I wouldn’t recommend going through the things I’ve been through, or having the same kind of relationships that I’ve had.
It’s been years. I feel like I died and came back. My life is completely altered from what it used to be. But I’m reading the Thunder series and Cassie’s strength is what I’m gonna use. I created her, I can borrow a little strength.
On a more positive note, I’ve accidentally created a treasure. A wild, rambunctious, free-spirited daughter. I’m a mother of TWO gorgeous kids now. The world is crazy. I hope you’re all well.
“He’s fussy today. I don’t know what’s up with him. I’m really sorry, if I had known I’d have left him at my Mum’s …”
Teddy was bawling his eyes out while I was desperately trying to make him calm down by pushing his baby carrier slightly back and forth.
It’d been that way since we got off the plane.
“Easy, darl’. Hold up. I’ll park right over here.” Michael took a turn and parked the car at a rest area that had magically appeared.
There, he exited and got Teddy out of the carrier in an instant. I procured a bottle of milk and passed it on, and in a matter of minutes Teddy managed to calm down in his dad’s arms. A couple of minutes more, and the boy was sound asleep, his tiny fingers wrapped around the bottle.
“Don’t ever say that, Cas. That you should’ve let him stay at home. He’s my boy.” Michael said as he rocked him gently.
“I know. I just feel bad. That he’s been this way, and-”
“Don’t. It’s fine. Look at him, all asleep and happy now.” Michael looked at the boy and I felt my heart soar.
“Besides. It’s probably just the English air. He doesn’t like it.” He said and picked his box of cigarettes from his pocket before handing it to me. I lit one up and made sure to stand a bit from Teddy so the smoke wouldn’t bother him. The nicotine shooting through my body made me feel calmer.
“Oh, is that so? The dreadful, English air, huh?”
“Mm-hmm.” He replied while rocking Teddy gently. “You should have seen me. The first couple of weeks I was crying my heart out too. We don’t like it.”
I bit my cheek from laughing too loudly at his remark.
“Oh. Yeah, I understand. It must be terrible.” I teased back and put out the cigarette. Michael put Teddy into the carrier again, and miraculously, he didn’t wake up. Within moments, we were back on the road.
“You sent out the RSVPs yet?”
“Not yet, no.” I replied as we took a turn from the motorway and headed towards the central London. Teddy was still sound asleep. “Planning to do it tonight, though. I’ll just send them by Facebook.”
“Facebook? I thought you were going to mail them.”
“Not the way it works today, old man.”
Michael smirked at my remark and grabbed my thigh, teasing me. “What about Yasmin? I’m sure she doesn’t have one.”
“You’re dead wrong about that.” I scrolled through my phone to find the document I was searching for. We were going to have a big going away party, but nobody knew yet. That’s why I was creating an RSVP on the phone, readying it for to be sent tonight. I dreaded the girls’ reactions. I knew they were going to support me no matter what, but I also knew that they’d have a thing or two to say about it as well.
“It’s going to work out.” Michael could sense my uncertainty and he caressed my thigh while simultaneously maneuvering the car through the traffic.
“They’re gonna yell at me. I know it. Especially Cait.”
“What, for moving here?”
“They haven’t really come round to you, I think.”
Michael sighed and took his hand back to the wheel.
“And you?” He looked straight ahead, focused, concentrated, seemingly emotionless. I knew that wasn’t the case. He was anxious.
“All is in the past.” I said and tried to block the memories. “All is good now.”
“Good. I have something that you have to see.”
“Yeah, what are we doing here?” I looked around and recognized the area of Kensington and Chelsea. It wasn’t long until we drove into the Notting Hill area. On and on we went, until we were headed down a small road.
He parked the car, waved at a man seemingly waiting for us, and lit up a cigarette. I was completely dumbfounded, but managed to get myself and Teddy out of the car. The boy had now woken up and happily accepted the piece of bread I offered him.
“Steve!” Michael waved at the man, who now came closer. He was about Michael’s age, dressed in a casual suit, and carrying a briefcase of sorts. He had a very realtor-esque look about him.
“Steve, this is … Cassie. And our boy, Teddy.”
“Hello, how nice to meet you.” Steve said and shook my hand. Teddy waved at him.
“Likewise. Eh, if you don’t mind me asking - what’s … all this?”
Steve chuckled lightly. “He hasn’t told you, has he?” Steve turned to Michael. “This is your new home, if you’ll accept.”
“A … what? How?”
Steve chuckled again. “Not to your liking, or?”
“Of course it is. I just … I’m sorry, Steve, I just need to talk to Michael for a bit.”
“No problem. I’ll be waiting out here, you can talk inside if you like to.”
With a wink at Michael, he unlocked the door and showed us inside. I could feel how completely shocked I looked as I walked in.
It was beautiful. To the left, there was a large, light kitchen and to the right, a large open space, perfectly fitted to become a living room. In the middle, a large wooden staircase led up to the first floor.
Teddy seemed just as fascinated as I was, as his large blue eyes scoured through the room. I put him down and he began to crawl around.
Michael stepped up at me from behind and carefully laid an arm around me.
“If it’s… if you don’t like it, we’ll sell it and find another. Just say so.”
“Sell it? Wait, it’s ours already? Why haven’t you said anything? Ugh, that’s so typical you-“
He moved to stand in front of me, a sad expression on his face.
“It was my Dad’s. I got it after he passed.”
