#tot analysis

[actualbird]

[card review] Luke's 4th Anniv Card, SSR The Answered Heart, is a welcome and much-needed return to a core theme that makes Luke and LukeRosa so special to me: the call to live hopefully in the face of fear and uncertainty

[OBLIGATORY DISCLAIMER that these are all my own thoughts and opinions. if you disagree, that's alright of course, but make your own post about it, HAHA]

i apologize in advance for what i'm about to do, but i'm gonna start this review by sliiiightly complaining about the state of luke's recent card stories KBKSJDF.

see ever since 1st anniv, luke's card stories have by and large followed the main plot of "They Have A Cute Date/Activity/Day Out Together With Minimal Narrative Conflict, Or, If There Is Any Conflict, It's Not Very Compelling Anyway". there are standouts and exceptions to this, of course, like his AU cards (which obviously explore new circumstances), his birthday SSRs (which tend to have some kind of a novel plot due to the special occasion), and SSR Dreams of Benji in particular (this card came out of nowhere with how good it was, wdym the FLUFFY FUZZY TIME CARD tackled mortality, past, and future so well).

but ASIDE from those standouts, luke cards have been... forgive me for saying this, but i've been bored. a lot of his card stories were boring me.

and i feel like that's especially a sin for luke's stories to do, because he is so interesting and nuanced. his entire pre-1stanniv to 1stanniv story arc was so gripping and so full of tension and conflict, so full of messiness and imperfection, and his unfurling relationship with rosa felt like a love letter to life itself, embracing both its flaws and its joys. both the pain of living and the delight of living.

seeing how luke's cards strayed away from this messy, imperfect, but beautiful core theme in favor of safer stories that only explored joys felt like we lost the plot, so to speak.

but this card made me go WE ARE SO FUCKING BACCCKKKK

in the story, luke has basically all but recovered from his illness. which... honestly disappointed me a bit, ngl. not because i dont want luke to be well and live (i VERY MUCH DO, I LOVE HIM) but because the reality of recovery is not as clear cut and neat as how they depicted it. recovery is messy, and luke's entire character is messy, so it wouldve only been fitting and narratively satisfying to lean into the turmoil and difficulty of the process.

alas, thats not what we got. but what we did get in this card...

oh it had me teary eyed. it was the raw, real, messy imperfection that made me fall in love with luke in the first place

in the story, aaron tells luke that he doesnt need to take his meds anymore, but luke continues to do so. this leads to the crux of the matter with luke: after spending so long thinking he'd die, he doesn't know how to live.

what a wonderfully contradictory issue to have. luke just got told he got his life back, but his reactions to it are subdued and avoidant. he just got told what he's always yearned for and wished for, but now that he has it, he's at a loss.

whether he wanted to or not, the fact that he was trapped by looming inevitability for so long trained his mind and his heart to no longer hope past the limits that his illness imposed onto him.

when you're trapped in hopelessness for so long, hopelessness feels safe, and hope feels scary. it feels too good to be true.

luke got his future back, and that's a beautiful thing, but its light is blinding, like staring into the sun.

"I'm... just a little afraid. Is it okay to be this happy?" and "I feel like I'm just used to the impermanence of the world."

luke, who knows impermanence so intimately that it might as well have been his shadow for years, knows best how cruel the world can be.

but the card's answer to this is that core again of luke and lukerosa's story: the call to live hopefully in the face of fear and uncertainty.

it's not an easy thing to do, but it's a choice that's worth it. it's the choice that lukerosa made on the day they got together, and the choice they continue to make for every day they spend at each other's side.

do i think the card's story was a little rushed in reaching this conclusion? a little bit, yes. additionally, do i think luke's illness was rushed and handled too neatly, as if tot were afraid of fully committing to what writing a chronically ill character would entail? kinda a lot, yes. but do i still think that in spite of that, that this is a wonderfully done card? very much yes.

at the end of the day, this card reminded me why i love luke and lukerosa so much, and why i love this game. it's got its hits and it's got its misses but god, when it hits, it does it well.

it highlights the beautiful, imperfect, hopeful nature of living life. of loving life. of embracing life and all it brings.

