#the squared circus

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Sometimes a wrestler swaps out the WWEShop link in his bio for a PWT link and you start crying because you still kind of can’t believe he’s actually out. I’ve written enough about Johnny that y’all know how I am about him if you’ve been here for a while, so I don’t even have any grand words about him leaving. I’m just glad. So glad.

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Legitimately crying from how much I love Johnny Gargano, this is an embarrassing night but I really hope whatever he does next is what’s best for him. I’m grateful for what he’s given us so far.

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I want to say something about Evil, but I can’t seem to make myself. All I have is wailing and betrayal, affecting me in real life no matter how little sense that makes. I’ve seen people’s potential reasons this makes sense, or where they think it could be going, and I just don’t care, and can’t engage with them at all. I don’t want to talk about how Evil had been feeling overshadowed for a long time, because while that’s true, it isn’t the point. I don’t want to see reason. I’m just hurt.

When Johnny faked an injury while teaming with Tommaso, revealing that he’d only been pretending to be a heel, I felt betrayed not only by the action but by how little sense I felt it made. Regardless of the obvious revenge attempt, something was being left unsaid that made the double turn more upsetting than a mere storyline would have been. And for a long time, all I could do was complain. I didn’t want to reason out how it might have made sense, I was just angry that it had happened at all. And it was very easy to stew in that anger and sadness, because I was the only person I knew who cared enough about the DIY story to talk about it, so I didn’t have to ignore any words but my own. And I finally came to terms with it, but it took a year and Johnny personally telling me what they hadn’t been able to explain on the show. Without that distance and explanation, I’d probably still be upset about it.

With Evil, I can’t ignore it. Everyone else is talking about it, and trying to make sense of it and/or grieving in their own way, and I can’t shunt that to the side. But all my usual efforts to look for meaning in facial expressions and tones of voice, to find clues when the wrestlers inevitably fail to tell the whole truth, are falling flat here. Because I don’t actually want to understand why this happened. I want it not to have happened at all. If there’s a solid understandable explanation, that means it’s real and can’t be taken back, and we just have to live with it. I’m just not OK with that, and I don’t know when I will be, so I don’t know how much I can engage for a while.

Please take as a given that I’m embarrassed to be this affected, but please also take as a given that you can hush. A lot of horrible things are happening in the world right now, and for a long time LIJ have been the safe faction, the one where drama never sticks and they support each other regardless. To lose that now is deeply painful, and I don’t know what to do.

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I’m done.

The DIY story was all that was tying me to WWE for the past year and change, and that’s over, and I’m done. I’m probably not even going to write up what I was planning about their last match, because I’m so disgusted with this company. They do evil things every month and we look past it and I’m just not looking past it anymore. I have WWE stuff in my queue and there are people who work there whom I like but I can’t stomach even illegally watching their shit anymore. Not even NXT. Not even for Johnny and Tommaso’s new individual stories. It’s not worth it. I’ve felt sick to my stomach about this all day. How disingenuous it was to first say they were furloughing people - honestly bad enough, when they have that much money - and then announce the firings. The utter lack of even basic corporate loyalty, what that sort of overlord normally eats up. Firing Drake Maverick in particular and then “allowing” him to work one last match tonight, and he has to be grateful because it’s a paycheck but also they had a choice and they didn’t have to put him or themselves in that position. I’m so angry and so sad for these people. I’m done, never again.

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In a couple days I might talk about their actual match. I’ve been making a project of watching their pre-WWE singles matches, and going from that relative playfulness to... tonight’s show? Was kind of overwhelming! I have thoughts, so many of them, but as previously detailed: I feel embarrassed about them. But something within me drives me on to create this embarrassing content, so I’m sure I won’t be able to stop myself from sharing my feelings all over the place.

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I think it would be nice to be able to like things - even recognizing that some of those things are irrational hyperfixations - without feeling rejected because other people don’t like them. Liking wrestling is already embarrassing, liking a WWE product is even more embarrassing, and being emotionally invested in the Gargano/Ciampa storyline is the most embarrassing thing of all. Generally I can forget that most people of my acquaintance think my love of wrestling is silly, but when something I love is considered cringey even within my wrestling-centric circle, I feel the need to shrink away into nothingness and lock my accounts and never make content again.

Yesterday I wrote a twitter thread about their story, and Johnny retweeted it, and told me “You put as much thought into this as I do”, and explained bits of the story to me. Tonight I want to delete my twitter because I’m convinced everyone who follows me thinks I’m ridiculous (except for the people who followed me based on the meta, who will soon see that I don’t plan to watch any more NXT now that they’ve had their final match, and unfollow). Brains are unreasonable.

I just love their story so much, but I feel embarrassed to express that. You may be shocked to realize that I’m embarrassed of something I never shut up about, but somehow I can manage it. And it’s not gonna stop, because the reason I’m embarrassed is that other people indicate that it’s embarrassing. Even without saying it to my face, the way they talk about it makes it obvious. But I wouldn’t force people to share my opinions even if I could, so it just... makes me sad.

This isn’t really a wrestling post, in the larger scheme of things, but also this is fundamentally my personal blog, not a Platform for Content, so it’s OK.

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So as requested by @f00t-fic, this is my Zack/Despy playlist. The only order it’s in is the order these songs were uploaded to my iTunes, it’s not remotely thematic, but these are my songs for them in any case. (You’re gonna laugh as soon as you click that link, but listen: I’m right.)

I also have a DIY playlist, with a much smaller audience among my general sphere, but I do like it.

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OK, well, over a month ago I was tagged in this by @fallynleaf and @miloloveswrestling, and I’m... finally getting around to doing it!

top three ships: Like of all time, or the moment? Because I’m still pretty Harry/Draco at my core, but I can’t remember the last time I read anything about them. I guess it’s easier to name my current top three, so... Zack Sabre Jr/El Desperado, Johnny Gargano/Tommaso Ciampa/Candice LeRae, and... shit, who else? Naito/Bushi by default.

last movie: Parasite.

lipstick or chapstick: Neither, they both make my lips feel awkward. And I’ve noticed chapstick tends to be self-perpetuating, in that as it dries on my lips I want to apply more, so I don’t trust it.

watching: Wrestling. Pretty much nothing else. Most recently the DDT show from last night, but aside from that it’s mainly New Japan. And... NXT again a little, I’m sorry for who I am as a person.

last song: Horslips - Ride To Hell. This is the last song from their album “The Book of Invasions: A Celtic Symphony”, based on the Lebor Gabála Érenn, the founding mythology of the various ages of Ireland. If you like Celtic rock and/or folk rock and/or fantasy rock, I highly recommend the whole album.

reading: Currently I’m very slowly reading "Soledad Brother: The Prison Letters of George Jackson”, and also several of Tolstoy’s works on Christian pacifism. 

playing: i just finished my most recent Dragon Age cycle (I go through a couple of those every year, it’s my default), and now I’m playing Dream Daddy as if the player character were Jay White. (My most recent Warden and Hawke were based on Kota and Hiromu respectively, so I’m continuing a theme.)