“Oh my God, I’m sorry. I had no idea.”
“It’s okay. It’s just … I’m just a little unsure about it.”
Teddy had crawled all the way to the wall and tried to stand up. He hadn’t quite figured out how just yet.
“Why?”
“It was my Dad’s. We didn’t exactly have the best thing going on.”
“Oh, it’s a too many bad memories thing?”
Michael nodded, brows furrowed.
“I think it’s beautiful, Michael.” I took his hand as I spoke and he looked up at me with a half-smile.
Teddy’s happy baby talk made the both of us look to where he was standing. He had now managed to stand up, and used his chubby baby hand to support his balance. With a gorgeous smile, he looked at Michael and like that, out of the blue, he spoke his first word.
“Daaaad!”
We looked at each other, baffled and amazed, before we exploded in cheers and laughter.
( … )
It didn’t take more than a couple of minutes for, well, everyone, to reply as I’d sent out the RSVPs.
Yasmin was the first to respond with an all caps “I KNEW IT” and a ton of heart emojis.
Megan wrote a completely neutral “congratulations!” but it seemed like there was a lot more to it than that. Caitlin called my phone, and I didn’t answer. I was trying to tuck Teddy in, but just as Michael said, he hated the dreadful English air. Also, there were the entirely new surroundings of Nathan’s apartment which we had borrowed for our stay. There had been way too many new impressions for him today, and there was no way he would go to sleep early tonight.
“Pick it up!” A message from Caitlin read.
“Can’t. Tucking Teddy in.”
“We need to talk about this.”
Ugh. For fuck’s sake, Cait.
“I had hoped you’d be happy on my behalf?”
“I am. I hope you’ll be happy.”
“I am happy, Cait.”
“That’s good, then.”
I didn’t know what to write back to her, and I put my phone away and tried to sing a song for Teddy. It seemed to calm him down, and as I laid down beside him and laid my arm around him, he finally began to close his eyes. I did the same, only to rest for a moment.
The nightmares came quickly. They were about the same things that they were usually about. Some were with horrible scenarios where Teddy was missing, and I had to run through the entire city of Kenmare to finally find him. And when I did, I would find him in Michael’s arms, and Michael would be surrounded by beautiful women. Or, when the nightmare was particularly bad, there would just be one. One that was now his girlfriend. One that would have me kicked out of our home, one that would be Teddy’s new mother. This night, it was a particularly bad one. It had me tossing and turning until finally, I sat up in the bed with a scream. Sweaty and distraught, I flew out of bed and didn’t stop until I collided with Michael in Nathan’s hallway. He grabbed me by the arms and stopped me from running further.
“Cassie? Cassie! What is it?”
“You … you ... “ I cried. The memory of the dream was etched into my brain, and I was still in a state between sleeping and being awake. “You were with somebody else.”
He released me and I heard him sigh.
“How many times do we have to go over this?” I heard his voice change from worry to anger, and like that, I began to become angry as well. “How many times do I have to apologize?”
“I dunno, Michael. Start now and stop in 80 years?” I snarled back at him.
He backed away and let out a dry laugh. It only served to make me even angrier.
“What do you want me to do? You can keep on doing this-” He gestured vaguely with his arms. “Or you can accept that I am sorry, that it won’t happen again, and that I love you. But I need an answer.”
“How can you EVEN imply that I’m just delicate. How can you FUCKING not see that I’m like this because of you?”
“Lower your voice. Teddy might waken.”
“I’ll bloody well scream the house down if I want to.” I replied, but with a lower voice than before.
“Fine. But you have a problem. You weren’t exactly a saint, either.”
“A saint? What the fuck, Michael? At what point did I do something that made you go “hmm, well, yeah. I’ll screw someone else.” Fuck off. You fucking idiot. You fucking twat.”
I could feel tears running down my cheeks, tears that came from the entire situation. The dream, Michael’s misunderstanding, our argument, and the fact that he was right. If we moved in together, this would never end. I would always wake up from nightmares. He would have to deal with this jealousy forever. Teddy would, at some point, begin to understand that Mum and Dad weren’t good friends right now. I could feel my heart breaking at the realization. I sat down, back turned against the wall, and cried.
Although I didn’t deserve any of it, Michael sat down next to me and with one arm, he pulled me in next to him. I could feel him kiss the top of my head as my crying kept on, quiet as the night around us.
“The keys, Michael.” I tried to concentrate on finding the keys to my apartment. Michael was behind me, his hands touching me all over, which clearly did not help the situation.
“Forget the keys.” He growled into my ear before shoving me against the door to the apartment. I gasped with the sensation as he pressed himself against me.
“The neighbors-” I panted as he kissed the side of my neck all the while his hands were moving downwards.
“Which one of them? Mrs. Smythe, the stock deaf one?” He chuckled into my ear.
“Hush! Don’t-” I tried to stop him from lifting up my dress, but to no avail. The risk of getting caught was only turning him on more.
Somehow, I managed to break free of his grasp and I turned around. Of course, that didn’t help much.
He trapped me, one arm on each side of my head, all the while he looked down at me with a devious smile on his face.
“Can I just get a moment to get my keys?” I looked up at him while making the most innocent face I could manage. “Pleeease?”
“He moved closer and pressed his forehead against mine.
“Afraid not.” He replied. Before I could say or do anything, his hands went down and below my dress, and a moment after that, they took hold of my stockings and ripped them to pieces.
