#the5050fates

[maebeebooks]

Just so you know.

If you click the tag in this post you can read the first chapters of my book.

[maebeebooks]

The 50/50 Fates Chapter 7

The Melody Party

Stacy

April 7

“Life is better lived as who you are, then who you are not” Stacy, 2016. I made my own quote! I think it sounds very intelligent! Like I'm some old rich girl in a tower writing poetry.

I've been thinking about wearing makeup and a dress to the party, but Sandra doesn't seem to think that's a good idea.

I met her at my locker and told her my idea and she told me:

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." Sandra states "Transgender people have been hurt a lot for being themselves."

To that I said.

"But why?"

And she shrugged.

It's makes me think. “Why do people act that way?”

I need to focus. I'm in class.

Is it weird that I only know one person in my own school? It seems like everyone else is just a blur. Background noise just there. Anyway, it’s lunch and I'm sitting in the janitor’s closet, with Sandra.

“I won’t be able to go to the party.”

“Why,” I asked,

“My parents want me to go on a trip with them.” Sandra replied “For some family ‘bonding’”

I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn't wear a dress to the party. But I really want too.

"I think you shouldn't do it." Sandra says

"Huh..."

"I think you shouldn't wear the dress." Sandra repeats "You'll endanger yourself."

But…  

I really want too...

Chris

April 7

The package is coming today. I'm feeling a little better and I think I'm going to the Melody Party today. Maybe I'll meet one of those other trans kids at the party. But I doubt it.

I didn't feel like going to school today, but Mom made me go anyway. I groan and slam my locker shut and go to the cafeteria.

I walk over to Macy and... Ella is not at the table.

"Hey Macy." I wave.

"Hi Penelope."

Macy is a cliché, she's basically a mean girl just without the ice-cold meanness. She's on the cheerleading squad and is head of the student committee. The real mean girl is Linda. Now she is ice cold. Macy is like Linda's nicer twin sister even though they're not twins... Or sisters… Linda is the kind of mean girl who finds someone who is not normal—like me— and makes their life horrible. Tries to take the love of their life from them. Horrible stuff. Sometimes I wonder who could be the trans kids in this school. I know I'm one and that's it. I don't think Macy is trans. Or Ella. I don't know anyone else. It's like everyone else in this school is just background noise. Nothing at all that you notice but it's still there. I need to meet new people. Maybe if I tell someone they could help me with finding everyone.  

"Hey Macy?"

"Yeah?" Macy looks over.

“Should I tell her?”

"I.."

No don't tell someone else. Macy won't get it.

"Never mind."

Stacy

April 7

I'm feeling weird… like sad and happy at the same time. Do you think that's possible? I don't know, it doesn't sound possible. To feel opposites at the same time.

I'm watching Sandra get in her parents’ car. As her Mom hits the gas Sandra rolls down the windows.

"Stacy! Believe in yourself. Find someone else to talk to. Someone you trust. I’ll be back the day before the Melody Speech!" Sandra does a peace sign —"Good luck!"— and drives away. It's about 4:30 so I head home. I must find the perfect outfit.

It's 5:30 and I finally found it. Not too boyish but a little more girly. A t-shirt that says, “I look good, don't I?” and some dirty jeans. I walk back. The walk there is about ten minutes long so I get there at 5:40. I can hear the bass of the music from the front of the school. I head around to the outdoor area to find that the grass is light yellow. Huh, it really complements the pink streamers that have been placed around on poles. The big bowl of punch is in the center and there's food near the edges of the stands. There’re so many people. Just like one big organism—word of the day— dancing together. I walk to the punch, grab a cup and get some punch. I take a sip. It burns the back of my throat. I guess Sandra was right about the punch having alcohol in it.  

There's this girl being pulled off the punch table. She's screaming “no!!!” while two girls are pulling her away. She must've drunk a lot of the punch already.

I'm looking at this happening and one of the girls lock eyes with me.

Chris

April 7

I'm going to the party. The package says it was delayed. I'm feeling annoyed. Maybe I should drink a little extra punch this time.

