I have come to a realization about the rest of my life, and I really want to explain in eloquent prose, but I think what’s going to happen is this is going to devolve into too-long lists, because that’s my communication style. I appreciate you forever if you make it through this post.
I was so full of potential. Yes, I was that autistic kid: good at school, especially reading and science, so that my lagging behind socially and emotionally went unnoticed and my difficulties with math had to be because I wasn’t trying. Because I could do anything, and I always had to be working towards being impressive. My education went thus:
Pulled out of kindergarten because of obvious but unlabeled autism issues and happily homeschooled with workbooks and my imaginary classmates, sent to a different science after-school camp at the museum every week
But middle school requires measurable credits, so I was enrolled in online school. This was the early days, when the teachers were only there to grade non-multiple choice assignments and everything was self-paced and unsupervised
Also they accidentally put me in high school classes, then decided I was smart enough to stay there. Cut to me spending distracted days playing flash games and pulling last-second all-nighters at 12
Went to the alternative high school freshman year because my parents knew I couldn’t handle the crowds of a typical one. It was 99% poor kids on their last behavioral or academic chance to graduate. I loved it; there were no cliques and no one laughed at how I dressed or minded that I wanted to sit with them at lunch but read my novels quietly
But mom convinced me it was too easy and I needed to transfer to a charter school that would let me take college classes. So I spent the rest of high school, outside of one extremely ill-advised semester, going to community college. I liked being assumed to be older than I was, and I liked learning and chilling alone between classes. I made friends, but rarely saw them again after that class ended
Middle and high school also involved being very involved in Girl Scouts, 4-5 4-H clubs at a time, an archery team, and various robotics teams. I liked them all individually, but they were too much together, only there was no telling that to my mother
I graduated college 2 weeks after I graduated high school. I was deeply depressed at the time, but this mattered. This meant my life was going somewhere after all
I took a gap year on a merit scholarship exchange program in Germany, during which I spent as much time as possible biking or scrolling tumblr (which I had just discovered), while my teachers were mad I never did homework and my host parents were mad I never did laundry
In such quick succession I can’t remember the exact order, I: went to two different coding classes meant to prepare you for a tech job, except I never grasped it well; went to one semester of community college; and did one term of electrician trade school only to discover I couldn’t keep up with the math required
Finally, at 20, I went away to college for the first time. Ok, so I wasn’t ahead anymore, but I could still graduate on time. My parents convinced me (very easily swayed) that computer science was the most practical program
I hated it, of course. I spent my free time doing one of 3 things: watching Doctor Who (which I had just discovered) late at night in the dorm hallway, playing video games in the lounge at dinner time when no one would bother me, or hanging out with the cool sociology professor who led reenactment trips and loaned me a bunch of history books. I made one friend, but she was depressed and went home at thanksgiving
I also nearly failed basic college algebra, despite asking for help, and only didn’t because it’s basically high school algebra 1 and 2 smooshed together, and I’d taken algebra 1 three times (and algebra 2 never)
I dropped out after that semester because my parents were pressuring me to join the military to pay for college, and on top of moral objections I was well aware I was too disabled to handle that. They said they wouldn’t help next term if I didn’t agree, and I called their bluff. First big decision I made in my life all on my own
Did another semester of community college but dropped out because they wouldn’t accept some of my old credits and I wouldn’t retake classes
Did a semester of university that I actually really liked, because I got to pick my major (anthropology), and I made two friends I really got on with. But I was driving an hour each way five days a week (had gotten my license recently) and it was too exhausting, so I transferred
Did the last 3 semesters at a school I hated amid Covid, wildly screaming preachers, and apocalyptic fiery skies, with so much reading I never did it all and one class I’m sure I would have failed if it hadn’t gone online after spring break
Oh, and that was the year I moved out of my parents’ house
Finally got my bachelors just before I turned 25. Then proceeded to immediately get married and move across the country
Did my masters degree in a one-year program that I finished the summer I was 26, and I really don’t have that much to say about it. There were papers and projects and no tests and little math, so I did fine other than being overwhelmed
