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im in your messages, telling you about a new tom that just dropped.

Today ~ Today was hectic. It made me head spin and blood boil so many times throughout the day that I can't even count. Physically speaking, I think I'm doing good; I was able to work out as a should. I had intended to go out and play tennis today, but I had a feeling (as i got out of bed) that it wasn't happening. There were a number of errands I needed to attend to. Paying the phone and internet bills wouldn't have been so hard if not for the fact that the guy who sold me the new "upgrade" failed to mention that it wasn't an upgrade at all! I subscribed to an entirely DIFFERENT/NEW account so we ended up paying twice the amount for internet for June. Mental note, I have to return there on Friday to terminate ONE of the accounts. It's all such a hassle... There were a lot of things i know I should have done to prevent it from happening, but you know what? Screw it. It happened. It's just another stress I can leave for Friday. I have other things to attend to today... Well, I did have other things, but most of them couldn't really be done just yet. Paperwork is needed to renew one's passport, and in the case of my younger brother... He's still a minor, and a parent would need to be present. Sure, I can handle a number of errands any parent should do, but I can't pose as one in front of a government official. I'm not even married yet! It just doesn't work that way, yeah? My parents can give me most of their responsibilities since they're abroad, but I just can't do my brother's passport renewal, 'kay? Don't blame me. My head already hurts from the telephone company mayhem earlier today. Time to forget about it and relax a bit... How do I relax? I sit down with my roommate, Mr. PS3, and play through a bunch of side quests I hadn't completed during my first playthrough of Star Ocean: The Last Hope. How can I waste my time playing a silly old fictional story on a box with a wireless remote, you wonder! Oh no, this is not wasted time. This is time well spent... Well spent getting ALL 10 secret endings! If you were standing opposite me on a football field, you would have heard the insidious maniac-like laughter that just erupted from my twisted lips. You would probably sudder and stoop away, hoping to never meet me in person... Anyway, the point is, it's one of the only easy I can kick butt without being arrested or sued for assault. It calms me. Don't judge... I'm sure not judging you! After about 3 hours of relaxingly kicking fictional ass, it was finally time to start vocalizing and that's just what I did until they called me for dinner. Now... I won't go into detail about what happened at dinner, but I was distraught. I'll probably save it for another day, but what happened was pretty personal. It stung me simply because I felt responsible for it. For me, I want to do all I can for my family even if people don't see what I actually do. The realization hurt. It hurt because I feel like an outsider in my own home. My relatives staying here at my house don't eat with me... They look at me with disdain and talk about me behind my back. I felt so cornered. I was doing a lot for them; I almost wanted to scream, "If you don't like me, you're free to leave!" I couldn't, of course. I'm not cruel... I cried, feeling underappreciated and alone in a somewhat opportunistic family. Those feelings left me psychologically incapable of doing anything constructive after that. I still had voice work I needed to improve upon. Homework I still needed to finish up. I looked at myself in the mirror and found my reflection repulsive. Fat. Useless. Ugly. What was wrong with my hair? I had tried to sing at my desk, standing up, moving around, but to no avail. I couldnt bring out what I knew I could. Wait... What I knew? I began to question whether or not I was good enough or if I was only fooling myself. Maybe it was what I thought I knew?? My mind began to spiral horribly, but... I had to get this done. I had homework from the team, and I think, had it not been for that thought, i might not have climbed out of my rut. At first, sure, I was practically pushing and forcing myself to do it... And yes, I hated my voice the first, the second, the third, forth, fifth .... time I sang, but I persisted. I thought about the times when I thought I sounded alright. When I was having fun and just performing! I stopped thinking about how bad I thought I sounded, and began thinking, "why?" and promptly found my answer after maybe the 20th time through the song. I tired myself out the most the last time through, and I was semi-okay with the take. With the state of mind I had earlier, it was the best my Wednesday-self could accomplish. It wasn't my personal best... But I think I brought something. I KNOW for sure that I didn't regret trying. At least it's something! I don't normally rant or talk about my feelings about a particular day on the day itself, but today I'll make an exception. Doing this made me clear my head. It also made me feel ten times better... I attribute today's mood swings to being a girl. Sometimes being a girl sucks, and most of the time, it's a hormones thing. Gotta hate having Tom just around the corner! ^-Serenity

#TOM blogging #Today #personal rant #just to feel better