[vynegar]

lost in translation: Vyn's "Aimed At Your Heart" SSR

Small detail missed in the English translation of Vyn's Snowfallen Secrets card: when MC registers for Vyn's entourage list in the competition, she notices that Vyn's name is listed as "Vilhelm M" despite his last name being Haspran. The Chinese text does say "Vilhelm M," but presumably the M references the surname in his chosen name "Mo Yi." By this logic, the English translation should use "Vilhelm R" for "Richter."

I find this extremely similar to the missed detail from the SOTT event; since the text is using an a shortened version of a name, it's easier to miss the reference if you're not familiar with the larger context of the story. Translating purely based on the text in front of you will miss out on these types of connections.

In other languages: "Vilhelm M" is also used in the Korean and Japanese translations. Vyn's Korean name is Yun Noa, so his fake name should have been Vilhelm Y. His Japanese name is Moritsuki Rei, so intentionally or not, they preserved that reference.

[nachotrash]

未定的注定 (Undecided Fate) --LYRICS RETRANSLATION + NOTES

A/N: finally, after all these years, I post something that isn't a shitpost. Was chatting with discord friends while playing ToT episode 9 and that one line by luke made me wanna translate this. Uhh, translation notes at the end. Have fun reading and geeking out with me. This is a personal translation of the lyrics of ToT's official theme song

曾是我 寄身在黑暗中 Ceng shi wo ji shen zai hei’an zhong I used to be stuck in the dark 走尽夜路也盼有灯属于我 zou jin ye lu ye pan you deng shuyu wo Walking the night path with a lamp/light of mine 是否等候我的窗将有微光涌动 shifou denghou wo de chuang jiang you wei guang yong dong Whether a (soft) light shimmers through my windows 绽放成你 温热在我手 zhanfang cheng ni wen re zai wo shou Gently blooms into you in my hands

你是未定的希望 ni shi weiding de xiwang You're the undetermined hope 却是注定的光芒 que shi zhuding de guangmang Yet the fated light 照引我的心 zhao yin wo de xin Light up my heart 到黑夜退去 dao heiye tuiqu Retreat into the night

愿我也能温暖你 yuan wo ye neng wennuan ni Hope that I can also warm you up 走向未定的真相 zouxiang weiding de zhenxiang Walking towards the undetermined truth 解除命运的捆绑 jiechu mingyun de kunbang Untie the restraints of life's path 无所畏惧和你相倚 wu suo weiju he ni xiang yi Fearlessly lean on eachother with you

在余生每个黎明 zai yusheng mei ge liming At dawn, for the rest of our lives 你是谜 封锁住我眼眸 ni shi mi fengsuo zhu wo yan mou You're the riddle that locked my eyes shut 你是意义占据我所思所有 ni shi yiyi zhanju wo suo si suoyou You're the reason occupying all my thoughts 你是未定的美好我开始猜不透 ni shi weiding di meihao wo kaishi cai bu tou You're the indetermined perfection that I can't figure out

现在我才懂 为何萦梦 xianzai wo cai dong weihe ying meng Only now have I realized why we dream 你是未定的希望 ni shi weiding de xiwang You're the undetermined hope 却是注定的光芒 que shi zhuding de guangmang Yet the fated light 照引我的心 zhao yin wo de xin Light up my heart

走向未定的真相 zouxiang weiding de zhenxiang Walking towards the undetermined truth 解除命运的捆绑 jiechu mingyun de kunbang Untie the restraints of life's path 无所畏惧和你相倚 wu suo weiju he ni xiang yi Fearlessly lean on eachother with you 在余生每个黎明 zai yusheng mei ge liming At dawn, for the rest of our lives

