to divert his friends’ attention to him before he shouts, “Okay, can I get out of here?” since they’re too busy to notice Shinichi’s existence, who’s cornered in the middle of their seating arrangements and friendly argument.

That is certainly an effective move, though he has everyone’s attention now, too. Shinichi resigns to his fate as a professor calls him out and he almost wants to curse that one kid, whose silent laughter seem to echo and bounce against the Great Hall’s walls, across the Hufflepuff table. Still, he might as well go big or go home.

“I can see you, Kuroba!”

“Kudo Shinichi, Kuroba Kaito, one more and it’s ten points from both of your houses!”

“But, Professor, I’m not doing anything?!”

“Ten points from Gryffindor!”

ii.

Before he receives that letter on his eleventh birthday, Shinichi knows what he has to do for the rest of his years in Hogwarts. He prepared more than enough for the day he’ll arrive in the castle he’d always dreamed of to enter and learn all he needed to know to be an Auror, just like his father. He knows where he is and he knows he’s headed to Ravenclaw, the most appropriate choice for truth and knowledge-seekers like him, which is conveniently his parents’ house, too.

And from the first time he ever sees Kuroba Kaito, he swears to Merlin that the kid will be a Slytherin.

“I know, right!” An eleven-year-old Kuroba excitedly tells them––wait, did he say this out loud?––while he’s hanging for his life to catch the train, and Shinichi, along with Hattori, are trying to catch him instead since he’s a crazy bastard who crouches his knees as he sat on a flying car’s chair with an open door, as if he’s going to jump on a magical moving train, which will never stop for anything.

“Hey, mind if you get this first, thanks!” The crazy kid shouts, throwing his bag pack at the trailer’s end where they are. Thanks to Hattori’s reflexes as a baseball fanatic, he immediately catches the drift and pushes Kudo aside to catch the bag; though to his surprise, the force isn’t enough to make them tumble off the train or there is a force that lightened or slowed down the bag.

Shinichi stares as he steadies himself, analyzing how, when Hattori shouts at him and the next thing he knows, he desperately saves a boy from nearly missing the train with his wand out, mouth casting a spell to bring him over the trailer’s platform, just so Shinichi yells at him, “Are you out of your mind!?” and the kid coughing a crappy “I’m fine!” before signaling that his luggage is next.

Blinking his tears away from the wind hitting them, Shinichi hears voices shouting, a man and a woman’s, before he opens his eyes to witness how people usher them to go inside, it’s not safe, why did you do this, who are those, and the crazy kid pushed with them inside their compartment along with another boy.

“That is either stupid or brave of you and I commend all of you for it,” the blond states. “Because in that situation, I would’ve called the staff first before rushing out of my compartment and let them handle it. A shame, really.”

“We would’ve if he isn’t jumping the first time he saw us already,” Hattori defends, slight irritation evident in his tone, while he points a thumb at the crazy boy who already made himself comfortable in the compartment, checking if his things are complete rather than to check if he’s okay. “In that situation, we assessed that the best course of action is to check it out because someone could’ve died there, and at least, we’ll know what to do next since one of us can assist him and the other can alert someone.”

Just as Shinichi took his time to gather his wits and interrogate the boy while he figures Hattori can handle the newcomer, the blond glances at his way and extends a hand, much to Hattori’s disbelieving expression.

Hakuba Saguru, he introduces by shaking hands with him and sparing a nod to Hattori’s way, before he praises Shinichi’s quick spellcasting and Shinichi wondering if the boy watched them before he acted. Hakuba replies he’s at the right time at the right place, even showing him a pocket watch and declaring the minutes they both take to act and Hattori breaks the conversation with a clap.

“So like, you’re also from Japan? Does that mean you flew from there with that car?” He asks, switching to Japanese, highlighting his accent. “Have you seen Osaka because you should see it!”

“Yeah I am, no, I didn’t and not yet, but I’d love to see it,” the boy says, and sheepishly sends a smile at Heiji as he rubs his cheek, one with a band aid which isn’t there before. Switching in English, he continues, “Thanks for lending a hand there…with your friends,” he gestures at Shinichi and Hakuba, “I thought I wouldn’t catch the train.”

