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A Long and Tiring Analysis of Ivan From Bad Things

okay. basically, I've been thinking about this guy for roughly 6 months now and I LOVE talking about him. I've seen some disappointing interpretations of the Bad Things characters, so as someone who strongly related to Ivan I thought it'd be beneficial to share my understanding. I'm gonna dissect the story scene-by-scene and point out everything I noticed. I hope you're ready for a long read, and I hope you learn something! :)

TL;DR: insecurity is the foundation of Ivan's personality. His biggest fear is that he will end up like his father — alone and with nothing of value to be remembered by. He is jealous of Andrew, who he believes to be successful, and treats him poorly in an attempt to resolve his feelings of inadequacy.

DISCLAIMER: I am going to speak on Ivan's character motivations in this post. This is not an attempt to defend his behavior. Having a reason to do something doesn't automatically make it okay. Andrew is a victim. He did nothing wrong. ⚠This post contains discussion of abuse and suicide⚠

Word count: 5,092

The first and most important thing to understand about Ivan is that he is a person with very low self-esteem. This is evident as early as Scene 2 (Friends), when Andrew lightheartedly says that Ivan's apartment "isn't the most lively." Though Ivan's initial reaction is lukewarm, it's implied over the next few scenes that he's been thinking about that comment a lot.

He brings it up in Scene 4 (Cleaver):

"No wonder you called my apartment pathetic and gray. I never noticed the palace you live in!"

And again in Scene 6 (Rooftop):

“[The rooftop] isn’t too bad of a view. Better than I was expecting. Being in the center of a city and all.” “Yeah. Really makes the place a bit more lively.”

The way Ivan 1.) twists Andrew's words ("pathetic and gray") and 2.) brings up the incident in a sarcastic way suggests that Ivan understood the comment very differently from how Andrew intended.

A more confident person would probably have taken it as a silly jab at the apartment and nothing more. Ivan, however, takes it as a direct attack on his character. "Pathetic" and "gray" aren't Andrew's words — they're his, implying he already thinks these things about himself. And since Ivan believes he is those things, and Andrew CLEARLY agrees (he did not say that), this means he's a failure! Andrew must think he's better than him — I mean, he lives in a palace! Comparatively.

The second thing we learn early on is that Ivan is bad at respecting boundaries. In Scene 2, despite a previous statement that Andrew "works alone," Ivan gifts Andrew a "remade script for his game." Andrew predictably rejects it, and in the following dialogue Andrew points out that Ivan looks disappointed. Okay. So, Ivan's a little pushy. He knew Andrew wouldn't want his help and still tried. What's the big deal? Well, this interaction comes back to bite them in Scene 4, when it's revealed that Andrew threw the script away. Ivan, who knows about Andrew's troubled living situation, uses this as an opportunity to appeal to Andrew's emotions:

"It's not healthy living like this. You *need* someone to lean on."

Though this can be interpreted as genuine care for Andrew (and I choose to believe he cares about his friend at least a little bit), it is undeniable that it also helps Ivan get what he wants: influence over the writing in Andrew's game. He ends the conversation by suggesting they "discuss the script rewrite," meaning he's still pushing his writing on Andrew despite being told no already.

So, Ivan really cares about being part of Andrew's creative project. Why is that?

> Scene 6: Rooftop

In an earlier paragraph I brought up this scene prematurely, and for good reason. The rooftop conversation reveals a lot about both Ivan and Andrew.

Before we get to the roof, there's a couple things I wanna point out:

Ivan goes through Andrew's stuff without permission — more evidence of him disregarding boundaries (if you couldn't find the red flags in scenes 2 and 4, this should be the first obvious one)

Ivan makes this comment about one of Andrew's belongings, a plastic trophy that reads "Best Art Direction" “He was in this game jam, competition, whatever. He was aiming for the best game overall. Getting this instead? It stung." […] "[It's] just old trash he forgot to clean out. I’ll do it for him.” In these lines, Ivan insinuates that Andrew "won" yet it still wasn't good enough. This makes me think that Ivan holds others — and himself, by extension — to high standards. To be good enough is to win the best prize, not just a prize. Put a pin in that. Also, can you catch him crossing boundaries in this dialogue? This is the third time.