I got to the party early to set up, but when I got there it was already set up and guess what. The punch was in these big bottles and I tried some. It had alcohol in it! So, it’s either packaged that way or someone is pouring alcohol into the bottles somehow. I suspect the first one. I waited until people started coming in. The music started blasting, and everyone was dancing.  

It's around 5:44 and Ella's hugging the punch table. I walk over to Macy who's getting some food.  

"Can you help me get Ella away from the punch?" I say

"Sure." Macy walks over with me.

Ella seems already really drunk.

"Ella." Macy grabs Ella's hand "You've had enough punch."

"No, I haven't." Ella slurs—nu uh I haveeeent—.

"Come on," Macy pulls on Ella " Penelope help me."

I grab Ella's other hand and start pulling.

"Ella come on." Macy pulls harder, slowly moving her away.

"Noo" Ella whines.

I look around. Is everyone watching this happen?

No nobody. Oh wait. Some tall guy is staring at us.

Weird. I let go of Ella's hand and get some punch.

I start sipping it.  

Macy's basically dragging Ella away. I walk over to the guy. I feel like I’m... I don't know. It's like I feel like I should go talk to him.

"Hello." I say, sipping punch.

Stacy

April 7

The girl is walking over.  

"Hello."

"Hi," I say in a high-pitched voice.  

The girl looks at me weird. I must be really drunk. I drank two cups already.

"So… how are you." My voice cracks. Movies are different than real life. In that movie I watched with Sandra the person says 'how are you' in a confident voice. I don't know how to do that.

"Good. Good." The girl gets more punch since we're right next to the table. I get some too.

I feel lighter… weird right? I've drank like six cups of the punch. I can't really think straight. I can't see straight either.

I've sat down with the girl and we're talking about the school.

"Isn't it weird that we get Melody Nagamine. Not some war hero?" She slurs in between sips.  

"Yeah, where's the girl who fought for equality?" I spit

"We don't have one in this school." She mumbles "it's weird that most of our school is just normal except the two percent who are trans.."

"What do you mean?" I garble. What. Do you mean.

"Two percent of students in high school are transgender."  

"And I'm the two percent."

"Really! Me too." I knock over my drink.

"Oh, that’s cool." She —"he?”— says “do you think we should tell anyone?"

I. have. a. idea.

"I have an idea." I mumble.

[maebeebooks]