So…I was successful. I have a masters, which is more education than either of my perfectly educated parents. I only graduated 3-4 years later than average, though all of college did technically take me 11 years. But, technically, I made it. I was good at school. I switched it up a lot but technically never actually failed. Because I had the potential to be successful. If you asked my mother, she would tell you I did fine and there were reasons I quit at the end of each term
Work…was harder. I do well with very rigidly defined rules and time to consider them. Bosses don’t tend to like that. But it’s not like I was ever fired. Quick work rundown:
Full time summer job with a teen job forest service program at 16. Mom woke me up and packed my lunches and drove me, but I liked it well enough and she was proud of my lack of complaint
Full time live-in housekeeping at a satellite university campus in the mountains at 19. I was lonely and quit after 3 weeks when I got in trouble for washing sinks too slowly
Half time job in a high school kitchen making lunch at 20. I caught the bus every morning, but Mom still made me breakfast and woke me up. Also no matter how much I rushed, I was never fast enough and a couple of my coworkers were bullies who sprayed me with the sink sprayer and jumped out at me around corners
Full time summer job at 20 at a call center. Mom drove me when she took my brother to high school and I took the bus home. Worst job I ever had. The customers liked me but I was always in trouble for not retaining enough customers who wanted to quit. Probably would have been fired if I hadn’t quit 3 months in
Half time work in an elementary school kitchen from 21-22. This went much better since the variety of food was smaller and my coworkers were a couple of kind mom-age women. I only quit because our boss wanted to cut my hours to 2 a day, and I spent more than that on the bus
Part time work at the public library from 22-24. Here I flourished since there was no rush, it was quiet, and everyone was nerds. The repetitive job that didn’t require thinking was getting boring 3 years in, but really I only quit because I had to focus on my last semester of undergrad. Note though that I only worked 12-16 hours a week there
A notable few months at 23 where I worked 5 days a week as a para at an elementary school, 3 evenings and Sundays at the library, and 2 evenings and Saturdays at the tax prep office. I could walk to 2 of these and took the bus to the library, and was working 50-60 hours a week. Honestly, I functioned shockingly well, but couldn’t have kept it up
I took a break through grad school, so my next job was as a substitute teacher (I’ve made my decision, it doesn’t matter if i tell you now) at 26. Obviously this was part time and meant to be temporary, as I had a degree in education and was going to become a classroom teacher. It wasn’t an uncommon step (though all my classmates found jobs faster than me; I applied to 30 jobs and got one interview with no callback). I didn’t love driving all the way across the city for work, but mostly it was fine
Moved towns at 27 and got a sub job there, which I’ve now had for 2 and a half years. I mostly love it, except the bit where I don’t love unpredictability. I know several of the teachers who text me when they need someone. I get to know the kids. I go by my gender neutral title (though need to get better about explaining pronouns). None of the elementary schools are more than a 9-minute drive from my house
But it was meant to be temporary. I have friends who are unable to work full time, or at all, some of whom rely a lot on family to help with life. And I don’t see anything at all wrong with that. It’s not a failure…unless you’re me.
But that’s wrong. And it’s a weird feeling, like I’m a fraud faking having needs, but I do think the way I am disabled is incompatible with long-term full time work, and as my partner earns enough I don’t need to do that, I think…this is going to be my life.
I am a writer who also teaches part time. The longest I’ve ever lived in a house has been 4 and a half years, but I plan to stay in this one forever. I am also disabled in such a way that I won’t die if left alone, but can’t really keep myself healthy on my own (every time my partner goes away I become a hermit with no sleep schedule who subsists on plain cereal).
And it’s a big thing for me to admit this to myself (and…all of you, I guess), because the expectation was that I would just do whatever was necessary to obtain success. Because my dad did, and he’s disabled in similar ways to me, but he’s also never really been happy and at all of 52 has health problems that keep him from working. He was fond of the phrase “willing to do what’s necessary.”
Except, what’s necessary to me is writing books and going to plays and taking the train to visit my friends. What I always wanted was enough money to spend at the bookstore and a house in a pretty neighborhood and a cat to pet. I knew from the time I was 13 or so that I didn’t care about status or wealth beyond basic comfort, but I don’t know if it clicked until very recently that I don’t even have to have a career to have a life.
Anyway. That was longer than some essays I’ve written, so you deserve a treat if you made it this far 🍬🍭🍇🍓