已注定 yi zhuding Already fated

你是未定的希望 ni shi weiding de xiwang You're the undetermined hope

却是注定的光芒 que shi zhuding de guangmang Yet the fated light 照引我的心 zhao yin wo de xin Light up my heart 到黑夜退去 dao heiye tuiqu Retreat into the night 愿我也能温暖你 yuan wo ye neng wen nuan ni Hope that I can also warm you up

走向未定的真相 zouxiang weiding de zhenxiang Walking towards the undetermined truth 解除命运的捆绑 jiechu mingyun de kunbang Untie the restraints of life's path 无所畏惧和你相倚 wu suo weiju he ni xiang yi Fearlessly lean on eachother with you 在余生每个黎明 zai yusheng mei ge liming At dawn, for the rest of our lives 已注定 yi zhuding Already fated

NOTES:

绽放 specifically means the opening of the flower petals when a flower blooms Also MC is very flower-coded (rosa) So i thought that was a nice detail

Now the "warming up" specifically means the type of comforting warmth that campfires or torches will give you on a cold dark night

解除 (untie) could possibly be a reference to how the NXX investigation gets more and more complicated, with an overwhelming amount of cases practically "tangled up" in eachother, so you're slowly picking it apart one by one with the team (aka your soulmates)

Also I specifically used "lifes path" for 命运 because that phrase is only used to talk about the course of a persons life, aka the events/path that life has laid down for you (your canon events, if you will)

意义 means like, the significance, meaning or reason/motivation behind someone's actions, but idk how to translate that

黎明 was hard to translate, cause it can mean both dawn and dusk, or any time of day (altho dawn and dusk are the most used, hehe crepusculum and diluculum) but it basically mean that the two relies on eachother every single day for the rest of their lives

A/N: That's it! Hope this was comprehensible to read

[uniquethingtastemaker]

Has everyone listened to each character’s theme in Tears of Themis?? They’re so good, and I love them. I do think that my favorite is Marius though, which is a little surprising, just cause he’s not my favorite character. Anyway, I wanted to talk a little about each theme and how I feel like it fits each character really well. I’ll also link each song for convenience for those who don’t know which BGMs I’m talking about. (Please note that I’m no music major or anything, I’ve just grown up around musical theater and having to occasionally analyzed music, so this is just my interpretation and I’m by no means an expert) 

Artem: Artem’s theme is fairly traditional and safe. It uses a lot of thirds, which is a safe, pleasant, and comfortable interval that’s commonly used in music. This fits Artem well as he is more of a traditionalist in terms of pursuing someone romantically and tends to stay on the safer side of things while trying to court MC. The music is calming, relaxing, and tender much like Artem’s nature towards MC. However, one of the musics distinct characteristics is that it continuously grows. This reflects Artem's ever growing admiration and affection towards the MC, as he continues to work by her side. He sees her grow as a person and that makes him love her even more. 

Luke: (I don’t know Luke as well, but I have heard somethings and can make a reasonable analysis I believe.) The beginning of Luke’s theme starts out a little differently from the rest of his song. The left hand starts out playing one bass note continuously, while the right hand flutters around on the higher keys, before going into the main melody. This is significant, because it could be interpreted as a mellowed out version of Luke’s internal situation. From what I’ve gathered, he’s on a time limit and has romantic feelings for MC, but since he’s not going to be around much longer, he doesn’t want to burden her with his feelings. He also doesn’t reveal this to anyone, which is why the darker notes fade let the higher, more hopeful notes come out and carry the melody. He seems to let himself go when he’s around MC. He can forget about the bad things for awhile while he’s with her. The main melody is genuine, inspiring, and uplifting. He’s a great tinker and inventor, so it makes sense that his music is inspiring and uplifting. He creates some little gadgets for her later on, so this music is just showing the listener that he’s having a good time while he’s with her. She also gives him hope. I’m not sure why he feels this way, but it makes sense to me. It also has a bit of a tender aspect as well, which is nice. He’s soft towards her.