Anyway, the friends move to the rooftop and Ivan bugs Andrew about game development some more. When he shows concern for Andrew "pushing himself," Andrew tells Ivan that gamedev doesn't exhaust him because it's something he loves. He uses it as an outlet, and that outlet helped him cut down on the feelings of worthlessness he'd grown up with.

“I still hated school and had bad grades, but over time, I started putting effort into things I previously couldn’t care less about.” "Heartwarming."

You might remember that Ivan lacks self-worth. Andrew, through his games, has found a way to recover from a feeling that Ivan struggles with. Not only that, Andrew's games are good enough to garner positive feedback, so... Andrew is successful, isn't he?

The most damning part of the conversation comes around when Ivan starts talking about his father. The way Ivan recounts his experience lacks the sadness one might expect from someone who lost a parent. Instead, he's... disappointed? Check out these lines:

“There were maybe 8 or 9 people. Total. Now, I know he kept to himself, but that’s ridiculous, right?”

He seems to disapprove of the fact that his father didn't leave much behind. That there weren't a lot of people who cared. That his corpse was nothing but a charred smear in the casket. This brings me back to the start of the conversation, when Andrew showed concern for Ivan (after another "lively" comment) and Ivan insisted nothing was wrong. It's pretty contradictory to say you're "not going through anything" and then waffle on about your upsetting funeral experience, right? This, combined with the trophy dialogue, shows a third trait of Ivan's personality: he values success, and he values winning. Therefore, he bottles up his feelings to look successful — and like a winner. He doesn't want people to know he has flaws. Whiiiiiiich is a result of his insecurity! Look how we've come full circle. If you put a pin in "high standards" you can take it out now. Big thanks if you've read this far, by the way.

I've been yapping for a while, so here's a quick recap of what we can learn about Ivan in scenes 2-6:

He is Andrew's friend (implied — they speak with each other comfortably, visit each other's homes, and Ivan offers Andrew a place to stay even though it's an inconvenience for him.)

He is insecure

He does not want people to know he is insecure

He believes Andrew is better than him (more on this later)

He is bad at respecting the boundaries of others

> Scene 8: Trapped

At this point Ivan has already been manipulative, intentional or not.

"No wonder you called my apartment pathetic and gray" (Scene 4) — an exaggeration to make Andrew feel bad. Because Andrew made him feel bad.

"It's not healthy living like this" (Scene 4) — tugging at Andrew's emotions to convince him that he needs Ivan's help

"I want to help my friend. It's not about the game, it's about you" (Scene 6) — hmm

But Scene 8 is when things really start to hit the fan. And I don't know if he's doing this on purpose or he just lacks self-awareness. Regardless, Ivan opens Scene 8 with some gnarly dialogue:

"There's no reason to fight about something that didn't really matter. We blew it way out of proportion, and... I don't like fighting with you."

We blew it way out of proportion. I don't like fighting with you. These words drip with a lack of accountability. Even though Ivan likely started the fight with the I'm gonna throw Andrew's shit away! from Scene 6, he includes Andrew in his language and speaks as though the fight is a burden on him. He doesn't acknowledge that he is the source of the problem.

Trait unlocked: lack of accountability! Why? Because he needs to look like a winner. So, this isn't new information, really. He's just getting worse about something we already know.

The dialogue in Scene 8 is extremely important. So, since I have a lot to say, I'm gonna condense some of it into bullet points:

Ivan rewards Andrew for his complacency (compliments him for being "diplomatic" and for "not fighting") which is a form of conditioning

“You really do deserve all that you get. Fans, likes, good reviews, numbers, the attention, the awards, the legacy.” […] “You’re a god. Almost. Relatively.” If you couldn't tell Ivan was jealous before, he's shouting it in your face now.

THE ICONIC STAIRS METAPHOR. It's hard for me not to paste the whole conversation here, because whenever I think of Ivan this is the first thing I remember. "I'm, like, a thousand steps behind. With a broken leg." The extended metaphor of the staircase is one of the most crucial parts of Ivan's character because it makes his insecurity plainly obvious. In his own words, Ivan admits that he believes he has a lower value than Andrew. Andrew has talent, and creativity, and passion, and probably a following, and — what does Ivan have? Jack shit, that's what. And even when Andrew tries to comfort him, tries to reassure him, Ivan isn't receptive to it. He's too busy feeling wronged to realize Andrew is his supportive friend, rather than his enemy.