“What the hell!”
“Hush. The neighbors.” He replied and kneeled down in front of me.
“Oh no, no you’re not going to …” I tried to protest but I didn’t even believe my resistance myself. I braced myself for him, but it didn’t even begin to cut it as he finally put his face between my legs. I let out an uncontrollable moan as I felt his tongue against me.
He wasn’t careful or slow or taking his time, he went straight for the most sensitive spot as he held on to my hips.
“Oh Gooood, stop this, stop-” I half-whispered with my eyes clenched shut. He didn’t hear a word I was saying, he just kept on going, sucking and tasting me as if he’d been starving. Although my rational mind tried to stop this, yelling at me in my mind for being this obscene, my body was welcoming him and reacting exactly like it always did. I could feel myself getting closer, and as he entered one of his fingers inside of me, I almost screamed with the sensation. He pulled slightly back, only to whisper a command at me.
“Keep still, darl’.”
I pressed a hand in front of my mouth in a desperate attempt to do as he said. He returned to his task and didn’t hold back. As he moved his finger in perfect sync with his tongue, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I raced towards the edge and beyond it, screaming into my hand as I felt my knees buckling below me. I heard him groaning against my sex and it made my orgasm even more powerful. I could feel myself shaking with the aftershocks as he finally pulled away from me, causing me to slide down and sit helplessly on the landing floor.
“Oh look at that, Cas.” He looked beyond smug as he stood up and pointed to my open bag on the floor. “The keys are right there.”
( … )
I’d reciprocated as soon as we’d gotten into the apartment, the two of us enjoying each other as we used to do before everything that changed our lives. Now, we were laying on my bed, exhausted and longing for cigarettes.
“I like the decor here. Half pink and half blue. Sad that we have to paint it over soon.” Michael smirked as he looked at me. He looked sleepy, but blissful.
“Paint it over?”
“Mm-hmm. Now with your mom moving to London and all. We’ll have to wrap this here up as well.”
“Oy?” I got up on my elbows, looking at him as if he’d suddenly grown four heads on top of his own.
“You don’t think?”
“That she’s going to London? No, why would she do that?”
“Oh I don’t know, darl’. Maybe that guy named Nathan?”
“Come on. They’ve dated for, what? Five minutes? I know her. She’d never do that.”
This day had been filled with surprises. Pleasant ones, but still. I wasn’t sure I could manage being surprised even more today.
“Is it because you don’t want her to?”
“What? No, of course not. I just know her.”
“Because if she moved, she would probably move in with Nathan. And then I’d probably get kicked. And then I’d have to find a house somewhere. And it would suck to sit there all alone. Don’t you think?”
“I - I … haven’t thought.”
“Do you want to?” He laid on his side so he could look properly at me. Something about his question made my heart flutter. I could see in the way that he looked at me that he wanted nothing more than for me to say yes. But also, he didn’t want to pressure me.
“A … house, you reckon?”
“Of course. Teddy needs a room and a garden. Oh, and rooms for his 12 future siblings, too.”
“What!” I punched him playfully in his chest. “12 siblings? I’m pretty sure that it’s you who will have to carry them, then.”
“Sure. As long as I get 12 more.” His smile gleamed in the afternoon sunlight as he teased me.
“And how did you become this filthy rich? A house - in London?”
“A small house. The 12 of them will just have to share a room.”
“Oh my God.” I was now positively howling with laughter. “You arse.”
“You love me.”
“That I do.” He kissed me on the tip of my nose and arose from the bed.
“Time for cigs. We have somewhere to be at 5.30.”
“5 more minutes.” I couldn’t endure the thought of getting up and going back to my Mom’s. I had missed Michael too much to not have him to myself for at least a little bit more.
“Fine.” He pulled up his jeans and moved to stand by the bed. I thought he was going to help me up, but instead he suddenly jumped on me. “Then it’s 5 minutes of tickle war!”
“Noooooooooo!” I screamed and laughed as he easily gained the upper hand.
( … )
“I can’t remember the last time I had a meal like that.” I said as I exhaled the smoke from my cigarette. My mother and I were sitting outside, smoking cigarettes after the insane meal that Nathan had prepared. A proper English roast, with roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and everything else that went with it. Everybody had eaten until they just couldn’t squeeze down a single bite more. Teddy had loved it and everybody had laughed along as he covered himself completely in potatoes and gravy. It had been like a family night the way the family nights should always be.
“I know. This one’s a keeper.” My mom laughed as she exhaled smoke from a cigarette of her own.
“Speaking about that. Why didn’t you tell me? I’ve known the guy for longer than you. You could have at least dropped a hint.”
“I don’t know.” She sighed. “I didn’t want to spring things on you. With the divorce from your Dad and all. I feared that you’d think I was moving way too fast.”
“C’mon Mom. The divorce was the best thing that could have ever happened.”
“”I know. But … well, I was afraid that you’d might get upset.”
“Does Dad know?” I stepped on my cigarette and put it out.
“No. I haven’t talked to him since … well, that was months ago. What about you?”
“God, no. The last time I spoke to him was when I was visiting you in the old apartment. He called my baby “a bastard child”. I’m not really keen on forgiving him, yet.”
“I remember that. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”
“I am, too.”
I saw a tear glistening in the corner of her eye.
“What’s the matter, Mom?”
