Contrary to popular opinion: Poly / ENM relationships are not inherently more likely to end in messy breakups.
IMO, there are a couple reasons why this misconception exists.
More relationships = More breakups. The vast majority of relationships, including monogamous relationships, will eventually end. Nonmonogamous people have more relationships between more people; mathematically speaking, we're going to experience more breakups. This can make it look like nonmonogamous relationships break up extremely frequently, and our monogamous friends tend to read this as “messy” behavior.
Lowered expectations for longevity. Amatonormativity mandates that we view breakups as inherently negative. Relationships are expected to last forever, and if a relationship ends then it has "failed". In practicing nonmonogamy, we defy and deconstruct amatonormativity. In general, nonmonogamous folks are more likely to view the end of a relationship as a natural conclusion, while monogamous folks are more likely to cling to a relationship that’s past its expiration date - a tendency that leads to heightened tensions and increased drama. Obviously, not all monogamous people do this, and not all nonmonogamous people are good at letting go of what no longer serves them. However, the fact remains that nonmonogamous people do tend to end relationships more easily - but these endings are more likely to be amicable.
I’m sure that there are more contributing factors to this than I’ve mentioned here; I’d love to hear more from the community about your personal experiences and opinions on this. I think it’s important that we address this misconception, particularly through the lens of amatonormativity. Amatonormativity certainly affects monogamous relationships too, and everyone can benefit from unlearning the toxic belief that one singular lifelong romantic relationship should be the center of one’s universe.
Shoutout to non-monogamous folks who aren’t in closed relationships!
- solo polyamorous people
- relationship anarchists
- people in open relationships of any kind
- single non-monogamous folks
- folks who don’t want an amorous relationship
You are not a slut. You are not “afraid of commitment”. You are not “still looking for the right one”. There is value and beauty in your relationships, amorous or otherwise, and you deserve to be celebrated!
Thank you for joining us once again for Wordy Wednesday, a series where I learn you a thing about non-monogamy!
This week's term is Relationship Escalator.
Without looking it up, what do you think "Relationship Escalator" means?
That one family member who keeps asking if you're getting married
The societal expectation for a relationship to "progress" over time
A meet cute where people get stuck on an escalator together
Feelings in a relationship naturally getting more intense over time
Voting ended onApr 29
Answer below the cut!
The Relationship Escalator (noun) is "the default set of societal expectations for intimate relationships". When people in a relationship are on the Escalator, they "follow a progressive set of steps, each with visible markers, toward a clear goal". For most people - at least those in modern Western relationships - this involves flirting, dating, getting engaged, getting married, creating a legacy (having kids or buying a home for example), then "'til death do us part".
The term was coined by Amy Gahran, also known as Aggie Sez. Gahran is a journalist, editor, and author who actively ran the blog SoloPoly.net from 2012 to 2015 (with a couple stray posts appearing as late as 2020). In her introductory post in 2012, Gahran said that she had been practicing polyamory for approximately two decades. While she pointed out that "Most [advice for ethical nonmonogamy] seems to be written by or for people in established couples [...] who are opening their relationship, or who did so awhile ago", her perspective centers around being solo polyamorous and a non-primary partner.
Gahran's 2012 article "Riding the relationship escalator (or not)" coins the term, lays out the general set of steps a normative relationship takes, discusses the Escalator's negative impacts, and discusses why it is so embedded in our culture. I highly recommend giving it a read if you have the time! These are a couple of key points I'd like to highlight:
The Relationship Escalator is enforced through social and institutional means. Socially, those who diverge from the expectations of the Escalator can expect to be judged by their family, community, and peers; non-monogamy isn't broadly accepted, and even monogamous relationships that never reach the top of the Escalator are considered "failed". The only acceptable outcome of an intimate relationship is to establish a lifelong commitment and never waver, much less break up. Institutionally, there are a number of rights and privileges that only married couples, domestic partners, and established families can access. Legal recognition of a relationship opens doors that might have otherwise been shut and locked, and so "tying the knot" is considered a major goal of most relationships.
The Relationship Escalator impacts people in all sorts of relationships or no relationship at all. Monogamous folks, even those who do eventually want a lifelong commitment, often feel trapped in relationships when leaving would mean that they "failed". Polyamorous folks can't fulfill the requirements of the Escalator because it only has room for 2 people. Folks in other types of non-monogamous relationships, from open relationships to swinging, are forced to keep their non-primary partnerships secret lest they face social wrath or even legal repercussions. And single folks lack access to many social and institutional privileges, on top of facing interrogation and disapproval at every turn.
In my humble opinion, deconstructing amatonormativity (AKA: the societal expectation that everyone is happiest in a lifelong monogamous relationship) is crucial to practicing non-monogamy. Also, in my humble opinion, to understand the Relationship Escalator is to understand amatonormativity. So unpacking the Escalator and your own thoughts / experiences with it is a fantastic place to start especially if you're new to non-monogamy!
(Sources: Off The Relationship Escalator, Amy Gahran's 2012 post "Riding the relationship escalator (or not)", SoloPoly.net, Wikipedia's page on Amatonormativity)
