Joel hadn’t known it would hit him like this. He and Ellie were out on a run, mostly looking for more books and cassette tapes to bring back to Jackson. They always made a habit of checking the kitchen and bathroom cabinets just in case something was left.
He had been staring at the pancake mix box for five full minutes. He’d stopped seeing it a few minutes ago, after the tears had filled his eyes and blurred everything in front of him. Now they were flowing freely, and he couldn’t focus on the box with all of the images of Sarah running through his head. He wished he could drag his ass to the grocery store to pick up the mix so he could make them for her one more time. He made them infrequently enough that he always ruined the first few.
“It’s the first pancake rule, Dad, not the first eight! Get it together.” Her gentle laughter used to soften the teasing, but now it only made it harsher.
He didn’t hear Ellie approach, didn’t hear if she’d said anything, but her hand on his arm refocused his eyes on the box, brought him back to the present at least in part. Nothing could pull back the bits of his heart that had stayed behind with Sarah.
Ellie turned him gently away from the counter, her concerned eyes searching his face. She didn’t try to take the box away. She didn’t know what it meant, not exactly, but she knew enough to recognize a Sarah trigger. She always let him let them go at his own pace. She hugged his free arm, snaking one hand down to hold his, linking their fingers tightly.
“I’m here, Joel, I’m here with you,” she said quietly, her thumb brushing across his.
Eventually the pressure of her against his arm and the delicate patterns she drew over his thumb brought him slowly back, out of his memories and guilt and the chasm of his love for Sarah, somehow feeling so tragically empty when in reality it was overflowing with love that had no where to go.
Joel finally moved the pancake mix box, placing it delicately back on the shelf he had found it, and closed the cupboard door. He raised that hand to his eyes, surprised to find tears still leaking out.
Ellie reached up to take his face in both her hands the way he did for her whenever she cried. She smiled sadly at him, brushing her thumbs across his cheeks to wipe away his tears, then pulled him toward her and hugged him tightly.