“We’re glad to help…” Hakuba remarks in Japanese, Shinichi and Hattori look at him, as he shrugs and the boy they saved introduces his name. In a short time the four of them are together in that compartment, Shinichi concludes that with the way Kuroba Kaito presents himself, he’ll never go at the same path Shinichi lays out for himself; though Hattori seems to set on a similar path since the reason why Hattori flew with him to Scotland is to enroll in the same school to beat Kudo, this Shinichi knows. Plus, Hogwarts showcases opportunities they can experience overseas. He has no idea what Hakuba’s intentions are for now, deciding to stay and befriend them.

And back to the kid who offers them lots of sweets and muggle magic stories in exchange for helping him out there, Shinichi’s sure he’ll fit nicely in Slytherin since the year hasn’t started and he broke a rule already.

Kaito also said it himself proudly with a smile, “I’m going to be a Slytherin, just like my dad!” “…Gryffindor!”

Kaito’s smile freezes on his face.

“Wait, aren’t he supposed to be a Slytherin?”

Heiji helpfully asks for Hakuba and Kudo’s disbelief at the Ravenclaw table.

iii.

“Wait, you don’t even go here,” Shinichi points out, just as he stops Hattori short from entering their room.

“Hmm?”

“Kuroba, this isn’t your dorm,” Hakuba informs with an unpleasant frown on his lips, mirth gone from his eyes five minutes ago, when miraculously, Kaito drops from the conversation and carries on with an intentional silence while stealthily walking with them up to the fifth floor when he should be leaving for the seventh floor.

Kaito looks at Ravenclaw’s supposedly prefect, whispering “Where in bloody hell did you come from?” to which Hakuba responds with an impatient scowl; Kuroba-kun always do this, as if Hakuba will let him crash into their tower and as if he’s in the mood to humor him today.

“Look,” Heiji starts, placing a hand on Kuroba’s shoulder, patting him. Even if he doesn’t glance, he knows by now that Kudo and Hakuba are expecting him to take responsibility for this, since Kudo basically appointed him as Kuroba’s ‘best friend’ the moment they met because Kudo found this ridiculous, and if Hakuba were to subdue Kuroba instead, results are disastrous; Kuroba doesn’t find Hakuba interesting as much as the latter does. Who will, if you are constantly suspected every minute to be one of the greatest wizard thieves in the wizardry world? If Heiji were Kuroba, he’ll never be at ease with Hakuba, too.

“As much as I like you around, you seriously don’t consider going in, do you? You know we can get expelled for this, right?”

“Hattori, out of all people, you can’t do this to me,” Kaito whines like the five-year-old he is, instead of a fifth year wizard student he is, while he waves his hands exasperatedly in the air, glaring at Hakuba mostly. “What’s wrong with you guys, it’s my right to enter a dorm room! I’m practicing my rights as a student of this school!”

“Yes, you should,” Hakuba deadpans. “But not here.”

“Also practicing my rights as a person, I have human rights.”

Shinichi then decides that Kuroba Kaito is literally migraine and trouble incarnated.

“The only right you have is to go to your own dorm room!”

“Wingardium Leviosa!”

“Kuroba, it’s Wing-gar-dium Levi-o-sa! Not Levio-sa!”

“Oh, if you’re so good, then why don’t you do it, Hakuba?”

The feather floats from the table and Kaito wonders why not broomsticks instead. Since they’re the best thing the magic world ever invented. Or conjured. Whatever.

“Wingardium Leviosaaaa!”

“You’re gonna poke an eye out.”

“Shut it, Kudo!”

iv.

“I’m sorry, but how do you keep doing this again?”

“Doing what?” Kaito nonchalantly hums at Hakuba’s question (interrogation), like nothing’s wrong with a Gryffindor who’s currently rummaging his bag of looted sweets and other magical items onto a Ravenclaw table with three Ravenclaw house members currently studying to save their lives for the coming examinations; and currently judging him with the stupid looks on their faces. But, he’s pretty sure it’s just Kudo and Hakuba exaggerating, it can’t be that bad.