“I should’ve-” She sniffled slightly but managed to compose herself. “I should have left him ages ago. I’m so sorry, Cassie.”
“Oh, Mom.” I reached out and pulled her in for a hug. “It’s okay. It is.”
“You’ve got to understand. I think you understand. A mom always wants to do the best for her child. In our case, I thought it was for the better if I stayed.”
“I know. I know, Mom.” We let go and looked at each other. “The best for me, right now, is that you’re happy.”
“I am.” She smiled and reached for another cigarette. “You have no idea.”
“And now you and Nathan are moving in together.” It was more of a conclusion than a question, and it seemingly came out of nowhere. I couldn’t believe the words I had just said, and even more so as my rational, steadfast mother nodded her head slowly.
“I wanted to ask for your permission.” She exhaled and suddenly looked like a giddy teenager.
“It was yours before you even asked, Mom.” She squealed - again, like a teenager - and hugged me tightly.
“Just one thing.”
“Anything. What is it?” She asked.
“I get to tell the boys.”
March 1st, 2016
I managed to keep quiet for a whole day until Monday hit. Teddy decided to wake up at 6 AM, but I didn’t mind. Quietly, I managed to get him up and out of the room without Michael waking up. I got the boy fed, got him dressed, and managed to get the both of us silently out of the apartment as we went to the shops.
“Heeey, little darl’. What you got there?” I heard Michael’s sleepy voice from where I sat. I had simply put the present in Teddy’s hands and placed him on the bed, hoping for his crawling and movements to wake up his dad. It worked like a charm.
Teddy babbled happily and wrapped his chubby fingers around the small, square present.
“Hey darl’. What’s all this?” Michael said, addressed to me. He sounded hoarse, but happy.
“A present. I thought, since you’re going back and all today. Something so you can think of us until we’ll see you again.”
“I already am thinking about you all the time.” He replied, and it made my heart feel warm.
“None the less. Open it.”
“Oh, you like the paper, Teddy? Here. No, not the ribbon. I take that.” Michael cooed at the boy and tucked the ribbon safely away.
“What’s this … it’s a … a Routemaster bus?” He held up the small, red model car and inspected in from every angle. “Isn’t he a bit young for that? It’s got all these tiny parts-”
“It’s not for him.”
Michael looked at me in utter confusion. I probably should have waited until he’d had his coffee, I thought to myself.
“Look inside of it.”
Michael held the bus up high, trying to shield it from Teddy who had now grown tired of the glittery paper. As he laughed and tried to keep it from the boy, a small piece of rolled up paper fell from the doors of it.
“What’s this?” He spoke and finally allowed the boy to take the bus.
“A Routemaster so that Teddy can get used to those.” He read out loud and paused before reading the rest, as a smile formed on his lips. “You best find us a house. We’re going to England.”
He stared at the paper for a solid three seconds, but in my head it felt like time stood still. My old insecurities came roaring back. Doesn’t he want us to move to him? Was it all something he said? Didn’t he mean it?
I let out a breath that I didn’t realize I’d been holding as he finally moved. Carefully, he folded up the small piece of paper and put it in his wallet. He lifted Teddy up, placed a kiss on his temple, and then went to me with the boy on his arm. Without speaking a word, he pulled me in for a hug and held me tightly. I put my arms around the both of them and felt tears leaving my eyes.
This is it. This is really happening.
I had never felt so happy or so loved as I did in this very moment.
I woke up from the touch of his hands. Slowly, lovingly, he dragged his fingers from my knee and upwards, across my thigh, lingered on the skin of my waist and stroked downwards once again. I pretended to still be asleep so he wouldn’t stop.
He was laying behind me, naked and warm beneath our covers, and it was quite a feat to stay put and keep still. Even more so as he kissed the corner between my shoulder and my ear. It felt like I could just melt away into his touch.
“Ca-aaas. I can hear your breathing.” He chuckled lowly into my ear. Damn. Busted.
“So? Everybody breathes.” I retorted, teasingly. I felt hoarse and drowsy, but blissful.
“You breathe in that way when you don’t want me to think that you’re awake.”
“Bollocks. I don’t.”
“Bollocks. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks. ONE day in London and you’re a real proper Brit.” He snickered.
“Hey!” I wanted to nudge him in the stomach, but he was too quick. He grabbed my arm and laid on top of me before I could do anything.
“Hey what.” The weight of his body was pinning me down, and I apparently had to endure the smugness of his face through all of this teasing.
“You’re an ass.”
“Ooh, naughty words. I had no idea such a proper lady could speak like that. Tell me … how did someone this posh end up in a pub like this?”
“I have no idea, to be honest. I was lured in by something.”
“Mmm-hmm. Like what?”
“I don’t know.” I managed to wriggle a bit free from him so I could wrap my legs around him. I heard his breathing hitch as our bodies touched.
“I think it’s me that was lured in, honestly.” He grinded against me, and I had to close my eyes with the sensation.
He did the movement again and I wanted nothing more than him inside of me. Even more so as he began to kiss me. His kisses were deep and long and left me desperate for more.
“Wait …” I bit my lip as I could feel him a bit too close. “Rain coat.”
“Right. Sorry.” He smiled apologetically at me and pulled away. “Old habit.”
“It’s alright.” I had fallen out of breath. “It’s just that the two of us are a bit too … “
“Too what?” He looked at me, curiosity written on his face.
“Too good at getting me pregnant.”