Ivan dissociates. When Andrew asks if he's okay, Ivan reacts with hostility (can't let people know I have flaws!) Note that this is the third time Ivan has gotten defensive about a comment that could reveal him as a failure.

> Enter: THE TUMOR

I fucking love the tumor. okay. when youre playing the game youve already seen this guy from Andrew's perspective. To Andrew, the tumor represents Ivan. But to Ivan, the tumor represents a deeper part of him he doesn't want to acknowledge. When he approaches the tumor in Scene 8, he is in his own mind, bargaining with himself.

“I don’t want to hear it.” "Hear what? The truth?" “That Andrew is always right. That he’s perfect, and I’m in the wrong for feeling this way. Feeling… inadequate. I'm tired of it. It's like I failed over something I can't control.”

I'm tired of feeling worthless, he tells it. I'm afraid of ending up like my dad.

After talking to the tumor (← himself) about it, here's what he decides to do. Andrew is above him, right? He's higher on the staircase, closer to the light and the ultimate goal of success and recognition. But Ivan has a broken leg, so he can't catch up. You know what he can do? He can bring Andrew down to his level. And so begins the brutality of this relationship, in which Ivan controls and devalues Andrew to feel equal. Meanwhile, Ivan is trying to weasel his way into Andrew's game as a method of lifting himself up.

Though much of the relationship happens off screen, Scene 9 (Sailor) does an exceptional job at conveying Andrew's exhaustion and misery during his time at Ivan's apartment, as well as how he sacrifices himself to keep their friendship together.

Okay. recap time. Here's what we know about Ivan in scenes 2-9:

He is insecure

He does not want people to know he is insecure

He believes Andrew is better than him, to the point of jealousy

Due to his father's passing, he is afraid of being forgotten

He will take from others to fight this fear

And yeah he’s still bad at respecting boundaries

So, like. Scene 10 (Falling) is just awful right.

Ivan says some really nasty things.

He thinks it's ridiculous that Andrew is afraid because aren't you so much better than me? Andrew's gotta be faking it. "Playing the victim."

Ivan thinks he was being generous by offering to help Andrew, and is upset his "generosity" has been taken advantage of (reminder: Andrew did not want his help.)

"No. You don't want me at all. That's why you destroy everything I make, isn't it?" guilt tripping!

You're leeching off of me you've been here too long → Okay well I'm leaving → Nooooo :( Seems like he dislikes and likes Andrew at the same time. He hates Andrew enough to think Andrew is hurting him, but values Andrew enough that he doesn't want him to leave. Ivan likes to contradict himself — can you recall any other examples of this?

Overall just a really awful terrible time. He's releasing frustration towards Andrew that he's been sitting on for the past several scenes.

The angriest and most irrational he's been so far, Ivan almost tries to kill Andrew later in this scene. To me this marks him as an impulsive person driven by emotions rather than logic. We've already seen erratic behavior in the form of lashing out, getting defensive, and contradicting his own talking points, so I think it checks out.

Andrew gets the hell outta there (YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

When Ivan leaves the room post-fight, the hallway is full of roof access doors, which to me suggests that he could be thinking about suicide. I find it interesting that he has this thought right after Andrew tells him he plans on leaving. Since he's angry, it could be out of spite — if I died right now Andrew would feel bad. On the other hand, maybe Andrew leaving represents failure to him — he thinks he's failed so badly that he should just give up.

When speaking to his father:

"I tried so hard to escape it, but I'll still end up just like you."

Ivan is tunnel-visioned on Andrew's game and thinks it's his only way to get that sweet juicy legacy. And now Andrew is moving out. Andrew will take the game with him, and he'll have no more chances. Really, Ivan failed in more ways than he realizes right now, but that's besides the point.

Scene 12 (Mad) is a long scene, so I'm going to try to move on from it quickly. Rapid-fire quotes, go!

“You know, I used to say he’d either be a writer or a car salesman, the way he can tell a story.” — He's always been good with words. A car salesman is an interesting comparison to make, because a salesman has to be good at coercion to sell a product. Remember the manipulation?

