#tinm

[beauty-and-the-bert]

lmao nooooo omg what if gilbert

(very cursed) (nsfw) (spoilers)

straight-up EATS during sex? like he's naked on top of you and doing his bitey-lickey routine, and then he's like, "you did well, let me gift you the gift of gifting me a food."

and then he pulls out a motherfucking 6-foot sub and starts cranking it into his mouth while cranking his dick inside your hole. but joke's on you, he finishes the sub before he finishes filling you up. all the crumbs get licked off you and all the pickles get mouth-fed in kiss after acidic-juicy kiss, and that's when you realize that his gift was actually the gift of pickles

this man physically cannot sex you without replenishing his ATP in real-time

[beauty-and-the-bert]

NOOOOOO MUPPET IKEMEN DO NOT NEED TO ENTER THIS WORLD

Muppetbert von Feltsidian, Muppetvalier, Muppet Lelouch, MUPPET LELOUCH

MUPPET LELOUCH !!!!???????

CLUPPET :')

edit: NO WAIT DID SOMEONE DRAW IKEMEN AS MUPPETS? I THINK I SAW THAT SOMEWHERE??? PLS SOMEONE TELL ME???

[beauty-and-the-bert]

Fanfic idea dump, volume 1.1

Would love nothing more than to be able to write these one day, but let me at least put them out in the world for now.

Since the AU challenge recently ended, here's some of the things I'd brainstormed for it but then never wrote out because I am me.

(minors dni)

For the Modern AU prompt, I'd wanted to write a fic where Chevalier is an astronaut. He is a French national with the European Space Agency, but he's working with NASA. The main scene was going to involve him dealing with a malfunction while on a spacewalk, because what's cooler than seeing a veritable genius troubleshoot a life-threatening problem in the desolate environment of space? But I need to do a lot of research before writing it. I want it to be at least somewhat grounded in reality, although not filled with so much jargon that it's off-putting to the reader. It would also be really interesting to have the reader work at mission control and be on headset with Chevalier the entire time this crisis unfolds and gets progressively worse.

Also for the Modern AU prompt, I wanted to write a fic where Jean is a late-night news anchor who has to go on one night and report that vampires are real, even though he's secretly a vampire himself. You work at the station with him, and though you don't know him very well, you've gotten closer to him over the past few weeks. One time you made a silly flub during your weather report and caught Jean smiling at you, and while you would have been mortified under any other circumstance, seeing this normally emotionally-reserved man betray such an expression makes you start simping hard for him.

Anyway, in an effort to ease the anxieties of the public, right after announcing the existence of vampires, Jean confesses that he is one too. He gives a emphatic speech about how there are both good and bad vampires in the world, just as there are good and bad humans. Then he implores his viewers, implores the crew behind the camera, that he will do whatever it takes to earn their trust again from square one, but that it's a two-way road, and if coexistence can happen, humans need to show that they are trustworthy as well. And then it feels like he's pointedly looking at you because you'd arrived at the station late that day and confided in Jean that you'd seen a small, starving vampire child had come up to you begging for food, but it had terrified you and you'd run away :') :') :')

Also also for the Modern AU prompt, I'd wanted to write a fic where Gilbert's a master plumber (he was the youngest in the world to have gotten his license, at the age of 18; you even see his picture in the book of world records many years before you meet him lol). He worked in commercial-industrial plumbing for the first few years, then lost use of his left eye in a workplace accident, left the company he worked for and started working as an independent residential contractor.

Ngl tho this fic ended up just being an excuse to put him in black coveralls with blood-red utility gloves, but truly just an excuse for you to invite him into the shower fully-clothed for some intense making out, then some more making-out, then le sexy sex. As a SIDE B to that, I was also thinking about a cozy sort of scene where you're laying inside his van with him, snuggled beside him, watching plumbing tutorials on youtube on his phone-screen. He has one of those high-end tech-bro hyper-phones that do everything because he's an engineering geek.

Also also also for the Modern AU prompt, I wanted to write a fic where Silvio works in maritime search-and-rescue. You get trapped in a dangerous underwater cave during a diving excursion, and naturally I have to throw in a scene where Silvio gives you his air-regulator before you, like, you know, die. This is another fic that is going to take a wealth of research and hours of binging Dive Talk.

Also also also also for the Modern AU prompt, I wanted to write the reader being a commercial airline pilot and Nokto being the flight attendant and... that's all that needs to be said because the story basically writes itself. But if it writes itself, why have I not written it? Writing paralysis my friend. One day!!

Also also also also also, I wanted to write Leon as a tornado chaser, Keith as a coroner, and Licht as a Hollywood stuntman. Fuck those are such cool ideas. Please, my brain! Write these!! Draw these!!

I started writing this post because I wanted to share my idea for Chev and Gilbert for the Celebrity prompt, but this post is long enough :')

[beauty-and-the-bert]

Jean, but he is the Literal King of the Vampires

(Regrettably I laughed the first time I imagined it. Shame on me honestly)

Jean didn't inherit his throne but was instead near-unanimously appointed by members of his vampiric legislature, which makes him less of a king and more of a prime minister...

SO JEAN, THE PRIME MINISTER OF THE VAMPIRES*

(I hate myself for giggling)

*only applies to his jurisdiction

**I know you didn't ask but Leonardo is one of the few who didn't vote for Jean, and this created something of a rift between them, though neither side admits it.