I could see his face going from confused to curious until finally, shocked.
“You’re not serious.” He sat up and sat on the bedside. “The … pregnancy?”
I nodded. The atmosphere in the room had changed into something a lot more solemn.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Cas?” He looked at me in complete disbelief.
I shrugged and tried to not think too much about it.
“I figured that … I don’t know, maybe you’d put two and two together.”
“How could I do that? I thought it was … somebody else.”
“Who would that be?” I sat up on my arms, frowning at him.
“Don’t take it like that, Cas. We were just together that one night, and you …”
“I what?”
“You met a lot of guys back there, right? I saw you at the pub.” He paused and looked sad for a second. “You made sure I saw.”
“Don’t give me that bullshit. And I didn’t fuck them.”
“But … why didn’t you say anything? I sat with you every night. We watched Miami Vice, you slept and I was right there. Why didn’t you tell me?”
I sighed and fell back into the pillows.
“I wanted to … I really did. But it felt like I had deserved all of that. It was me that had to go through it. I was just … happy that you were there. I didn’t want to scare you off.”
“Scare me off? Scare me OFF, Cas?”
“I know.” I felt my eyes beginning to tear up. “It was just … so fragile. I had kicked you out and I didn’t feel like I deserved you being there. I felt so … terrible.”
I could see his jaw clenching as he thought about those nights. The atmosphere between us had been so heavy and dreadful, unlike anything we’d ever tried before. I would cry in the daytime and watch Miami Vice at night, looking at the back of his head and wondering if he’d ever talk to me or touch me again.
“I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.” He said. “That’s why I wrote to Nathan. If he had a job for me, here.”
“And he did.”
“He did.”
I couldn’t decipher what was on his mind. Maybe he was sad, maybe he was relieved. No matter what he felt, he didn’t let me in on it. As always.
“I’m going to get burgers for us. Alright?” He asked, his back turned towards me. I understood.
( … )
The short walk from here, to the pizza place and back, had helped. He seemed to be feeling a lot better as he returned.
Not that he said much, but it sufficed. And like this, we ate our burgers and french fries, until a text on my phone ripped through the silence.
“Teddy’s running a fever. Going to the doctor’s with him. Call me when you have the time. Xx - Mum”
From there, everything happened in a blur. I dropped everything I had, got dressed and began to panic, before my rational mind had even reminded me to call my mother and ask her for the details. She didn’t say much, as she was on her way to the doctor. Michael was quickly filled in, and he seemingly panicked just as much as I did. It was with hands shaking that I made the call to the airport to change my flight to an earlier one. Michael jump-ran to the car and tried desperately to get the ice off of it, so we could get going. Had the lock not opened in that very second that it did, I’m sure he would have found an axe and simply chopped off the door. There was nothing calm or collected about us, but somehow, we seemed to accomplish it all in time. Whenever one of us was panicking too much, the other would comfort, if even for a few seconds.
“What did she say? Should I go with you? I can’t go with this one, but I can take a later flight -” He was rambling on, every once in a while running a hand through his hair, as if that would somehow help him to find a solution.
“She said it was nothing bad, that it’s just a fever, so … I don’t KNOW, honestly.”
He took a few deep breaths and seemingly calmed down. There was a long queue for the check-in, and now, it had become my turn to worry. What if I don’t make the flight? My baby needs me … oh god, my baby needs me. MOVE, PEOPLE.
“Easy, darl’. You’ll make it. Don’t worry.” He said, as he rubbed my shoulders. Apparently, it had been easy to read my mind.
“I just want these people to move, damn it.”
“You’ll make it.” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard.
“I’m going to miss you, Michael.”
“Likewise.” He bent down and kissed me on the forehead. “Next time, I’ll be coming over to you.”
“How long will we be doing that? Going back and forth?”
“Until you move over here, Cas.”
“What if I can’t?”
“It’s easy. You can.”
“Uuuugh. You’re so annoying.”
“I know. But you love it.” He leaned down and kissed me. It was soft and warm and, most importantly, made me want more. I longed for long mornings, with he and I and Teddy, sleeping in and going for English breakfast somewhere. I didn’t know if that would ever happen.
“Your turn.” He broke the kiss and pointed to the clerk at the desk. It was time.
( … )
Of course, just like my rational mind already knew, Teddy was absolutely fine. Probably just a cold, the doctor had told my mother, and as they’d made their way home he already felt better. As I’d almost kicked her door in to see my boy, hugged him for the longest time and cried a little, my rationality began to set in and I felt like a fool. Of course, I called Michael and reassured him, my mom chuckling at our nervousness in the background.
...
“Really, there was no point in going home earlier. I could have handled him fine, even if he had been worse. Not the first time I’m taking care of a baby, you know.” My mom teased me, as we sat in front of the T.V. in the evening time.
“Ugh. I knoooow, Mom. I just got so worried.”
“And you lost precious time with that guy of yours.”
“He’s not … my … guy. Do people even say things like that, mom?”
“But you want him to be. And the other way around, too.”
“Don’t say things like that, Mom. It’s not that simple.”
“It is, Cas. It really is.”
“I can’t have that … long distance thing going on. And with all the things we’d been through, I’m just not … I’m not really sure of anything.” I felt a sting in my heart as I lied to my mother. I knew exactly what I wanted. Michael’s arms, around me, in London, raising our boy and being together forever.
“I think you should move over to him, darling.”