“Always so backhanded about it. Passive-aggressive. Cowardly." [...] "Always acting like you were better. Like you deserved more than me just because you got lucky and made a few good games.” — Ivan spits his jealousy, as well as his belief that Andrew was faking his behavior and/or trying to put him down

"My poor little Ivan. So underappreciated." — It's unclear if Ivan's mom is truly acting like herself in this scene, but either interpretation has interesting implications. If you think the memory is accurate to reality, Ivan's mom could give a clue as to where Ivan's insecurity stems from. If you think the memory is fake or warped, this is likely a case of Ivan belittling himself.

“I failed. And in the process I lost the only person who could help me.” — Due to Ivan's disregard for Andrew's feelings, ignorance towards his own mental health, and obsession with legacy, I'm inclined to believe he isn't talking about the kind of help he really needs. Ivan's concern is that he lost the only person who can give him what he wants, rather than a friendship or a mental health outlet.

“Don’t you think it’s a little odd for two men to be living together?” “I don’t think it’s...” — Ivan has a crush on Andrew which is likely why he thought Andrew was so much better than him. More on this soon.

"Do you want to be forgotten? Do you want to leave behind even less than I did?" — His father states verbatim that being forgotten is the thing Ivan is afraid of. It's been implied, but this line is quite literal.

Ivan ends the scene by publishing Andrew's game without permission, an impulsive decision which calls back to his lack of respect for boundaries and his desire to be successful.

> Scene 14: Confrontation

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GET HIS ASS ANDREW!!!

Ivan doesn't do much in Scene 14 aside from 1.) be upset, 2.) act like the victim and 3.) blame Andrew, things we've already seen him do, so I won't bore you. Just know that Andrew is never coming back.

> Scene 16: Bad Things, AKA The Guilt Arc, AKA "I'm surprised the devs had enough restraint not to namedrop the game's title in any of the dialogue do you guys ever think about that"

Remember when Ivan's biggest problem was that he didn't have enough decorations in his apartment?

Scene 16 is a mammoth of a chapter, so for my own sanity I'm only going to focus on two key scenes:

Ivan's apology to Andrew

Ivan's final confrontation with the tumor

The car flashback gets an honorable mention because I think it's absolutely sinister that the devs dropped it this late in the story. It supports the idea that Andrew had a troubled upbringing and that Ivan was once a semi-normal friend who said semi-normal things. You know, before the insecurity demon took over or whatever. It's ironic that Ivan advised Andrew to "leave [his abusive parents] in the dust," only for him to be upset when Andrew does the same thing to him. Another classic case of contradiction.

"Your footsteps ring in my ears" — A note in a hallway with the same wallpaper as Ivan's family home. I miss when you were around. I'm being haunted.

1.) The apology

In which Ivan tries to make amends.

"I’m trying to say that I’m broken. I don’t want to be this way anymore."

Is he saying he doesn't want to be a bad person, or that he just doesn't want to feel depressed? Does he know he did something wrong? You know what, whatever. At least he's finally acknowledging his mental health.

"I believe that love looks just a little different for everyone. For me it was darker than most. Meaner than most. A little uglier than most. And I loved you a lot. More than I could bare."

He realized he 1.) loved Andrew, and 2.) hurt him. The issue, though, is that he's dancing around what he did. He's on the right track, but he's avoiding specificity. Maybe it's because he doesn't know what the problem is, he just knows Andrew was upset enough to leave him over it.

"Looking to the sky can leave you blinded by the sun, I guess. And I lost you, somewhere along the way. And I replaced you with who *I* wanted to be."

Wait! Was I was wrong? He knows the version of Andrew he thought was better than him isn't real! That his rationale for cruelty was based on something that doesn't exist! Could this really be happening?!

"I was wrong. We *do* need each other."

Ah.

So he doesn't comprehend the situation. He knows he was jealous and he knows he did something bad, which is a step in the right direction. However, he hasn't yet understood that the friendship is beyond repair. He hasn't truly apologized because he hasn't truly understood what he did wrong. He wants a second chance. And for a moment, it seems like Andrew is willing to give it to him — until the big twist is revealed, which is that the entire "apology" happened inside of Ivan's head. It ends with Andrew telling him only what Ivan wants to hear:

"I forgive you."

Footnotes:

"I understand if you don’t forgive me. I understand if you hate me... but please, *please* don’t forget me Andrew." — Does he really understand if he was hoping for a second chance? Also, fear of being forgotten.

