#thisismypersonalhashtagforthingsiwrite

[only-one-hand-is-mine]

From time to time, somebody asks a question.

And I think

He could've answered that.

And I'm convinced he could.

But he's not here.

And it doesn't hurt anymore.

And I don't have the urge to mention it. To say I knew somebody once, who would've had that answer at the tip of their tongue.

Because that's who you are now.

Not mine.

Not the love of my life.

Not my friend.

Just someone who would've known.

Someone who I once knew.

-left

[only-one-hand-is-mine]

I feel annoyed.

Annoyed at your inevitable presence.

Annoyed at the melodic sound of your voice when you talk about the things you love.

Annoyed at the way you easily move the conversation your way. That magnetism that drives all our friends to you.

I'm annoyed at your way of making everything sound serious.

You annoy me.

The way you notice everything. Even little things. The way you ask as if you don't care, but months later, you still remember my favorite drink.

But above all. These butterflies annoy me. The ones fluttering in my stomach when you look at me.

So annoying.

[only-one-hand-is-mine]

I won't say it. Not again.

I won't let my lips form the words, I won't acknowledge the butterflies. I'll deny any evidence and pretend it doesn't exist.

I'll make sure my heart knows it is not okay to fall so fast. So stupidly. So ignorantly.

I can't fall again until I see traces of butterflies in his eyes. Until I hear it from his lips.

-left

[only-one-hand-is-mine]

Long distance means having hard conversations when needed. Means knowing it's gut-wrenching hard. Tear-jerking hard. Heart-breaking hard.

But also blissfully easy. Joyfully easy. Stupidly easy.

[only-one-hand-is-mine]

Long distance means crying when the absence is stronger than the strength.

[only-one-hand-is-mine]

It's so hard to wake up from a dream where I'm holding your hand.

[only-one-hand-is-mine]

Today would've been our 6th month anniversary.

I don't know how to feel about that.

Part of me feels defeated. Like I couldn't beat the odds. I guess I was (we were) never meant to.

But today we would've been half a year in, and half a year is a long time.

Remember when I asked if you imagined when we celebrated our first year together?

You said it was mind blowing just to think about it. Which I guess is a clever way of getting out of a question you didn't really want to answer.

So.

Happy Thursday I guess.

[only-one-hand-is-mine]

Espero que me extrañes.

Espero suspires cada vez que mires los regalos que me costó media vida mandarte.

Espero entres a tu casa y a medio camino de abrir mi número, te acuerdas que a mi ya no me incumbe si llegaste o no.

Espero pienses en todos los momentos que sacrifiqué por ti. Todos los amigos que dejé a un lado por estar contigo. Quiero creer que abres tu tableta para ver series, y encuentras el sonido de mi risa pegada a cada título que vimos juntos.

Espero tu película favorita se haya tintado del café de mis ojos. Que cuando veas un dinosaurio pienses en el apodo que me tenias.

Espero te detengas a pensar que, a pesar de la distancia, yo llenaba tus tardes. Que sientas el frío de mi ausencia como yo siento el tuyo.

Espero pienses en mi y sonrías. Porque nunca quise nada más que verte sonreír. Que besarte mientras te hacia reír a carcajadas.

Lo que más espero, de todo corazón, es que nunca me olvides. Que pase de una herida abierta a una cicatriz. De esas que se ven a simple vista; y que la gente no puede evitar notar.

Espero que, el día en que quien ocupe ese lugar te pregunte por tu pasado, tú le sonrías, le muestres tu cicatriz y le digas "esta es mi favorita".