“Give me a break. It’s not that simple. What about you and Mr. Secret? I don’t see you and him running off into the sunset, either.”
She smiled as she looked down. She always looked so serene and universally happy when we talked about her boyfriend.
“He’s working a lot. He’s running a company, of sorts. But it’s not like we haven’t talked about it.”
“Well? What’s holding you back?”
“Things. I don’t know. All of our goddamn kids, maybe.” She said and I immediately burst into laughter along with her.
“No, it’s not that.” She said as we’d both recovered from the laughing. “He lives a bit far away, too. We want to make sure that this is going to work.”
“You see? Things are NOT that simple, mom. And with Michael, I’m just not … I can’t take that leap and just trust him forever. I can’t.”
“He did those things because he loved you, Cas.”
“That was a really weird way of showing it.”
“He’s a complicated guy.” She spoke softly as she looked at me. Something clicked inside of my mind, and I realized I had a question for her.
“You’ve never told me how you two met.”
“Oh, honey. That’s a long and dull story.”
“I have all the time in the world. C’mon, spill.”
“Uuuuugh.” She sighed and began to rub her forehead. Her telltale sign of “I reeeeally don’t want to do this.” Naturally, it only served to pique my curiosity.
“You’re going to hate me for this, Cassie.”
I was now beginning to become desperate for the information. What? What is it?
“I honestly believe that it’s not a scenario that hasn’t already played in my head, Mom. What is it?”
“Uuuugh, Cassie.”
“What? Is it that bad? Did you sleep with him or what?” I tried to not shudder at the thought, but the scenario wasn’t completely unrealistic. Michael being Michael and all. My mom having left a loveless marriage. It was clearly an option.
“What? God, no. Oh my God. That was NOT what happened.”
“Then what? And he’s not that hideous, Mom.” A small part of me was secretly relieved.
“Oh, Cas … how should I put this, honestly.” She rubbed the palms of her hands against her temples. “Well, I’ll just say it as it is. I contacted him, some time ago.”
“You … what? Why? How?” I looked at her, bewildered.
“You’ll have to understand, I did everything out of love, Cassie. I had never thought things would become so … complicated. With you falling pregnant again, and all that. I’m so, so sorry.” Her eyes were large and apologetic, the small lines around them making her look worried.
“When? I’m completely lost here, Mom.”
“It was … Teddy was around 5 months old. It was before that night when he was so fussy due to his shots.”
“Yes?”
“I’m sure you remember this better than me, darling, but you weren’t really well back then. Richard had just left, and you were struggling a lot.”
The sound of his name always felt like someone was ripping my heart out. A small glimpse of him, writing his farewell letter, played in my head like a bad movie.
“That’s true.”
“I wanted to help so much, Cassie. I really did. But with the divorce from your Dad and all … I couldn’t be there as much as I wanted to. I’m so, so sorry.”
I couldn’t believe my own ears. In an attempt to help me, she had … reached out to him?
“And I won’t ever forgive myself for letting you down that day. I am so sorry. I’ve yelled so much at myself for not helping you that day.”
“That … day?”
“The day with the breakdown in the supermarket. I’m absolutely heartbroken, Cassie. It should have been me that helped you. Not him.”
I felt my brows furrowing at the thought of past events.
“He told you about that?”
“Of course he did, honey.”
“I’m … I can’t believe it.”
“I had no idea you were so -“ She was struggling to find the right words.
“... far out.”
“I really didn’t.”
“It’s okay, Mom. I’m okay now.”
A strange silence fell upon us, my Mom looking down on her hands and me, trying to find out what we were even watching on the T.V.
“So, you don’t hate me? For having contacted him?”
“What? No, Mom. Oh my God.”
“Even with the … “
“Even with everything.” I smiled at her and took her hand in mine.
“I still think you should go to him. Go and live there. You’ll find an apartment and Teddy will go to daycare, and things will work out.”
I sighed. “I can’t. I can’t leave all … this.”
“He loves you, you know. And I know you love him.”
I looked at her, defeated and tired. She smiled back at me like only a mother could.
( … )
“Are you actually right outside?” I asked the face on my phone screen, as I struggled to get a new nappy attached to Teddy. My Mom’s kitchen was way too small for this kind of work, and it took a lot of skillful planning to change a baby all the while not dropping any of the required items on the floor, and like that I had simply put the phone on a shelf so I could finish up.
“I am.” He smiled back and exhaled a puff from his cigarette. The sun was illuminating his face, and I couldn’t remember when he had looked this happy. I couldn’t wait to go outside and throw my arms around him.
“I have the weirdest surprise for you, Cas.” He half-chuckled into the phone. “You’re never gonna believe it.”
“What? Aaaaand there we go, Teddy. Look! There’s Daddy!” I took the boy on my arm and took the phone so the two of them could see each other. Teddy giggled happily at the sight of his dad, and Michael’s face turned into an even happier one.
I went out the kitchen and through the hallway to fetch the door to let Michael in.
“Moooom! He’s here.”
“Okaaa-ay!” I heard a muffled reply from the upstairs bathroom.
I opened the door and Michael was there, hugging and kissing both Teddy and me. I felt tears of joy running down my cheeks and promised myself that I would never be apart from him for this long again.
“What was the surprise?” I asked as I handed Teddy over to Michael. Teddy immediately began to pull at Michael’s beard.