 The 50/50 Fates Chapter 6

Chapter 6: The Chest Problem January 751, 20108 Time: 50:5050 PMAM I get up from my tent and go wake up Alea. When I zip open the tent, Alea is snuggling with her little stuffed anime bear. I take a huge breath. “GET UP ALEA!” Alea jumps up. I blink and she already has her hiking gear on. “What are you waiting for? Get dressed!” I run into my tent and grab my stuff. I then meet Alea in a clearing with a mountain near it. Alea starts climbing up the mountain. I rush up to follow her. The mountain suddenly stops and we are on a cliff. Alea looks down. “Cool.” Alea points in the darkness, “Come on, look.” I walk up to the edge. Afraid. I turn to Alea ready to tell her I want to go, but when I turn Alea pushes me. I lose my balance and tumble off the edge. Wind whistles around me. I look at Elena. Elena? Elena! I scream and just before I hit the ground I wake. May 21, 2018 Time: 6:20 AM I really want to go to Amber’s house. My parents said no and that really confuses me. Like me and Amber have been dating since I was 15 and now, they won’t let me see her. I text Amber the news. Lydia: I can’t go. Lydia: My parent’s said no. Amber: and you’re going to take no as your answer?! Lydia: Well, I thought there was no way. Amber: Oh, there’s a way. Amber: What’s your address? Lydia: Why? What are you going to do? Amber: If you can’t come to me then I’m going to you. Lydia: What! No do come over! Lydia: ahh autocorrect Amber: Ha, you want me to come over. Amber: I’m coming over no matter what you tell me. Amber: Just remember you will look fabulous when I’m done. Lydia: (: YES, DO IT!! COME OVER. I may have pleaded a little more after that. But before Amber could come over, I would have to face my parent’s at dinner. I’m very conflicted, one side of me is telling me that everything will be fine since you talked to your parents about this before. But the other side is like hiding in a corner crying. I had fainted in the car and my mom had just gotten home when I woke up. So, my mom probably thought I fell asleep. Now I’m walking down the hallway calming myself down. I breath in and out. Then I walk into the dining room. I take a seat and my parents are both staring at me. They seem to be trying to figure something out. Thomas is already at the table and he’s giving me a ha-ha you’re in trouble look. I glare at him, when mom gets up. “Leo, are you okay?” Mom askes as she leans over the table to get more food. I nod. Dad looks at me. Dad looks like he’s about to say something. Ding. Someone is texting me. I pull out my phone and see that Amber texted me. Amber: I see you! What does that mean? I look around at the windows. Right above the kitchen sink, Amber is looking into the house. She waves at me and makes a silly face. I almost laugh but all that comes out is ha—. “What?” Mom looks at me, eyebrows raised. “Nothing… May I be excused.” My voice cracks on “excused” but Mom nods and I go to my room. The wave crashes against my legs making my legs wobbly. May 22, 2018 Time: 12:40 AM “So, which bra do you want?” Amber holds up a purple and black sports bra and a red and white one. Amber snuck into my room after dinner and asked me questions. Mostly they were like measurement questions or if there’s something I want specifically. I really just want her to fix my chest so, I told her my cup size and Amber just left after that. As I was waiting, I may have like bitten my nails down to little nubs. I was so excited, I thought about all those clothes and being happy again that I almost started crying. But before I could Amber came back a couple seconds ago with a bunch of bags. She dropped the bags to the floor and pulled out the bras. I point at the black and purple one. I’m practically hopping up and down when Amber hands me it. “You know how to put it on right?” I think for a second. “Yes, I do.” I hold it, “It’s like putting on a backpack, right?” Amber laughs and gives me a smile.  “Yes, basically.” 

I put one hand through and put the bra on. I close my eyes and look down.  I lay my hands on my chest and I feel a wave crashing over me but, it’s not the normal wave. It feels good. This feels so good. I feel correct again. My body is right. It’s correct. I remember wishing when I was younger for someone to fix me. Did the magical fairy come? Is this body mine? Did the angels fix my body?  Did whoever is up there fix me? I lift one hand off of my chest and slowly gravitate it to my groin. When my hand touches it, I feel the wave crash over me bigger than the other wave. The happy one. 

Opening my eyes, I start to bawl.  “Lydia, calm down.” I feel Amber wrap her hands around me, squeezing me gently.

“Why can’t I be normal?” I cry, and start to sink to the ground. Amber goes down with me. She starts whispering, calming me. I’m laying down on top of her, still crying when Amber whispers.  

“You are a girl, Lydia.” “You are normal.” 

I feel the happy wave try to battle over the murky wave. I try and shield my face from the murky wave but I can’t stop it. The happy wave gets taken over by the murky wave. I turn my head to Amber and our faces are inches away. I look into her eyes. Her beautiful brown eyes. I feel like crying but suddenly the murky wave is gone. I start to close my eyes and lean towards her lips when SLAM “What the hell?!” 

May 22, 2018

 Time: 12:59 AM 

Laughing. Loud laughing is what I hear. Amber and I jump apart. Thomas is standing at the door, pointing at my chest. 

“What are you wearing?” Thomas laughs at me. 

“And who is this?” I cover my chest and look for my shirt somewhere. 

“What is this!?!” A voice shouts and I know who it is. 

Mom walks into the room, looking super confused.   Amber seems to have attempted to fade into the closet but Mom sees her. 

“Who are you? What are you doing with my son?” I flinch and my knees go weak. I start to fall but Amber is already behind me holding me up whispering, “You can do this Lydia.”  

“I’m Amber and Lydia and me were just—” 

“Lydia?” I look at Mom. I really look at her. I’m scared. My whole body is petrified, but I manage to get out the words. 

“Mom, I-I” I can’t do it. I feel this wave overcome my body and I lose myself in it. I’m drowning slowly sinking down to the bottom of the sea.  