“Like, I don’t know, entering the Ravenclaw tower, ambushing our ‘study nights’ even before we come here, and,” Heiji pauses for emphasis as he picks out a box of Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans, popping one in his mouth. “Smuggling the best rewards for our labor, without anyone seeing you besides from us, thanks.”

“Always ready to help a brother out.”

“Okay,” Hakuba interrupts. “But, how do you do this? We know when you try to sneak in, and I’ve taken measures with other students not to let you, or anyone, in––”

“Who knows, you’re all detectives, right? Or at least, what you call yourselves. Figure it out.” Kaito licks an Acid Pop and grimaces, before putting it back in its packet. Hands diving in his pack, he throws three Sugar Quills at Hakuba (while he happily teases, “They said third time’s the charm!”) who continues to glare at him. The only thing that stopped him is pain from the back of his head when someone smacks him.

“This is illegal,” Shinichi says as he holds a sealed cup of Butterbeer, Kaito still clutching the back of his head, and the other two inspect the item; Heiji seems amused while Hakuba clearly disapproves. “Where do you get this? Rather, how do you get this? Don’t you have a life besides from strolling in Hogsmeade?”

Kuroba, the idiot, only replies with a whine. “Can’t I just stay here with you and chill?”

With that, Shinichi places the cup back on the table and goes back to reading his book. He can’t deal with this right now.

“No, you can’t,” Hakuba states with finality, eyes returning to the paper he writes on, though he curses when the Quill he writes with feels sticky, and he hears Kaito laughing.

“Boo, you’re boring! You eat a Sugar Quill, not write with it.”

“Kuroba-kun, the better question is how did you end up in Gryffindor?”

“I don’t know, but I’m glad I’m not in Ravenclaw because I’ll be boring just like you.” At this, Heiji pauses eating the last of his Beans, glancing at the black-haired boy, who quickly saves himself with, “But, Hattori is different from both of you, of course!”

“…If you misbehave more, I’ll take away your house points.”

“I hate you, Hakuba. Clearly, this is misuse of power.”

“No worries, Kuroba-kun; see, I use this for the good of all.”

“Pretentious jerk,” Kaito says with amusement, as he shrugs and bothers himself with taking out more of his merchandise for the night. “Oh wow, I also got Chocolate Frogs, Fizzing Whizzbees, and Jelly Slug––”

“Thank Merlin for your existence, Kuroba Kaito! I’m saved!”

“Hattori Heiji-kun, please don’t encourage him.”

“If you can please shut up for a while, because I’m trying to study here?” Shinichi groans, placing both of his hands on his face. He gives up.

Shinichi swears this is supposed to be a sacred study night with no distractions. He agrees with Hakuba to hold this small gathering when everyone else is sleeping because he’s the only other person with sense while Hattori decides to go with, since he found it out and he can’t sleep anymore. But, Kuroba Kaito happened. Again.

“You two seriously need to get out sometimes,” the cause of everyone’s ruined lives states out of the blue, when he carefully places a Butterbeer in front of Shinichi, while soft snoring can be heard from Hattori and Hakuba already takes a twenty-minute nap after he sets his pocket watch to magically alert him when time runs out. “By that I mean, get an actual life.”

“Right, like, who’s to blame when this school got so many secrets I’d like to solve?”

Kuroba falls quietly, and Shinichi thought he must’ve passed out like the other two because of the Butterbeer while talking with him. He shakes his head, looking up only for the guy to prove him wrong; the way Kaito seriously looks at him, Shinichi tenses, alarms going on. Did he also know? Does he know anything more? Is Shinichi not crazy now to think that maybe, Kaito, can actually be a key to solving the mysteries in this castle because Shinichi knows that he’ll never rest until he figures out what’s happening with all the Death Eaters and Dementors and escaped criminals from Azkaban and linking them to––

“Do you know that one of those secrets is…”

Kaito takes a shaky, nervous breath, gazing away to the window to break their eye contact; the moonlight seems to enhance the shadows on his features, and Shinichi realizes he holds his own breath when Kaito returns his eyes on Shinichi’s and leans close, while speaking low and soft, only for both of them to hear.

“Me.”

