#the roommate chronicles

[thatdykepunkslut]

MY HOUSEMATE IS GETTING FUCKING MARRIED AND MOVING TO FUCKING GEORGIA AND SHE CHOOSES TO TELL US THIS 2 WEEKS BEFORE OUR LEASE IS DUE TO BE RE-SIGNED???

WHAT THE FUCK???????????

[milk-carton-whump]

Jo and I were talking about how I should probably go to bed and it went like this.

Jo: "Foster you need to go to bed."

Me: "why?"

Jo:" you'll be extra tired"

Me: "Oh well, I took a nap today."

Jo: "I know."

Me: "did you see me???"

Jo: "no. But you didn't respond to one of my texts right away, that's how I know."

Me: "Wha-!?!"

True story lol @frizzy-a

[thatdykepunkslut]

Just had the most harrowing experience of my life. My roommate was singing the Hannah Montana transition stings and I was like "You are getting dangerously close to Mariah Carey." And he, my other roommate, and our friend that was over immediately broke into song so I bit him. But then he tried to bite me back and we got caught in this What We Do In The Shadows-esque battle, spinning around and chomping and growling at each other while the other 2 started jumping up and down as they sang.

It didn't stop until they were screeching the bridge section and he had pulled me onto his back and we were in a death spiral and I was screaming and my other roommate had to intervene before we got flung off into oblivion (the large wood table next to us)

[thatdykepunkslut]

Still thinking about the guy who came over to our house after a rave and saw the pile of books on the table and was like "Do y'all actually read those or are they just for show?"

All of them had library stickers on the side. Buddy... you think we fucking checked out a bunch of books before the show in the off chance someone would see them and think we're smart?

Also this question was directed to my roommate who can read an entire page of standard font text on a phone screen in 2 seconds. Like yeah, they NEED a stack of books because they do not make books long enough to last them between visits.

I mean tbf I'm surprised he was able to fucking speak with all the shit he was on but I'm just glad he didn't ask about the boardgame shelf because we actually haven't played like any of those.

[thatdykepunkslut]

My roommate made me give him my twitter so he could send my twitter posts directly and then spent the next 10 minutes scrolling through my account critiquing my taste in porn (because why the fuck else would you have a twitter these days) and being amazed at the size of things people can fit in their body.

Like his entire account isn't transformers doing brain surgery and that guy from GTA eating human flesh.

[thatdykepunkslut]

Warning all: my roommate said that they are coming to eat my tumblr and none of you are safe :/

Now back to your regularly scheduled blogging

[thatdykepunkslut]

*walks into the kitchen to get some water*

*my roommate is sitting with his back to me, holding and slowly squeezing a ball of goop in his be-gloved hands*

me: I think I'm having a secondary character in a cronenberg movie moment.

him, having a primary character in a cronenberg movie moment: "Dude. I think I'm getting a boner. I'm like a first-ary cronenberg [incomprehensible]. Wow the slime is making me so hard I can't even word properly. I think the latex is really doing it for me too."

Now I'm just listening to him blowing into the gloves for some reason with the absolutely unhinged grin he gave me when he spun around permanently etched into my brain.

[milk-carton-whump]

Jo: its funny cuz I'll hear you quietly laugh downstairs and then *mimics phone notification sound* I see you sent it to me.