"So, are you still releasing those games?" — First topic he jumps to after being "forgiven." His priorities are still in the wrong place.

2.) The tumor

Ivan's conversation with the tumor is my favorite scene of the game. I am not exaggerating. FYI: some of the dialogue is out of order because I found it easier to talk about that way.

You may remember from an earlier paragraph that the tumor represents the parts of Ivan that are flawed. Like we saw in Scene 8, the tumor is just Ivan. Ivan, however, views it as its own separate entity — a monster, something evil which he has no control over. When Ivan approaches it in this scene, he's quick to start blaming it for his problems.

"You can still clean up this awful mess you’ve made." "I made? You ruined everything. You made me hurt my… hurt Andrew."

This isn't true, of course. The tumor never told Ivan to treat Andrew the way he did. It may have fed into his insecurities, it may have given him the idea to "make Andrew work more," but it was Ivan who decided how he should do it. It was Ivan who decided to act. Sorry man, but your little mind freak can't be held responsible for choices you made.

On the topic of the tumor just... being Ivan, I find it really interesting how it seems to be fully aware of what's going on. Even in Scene 8, it acknowledges that Ivan isn't okay — something that Ivan's "conscious" self refuses to do. In Scene 16, the tumor rightfully criticizes Ivan for being the cause of his own misery, which makes me think that Ivan knows a bit more than he lets on.

The tumor knows that everything is fucked. Conscious Ivan doesn't like thinking about it, so he crumbles under the pressure.

"I’M SORRY! I AM SORRY! I’m sorry, okay!" "If that’s how you feel, why didn’t you tell him?"

This quote carries a double meaning. If you paid attention to when Ivan was in his head just before this, you might have noticed that even though he claims he's there to apologize, he doesn't say "sorry" once. Instead, he vaguely refers to the feeling of having done something wrong and then begs to be remembered. The only person he's truly said sorry to is... his dad?

Scene 10 (Falling) — "I tried so hard to escape it, but I'll still end up just like you." "That's what you get for helping people, right?" "...I'm sorry." "Don't be."

Scene 12 (Mad) — "I failed. And in the process I lost the only person who could help me. Andrew... He's gone. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." "Don't wallow. Perhaps it's for the best."

He's sorry for failing. He still has nothing to be remembered for and he thinks his dad would be disappointed in him.

The tumor calls him out because he didn't apologize to Andrew in his head, nor did he apologize in real life. He claims he's sorry, but he is avoiding responsibility.

If you're open to a short detour, there is one last thing about Ivan that I’ve been neglecting to talk about. Mostly because it just hasn’t been relevant:

Scene 2 (Friends) — "If you really wanna learn [how to code], just start making something. Or steal code from Google and say it's your own. It's what the pros do." "Yeah... I'll pass." Though Ivan's disinterest could be towards the idea of stealing, I think what he's really responding to is "just start making something." Starting from scratch on a project when you have no skills or experience is difficult.

Scene 10 (Falling) — "And your writing is great! But it's derivative. Borderline stealing." Ivan's writing is "derivative" and full of quotes from other authors. Their words worked for them, right? Why should he use his own?

Scene 10 — "If you want freedom, make your own game. I've seen your work, Ivan. Nothing is stopping you." He's still adamant on controlling Andrew's work, instead of stepping back and making something by himself. Andrew has skills (and possibly a reputation) that he doesn't, after all.

Scene 12 (Mad) — "[Ivan] takes a lot of... liberties... with his inspiration, though." "Really? How?" "Oh, I just mean he takes a lot from other games." You get the idea.

Here's what these quotes have in common: Ivan doesn't like to do things that are hard. He's afraid of being forgotten and wants to make a name for himself, but he wants it to be easy. Maybe it's because difficult tasks are likely to result in failure — and we know how Ivan feels about failure.

Let's bring it back to the tumor now. Ivan realizes that he can't blame it for his problems. He needs to change.

“You want to grow… but you won’t change a thing.” “I am growing! I am changing! I’m trying, it’s just… so hard to.”

Changing is hard. For Ivan to change, he first needs to go against the three biggest things he avoids: he has to accept that he failed, he has to confront his flaws, and he has to take accountability. You think he’s going to do it?

FUCK no!