Michael simply smiled at me as he took a step to the side, revealing the broad, large man behind him. I hadn’t seen him in ages, and I was beyond surprised.
“Nathan! Oh my God! What are you doing here??” I exclaimed as I pulled him in for a big hug. As we stood there, I heard my mom clearing her throat behind us. She had finished up and had come down the stairs to greet our guests.
“There’s … there’s something I wanted to tell you for some time now, Cassie.” I let go of Nathan, and in the next second, my mom ran into his arms.
He chuckled at my strange behavior. We were lying in bed.My head resting on his shoulder, my eyes clenched shut, and my fingers almost clutching at his skin.
“Come on. You must be starving.”
“Nah.”
“Did you just nah me?”
“Nah.”
“You just did it again.” He laughed.
“I just want to stay put. Here. Until I have to go back again.” I inhaled the scent of his skin to make it stay in my brain.
That way I wouldn’t have to miss him as much.
“Well, happy to please. I just worried you’re going to eat me at some point.”
“Oh, I definitely am.”
“Thought as much.” He looked at me with that glinting in his eyes, and I felt the need for him rising. It was almost enough to make me forget that I was actually hungry.
“What’s in the box?”
“The box?”
“The one from Yasmin. The one that I actually travelled all the way here to deliver.”
“Oh, you mean that this was just a job?”
“Absolutely. All of my clients get the same service.”
He laughed loudly at my remark and almost forgot what we were talking about.
“Interesting. Might I add, it’s a very good service. Unparalleled, actually.”
“I know. I’m the leading lady in the business.”
“I’m sure.” He winked at me and moved to exit the bed. I could see the in the way that he moved that the loss of contact was as difficult for him as it was for me. The sight of his naked back and toned legs was making me bite my lip and I utterly regretted that I had to remind him of the box.
I wrapped the covers closely around me and wondered how he didn’t seem cold. We were in the attic of his new pub, where he had a bed, a night stand, and nothing more except candles and cobwebs. The heating up here didn’t work as well as it should, and he had put up a few heaters to make it somewhat bearable. The journey had been long, and the tiredness was beginning to make me feel cold. Of course, we had welcomed each other like we always used to do, including the discarding of clothes and heated, passionate embraces. All of the worries and all of the girls’ warnings seemed to drift away whenever he was close. I both hated and loved the way he was making me vulnerable like that.
“Holy hell.” I was pulled away from my thoughts as I heard him say. He had procured a couple of scissors and had managed to open the box. From what I could see behind his back, it was some sort of scarf.
“What is it?” I crawled out of the bed, still with the covers wrapped around me. I cringed at the feeling of the cool wooden boards beneath my feet.
“It’s …” His voice came out in a strange way. As if he was crying. He quickly managed to conceal it. “It’s … a lot of items back from Nathan’s.”
“Yours?”
I could see him nodding. He was sitting down, crouched over the box, and picking up various frames and other items from inside of it.
“Did you forget to pack them?” I was confused. Why did he seem so moved about items from Nathan’s?
He shook his head and quickly removed something from his eye. I sat down next to him and noticed the glistening of the tears in his eyes.
“I … I threw these things away. When Yasmin overtook the pub, I threw them out. I told her there was no need for me to keep them.”
I laid a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it lightly. He swallowed and continued.
“What are they?”
“They’re … a lot of memories, actually. A scarf from when I was a boy. Old football posters. I wanted to get rid of them.”
“Why?” I was completely confused.
“Because everything else was fucked up. No matter what, I didn’t deserve to be happy.”
“Why on earth would you even think that?” I had a fleeting idea why he felt that way, but I couldn’t tell him that. The slim chance that he was actually going to tell me something about his past … or his feelings, even … was something I wouldn’t dare miss.
He looked up from the box and looked me directly in the eyes. The raw emotion in them was making me lose my breath.
“I had lost you. I had made sure you ran away, Cas. I ruined everything back then.”
His words hurt. They made it feel like a knife was twisting in my heart. The strangeness of the situation was making a lump of tears appear in my throat, too.
“You’ve never told me why.” I could hear that my voice was thick. It hurt to talk about these things. I didn’t even know if I wanted his answer. Maybe his answer was terrible, and I would have to leave him, and never look back, and find my way back home from London, somehow. My eyes had fixated themselves onto a small spot on the floor, when he took my hands in his own and prompted me to look at him.
“I was scared, Cas.”
“Scared of what?” My voice was heavy with tears, but I couldn’t cry right now.
“That I was going to ruin everything.”
“You got really damn close, I can tell you that.” Thoughts of that infamous night appeared in my brain. Me, running down the stairs while tears were running down my face. Me, hitting the street while I was crying with desperation. Me, scraping my knees and screaming into the night with the pain that I felt. And the aftermath. The trip to London, the wanting to abort my baby, the desperation, my parents … and Richard.
“I came from … I came from shit, you know that.” He wiped a tear away and took my hands again, squeezing them slightly.
“I … I didn’t.” He looked down. It looked like he was bracing himself for a painful trip down memory lane.
“My dad. He was … terrible. He’d beat us whenever we slipped up and didn’t obey the rules. And well … we did that a lot.”
“Who is we?” I pretended I knew nothing about his family.
“My brother and myself. In time, he managed to fit in. I didn’t. I’ve always seen myself as my Dad’s complete opposite.”
I struggled to see the relevance but stayed put. This was the most solemn I had ever seen him.
“And?”