(I tell myself I'm writing this so I'll finally start taking "Prime Minister Jean" seriously orz)

◆ 18+ blog, minors dni. I don't reply to ageless blogs, sorry!

Prime Minister Jean came from humble beginnings; a true self-made man who rose into the upper echelons of vampire politics through progressive policies and public projects that always put the common vampire first. His greatest success was seeing his constituents through a significantly weakened blood economy following a supply chain crisis (widespread rouge contamination). Amidst the growing class inequality, civil war (and war with an allied superpower) became imminent, but Jean helped turned the tide with rigorous negotiations and unusual cunning.

Through it all he remained vigilant and grounded, with a healthy dose of idealism, even at a point in his career where others would have grown disillusioned and succumbed to corruption. But Jean stayed true to himself and his platform.

To be sure, one of the reasons his political rise was so meteoric was due to what others saw as naivete. Powerful players hidden in the wings viewed Jean's popularity with the people as a tool to exploit for their own means. They knew he was a man of principle and could scarcely be swayed to do their bidding, but it was hardly necessary for a pawn to see the playing board.

And so Jean, spotless and without controversy, was installed at the head of his government in what he believed to be a fair vote among his peers.

Or so he let on.

If only they'd known how intimately acquainted Jean already was with the under-workings of vampire society and the horrific secret that kept it running. Perhaps all the horror that was to come could have been avoided.

◆ Inspired by random listless staring at the election logo, that one Ethan Hawke vampire movie, @leonardhoee's ikevamp villain headcanon (hoping to go in a different direction with this though), and pretty much anything @batteryrose comes up with with his talent for worldbuilding

◆ Please don't expect sound or even logical political worldbuilding. I'm doing cursory googles and winging it.

◆ Also please don't actually expect this to get written. Like at all.

[beauty-and-the-bert]

I already have a monster hunter AU with Silvio, so it would make sense to combine the Kraken AU into that one 🤔Maybe the Kraken is the first monster he ever encounters and he loses that first time. He, the sole survivor, his hair matted with blood, broken ribs, dislocated shoulder, fading consciousness, and he's hanging on to the side of a cargo container torn to shreds, with unfathomable fury burning tears in his eyes (Watch out for sharks!)

Omg actually I had another story where Silvio gets kidnapped by pirates and he goes berserk and slaughters them all, so I could combine that story into the monster hunter kraken au frankenfest as well yes. Yesss. Yessss. It's coming together now.

Thank you @yarnnerdally for posting that two steps from hell album cover art!

[beauty-and-the-bert]

While I'm on the topic of mechs, in my Ikepri mech AU, Clavis

*remembers giving Clavis's role to Nokto*

Oh right. Woops.

Chev revokes Clavis's piloting rights after a disastrous screw-up.

Yes Chev actually does it so Clavis won't jeopardize their current objective (moon siege) but also so Clavis doesn't make things worse and get himself killed.

Yes, Clavis doesn't realize that's the actual reason, because Chev delivers the order while publicly humiliating Clavis in the process and never explaining himself. In his mind, if Clavis can't figure out something so simple on his own then he's not worth having on the team.

Which of course is as false as it is true because Chev thinks in paradoxes and Clavis is in fact his most elite pilot. Clavis, being Clavis, ups his let's-casually-sabotage-Chev's-mech-in-the-hopes-that-he-casually-dies-in-the-vacuum-of-space game.

Emma watches the whole thing unfold with mounting disbelief at just how bad the two brothers are at being brothers. Granted she's been watching this entire saga for the better part of a year now, and the brothers are too far in the knobhead category to respond to her interventions.

That's fine, Emma has her own concerns: she's had to fly around in the former general's mech in order to give enemy forces the impression that he's still alive. It's as irritating as it is terrifying. She was on her way up the ranks on her own merit before she was pulled into the conspiracy. Now she's the one who's effectively dead so that the former general can be alive.

◆ You may think that bit with Emma is based on her role as Belle in the game, and obviously you'd be right, but it's also inspired by the events from one of my most fav fics ever from a thousand years ago Love's Cruel Fate. And probably also Voltron.

◆ Photos by Kendrick Fernandez and Luca Tosoni on Unsplash

◆ I have an Ikevamp mech AU too, and I'm debating combining it into this one.

◆ 18+ blog, minors dni. I don't reply to ageless blogs.

[beauty-and-the-bert]

Undressing Gilbert with your eyes, but

(nsfw) (minors dni)

being strategic about it and removing everything except for the gloves.

I really want to draw Nudebert with nothing but the gloves. Well, just shirtless. But him laying naked in a bed of black roses with a gloved hand over his cock is perhaps a painting that needs to pour out from my pen.

[beauty-and-the-bert]

yes but what if Jin uses his lollypops to

(cursed?) (very nsfw)

play the drums on your breasts, tap your nipples, swirl your nipples, sticky your nipples so he can licky your nipples. does he ever have you two work on the same lollypop and turn it into a very colorful kiss? does he languorously drag the lollypop all the way down and down and down to your pubic mound and apply pressure there while he fingers you?

i shant say he fucks you with the lollypop because that sounds like a heckin bad idea :')