Summary: Thomas and Jonathan consumate their relationship. Attempt to. Kind of. Ish. Jonathan doesn’t know how to repair a microwave and he’d never answer a door in a towel.
Word Count: 729
@thomas-schiff because it was funny.
Interest in patients was something that Jonathan could have lost his licence to practice over if he hadn’t already lost it for the small matter of using other patients in his tender, loving care at Arkham in his fear experiments, and for kidnapping Gothamites off the street to use in his fear experiments. Turns out the psychological community had very closed minds when it came to his type of work. So did the GCPD. And the Batman. The only good point to anything was that he, technically, was not his patient’s therapist anymore, which meant that, technically, Jonathan could pursue a less than professional relationship with Thomas.
It had been a long time coming, really. Schiff was amusing, charming, and smart. The only downside was that he worked for Joker, but Jonathan could hardly hold that against him. The Joker tended to attract minds like Thomas. It hardly got in the way of Jonathan’s interests. After a while of therapy, some flirting-- more on Thomas’s end, as Jonathan was absolutely horrible at flirting-- and a couple dinner dates that could have been best described as Thomas making sure Jonathan actually ate something, it seemed their relationship was getting to something more serious.
Jonathan was not against taking things further than they had gone, but he had not done much of anything to initiate coitus. Until it became apparent to him that that was something Thomas wanted, Jonathan did not even consider it a possibility. Only Joker suddenly contacting Thomas gave Jonathan any bit of time to prepare. To study. Schiff had left with a quip about resuming later and Jonathan was left scrambling for anything that may help with his issue.
By the time Thomas returned, Jonathan felt well enough prepared. That Thomas was still in the cat suit he wore while on jobs actually helped things. Jonathan had to admit that it looked very good on Schiff, and Thomas seemed eager to pick up where they left off.
Things did not exactly go to plan.
Jonathan ended up sitting stiffly on Thomas’s bed with the half-naked form of his former patient in his lap. It was not uninteresting, but none of what Jonathan had seen on the internet prepared him for a moment like that.
Noticing Jonathan’s lack of involvement, Thomas leaned back enough to ask, “What’s wrong?” There was a panic to it; things in Schiff’s head whispering unpleasant things and a need for approval that was not being met.
“Nothing,” Jonathan forced out. He told himself he was not blushing because the Master of Fear (tm) did not blush. His cheeks were red because he wanted them to. For reasons. Unrelated reasons. Crane tried to explain in a way that would not get either of them physically hurt in the aftermath, “I would like to sex with you, but the video did not cover this situation. Am I supposed to be the repairman in this situation, or the man who has answered the door in nothing but a towel? Both of us are wearing pants and I doubt either can properly fix a microwave. This is not how any of this is supposed to work.”
There was a moment of silence as Schiff just stared at Jonathan. Jonathan stared back, fulling expecting Thomas to either realize what was wrong with the situation, or to let Crane know which of them was supposed to be bent over a kitchen counter and which was supposed to be pulling hair and making lewd remarks. Instead of anything Jonathan was expecting, a grin grew on Thomas’s face. Then came laughter.
So much laughter.
It made Jonathan frown.
Thomas continued to cackle. He hugged Jonathan tightly and laughed for a couple minutes straight. The laughter did not subside completely, but it did die down enough for Schiff to ask, “Are you serious? Did you just... I can’t believe this...” He had to take a few deep breaths enough to say, “You’ve never done this before.”
“Of course not,” Crane huffed.
The pie-maker nodded, still tittering, “And I’ll bet you watched a porno while I was gone.”
Jonathan rolled his eyes, “I was hardly going to go into this unprepared!”
That threw Thomas into another fit of laughter. He was not sure whether to choke Jonathan or kiss him. Or both. He’d decided when he could stop laughing long enough to breath again.
Re: novelization. That chapter makes the $6.99 so worth it. Long live Scarequeer and his fabulous taste in pharmaceuticals and luxury real estate!
I want to see the interior SO BAD. You know that version of Crane bought the finest Martha Stewart products that Macy's had to offer. I feel like his home would be one of those places that you'd visit and the bathroom alone is decorated better than your entire house and you're afraid to touch anything lest you contaminate it with your dirty poor-people hands. Or does this only happen to me?
thomas-schiff replied to your post: I want to write some fic toni...
// you like so many of those old horror movies. Have you ever thought of writing the plot of one of your favorites and replacing the characters with Crane + Co?
I dunno, I take a lot of inspiration from old horror films and have even named a few of my fics after them, but I don't know if I'd want to copy a plot entirely, half the fun of me writing is coming up with my own ideas. :)
thomas-schiff replied to your post: Last night I was told that I ...
slash doesn’t always have to mean it isn’t canon; that is just typically the case since we’re so rarely handed awesome pairings in canon XD I’d still call Harley/Ivy femslash, but meh *shrug* maybe I just a creaky old fandom biddy like that.
Ah, okay, that makes sense! A friend bought me a Harley/Ivy badge a while ago that says "femslash fan" so I'll agree with you and dub it femslash. :D