“When he was younger, he … he partied a lot. He had a lot of girlfriends and stuff. He was never the … down-to-earth kind of guy, or so I heard. When my Mom fell pregnant, everything changed. He began to be really religious. Because now there were kids on the way, and he had to do right by God … or something, I don’t know. Over the years, he changed into the dreadful person he was.”
“Why did you never tell me this?” I remember the things that Nathan had told me. But if Michael had been the one to tell them, so many problems would have been avoided.
“I couldn’t. I … I was afraid you’d think I was some kind of loser.”
“You?!? What the fuck, Michael. If anything, it was I that -” He didn’t let me finish.
“Think about it. I ran into you that day, and you were there, with that funny little accent of yours, and your office dresscode and everything. I was just a worker. I couldn’t go “hey Cas. I’m a poor guy with a terrible background.””
“Well. You could have brought it up along the way. There have been a couple of minutes now and then.” I smiled at him but it was a sad smile. We’d spent so much time together but never really talked. Not until now.
“Everything happened so fast. I was going to ask you to … well. Be a bit more steady than we were. But that night, you ran away from me. I’m so, so sorry about that night. Something had … had clicked inside of me, I …”
I could see his eyes welling up with tears.
“Hold on. What night?”
“Way before all the things with Teddy. The night with the snow. We had been to the pub, and -”
“I remember.” I clenched my teeth at the way he’d made me feel that night. “But that’s long gone now.”
We sat in silence, holding hands, thinking about the terrible things we’d been through. After a while, he breathed in, as if steeling himself for what he was about to say.
“I got … I got so afraid, Cas. I got afraid that maybe he wasn’t mine. I was afraid that he’d hate me. I was afraid I was going to ruin him, you, everyone. What if I turned into the monster that my Dad was. I couldn’t … I couldn’t stand the thought of it.”
I could feel a tear in the corner of my eye and tried to blink it away.
“Don’t you think there was a better way?”
“Perhaps. At the time, I felt I had to make sure that you went away. Away from me.”
The tear from before was now running freely, along with several others. Although it hurt to relive that night again, I knew it was for the best.
“And that was how you knew I would do that.”
“It was. And I am so, so fucking sorry. I hate myself for that night. If I could, I would erase it out of time. Believe me.”
He put my face between his hands and wiped the tears away with his thumbs. “Hey. Hey. Look at me.”
I looked up at him, my vision blurred from the tears, and I saw his deep blue eyes - the ones that he’d passed on to our son - looking into mine. He kissed the tip of my nose and pressed his forehead against mine.
“I won’t ever ask you to forgive me. But please. Just know that I am so sorry.”
I sniffled and rejoiced in his touch, pressing my hand against his. We sat there for long enough to make it feel like my tears had gone away for good.
“What happened after?”
He shuffled back from where he was sitting. He pulled up a football scarf from the box I’d brought along to London.
“Everything went bad there.”
“How?”
He sighed. As if the sheer memory of that time was causing him pain.
“I drank. A lot. I … I tried to forget you. So I tried to hook up with … a lot of people.”
I felt a knot forming in my stomach. The thought of women and Michael never failed to make me feel sick with jealousy.
“And it didn’t work. No matter how, no matter who it was, she wasn’t you.”
He looked down, head bowed in shame. “And every night after one of these … meetings, I’d just drink enough to make me feel numb. And I’d take another one home, and that didn’t work either. And she’d leave, and I’d pass out, and I’d dream about you.”
I could see my hands moving by themselves without me even thinking about it, reaching out to caress him. I had no idea he had felt like this.
“I dreamt about you every night, Cas. You were … you looked so happy. That was all that mattered. In my dreams, you were happy without me. I felt some sick comfort in that.” He wiped a tear away from the corner of his eye.
“The reality was a bit different.” I bit my lip at the thought of the pain I felt back then. He finally looked up from the floorboards and looked me in the eyes.
“I am so, so sorry. So fucking sorry.” He whispered.
I got up slightly, but only just enough to get over and straddle him. At the same time, I wrapped my covers around the both of us. His skin had become cool and I wrapped my arms around him and held him close. I felt his hands on my back, pressing me closer to him as he exhaled a sigh.
“I understand that you don’t want to risk anything.” He whispered against the nape of my neck. “I understand that you can’t come and live here right now. But I’m here. I’m here, if you want me.”
I clenched my eyes shut as a few more tears left their safe havens. I knew that I couldn’t leave Kenmare right now. But by God, the pain of not being near him was unbearable.
“Just hold me.” I sniffled against him and he did as I asked.
( … )
He got up from the floor, with me and the covers wrapped closely around him. He moved through the room, until finally, he laid us down on the bed. Our eyes met, and it felt like we had never been this close. I loved him so absolutely, so completely, and it felt like the love was going to make me explode with emotion. His hand went up to my face, caressing my cheek softly as he looked into my eyes.
“Marry me.” He said lowly. It felt like I should have been surprised, but I wasn’t. It felt utterly perfect.
“No.” I replied and kissed him softly.
“Marry me.” He said once more.
“No.”
“Someday.”
“Yeah.”
That was enough for him, it seemed. He embraced me with such emotion that it felt like exactly what it was. A contract of love, sealed by two lovers in the night. He kissed me as though we’d never kissed before. Softly, yet urgent, his lips parted mine as my arms closed around his neck and my legs wrapped around his waist.