Marius: (I also don’t know a ton about Marius, but here we are.) Marius’s theme fits him so well (...it always makes me smile whenever I hear cause it just sounds so much like him). It has so many jazz chords and grace notes that gives the music much more character. It’s definitely not conventional like Artem's or Vyn’s, and it makes sense that Marius’s would be a little more creative. He’s an artist after all, and he’s not your typical average rich boy. Although he enjoys the finer things in life, he can appreciate the value of those things much more than the average rich boy. While he’s not obnoxiously flirty, he still likes to have fun and tease the MC. The music makes people want to sway with the music and enjoy the moment. It’s a comfortable feeling, but also edges on flirty, which he does exactly with MC. He can be very flirty and playful. 

Vyn: Vyn’s song makes me want to cry. It’s very hesitant, but the music slowly and steadily continues on and begins to climb. This mimics Vyn’s emotions about the MC, as she gives him hope. Vyn tends to unconsciously fall into the thought process of all or nothing; the “if you can’t save everyone, then what’s the point of trying at all?” kind of mindset. MC, however, always casually comes in and ends up gently reminding him (without her truly knowing how much she’s effecting him) that the two of them might not be able to help everyone, but she can’t just ignore an injustice going on right in front of her. She tells him that even if she can change just one person’s life, then that’s enough for her. His music reflects the hesitancy, but bravery to put his trust in her and to have a little bit of hope again. It’s also very tender, showing that he cares so much about the MC because she’s helped remind him that not all hope is lost. (I can relate to Vyn a lot cause often times when I see a big problem that seems too large scale for just me to resolve, I loose hope too. It’s nice to get a reminder that just helping the people in front of you is good enough. And somehow, in extension, that you’re good enough by just being you.) 

[welshoot]

Last one and it’s Marius. If you have noticed that Marius is usually the last analysis I do in a series it is honestly a coincidence. I really don’t plan out the order I do them in and he just keeps coming last. Analysis under the cut for fear of spoilers.

Marius, like the rest of them, has maintained his usual color scheme and flower. Purple implies royalty, luxury, spirituality, creativity and sometimes mystery. The flower is, if I’m not terribly mistaken, a Lisianthus. Lisianthus flowers mean life-long bonds, appreciation, and traditional values. Purple Lisianthus symbolize beauty, nobility, and royalty. Interestingly, Lisianthus are often linked to weddings and, when purple, are given to someone who is special and completely occupies your mind. To be honest, the word in the right hand corner of this card puts me on edge. A keepsake is an item, usually small, that is kept in memory of the person who gave it or originally owned it. The person in question is usually dead or very far away. I’m assuming Marius is the one giving the keepsake, so it kind of makes me nervous. Luke is the one with all the death flags so I really don’t think Mihoyo will kill Marius, though I could be wrong. That means distance and I wouldn’t put it past Marius to go overseas for some sort of business. Of course this is just conjecture and maybe nothing comes of it. In fact the keepsake could mean he’s giving us something that was given to him as a keepsake. Like some jewelry his mom had or something. It actually isn’t odd to do this either and can be viewed as quite sweet in many ways. Think of a piece of jewelry that is a family heirloom that he might be giving. This would be a keepsake but it also implies a serious relationship. Family heirlooms aren’t given out as keepsakes very often save for in a relationship one is expecting to stand the test of time.

[christieatthemis]

Something I’ve been thinking about a lot is with their code names.

King is simple. Marius is the current CEO and Pax owns... a lot. 

Libra is another easy one-- it has the symbol of the Scales which leads to Justice and Artem is a lawyer.

Even Abjudicator isn’t too far off. It’s essentially a formal judging and with Vyn being a psychiatrist, it also goes a bit hand and hand in a way.  

Rosa as well, the MC is referenced multiple times with Roses and the two of her most prominent colors are the red of her jacket and green of her eyes. 