Shinichi finally exhales and leans closer to the other. He has to admit Kuroba is good, he didn’t even flinch. The corners of Shinichi’s mouth tug upwards, giving an appreciative smile while whispering in return.

“I see now that this is the reason why this school should’ve have hidden you instead, never to see light again.” “Hey, how do you placate a beast’s wrath?”

“You don’t,” Heiji answers as he digs into the last box of beans Kaito gave him the other night, giving a good-natured pat to Kaito’s back and a soothing balm of advice to heal his conscience or save his life, whatever works first.

“You run away, hide and pray to Dumbledore they don’t find and incinerate you to death.”

Because it’s been a week since Kudo stopped functioning and apparently, depressed Kaito greatly, though honestly, Heiji thinks Kudo just needs his time to recharge, but it didn’t mean to make people, namely his friends, to feel like crap just because he couldn’t take a joke.

What can he do really, it’s Kudo, Heiji sighs and rubs his best friend’s back. Said best friend almost makes a mess of the Ravenclaw table, if Hakuba didn’t save the food Kaito is ready to cross just to poke Shinichi, who’s across him, in the face.

“Shin-chan, you can’t be mad at me all week; I got Butterbeer, everyone loves Butterbeer, what else do you want?”

Hakuba pulls the boy’s robes to stop him and to throw him back at his own house table because he’s making a scandal; the prefect cannot tolerate this, no matter how much privilege Kuroba has for being whatever he excuses to claim as. “This is your fault, Kuroba.”

“Okay, but to be honest, Shin-chan should really find his inner peace.”

“...I told you to stop calling me that.”

“And he’s back!” Heiji announces as if it were a Quidditch match. “Thanks, Kaito!”

v.

“It’s Devil’s Snare!”

“Oh well, at least I know the cause of our highly probable deaths––what do we do, Kuroba?!”

“If we can get it to light or burn…!” Shinichi attempts to calmly declare just so they won’t panic, except that the plant strangles him the more he tries to reach his wand, and he can’t breathe. Out of the corner of his eyes, Heiji and Hakuba struggle; the vines wrapped around Heiji’s arms while the other around Hakuba’s head. He tries to be still, but so much little movement is enough for the plant to be more hostile and deadly.

“Don’t move! Don’t move at all! Let it be!” Kaito states as he calms down while the plant wraps roughly around his whole body and eventually, pushes him further into the plant’s hold; the three unable to see anything of him anymore. Heiji yells, just before the plant moves faster to hold them all; tears prickle and drop from Hakuba’s eyes due to lack of oxygen; and Shinichi, will the plant break his wrist first––just as a shout and light from below enable a shrieking sound, and the feel of the floor beneath their bodies return.

Kaito lends a hand for Kudo to take, after he made sure Hattori and Hakuba are fine.

“So, you said something about a light.”

“How did you know?” Shinichi shuts his eyes as he takes the hand to help him up, and Kaito gives him an incredulous look.

“I study? I’m also a student here, remember?”

“I doubt it.”

“You’re supposed to thank me but this is why you’re the best, Shin-chan.”

vi.

It’s one of those nights.

“Hey Hattori, by any chance, are you related to Kuroba?” Shinichi asks curiously, taking the last drink from the last Butterbeer in his hand.

The boy in question busily plays with a baseball again while leisurely slumps his body against the chair’s back, and gives a contemplating expression. “If another lifetime, maybe?”

“No, I mean…now.”

Heiji gives a solemn stare at Kudo. “Sadly, no.”

“Why are you even sad about it,” Hakuba states, as he unwillingly eats a piece of his Sugar Quill; there are no other edible foods left that he favors and this is tolerable enough. After all, glucose is necessary for a brain to function until dawn.

The comment is enough to make Shinichi chuckle under his breath. No wonder why even Hakuba passed out after a few cups of this thing. “Bloody hell, I regret asking about this…Okay, but can you imagine them as siblings? Like, by blood, brothers?”

Hakuba looks at Shinichi, putting the Quill down, as if Kudo asked him to hand over his liver right now. “No.”

“Oh come on, why the hell are we not?” Another voice boomed with feigned hurt from the corner, as Kaito steps into the light to sit beside Hattori and place his arm around the other; chocolate-coated fingers poking Hattori’s cheeks. “We’re totally brothers!”