He lost the one person who mattered to him! He's miserable, he's alone, and he didn't even get the thing he wanted! He is at rock bottom. And if he can’t find anything positive to be remembered for, he might as well blow up the fucking apartment and take himself down with it! The tumor warns him against this.

“You will turn back.”

Ivan doesn't have to give up on himself. In the tumor's words, it wouldn't be speaking to him if he were beyond saving. But Ivan’s already made his choice. Sure, he wants to change. But he isn't willing to. He refuses to acknowledge the problems within himself, and thus refuses to solve them, and thus has no starting point. Ivan decides he can't be fixed, even though he never gave it a try.

And so begins the exhausting climb up the stairs, sprawling near endlessly ahead of him. He would rather die than face himself. He would rather die than live with his failure. He would rather die.

Why Ivan is Important to Me

You can skip this part if you want I'll try to keep it brief. I've spoken to people in the community who have a genuinely difficult time sympathizing with Ivan, who see the evil things he's done and just can't feel bad for the guy. I think it's fine to feel that way about him. I'm kind of a freak anyway.

The reason I love Ivan so much is because... when I look into his soul, I see my own reflection staring back. I'm a deeply insecure person — it used to be much worse, but I'm getting better about it. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid to be nothing. I look to the people I admire and the art I love so much and I get angry. I think... "why wasn't I the one who made this? When am I going to make my masterpiece?" I've had that thought about Bad Things, actually, and it feels horrible. Feels cruel.

I too have been an awful friend. I too have leeched off of someone innocent for something I thought would make me happy, even though in the long term I could only get that thing from myself. When I played Bad Things, I was less uncomfortable with the relationship and Samuel and the scary lockers and more uncomfortable with the fact that Ivan was basically just me with a Jenga block removed.

In January, I sent the dev a long thank you email (if youre reading... um... hi. waves.) and I'd be lying if I said I ever stopped thinking about it. What I wrote is embarrassing, and the reason why is because at the time I didn't fully understand Ivan yet. I didn't really... know why I related to him. I just knew that I did, and I sat there picking out surface-level coincidences like "metaphors that make you look smart" and "hey I also tried to control a friend's creative project once." He reminds me so much of a version of myself from a few years ago — someone who, by the time I discovered the game, I was still angry with and was trying to forget ever existed. Bad Things brought her back. Bad Things brought the entire memory of that relationship back. I feel a little better about things now.

IN CONCLUSION: Who is Ivan?

"Cowardly. And egotistical. And insecure."

He was Andrew’s friend, once

He is insecure

He does not want people to know he is insecure → Doesn't want to acknowledge his flaws, and thus will never take accountability

He is impulsive and illogical — he acts based on his feelings, rather than rational thought → Leads to contradictions, hostility, and broken boundaries

He believes Andrew is better than him, to the point of jealousy → Has romantic admiration towards Andrew which he suppresses

Due to his father's passing, he is afraid of being forgotten → Will go to extreme lengths to fight this fear, which include: taking from others, risking the lives of others, and suicide

Because of his insecurity (I am nothing), jealousy (Andrew is everything), and lack of accountability (I can't be flawed), he feels as though Andrew has wronged him. It takes him a long time to realize this wasn't true. As far as we know, Ivan's feelings of inadequacy are self-inflicted. But seeing as he won't acknowledge he hurt someone else, he probably won't acknowledge that he hurts himself either.

Abuse is a type of behavior. It is when someone treats another person in a cruel and unjust way. Ivan is an abuser because he exhibits patterns of abusive behavior. That being said, Ivan taught me that two things can be true at once — you can hate someone and love them, you can be fearful and powerful, you can be unwell and not going through anything.

So, two things are true: Ivan is an abuser, and he is also a multi-faceted human being. I acknowledge, though, that he is a fictional character. We treat him a bit differently from real people.

If you are being hurt by someone, do not let "they're human" convince you that it's okay for them to treat you terribly. You can't force anyone to change — they have to do it themself.

To cap everything off, here's one of my favorite posts from the (cactus) man who wrote Bad Things:

Remember that this is all my interpretation and you're welcome to disagree with me on anything. Thanks for reading.

.

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[lyr] all my days I climb these steps chasing the light over my head I should have quit, inadequate yet I still walk with a broken leg you are the one who could save my life your halo so bright, it just makes me blind I just can't do anything like you and that's why I'm always a step behind

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