Ahh! Here we go! It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted something, or at least it feels that way. Anyway, here is my entry for both SnK Positivity Week day 2 and the the July prompt from @ereri-writing-prompts! (You can find the prompt here and you can also read on AO3 if you’d prefer!) I really hope you all enjoy! <3
“Have we met before?”
Eren found that he asked people that a lot. Everywhere he went, in nearly everyone he met, there was a sense of familiarity that he couldn’t shake. Deja vu hung heavy in his mind like the effect of a voodoo curse. Faces sparked a memory, names sparked another, but nothing truly ignited into anything more than just that. A spark. Trying to remember was like trying to light a match that was soaked in water. Imposible.
It all started with his best friend in kindergarten. A little blonde boy with bright blue eyes that were bathed in curiosity. He was playing with a stuffed whale of all things, but the toy matched the boy perfectly in Eren’s mind, what with his navy shirt that was decorated with various different sea creatures. But it was more than that. The longer he watched, Eren felt a strange sensation tugging in the back of his head.
That’s my friend, he had thought to himself.
It surprised everyone when he started crying.
Sapphire eyes snapped to Eren when his sniffling grew louder, his arms stretched outwards as he held up the whale in offering. “Hey, don’t cry.” His small voice was anything but timid when he spoke up, setting the stuffed animal against Eren’s chest. “You can play too.”
Eren had taken the whale with careful hands as if it were alive and capable of hurting. But Eren was the one hurting; in his chest where his sobs beat along with his breaking heart. He didn’t understand the pain, had no name for it, but he found that it only relieved when he pulled the blond boy into an embrace.
“You’re welcome, Eren.”
He didn’t have the slightest clue how this boy seemed to know his name without introduction, or how he remembered him as Armin. All Eren knew was that this was his friend and, even though he didn’t understand it, he had missed him very, very much.
It happened again when he was eight and once more when he was fifteen. It happened a lot when he was fifteen. Sophomore year of high school was the worst on an emotional level. Though he had made a lot of friends, he was also plagued by the same feeling he had when he met Armin in kindergarten.
Thank goodness he hadn’t started sobbing.
Now, at twenty-three, it was still happening. He was standing at a crosswalk, waiting rather impatiently for the pedestrian light to turn green so he could continue on his way to work. Eren stood as close to the curb as possible, clicking the button on the post yet again in attempt to make the light turn faster. It wouldn’t.
In the end, Eren would thank his lucky stars for the rest of his life that it wouldn’t.
He heard the man talking into his cellphone before he saw him, the voice low and slightly gravelly. His ears seemed to perk in recognition at the voice, his heart squeezing and cracking and fluttering in his chest all at one time. But it was when Eren turned to face the person speaking that he felt it. Tears making salty tracks down his flushed cheeks, all the oxygen disappearing from the air, leaving him gaping at the man he swore he knew but couldn’t name.
It was like an out of body experience. Like he was looking at the unsuspecting stranger with an old pair of eyes; the same pair of eyes that had known Armin upon first glance. And now, this man. This short, staggeringly beautiful, raven-haired man with a raging potty mouth and withdrawn exterior. It was his eyes that stuck out most; steely silver, dotted with flecks of blue and black and gold. Eren could vaguely remember how it felt to be caught under his gaze, intimidating and enrapturing.
He was caught now, the eyes he was intensely staring at glaring back guarded and slightly aggressive.
“Hold on, Erwin. Let me call you back,” he gruffed out, not waiting for Erwin’s reply before he hung up and turned to put his entire focus on Eren. “Can I help you with something, brat?”
Eren had never felt so scared in his life. He wasn’t afraid of this man, rather the feelings that rose up in the pit of his stomach when he spoke directly to him. Taking a deep breath, his tears continued to fall. Eren didn’t bother wiping them away, knowing that only more would take their place.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered as quietly as a breath when his voice finally decided to work again. He could barely feel himself breathing. “It’s just… Well, I… Have we met before?”
The raven-haired man regarded him closely, intent eyes scanning him up and down in thought before meeting his gaze again. “No.”
The word held a bitter note, bit the strings around Eren’s heart until he felt his hope deflating. It was like a punch to the gut, all of the air huffing out of his lungs to leave him breathless once more. “I… I’m sorry for wasting your time…”
Eren normally didn’t give up so easily. He fought tooth and nail for the things he wanted, pushed and broke himself down until he got it. But somehow, with this stranger, he knew. Eren knew that this man was stubborn, too stubborn to admit defeat just like him. Too stubborn to let himself remember pain unimaginable, to let himself be happy in this second life they were given. Captain Levi was just as bullheaded as he was, so if he decided he didn’t remember, he didn’t.
He wouldn’t.
Captain Levi?...
But Eren normally didn’t give up so easily.
The pedestrian light finally switched to green, but before Levi could walk away Eren caught his wrist to stop him in a fit of courage.
“Hey, what the fuck?!” Levi snapped and tried to wrench his arm free, but Eren only held tighter.
“Captain,” Eren didn’t have to force the word out, it was a natural reaction.
Suddenly, the world he remembered wasn’t just a nightmare anymore, it was a memory. It was time stolen and repressed, a scar with a bandaid slapped over it, hurting and healed and hidden. It was excruciating, a high of pain Eren didn’t think he would ever come down from. It finally all made sense, the feeling of deja vu that seemed to follow Eren everywhere he went, why he was so sure he knew people before he ever learned their names. It was because he did know them. He knew Armin was his best friend that he felt he missed for years just like he knows now that this is Captain Levi, his superior he had been in love until the day he died.
He remember his death now, the feeling of regret that had risen in his throat and spilled forth as an apology. Eren didn’t die at the hands of titans, or people who didn’t believe in him like he expected to. Rather, he faded. Like old linens and sunset, he faded. Dimmed and disappeared, vanishing off the face of the earth in a plume of steam from Levi’s arms.
Eren had lived plenty of lives between then and now. Some were long lived and prosperous, some were short and more delicate, but they were all just as empty because he wasn’t there. This was the first time Eren was meeting Levi again and he was sure to make it count.
This time, there would be no regrets.
Levi stared at him intensely, but something flashed in his eyes that was long forgotten and haunted. “I--”
“I’m sorry,” Eren echoed from his past life, his emotions getting the best of him. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t remember me, but you have to know. You have to know how sorry I am.” His tears were spilling over in streams, dripping down his cheeks to fall on the sidewalk like raindrops. It surprised him to see tears lining Levi’s lashes as well. “I’m sorry I never told you how I felt before I died. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay with you. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be more for you. That I didn’t do more. I--”
“Stop.” Levi demanded, his cheeks flushed as bitter wind nipped at his pale skin. He ripped his arm out of Eren’s grip and turned to walk away, back the way he had come. “Just stop. I don’t know you, kid. You’re fucking crazy.” He spit the words through clenched teeth, as if the taste of them were burning his tongue.
Levi walked away like nothing happened, but Eren could see the way his shoulders were tensed beneath his shirt. He didn’t feel like going into work, his stomach churning with his shot nerves, so he decided to turn back towards home as well.
Back towards an empty apartment where his soft sobs would carry through the walls to his next door neighbor. His neighbor that was curious and caring, that he had become fast friends with, even if they were a bit bonkers. His neighbor Hanji, who just happened to be friends with a certain someone who was currently having tea in their living room, discussing the strange occurrence of what had just happened to him on the street.
Hanji, who remembered; who had always known.
Hanji, with their cursed mind and bleeding heart, was about to set the record straight.
