Hello, my friends. It’s been quite a while and for that, I apologize deeply. I’m not going to sugar coat it. I have some things I need to get off my chest. [I’d appreciate it if you don’t reblog this. thanks.] I’ve been in therapy. I’ve been to sessions. I’ve been hospitalized. I’ve taken a shit load of pills. I’ve been in pain. I’ve been in denial. I’ve tried to hide it all under a calm and collected appearance. But like all things that require concentration, once I was too tired to keep up the facade, it all came crashing down and I snapped. I have no longer been able to sustain and take care of myself, so, I moved back with my parents, far away from all my friends. THIS has not been easy, but it had to be done. I’m broke and miserable. My strongest fear has always been showing weakness. Imperfection. Whenever I’m in trouble, I tend to isolate myself as much as possible. So, that’s the main reason I haven’t been active on my accounts. I just can’t bring myself to talk to anyone. I could say I was busy. Sure, in a way. But never busy enough not to say hi, I just tend to lurk around. See what everyone else is doing while waiting for things to clear up in my head. This happened before... and I just let history repeat itself, like an idiot. It was a lot less violent this time around, since I was somewhat familiar with how to proceed. Here I am, saying i wouldn’t sugar coat it, but I keep stalling. Fine... I guess in the back of my mind I keep hoping that a wall of text with deter anyone from reading too much of this, but i promised myself I’d goddamn do this, and I will. About 7 years ago I was diagnosed with schizophrenia/schizoaffective dissorder. I dropped out of my college scholarship, my dream job and got involuntarily hospitalized. I’ve been getting treatment ever since and well... sometimes I skip on it. Because... yeah, there’s no real excuse... I just don’t like the way it “inhibits” me. But like a reverse addicts, i keep telling myself: “It’s fine, i know when to get back on it before any major episodes”. just... take the damn treatment. This is no joke. My only saving grace, if you can call it that, was that I got the initial treatment early, so it’ a lot more “mild” if I make sure to take care of myself properly.
The fact that I’ve actually kept my new year’s resolution about drastically reducing my alcohol intake has also been a factor in my collapse. I had alcohol as a way of numbing my thoughts. Don’t we all... So... yeah... It’s been rough. But I’m back now. So Hello again! I might just post a lighter note on my main blog, since this has a more personal touch. I still won’t be particularly “out” about this, but my therapist’s suggestion was to let go of it. I want to accept myself and in striving to get better/be a better person, this had to be said. I can honestly say that it was difficult. more so than I thought... but I’m kinda relieved. Letting out things that eat away at you is liberating. You hear it all the time, but it only clicks once you really see it/feel it for yourself.
Well, if you read this, congrats, you know my “dirty secret”? I might be a bit of a different man... but not much. I’ve just grown a little...and well, I admit, i do feel as if I am a bit more cynical. But that’s only because I’m trying to be more true to myself and well... I’m hateful and bitter towards most things regarding people on a daily basis. My favorite mental game is to pretend I’m a robot that just observes the day to day life of organic life forms. That somehow makes me feel better. Anyway, I might still be a bit quiet... but I’m just getting readjusted. I’ll be posting some of the things I’ve worked on, in my moments of inspiration. Thanks for being my friend.