“Lydia, fight it.” I hear coming from the surface and suddenly I have the strength to keep going. I swim and swim. I push the water below me propelling me forward until I hit the surface and say out loud. 

“Mom, I’m transgender.” I look at Thomas and Mom, Thomas has a sour look but Mom, somehow has a smile on her face. 

“I knew it.” She mumbles.  

“Excuse me, what?” Amber askes, looking surprised. 

“I knew it.” Mom repeats, “You’ve told me that before.” 

“What?” I blurt out. “Well maybe not in the same words but...” 

You were only six years old and we were going to a birthday party at the pool. You were getting dressed and you had called out to me. 

“Mom!” I rushed into the bathroom to see that you’re not even close to dressed. “What’s wrong?”

 You paused not saying anything. 

“Somethings wrong with...” You pointed down at your privates. What? What’s wrong?  

 “What’s wrong with it?” I ask. “It’s not right.”  

I walked up to you and took a look.  I don’t see anything wrong with it. 

“I don’t see anything wrong with it.” I stated. 

“It’s supposed to be like…” You paused. “a… What’s the word?”

 “A… va…”  Pause. “It’s what girls have.” 

You finally said. “Why do you think you should have that?” I asked. 

“Because… I’m a girl.” 

[maebeebooks]

The 50/50 Fates Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Kevin, The Jerk/Meanie

May 21, 2018 Time: 8:45 AM “Now go to page 555 to learn about human genetics,” Mr. Howard states. I flip to page 555 and read the first paragraph, Egg cells all contain an X chromosome, while sperm cells contain an X or Y chromosome. Typically, in mammals, the gender of an organism is determined by the sex chromosomes. In the case of humans, this happens to be the X and the Y chromosomes. So, as you may recall, if you are XX, you are female. If you are XY, you are male. I shouldn’t have read that. I shouldn’t have started laughing. But I did and I couldn’t stop it. “Mr. Turner, you are disrupting the class!”  Mr. Howard shouts. MISTER!? I keep laughing uncontrollably, I can’t stop. Mr. Howard looks terrified of me and everyone must think I’m crazy. He frantically looks around, picking the first student he sees. “Elena can you escort Mr.—I laugh louder— Turner to Ms. Rose.” Elena jumps up, rushes over to me, grabs my arm and pulls me out of the room in less than twenty seconds. We are all the way down the hall when I stop laughing. We round a corner and Elena pushes me against a locker. “What is wrong with you?” Elena yells. What? “First, you stare at me on the bus, then you tell me some stupid stuff about your body, THEN you start laughing really loud like you’ve gone mad.”  “What is wrong with you!?” I’m very confused. I thought we were friends. What about yesterday? We went to a dress store and bought dresses for prom. What has happened to us? “You don’t remember yesterday?” I ask, then I feel the wave crash over me again. I slide down to the floor, curl up into a ball and start sobbing. “What? Yesterday?” Elena looks down at me. “What happened yesterday?” I stay silent until the wave gives me air to breathe. “We bought dresses for prom…” The wave smashes against me, harder than ever. My eyes stop working, everything is blurry and my ears aren’t working. I don’t hear Elena talking to me. I don’t see her pull me up and basically drag me down the hallway. We are down the hall, turning a corner when, I start to feel better. Then someone comes from around the corner. I feel Elena immediately tense up. Kevin, with his buzz cut and goatee stands in front of us. “Look what we have here... What’s up Maneo.” Kevin nods to me. I feel sick. I do not what to be a part of the stupid guy nod, but I know I have to. I nod and the wave crashes over me, but I try to swim over it. I stay standing. I don’t crumple to the floor and cry. I stand. “Hey girl.” Kevin winks at Elena. Elena’s face flashes with disgust. “We were just leaving.” We try moving past Kevin but he stops us. “Hey, I was talking to you...” Kevin looks at me. “The rumors are true…” Kevin looks from Elena to me.  “You two are dating.” “No—” Elena starts. “I was talking to Maneo!” Kevin interrupts. “So, how far you got?” Kevin whispers. I have no idea how to answer that. I don’t want to answer that. “Hello? Maneo?!” I still don’t say anything. I have nothing to say to this jerk. Kevin runs up to me and pulls me up into the air before Elena can try to stop him. I don’t make a sound. “Hello?!” Kevin stares into my eyes, angrily. “You know what I’m done with all these people not listening to me.” The last thing I see is his fist going to my face. I can’t see but I can feel. It feels like he was hitting me for hours. When I thought he was gone I say. “My body deserves this.” Then I black out.

