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I’ve never talked to anyone about this, not even Mikasa or Armin. Mikasa suspects it, but being my ever-loyal sister, she probably understands me in more ways I can imagine, or just decided to stick with me till the end. Everyone in the military knows me for the most passionate when it comes to Titans and the war, and I truly am. I want to erase them from the face of the world, to kill every single one until none is left. Ever since the day Mom died that has been my goal and motivation.
But no one knows that there were also a time where I almost gave up. When we were rescued by Hannes and put into one of the Maria refuge colonies to “live” and to work, we’ve been through a lot already, but what we’ve witnessed since then was so ugly in every way it almost crushed me. Watching Armin’s grandfather being send out to die, but unable to help. The way the Military Police treated us, the way they gave us our daily rations, as if they were feeding useless filthy strays. The aggression caused by the constriction, the depression, the hopelessness of life. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve been thinking about giving up. Not all the time, but a few times.
Where is the beauty in a world like this?
But then, I’d remember my Mom, and thinking of her always brings me back to that day where we lost everything. And then I remembered why she died.
She died because of the Titans. She died because Titans exist in this world, robbing us of our freedom and life.
I’d rather live and annihilate them, then give up and die.
The world is fucked up, people are fucked up, and everyone’s scared and selfish and cruel. But that’s all their fault.
It’s the Titans.
Without them, we’d be able to live in freedom. We wouldn’t have to protect a single loaf of bread with our life, or be treated like trash because we come from a ‘Titan infested’ homeland. We’d be able to break free. That’s when I stopped thinking about giving up.
Because once we’re free, we’ll be able to see beauty in this world.
For the world outside is beautiful.
Armin said so, and I believe him.