But I can’t really get a handle on Raven? Most that initially came to mind are more on Crows than Ravens, but they do apparently overlap-- it’s possible it’s just the usual common bird names for secret agents and he often worked at night or maybe do to how he could call Peanut... Ravens are one of  the most intelligent birds though which I would also put another reason as to why along with their innate puzzle solving. 

Not to mention this: “ravens are one of only four known animals (the others being bees, ants, and humans) who have demonstrated displacement, the capacity to communicate about objects or events that are distant in space or time.” and Luke constantly brings up the past (for obvious reasons). 

Anyway this was all to say I think they fit nicely. 

[vynegar]

luke’s proposal card: poem analysis

The poem that features prominently in Luke’s proposal card is a translated version of “Heimweg vom Fest” by Hermann Hesse. This post will have some translations about the poem and discuss how it suits Luke’s proposal.

My usual disclaimers apply for any of my translations here. Check my masterlist for more translations and analysis. Please also note that the original language of the poem is German, so I’ll be referencing other people’s translations of it.

Background

I found the Big Data Lab entry for the poem in Luke’s proposal card, which I had previously translated as “Going Home After the Holidays” and was unable to find the source for. Here’s the BDL entry + my translation of it.

《节庆后回家》，是由德国诗人赫尔曼，黑塞于1913年创作的诗歌，收录于诗集《孤独者的音乐》中，1914年由海尔布隆Eugen Salzer出版社出版。 原文写作“但要么至善要么至恶——可怜的灵魂恰恰喜好，或是痛苦，或是欢乐——因为它只为燃烧而燃烧。夏彦母亲在引用时，进行了略微的修改。

“Going Home After Festivities” is a poem written in 1913 by the German poet Hermann Hesse. It was included in his collection of poems titled “Songs of the Lonely”, published in 1914 by the Heilbronn publisher Eugen Salzer. The original text reads, “[the four lines of the poem which comprise the last stanza]”. When Luke’s mother quoted it, she made some slight changes.

I’ll get to the actual content of those four lines soon, but that last stanza is what appears in the game and reappears for the BDL entry. It seems to use the translation by Lin Ke (林克) that appears in Herman Hesse Selected Poems (黑塞诗选), published 2017 by Sichuan People’s Publishing House (四川人民出版社). Although the BDL entry states that Luke’s mother changed it, the only difference I saw in what appeared in the card story was the omission of “But” at the start of where she quotes.

Translation

You can find the original German text here, along with an English translation “The way home after celebration” by Sharon Krebs and a French translation by Pierre Mathé). Below is the last stanza in English:

The poor soul wishes to cherish

Only the most evil and the best,

Be they agonies, be they celebrations --

For [the soul] glows for the sake of glowing.

@enheduanna-bfv also found the German version of the poem, and would translate the title as "On the way home from a feast".

And finally, here’s the Chinese translation that seems to be the same version used in the game, alongside my translation of it (possibly influenced by Krebs’s). Please note that differences in translation could be due to different interpretations or errors at any step of translation, especially my own.

节庆后回家 Going Home After Festivities

又一个节日响成了碎片， Yet another holiday splinters with a sound.

恐惧令人窒息，我蹒跚 In suffocating fear, I stagger

走过冰雪覆盖的农田，across the frozen-over farmlands,

害怕再也回不到家园。fearing I can never return home again.

 你呀，缘于痛苦的沉醉，You, the intoxication that comes from pain –

喜乐的杯盏破碎之后，After the joyful cup shatters,

我愿在心里，我情愿将你 In my heart, I’m willing to

当成半是欢喜来承受。endure you as a half-joy.

 但要么至善要么至恶—— But the greatest good, or greatest evil  –

可怜的灵魂恰恰喜好，it’s just what the sorry soul is after.

或是痛苦，或是欢乐—— Whether suffering, or celebration  –

因为它只为燃烧而燃烧。because it burns for the sake of burning.”

As a note, my original translation was:

“The greatest good, or greatest evil – it’s just what sorry souls are after. Whether pain, or pleasure – because it burns for the sake of burning.”