June 20, 2017 Time: 7:00 PM

“Honey, that dress is absolutely beautiful.” Mom says at dinner. “Yeah, Amber will love it.” Dad jumps in. I love my family. We talk. We love each other. They have no problem with changing my body from male to female. Sometimes we joke about it. I can talk to them about anything. I eat my dinner. Hiding my face because I’m blushing. Amber is literally my dream girl. Even the way she asked me to prom was a dream. I had been walking to my locker. When I got there, I opened my locker and saw that Amber was squeezed in there. She jumped out, hugged me and whispered in my ear: “I like you; will you go to prom with me?” I looked straight at her and pecked her on the lips. “Yes.” “Whatcha, thinking about?” Mom pulls me out of my thoughts. “Honey, she’s thinking about Amber.” Dad points out. I blush. Dad takes a look at my face and starts laughing. “I was right!” I start laughing. “You were.” Mom laughs too. God, I love my family. Suddenly, Mom and Dad stop laughing. They both stare at me. Then say in unison. “100 - 31” I jump awake.

May 21, 2018 Time: 2:50 PM I’m in a bed. In the nurse’s office? What happened to dinner? I was just eating. Oh no... I’m back here. I look down and start sobbing. Why do I have to be back here? “Leo, are you okay?” I look to my side to see Amber, holding the curtain back looking at me. Oh god. She is so… —oh my god. She called me Leo… — I sob harder. Amber sits up and looks over. “Hey, it’ll be okay.” Amber states. I look up at her. I want to tell her. How do I tell her without talking? We don’t have paper… I know!

I point at my chest and mouth “Leo” and shake my head. I mouth “Lydia” and nod my head yes. “Leeda?” I shake my head and mouth “Lydia” slower. “Lydia?” I nod. “Okay… Why do you want me to call you Lydia?” I mouth slowly “It’s my real name” and Amber seems to get it. “So, your name isn’t Leo?” I flinch when she says Leo but I nod. “Ok... But you’re a boy, right?” The minute she says it I shiver and let out a small sob. “Oh… Ok I get it…” Amber says, noticing my reaction to the word boy. “Ok… so your……” Amber pauses and thinks. Probably trying to find the word for it. “Transgender?” I nod my head vigorously. “And you don’t like being called a boy.” I shiver… “Ok... cool,” Amber pauses for a second, debating something in her head. She then gives me a cute smile, and my cheeks are as red as apples. I blush so hard. I haven’t talked to Amber for days. I just wish my body wasn’t this way. I wish she wouldn’t look at me this way. In this body. I look down at my chest and start to cry. Amber notices me looking at my chest. “Oh! Hmm… I know!” Amber exclaims. “Come over to my house today and I’ll fix that.” Amber smirks. I look up at her, sniffing, shake my head and mouth “I don’t think I can...” “Look…” Amber takes out her phone. “Give me your phone.” I mouth “Ok…” I hand over my freshly cracked phone. It must’ve broken when Kevin was hitting me. Amber opens contacts and adds herself as a contact. “Come over at 5 IF you can.” Amber blushes? I nod when the nurse pushes the curtain away. Amber rushes over to her bed just in time. “Leo, dear are you awake?” The nurse looks behind her. “Your parents are here to pick you up.” I look over to Amber for a second. She smiles at me, then looks away quickly. I get up.

