you keep your eyes closed no matter what you hear. you don’t open them. you promise? - acxrned
vanya is going to be in so much trouble for this. in the moment , it had made sense : reginald had left her alone in the house during a mission with only mom & pogo watching after her , & it had been simple enough to slip away. ( innocent ordinary child — who would suspect her of any wrongdoing? they had barely been watching. she doubts they’ve noticed , even now. ) and oh , she had meant well : vanya had only wanted to prove her worth to her father , & she has been sneaking down to the gymnasium room to punch at luther’s punching bags while everyone is asleep , & she wants to help. that is all : she wants to be worth more than sitting alone in her prison cell of a bedroom.
she makes it to the mission. she’d heard father briefing them as her siblings had gathered their domino masks & scampered through the halls ; it’s a bank robbery , with hostages and the whole nine yards. her heart races — with fear or excitement , she isn’t quite sure , but it amounts to the same thing , doesn’t it? she runs into the bank. she’d fit into the scene her siblings have created , with her plaid dress & red - and - navy blazer , if not for her lack of mask — as it stands , she looks as she is : a powerless child trying to act a hero.
her plan had only gone so far. run after them. charge into the mission. help stop it. she’d imagined , when she allowed herself to imagine , that perhaps some brand - new power would spring out of her when put into danger ; maybe she was a late bloomer , and was like her siblings after all. maybe father just hadn’t given her a chance yet! ( foolish , foolish , foolish. as if the world would bend to her wishes so easily. )
she has achieved steps one & two of her plan , but freezes in the entryway of the bank , stock - still between two pillars as she watches her siblings. father has not let her come to watch missions through binoculars with him in a long while , ever since she’d started to cry when ben was shot at by a very large man with a very large gun a few months ago. ( he was alright. she’d cried just as much when his horrors had torn the large man apart , and had given father back his binoculars , feeling sick to her stomach. ) it all comes rushing back : the tears at seeing her siblings charge into battle against people much bigger and stronger than them , the fear at what she has decided to do. she can’t do it. she can’t help. ( useless , useless , useless. she hears the word in her father’s voice. )
five is the first ( only ) to notice her there. oh , how glad she is for that — if one or two or three had noticed her , she thinks they would have been angry with her , but five’s face is all concern. ( why , she wonders for a moment — she’s gotten herself into this mess. father would say she deserves to deal with the consequences for endangering herself. perhaps one of the robbers will shoot her. ) he blinks over to her , tugs her off to the side , & she remains frozen and speechless.
keep your eyes closed , he says , & she nods. she’s all too aware of the danger her siblings get into when they go on missions , but she has only seen it from a distance , never so close — it frightens her. she doesn’t have the words to say how scared she is , any sound she wants to make is trapped in her throat , but he seems to understand. ‘ okay , ’ she whispers , & in doing so feels like she has failed so very much.
* hill house . accepting . ( @acxrned . )