Taking the cue from Krebs’s translation, I changed the “sorry soul” to singular, so it can connect more explicitly with the last line (the “it” in the last line would also refer back to the soul). I also changed the pain/pleasure word pair since it didn’t evoke quite the right dichotomy, and suffering/celebration at least let me keep the alliteration I used to reflect the parallelism of the line in Chinese.

Discussion

I think it’s pretty striking how the title evokes such warmth with the idea of home and celebration, then completely subverts that with its opening stanza – the celebration ends violently, and the poem paints a wretched, despairing picture of someone in the mindset of fear and anxiety. The tone of the rest of the poem is never quite as bleak, but even at best it’s a bittersweet one where pain is always on the other side of the coin.

There are a few ways I find this poem quite fitting for Luke’s engagement card. The first I thought of was that the more somber tone belied by the innocent title was like the experience of reading the story. Instead of the engagement being the happy occasion that we’d expect, Luke shows us the grave that the bought for himself. We’re faced with Luke’s mortality and fears and resignation in a way that we’ve never been before; instead of a pure celebration, it’s something that’s in pieces and bittersweet.

Rosa is indisputably “home” to Luke, and with that in mind, the narrator’s desperation in their journey back home seems emotional enough to describe how Luke must feel about Rosa.

For the second stanza, I’ll try to base it on Krebs’s translation since it makes more sense with the rest of the poem. The narrator declares that they would rather carry the pain with them than the “half-hearted joy” that remains when the “cup of bliss” shatters. Luke certainly intended to choose pain instead of allowing himself what happiness he could have, but I also think he ended up compromising many times for that half-joy, in the many compromises he makes himself when it comes to Rosa: be part of the family, but don’t ever cause them trouble; reunite with Rosa, but don’t ask for anything more; officially be with Rosa, but don’t let yourself take the next step. Luke may not align perfectly with the main message of this stanza, but the ideas here are similar to his mentalities that were explored in the card story.

And finally, the last stanza, the one that Rosa’s mom would recite to Luke, since it was his mom’s favorite that she often used as a lullaby, and that Rosa will repeat back to Luke as a plea. The card already explains what it meant for Luke’s mom and what it can mean for Luke – living their life fully, honestly, passionately. The only thing I can add is that if the poem begins with Luke alone and frightened, seeking his home and family, then it’s a beautiful bookend to have the words spoken to him by his family be the thing that pulls him out of his resignation to half-hearted joys.

[vynegar]

poems in vyn’s personal story

there are two poems mentioned in vyn’s personal story that tie in deeply with the themes of his route, so i wanted to write a post about them just to point them out. the two poems are “To The Nightingale” by John Milton and “Seeing You Carry Plants In” by Robert Bly.

this includes information about his personal storyline through chapter 2 and some of vyn’s family history.

[EDIT: it turns out that the second poem was mentioned in chapter 3 of his storyline; this post does not contain spoilers for that chapter, however.]

“To The Nightingale” by John Milton

full poem text here

This is the poem that MC posts on her online profile to attract the PUA mentor, Wayne (Story 2-10). MC couldn’t think of anything, so she just posted a poem that Kiki had showed her earlier.

I’m... uh.... not great at original literary analysis of older poems, so I’m just gonna link this analysis here that I’m basing my discussion on, and honestly I think everything mentioned fits extremely well for Vyn and MC. The poem presents the contrast between the nightingale, the bird of love, and the cuckoo, the bird of hate, and the speaker wishes that the nightingale will win in the end. With their wildly different personalities, MC and Vyn consistently have opposites as a theme in their stories: yin and yang in “Cool Summer”, light and dark and “Between Good and Evil", optimism vs pessimism in viewing human nature (”Blazing Colors”), and another poem that Vyn quotes in the main story (thanks to @salt-and-vynegar for pointing it out).