May 22, 2018 Time: 3:10 AM I’m in the car and mom is driving home. I’m thinking about last night’s dinner. My parents were joking with me talking about amber. If they were that way last night what do I have to be scared of? “Mom, can I go over to a friend’s house at 5?” I ask, surprised that the wave didn’t crash over me. “Who are they? What are you going to do?” I pause for a second, then say. “It’s Amber and she’s going to fix the chest problem.” I joke. “Chest problem?” “You know cause I’m… like flat chested like I have no boobs whatsoever even though I’m supposed to have them.” “What? No, you’re not.” Mom replies. I freeze. What went wrong? “Yeah I am.” “No, Leo you’re not. You’re a boy. Girls have breasts.” I feel the wave crash over me and I stop talking. I don’t know what went wrong. I was having dinner last night when they were talking about Amber. They were calling me she and Lydia. Not he and Leo. What has happened to us? “Leo, are you okay?” I notice that I’m silently crying. “No, I’m not.” Then I faint.

[maebeebooks]

The 50/50 Fates Chapter 1

Chapter 1: If your reading this you’re a stalker Chris April 4 I always read this statistic that two percent of students are trans in every school. If that's true, then who are the others? That always stumps me because I don't know even half the people in my school. Maybe I should meet more people. I sit up on my bed and look around my room for clothes. My room is very bland. I could make it look nice, decorate a bit. But I’m not doing that since I can’t exactly decorate the way I want. I find a purple t-shirt that says “You can't spell purple without purr.” and some sneakers, jeans. Let’s change that shirt, I go back to the closet. There's nothing in here that's boyish. I need to get more masculine shirts. I pick a t-shirt that says “If you're reading this, you're a stalker.” —I still hate it— and put it on. I put on the rest of my clothes and walk to the giant kitchen. Even before I walk in the kitchen I know of course; my Mom is trying some weird recipe for breakfast. "Good morning Penny!" Mom turns to look at me. " Want some Zucchini pancakes?" I look at the green throw up looking pancakes and gag a little. "Uh... no Mom those look kind of disgusting," I reach for the Fruit Loops on top of the fridge. "Ok suit yourself," Mom puts the pancakes in the fridge."I have to go." Mom looks at her watch. “Take the bus from school."

"Ok Mom." Mom rushes out the door while I'm pouring my cereal. I put the bowl on the table and sit down. I grind the dry cereal to dust, and it leaves a weird taste in my mouth. Mom peeks out from the door. "Also put on a bra!" Mom closes the door and walks to her car. I look down and suddenly, I don't want to eat anymore. I dump the cereal in the sink and walk into my room. I grab my backpack after putting IT on. “I've got to tell mom,” I think as I walk out the front door. Stacy April 4 You know what I hate about this day? Everything. The sun, the sky. I hate everything right now. I want to stay in bed all day. I had this dream last night. I was in detention with this girl, her name was Lydia. She was supposedly in detention because she pranked one of the teachers. We sat there talking when another girl came in. Lydia broke the rules by getting up from her seat and hugging the girl. “Amber!” Lydia kissed her on the lips and the teacher shouts for them to sit down. I felt pretty awkward sitting there watching them. Lydia looks at me and smiles. “I got a 100 - 80” I look over at the teacher. “Oh god not this guy again.” Lydia says and runs out the door. I get up to follow her when I wake up. Luca had ran up to me and started licking my face. Luca needs food, but I don't want to get up... I'm going to have to… I push Luca away and pull my blanket off. My room is one of the cleanest rooms in the house—The house my dad got after mom died—. I get up, walk downstairs to the kitchen and Luca follows me. The kitchen is a mess. Sticky spots on the counter and beer all over the floor. I clean up a little getting the beer cans off the floor and get Luca's food from the bottom cabinet. When I pour it into her dented metal bowl Luca practically gobbles up the food in seconds. I'm going to have to go to school… I walk back to my room, go into my closet and grab a random shirt and jeans. I hate these clothes, but I have to put them on and walk to school. So, I do that. I'm walking to the front door when I pass my dad's room. “Maybe I can wear moms’ old clothes again?” I think and I open the door to meet. Nobody — of course my dad isn't here— so, I walk to the dresser and open the first drawer. My dad's shirts. Second drawer? My dad's pants. Third one? I'm not even going to tell you what's in there. Fourth one. Mom's old clothes. I look through them. As I’m looking, I remember about a year ago when I started wearing my mom’s clothes and my heart lurches. I look down at my chest and remember I’m in a boys body.