Dear person I’m jealous of
send dear person ________, for a letter || @xheister || accepting!
Dear person I’m jealous of,
I don’t like to admit that the position I have stresses me out- it makes me positively terrified sometimes. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it- the thrill of our heists as thieves, knowing that we’re making a difference, however small it might be- but it’s a tremendous amount of pressure, and, well, I’m young.
Being a leader- having my teammates’ lives in my hands is a staggeringly large responsibility. And because of this, sometimes, I catch myself being envious of you. It’s not a deep toxic thing like jealousy sometimes leads to- but I can’t say your occasional lack of... enthusiasm for your position doesn’t light something in me.
Your ability to help from relative safety, to pick up a role entirely of your own choosing, is something I’d enjoy more than I’d like to admit. Of course, running the Phan-site has dangers of it’s own, but you’ll never see the depths of the metaverse or have to make the final decision on how to handle a teammates injury. Your help is tangible and real- you’re doing so much to help us help people, and sometimes I wish I could have that security.
Oftentimes, I think that upsets me because it makes me feel cowardly. Like I’m somehow backing off of my responsibilities, or that I’d step down if that was an option. Sure, I know it’s not true, and at the end of the day, I wouldn’t change things. But when I come home in the evening to Futaba, Sojiro, and Morgana, I wish things weren’t so dangerous- that I didn’t have to worry about protecting them or keeping myself out of harm’s way. When I see Ryuji with his mom, Ann going to visit Shiho, Yusuke finally coming back around to his paintings, Makoto reading a book just for her own enjoyment for once, or Haru tending to her garden... I wish I didn’t have to be responsible for making sure that still happens.
Most of all, I want to make changes in the world- make it a better place for people like us. And sometimes I wish I could do it, but not like this.
-Akira