Heiji answers with a playful gentle elbow nudge at Kuroba’s ribs, letting the other get away with smearing chocolate over his face. “I suppose so, since Kaito brings me the best stuff anyway. Like right now. Perfect timing, you got those Beans?”

“And that is called bribery.”

“Kuroba, why are you here.”

“To get you guys out of your misery, that’s why,” Kaito states with a laugh, as if he made this his life mission to smuggle looted Hogsmeade food and drinks, and breaking into Ravenclaw Tower to feed his poor, sleep-deprived children. He raises an eyebrow with amusement at Hakuba before throwing three more Sugar Quill at his face; Hakuba catching them, supposedly since they’re on a truce, and giving Hattori his Beans and Jelly Slugs.

He lands another Butterbeer and set of Choco Balls in front of Kudo and away from his books. Shinichi smirks at their gracious illegal beer benefactor while Kuroba absent-mindedly munches two of his given Choco balls from Shinichi’s share; perfectly aware Kudo lets him get away with it, so he still does it anyway.

“Probably to sneak into our conversations instead,” Shinichi comments, and Hakuba nods. “Sneaky like KID.”

Kuroba’s eyes budge, choking as he pounds his chest to cough and remember to breathe (“For the last time, I’m not Kaitou KID!”) while Heiji laughs from his corner, saying, “This never gets old.”

This, meaning Hakuba and Kudo teaming up to get back on Kaito’s pranks by speculating that Kaitou KID, one of the greatest wizard thieves in the world, is a law-breaking, Ravenclaw Tower-trespassing student with good taste in food just because his name coincidentally is similar to the Phantom Thief’s title. And Kaito defends with his life every time.

Or not, when he sits down and grabs a Butterbeer himself, purposely finds an angle from the windows to emphasize the shadows on his face as he grins mischievously; though his eyes are serious and focused, which is a rare occurrence for someone like Kuroba.

“One night, I’ll slip in here and kill all of you in your sleep.”

The smile on Heiji’s mouth fades slowly while Hakuba glances questioningly at Kudo, who shrugs and gulps another from his own drink. “You won’t.”

And Kaito returns to being an idiot, raising his hands in defeat.

“Haha, you got me! Of course I won’t, I love you guys, my bros, my fam––”

“Please stop.”

“Besides, it’s illegal to use a killing curse,” Heiji chimes in, smile returning to his face, as he points at Kuroba with a Jelly Slug before chomping on it. “And not on our watch.”

“But, I can still kill you without magic, you know!”

“Kuroba-kun, once again, why are you in Gryffindor?” Hakuba frowns. Clearly, the Sorting Hat made a mistake. Or maybe, Kuroba Kaito is a mistake himself.

A question that Shinichi already gave up on answering a long time ago, since the Sorting Hat’s decisions are final; perhaps, Kuroba is one, if not only of Hogwarts, but of the world’s mysteries and he can’t solve a person. But, he can solve mysteries around the person, Shinichi muses, as he stands up to gather his things and walk away. That Butterbeer is catching up to his system.

“I’m leaving first, good night.”

“Okay, but how will you kill us, Kaito? Humor your best buddy.”

“Hattori-kun, no.”

“Shin-chan, you crybaby, come back!”

“Don’t even think about the curses, Kuroba-kun.”

“Shin-chan!”

“I can’t hear you, come back later.”

vii.

“Why?”

Flames engulf the room, so do anger and confusion at Shinichi, the last one remaining; worry for himself and his other companions are the least of his problems. Hattori and Hakuba may be injured, but at least, the enemy hasn’t noticed them yet, giving them one advantage to contact the other professors, if Shinichi can think of a way to instruct them of what to do. To tell them to pinch him because he may still be hallucinating from the blow he received when the levitation spell dropped him on the floor, and Kaito is suddenly standing in front of the mirror, beside that bloody traitor.

A muggle gun and a wizard’s wand in hands.

A theatrical, mischievous grin on his face.

The stone in his pocket.

“Because I’m a thief, Detective-kun. Told you, I can kill without magic.”

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