The end of the poem also slightly reminds me of Vyn and MC’s relationship. The nightingale sings later than the poet would like, but poet is still willing to serve as Muse or Love for it. Vyn has long been in love with MC but has been waiting patiently for MC to realize and decide on her own feelings, and is ready to accept her answer either way. (Though there’s a difference in that Vyn is much more content with waiting than the speaker of the poem is.)

One last thing about this poem that I saved for the end since it’s a nice transition to the next one: hope.

(Story 1-5) When Vyn explains the common PUA trap and how it’s a form of twisted manipulation under the guise of love, he says this about what actual love is:

Love brings light and hope into your life. Love lifts you up.

The poet proclaims that the nightingale’s song fills the lover’s heart with hope, and pleads that it sing before the cuckoo’s song can “[f]oretell [his] hopeless doom”. MC has brought optimism and hope into Vyn’s life, and over their relationship, her positivity has given him a new perspective on painful subjects such as his past.

“Seeing You Carry Plants In” by Robert Bly

(the tot wiki Big Data Lab entry says that this is unlocked in Story 1-05, but I don’t have this entry and I checked the story and I’m not sure if it shows up in that part? so idk, but the poem is interesting for our purposes so I’m going forward with this.)

[EDIT: turns out this poem is unlocked in Story 3-15. i’m just going to leave my analysis here because i think the poem is extremely fitting even for the earlier chapters of the personal story.]

full text here (thanks salt-and-vynegar for the link! originally i used this link)

So, there’s the obvious “plants = vyn’s garden” haha. But this poem also has to do with hope, though maybe it’s a bit meta since it’s not directly from the poem text? Many people posting the Chinese translation of this poem use a non-literal translation of the title, calling it “你手捧希望而来” which is something more like “You Come, Holding Hope in Your Hands”. Honestly, I’m not sure why it was translated this way because the translation of the poem content is otherwise quite direct, and the literal title seems fine, but I think it’s worth mentioning since this version of the poem title possibly reflects how Chinese readers interpret this poem.

Going through the middle of the poem,

The night is moist, and nourishing as your mind that lets everything around you live. I saw you carry the plants inside tonight over the grass, to save them from the cold.

The second stanza of the poem describes the kindness and positive effect of the “you” in the poem; MC’s compassion is something that Vyn frequently admires and is struck by, even if he sometimes considers those receiving it to be unworthy.

Sometimes I slip behind a door, so that I will not be called on, or walk hunched on sandbars below earth, not sure if anyone in my family can love.

Uh.... need I explain more? Vyn's cautiousness with the possibility of “love at first sight” stems from having personally seen the failure of this kind of love between his own parents, and he has a complicated relationship with his father and what seems to be a very distant relationship with his mother.

How much I love you. The night is moist. The air is still, as when I love you. It is not every evening that I love you. I come back like the stars, sometimes out of clouds.

[...]

Your voice is water open beneath stars, collected from abundant rain, gone to low places. The night is moist, the ground wet, air still, trees silent, and tonight I love you.

Finally, a comparison of the first and last stanzas of the poem, where we circle back to nighttime scenery and “I love you”. The speaker of the poem doesn’t love her “every evening”, and I would say this would be untrue of Vyn, who is completely enamored with MC every time he sees her. However, I think the overall journey of this poem fits Vyn’s journey through the first two chapters of his personal story very well.

The speaker begins with acknowledging his love, while also admitting the inconsistency and uncertainty of it; the speaker then considers their lover’s kindness and their own insecurities, before returning back to the original question with a confirmation that yes, “I love you”. Sitting alone in his study with his self-evaluations, Vyn knows he has feelings for MC and yet is unsure if these could just be remnants of his first impression, bolstered by the halo effect and primacy effect. It’s further complicated by the constant reminder that this is the kind of love that ended up ruining his father. Then, over the course of their PUA investigation, Vyn sees that MC really is the brave, intelligent, and compassionate person that he had in his first impression. This gives him enough to be able to confirm that it’s not just a fleeting illusion; she brings light and hope into his life, and he loves her.